The Symmetry of Life- Book 1: To See, To Know, To Be Human - 8. Chapter 8: Trying Something New

Chapter 8: Trying Something New

At this point, I should probably say that I changed and became a better man. I stopped bullying other kids and I dealt with my personal issues. Real life doesn’t work that way, but I did tone down my bullying or at least tried to. I still couldn’t deal with all my issues, all my internalized anger and frustration, and all my needs that were unfulfilled. I knew I had a lot of problems, but back in those days, there were no guidance counselors to deal with emotional issues. Hell, if I told someone about all that had happened to me, I’d either be put into a straight-jacket or they would disappear without a trace in a few hours. I had a handful of friends, but none of them really knew me, they just admired my combative style until I lost to Bobby. I didn’t want to lose their respect, so I kept up some of my old habits despite my own growing resentment. The beginning of 1955 was one of the low point in my life.

As for Bobby, after he beat me up in the fight, he never really took any credit or interest in the other kids. That only exemplified his cool exterior and magnified his legend. People did not know what to make of him; he looked strong and quite capable of being on any of our high school’s teams, even varsity, but he did not care for sports. Girls were flocking all over him, trying to get his attention or even a slight look, but he didn’t even notice their existence. After school, he would just sit down on the stoop after everyone else had left and start reading a book. I heard that he was adopted or something and his folks didn’t have time to pick him up, so he would kill time after school before riding back home on his old rusty bike. Sometimes, I saw him laughing on the steps as he read his book. My curiosity and inquisitive nature needed to know what he was reading, but after our last encounter, I didn’t know how I’d approach him without getting myself killed. I found that I was getting more and more attracted to him by the day.

Thus, I pulled the same trick again; I know I was not original in terms of ideas, but in my mind it was the only way to know. On the last Friday of February, while he was putting his school books into his locker for the weekend, I grabbed the hardcover leather-bound book from him. He was shocked at my audacity, but instead of just going after me, he pleaded with me.

Bobby wailed, “Please, give me back that book.”

I looked at the book and started reading it aloud for everyone to hear and see, “”When Mr. Bilbo of Bag Ends announced that he would celebrate that he would shortly be celebrating his Eleventy-First birthday with a party of special magnificence, there was much talk and excitement in hobbiton”… Wow, what an exciting book Bobby, why don’t you let me borrow it for a while.”

He was really crying now, “Please, I’m sorry for beating you up, you can take whatever you want just give me back that book.”

I felt a surge of power coursing through me seeing Bobby like that, “Well serves you right, maybe I’ll give it back to you later after I get my fill of it as toilet paper.”

With those words, Bobby tried to grab the book from my hand. We were both pulling in opposite directions on the two sides of the book, until it happened. The book split in half and the sheets of paper began to fall onto the ground. I dropped my half of the book on the ground and anticipated Bobby killing me this time for what I had done.

In hindsight, I was really stupid and obnoxious. I liked the guy and I just wanted to get to know him, but in the end, I really hurt him. If your readers had sympathy for me earlier, I doubt they will hold any sympathy for me at this moment; I won’t defend what I did to Bobby. Some days, I look back at this episode in my life and I wished I was more mature back then, but I also learned not to regret what happened. That was my first introduction to Tolkien’s Middle Earth stories, which will have a dramatic impact in my life for years to come.

In the meantime, Bobby scrambled to grab all the pages of his book like a guy trying to grab the last drop of water from the desert. I tried to say I was sorry in my most sincerest voice. Bobby did not pay me any attention as he gathered all the pages that he could and ran off. He missed a few pages that had slid under the lockers and I grabbed it. I was amazed at what I saw on this sheet of paper; it was the same writings and symbols that were in my memories. I ran after Bobby immediately, but he had already left. I felt completely alone at that point, like I had just shot my foot off or something. Everything felt completely cold and numb.

When I got home, I saw Brian sitting at the steps waiting for me with two books in his hand.

I looked at it and realized one book was the same one Bobby had, “Where did you get that?”

Brian came over and tightly gripped my hand, “Josh, it was in the bookstore. I saw them and I remembered your symbols. However, it’s not why I am waiting for you? I also saw what you did to Bobby.”

I wished he didn’t see that or know what happened, “I…I didn’t mean to do it. It’s just a book right, I can just buy him a new one.”

Brian shook his head, “Josh, do you want to hear a story about Bobby? His mom died during childbirth, so he never got a chance to meet her. His dad was drafted and died at Leyte Gulf. His relatives couldn’t support him, so they gave him up to a state orphanage. He was adopted into a really nasty family with some dark secrets that I preferred he tell you than me. His clothes are old and worn out, because he only has two pairs of shirts, jeans, and underwear. He does a morning paper route that barely pays for his lunch. He had been eying this book for weeks in the bookstore and was saving nickels to get it. You see Josh, Bobby doesn’t have much money, clothes, or people that care about him. His meager possessions mean everything to him.”

I didn’t think I could feel worse than scum, turd, or the foulest thing in the world, Brian just made it happen, “He...I….”

I started crying releasing all my pent up rage and self disgust. How could I have been so cruel to someone that I liked? I was probably ready to take a cyanide capsule if one were offered to me at that point. All I thought about now was finding Bobby and trying to make things up to him.

Brian offered a tissue, “Josh, I know where he is right now. There’s a ford a few miles from here on the banks of the American River. Bobby goes there sometimes to get away. You should go find him and give him that page in your hand, plus this new book. Tell him what’s in your heart, ask him for forgiveness, and offer him something that you have been longing to give and receive, love.”

I grabbed the books in his hand and ran with great speed towards the river. I didn’t know where the Ford was exactly, but I didn’t care. I was running on instinct at this point and just followed the river’s flow wherever it went. It was either dumb luck or divine intervention, most likely the latter due to Brian, I found Bobby sitting there, trying to piece together his scattered pages. I went up to him quickly, but he did not notice me. Despite the apparent tears that were still trickling down his cheeks, he was beautiful. The sunset had given him a dark orange glow that covered his entire body.

When I had reached him, I called out, “Bobby, look I am so sorry about that…”

He lifted his head and stared at me with a miserable expression, “What did I ever do to you? Why are you always after me, huh?”

I felt a weight on my heart being lifted as I told him the truth, “I like you Bobby, like you know what guys feel for girls.”

He grew angrier with my response, “You’re all the same, I hate all you fairies,”

Now most people would back away after that response, but I wasn’t most people, “Look, I like you okay. I know I screwed everything up and I don’t deserve a second chance. I will do anything to make this up to you,” I placed the books in my hand next to him, “I didn’t know you had such a bad break, like you losing your mom right after you were born or your dad dying at Leyte. I didn’t know that you only had two pairs of clothes to change into and out of, when I stole your underwear. I didn’t know that you had a bike route to pay for lunch or how long it took you to save for just one book. That’s no excuse though; it just makes what I did to you even worse. I teased, humiliated, and tortured you, because I wanted to get closer to you. I know it sounds like bull, but I didn’t know what to do. If you hate me now, I’ll take it. If you want to torture me, I’ll accept it. If you want to tell the world I’m a fairy, I’ll accept it. Even if you want me to jump into the river head first and let myself drown, I’ll do it.”

Bobby reeling with anger as I recounted everything I did and his life story, “Go jump in and drown, like the scum you are.”

Without hesitation, I went over to the river and plunged my head in. A ford is usually very shallow water and would not be more than a few feet high, but it was deep enough if you consciously wanted to drown. I don’t know how long I had my head down there, it felt like an eternity. My reflexes kept telling me to surface for air, but my mind kept telling me that I deserved to die. My mind wandered in that moment between life and death, like right now where the memories are flashing. New words came to my head and new symbols that I never saw before were forming. I couldn’t make them all out, but I sensed they were important.

When I came back to consciousness, I saw Bobby standing over me punching my chest in angry desperation.

Bobby screamed at me, “Don’t you die on me, too.”

I whispered back to him in a hoarse voice, “Didn’t know you cared.”

He looked at me with shock, “You’re a-alive.”

I coughed out some water and dirt, “Yeah” cough, “I’m alive” cough, “Thought you want me dead.”

He stood back, “I…I…I didn’t know how to explain your dead body, okay fairy.”

I started getting up, “You saved me even after everything I did to you, it must count for something.”

He looked nervously at me, “Well, I wanted to know how you know all that stuff about me.”

I coughed again, “Bull, you didn’t care a minute ago.”

His expression changed to anger, “Look, let’s say I like guys like that. Then, let’s say I thought it was good to have a guy like me like that and I sort of got what he was trying to tell me after a while of thinking things through.”

I stammered, “Well…umm…..I guess it means you like me.”

We just sat there staring at each other, no words, no movement. I don’t know how long we did that, but it was the most intimate interaction I have ever had with anyone. I know just staring at someone for hours would not be considered intimate. Most of you probably would prefer rocking it between satin sheets for those hours, but real intimacy has no words. Our stares exchanged unsaid words, like “where have you been all my life?” and “Why do I feel fuzzy inside?” It’s hard to explain what I mean unless you actually try it, just stop what you’re doing, sit down with your partner, and just look at each other. Notice their breathing pattern, the dilation of their eyes, the gentle movement of their facial muscles, and their scent. We use the senses of touch and taste in sexual contact, but the senses of sight, sound, and smell can also be used to learn things about someone that you love.

After hours of staring, I glanced down at my watch. It was already midnight.

I asked Bobby, “Do you want to come with me?”

He shook his head, “I don’t want to go back there tonight, is that alright with your folks? I mean what would they think, you know about this?”

I stood up, “My dad died at Midway, my mom just died last summer. Only my little Brother and I live at home, we got an housekeeper named Maggie, who looks after our needs, but she should be gone by now.”

He glanced down, “I guess you do know how I feel, I wished my mom and dad were still around.”

I nodded thinking of everyone I had lost, “Yeah, I do, but you’ll like Brian, I bet you, he can make you feel better in no time.”

He forced a smile, “I doubt it, Josh. Unless, your brother brings back the dead, I don’t think anyone can help me.”

I laughed at that comment, which surprised Bobby, “Sorry, it’s just if you knew Brian that comment would be a joke to him. I don’t think he could bring the dead back to life, he’s got his own reason.”

Bobby was perplexed at my explanations and followed me as I headed back home. It felt strange having Bobby walk by my side, it was like I was walking on clouds. A huge weight had been lifted off me. It was probably the disorientation from the close call of drowning earlier, but I felt like nothing could bring me down.

Bobby looked excited and scared at the same time. I think he had never been with someone, who was willing to die for him before. Maybe, it’s just my hubris talking, but I think he was waiting for me as much as I was waiting for him. If the guy I liked was a complete asshole and did all that crap to me, I don’t know what I’d have done. I also could tell that Bobby had other problems that he didn’t want to talk about, but he was waiting for the right person to release all that stuff in his heart as well.

When I got home, Brian was half asleep in the living room with the sound of soft jazz music beaming from the radio. He noticed me and started stirring, then he took a look at Bobby. Bobby stood still for some reason, when Brian saw him. I didn’t know what was going on.

Brian yawning slightly, “So I guess you guys made up, huh! Took both of you long enough.”

Bobby was perplexed by Brian, “Do I know you? I feel like I don’t know, we’re close or something. It probably sounds crazy.”

I looked over at Brian and the memory came back, “Wait, I remember now, the “First” said I would meet “a boy, who is haunted by death”. That’s Bobby, isn’t it?”

Brian nodded, “Took you long enough to figure something so obvious, but beyond just being haunted by death, Bobby is an agent of Death.”

I was stunned and remembered what the agent of death said seven years ago to me about a boy around my age, who would like me.