The Symmetry of Life- Book 1: To See, To Know, To Be Human - 9. Chapter 9: Awaken To New Truths

Chapter 9: Awaken To New Truths

Causality, consequence, and choices are the three C’s that govern the rules of the “First”, it’s something I began to understand, when I learned about Bobby’s role in my life. However, I can’t say I agreed with it. If I never went after Bobby, neither of us would have broken our psychological holds against one another. If he didn’t save me from my suicide attempt, I wouldn’t be here, several decades later, telling my story. Everything that was arbitrary seems unified, but no one forced us to do any of it, so what is it Fate or Choice?

After Brian said that, I noticed Bobby was uncomfortable, “Are you alright?”

He shook his head, “I don’t know what an agent of Death is? The name sounds familiar, just like your brother. What’s going on?”

I looked over at Brian for an explanation, Brian just sighed, “Bobby came into the human life cycle on his sabbatical. All agents of death spend at least one lifetime as human beings, learning about human emotions and thought. They’re powers are inactive and they lose all their memory of the realms beyond this part of reality.”

Bobby trembled nervously as Brian spoke and my mind formed an inevitable question, “Brian, did Bobby cause his parents’ deaths?”

Brian nodded sympathetically and went over to Bobby, “Usually, the mother would not survive childbirth or would experience something like extreme depression and suicide as agents of death don’t have a genetic anchor into this reality. As for your dad’s death, it was a war that the agents of death help create, through the festering of human malice. Hatred gathers as time passes, until it becomes strong enough to manifest in humanity. It’s the opposite and equal of love, which you two guys seem to understand after what happened by the river.”

Bobby reacted with sorrow to Brian’s words, “I really am cursed by death, huh! That’s why my parents died and it’s why I’m stuck living with…” Bobby could not continue his words.

Brian frowned, “No, I don’t like to curse any beings and never my agents. Causation is a complicated; every action has many different outcomes. Yes, Bobby caused…” Brian emphasized the word “Caused”, “his parents to die, but he had no control over the outcomes of his choices. Causation is imperfect and actions have consequences. Your mother knew about the complications that may kill her if you were born, but she still chose to give birth to you despite that knowledge. As for your father, the war was being built up for decades as there was not enough satisfaction among the losing or winning nations from the First World War. Malice grew due to what was lost and it spread across the world. If you did not allow the malice to spread out, then there would have been more destruction as something far more dangerous would rise. An imperfect peace was the final result of our efforts to seek a solution. I am not proud of what happened, nor do I believe any of my agents were. Even God and his angels were weeping at how foolish mankind’s wars had become, despite all his efforts to prevent them. You ever wonder why the 1918 Influenza epidemic spread so quickly and mysteriously during the last year of the war, not before or during the war. It was God’s direct solution to ending the stalemate on the battlefield and it’s not the first time that biological warfare has been used by his side. In the end, we all had a responsibility for what came next...” Brian trailed off as he held a sorrowful look, “Maybe, I should tell you about the present and leave the past for another time.”

Brian spent the entire night explaining who he represented, Uncle Frankie, the government’s involvement, the Ainur, the Arknor, the Gar’ta, the Kal, the Hork, the Drake, and some little hints about the “Enemy”. We probably stayed up talking until Brian could no longer keep his focus. The three of us fell asleep in the living room Brian slept on the old leather arm chair, while Bobby and me were sleeping on the couch with our arms supporting one another.

In my dreams, the strange symbols and words from earlier were trying to come into focus; it’s like I was piecing together a puzzle. However, whenever I tried to focus in on the words and make the images clearer in my thoughts, they became more distorted.

When I opened my eyes again, I eyed the old grandfather clock in the corner. It was already 5 PM. A quilt had been placed over me and Bobby on the couch, while Brian had his favorite green blanket over him. Brian was sucking his thumb contently as if he were a newborn. I could smell something fragrant coming from the kitchen. It was Maggie’s pot roast. I knew she would be coming in on Saturday, but at that moment, I felt like I was finally in a family.

It’s a weird description, but that’s the best way to describe the meaning of family for me. A younger sibling acting his age, a lover by my side, and a home cooked meal from the oven were all things I had wished to see. Brian had always been around me, but we didn’t have the traditional older brother-younger brother relationship. He was always smarter, more understanding, and more experienced in everything than I was. Add to the fact that he basically is my father, so in essence, if not in genetic terms. I never knew how we should actually interact. I think he knew the same thing, but out of all the questions that I raised to him over the years, I never asked him about how our lives related to one another. I guess even in death that question still mystifies me.

As I stirred, Bobby awoke with a startled expression, “Was that all real?”

I was still groggy, but thought he meant last night, “Yes, everything Brian said was real.”

Bobby shook his head gently with a distant expression, “It all feels so queer to me.”

I moved my arm over his shoulders, “Well, I like things being a bit queer to be honest.”

He smiled, turning his head to the clock, his expression changed immediately, “Bull, I forgot about my route. They’re going to throw me off.”

Bobby jumped up, but I tried pleading, “Bobby, you don’t need to do that, I can take care of you. You’re sort of family to us. Heck, why do you need that route, anymore?”

He looked at me like I had just stung him, “Josh, none of what you guys told me changes things for me, except, it just confirms that my life is going to be filled with problems. I like that you like me and I like you, too. It’s just I have problems that you won’t….”

Brian surprisingly interjected, “….Your adopted mother and father, right. You also have to think about all those other brothers that you’re protecting from him.”

Bobby held a startled look over Brian, who had folded his green blanket to the side, “You know don’t you, but why don’t you do something about him. You got the power and I don’t think anyone will cry if he dies.”

Brian shook his head in a firm negative, “I can, but I made it rule to not enforce a moral standard and there’s a cost attached to the use of these abilities. It’s a very dangerous precedent in trying to make everyone follow what I would like, if you look at Christianity and the long history of monotheism before it, trying to enforce morality on human beings is no better than torture, sometimes it actually results in torture. God and I don’t agree on this point and probably never will. He means well and would rather have peace without conflict or pain, but humanity and many other beings can never live up to his hopes. I want all life, not just humanity, to have the ability to explore their potentials, even if I don’t agree with everything they’re doing. God actively intervenes to warn or stop beings from going into dangerous areas of development. He will punish people either directly or indirectly through his subordinates; think plagues, natural disasters, and planetary bombardment described in the old testament of the Bible. His harsh early attitude was also why he needed to get into the human life cycle like I have to understand the human perspective. He can be merciful and an old softy, but we have completely different approaches and morality is definitely not mine. Sorry Bobby, unless I have to make a stand on certain principles it won’t happen. Don’t worry though, your stepfather will get what’s coming to him, I promise you that.” Brian noticed my confused expression and winced at me, then he changed subjects, “I have a friend who owns the distributor that you work for, I’ll call him up to do me a personal favor and give you a day off. By the way, Josh, remember we’re living on the edge of good sense and through a dozen legal loopholes without real parents or adults in our lives. I wish we can extend our protection over Bobby, but there are certain limits.”

Bobby nodded, but I was surprised Brian could do that, “Brian, how can you…”

Brian smiled knowing he had changed the subject, “Let’s just say Newspapers are not always black and white.”

Creaking noises sounded behind us and Maggie with a look of curiosity and impatience began screaming, “You boys better get cleaned up, it’s late afternoon already. Brian, I don’t care if your death himself, you’re not going to look like a corpse at my dinner table, take the downstairs tub, water should be warm. As for you, Josh and your squeeze over there, take some time to get know one another in the big tub upstairs. Dinner will be at 7 tonight, if you find your stomach growling, I baked some cookies and there’s milk in the cooler. Now move it.”

Maggie probably had been overhearing the entire conversation, but she really did not care about Brian’s alternate persona. Either Brian told her, she worked with the twelve, or she wasn’t human at all, I don’t know. I mean what human being could resist learning about the mysteries of the universe from the source. Life is filled with curious mysteries; she was one of them. I was unable to solve the riddle surrounding her lack of interest in my lifetime. It’s fine; she was a great friend, confidante, and cook.

I took Bobby up to our bedroom and looked for a shirt, a pair of jeans, and underwear to offer him for the bath. It was during my gathering of clothing that he saw the old black and white pictures of me with my thick glasses.

Bobby looked up at me, “You don’t look like you need glasses.”

I turned around with a selection of clothing in my hands, “Yeah, they’re only corrective as one of my eyes sees further than the other. I usually wear contacts, which come to think of it, “I touched my eye and realized both had fallen out, “…I lost them, lucky Brian forced me to buy the expensive insurance, I’ll call them to mail me a new pair next week, so I am stuck wearing glasses again.”

I took out my case and placed them on, Bobby smirked, “Well, you look better with those on than you did with the little glass things. I bet it probably hurts less if you just wear glasses.”

I shook my head, “Nah, it’s fine usually for a couple hours. Then, it gets itchy.”

He looked at the two beds, “You guys both sleep in here? I thought I saw like two other rooms up here, plus the bathroom.”

I nodded, “The big room on the right belonged to my mom and dad. Brian and I decided not to split up after Mom died a few months ago, so we stuck to the old arrangement. The other room is a reading room and office space. Brian usually is the only one, who uses it. It has a private phone line that connects to some really powerful people.”

Bobby gave an expression of bewilderment, “How does he do it? I mean he seems so normal one moment, then he becomes like an old soldier telling stories, the next moment. Sometimes, I get the feeling like he was my old man or something.”

I nodded as I saw an undershirt that should fit Bobby, “Brian might not say it, but I can tell that even the stuff he knows, there’s a lot of pain. I don’t even want to think about him and God. Death and Life or darkness and light, all of it is way over my head.”

Bobby shook his head acknowledging my point, “I have this feeling that the two of them act almost like brothers, both live side by side and understand each other better than any other being in the universe. Agents of death can relate to this aspect, too, since they are all brothers born from the Progenitor or the “First” as Brian told us last night.”

When he said that I laughed, which broke the serious conversation, “You know if that’s true, then we’re actually brothers, too.”

It took a few moments, but once Bobby realized the link, he made a false expression of disgust on his face, “Oh no! On top of sodomy, I just added incest. Now, I’m really going to hell,” then his body trembled with laughter.

My inquisitive mind ruined the moment with a thought, “Do you know if there’s a heaven and a hell? You’re supposed to be an agent of death, so you would have to bring people to somewhere for the transition.”

Bobby held a strange expression like he was hit by lightning, “I know there is even before I met you guys. Before I was bounced to the orphanage as a kid, I saw a kid dressed in black near my Nana. He waved at me and tried to talk to me, but I couldn’t really hear him. Then another version of her rose above her body, this version was younger and held more vitality than her aged form. She told me that she was heading to a better place and the guy dressed in black nodded. Then, I felt a deep sense of comfort just before she left. I know there is a heaven, somewhere.”

After his explanation, Bobby looked calmer than before. I think he was keeping the memory in for a very long time, not wanting to believe what he saw. I guess the best way to deal with heaven, when you have hell on earth is simply to forget it. It made me think about Uncle Frankie and mom. I had seen an agent of death take both of them. I always hoped they would end up in heaven or at least in Uncle Frankie’s case may be somewhere he could find peace with the “First”; even though, I didn’t entirely understand the concept.

I placed the pile of clothes on the bed and went over to him, “How long have you kept that in?”

Bobby face lit up, “About 10 years now, she died in April. I still remember her.”

Walking over to him, I placed an arm around his shoulders, “I understand, you know. I talked to one of them, when I was a kid. You guys make death less painful and more like taking a trip.”

Bobby nodded, but glanced down, “I think Brian was trying to spare me by not talking about what I used to do and will be doing after I die. I hoped if I do die early enough, I get to reap that bastard.”

There was a question on my mind, hoping that my fears were untrue, “What did your stepdad do to you?”

Bobby’s face turned red and he shied away, “Josh, I don’t want to talk about it, it’s not…”

I knew what it was he was hiding, but I also knew he needed to release it, “He did stuff to you didn’t he. I don’t mean stuff that you wanted to do with him, but stuff that he forced you to do. I am betting it’s not only you.”

Bobby reluctantly telling me the whole story, “I was adopted by his family, when I turned 9. Those years in the orphanage were not great, but at least, it wasn’t hell on earth. When I first got to his home, he showed me to my room. It had a small bed and dresser with no windows. The first night, he came into the bed room drunk and…and…” Bobby began to stutter, “He placed his dick in my butt and he kept pushing it in and out, until his white stuff came out. He did that to me every night until last year, when I started growing hair down there. After that, he started ignoring me like I didn’t exist. I had to buy my own food and get my own clothes from thrift stores, but that was not the worst thing. After he had his fill of drinking, he would come home and torture me. He handcuffed me, so my arms were stretched out. Then, he poured cold water over me, calling me a little fairy among other things. In those years after I was adopted, he got more kids in the house, I watched him start doing the same things to them. It wasn’t just boys either. After me, Sarah, Greg, and Patrick were adopted.”

I was angry and growing even angrier as time passed. I know that the recent exposure of pedophiles in the media has been like an ongoing stream of shit from the filthiest parts of the human experience. However, in the 1950’s, the entire concept was usually pegged to homosexuals. Maybe, it was the long history of pederasty from Greek times, but we are not like that. Even Uncle Frankie and Brian never went at it, despite their mutual connection and dare I say divine right. There is an understanding without formal words that unless both parties agree to sexual relations and are ready for it, neither side would act. Without mutual consent and capability to establish relations, it is rape by any other name. If God really wanted to enforce morality, he probably meant this concept, when the prohibition of sodomy was raised.

We both were silent for a time, until I broke our silence with a question, “Why didn’t you try telling someone?”

Bobby frowned, “I tried to tell my stepmom, she knows everything, but she lets him do it. Half the time, she’s too drunk to even make a coherent sentence. She gets angry at us for “stealing” her husband, so she does horrible things to us like locking us in the closet for days without food or water, every time she saw us with him. Of course, he would take us out of the closet in secret and do those things to us, then return us back there, until she was satisfied. My stepdad is a cop; no one would believe that he would do those things to kids. I’m trapped.”

I screamed, “I’m going to kill that bastard!”

Bobby tried to calm me down, “Please Josh, don’t get involved. Brian is right; you are both too important to be bogged down by my problems.”

I shook my head in disagreement, “Brian promised you that your stepdad will get what he deserves, Brian said he couldn’t do anything, but he never said I can’t.”

Bobby rubbed my shoulders gently, “Let’s just get in the bath, together.”

I still had the mind to do something, but I knew Bobby wanted to get off this subject. The upstairs tub was large, in fact, it is best to call it a prototype of the modern hot tub. Back in the 1950’s, the first commercial hot tubs for home use began in California. A few years after Uncle Frankie died; we had a renovation done on the second floor of the house for the wiring of the reading room. Brian took it upon himself to also add in a hot tub, saying that it would be a great addition in the “future”. I don’t know if he had read a future copy of Martha Stewarts’ magazine, but he was right.

Bobby and I both shed our clothes for the first time in front of one another. When we finally shed all our clothing, we started exploring each other with our eyes like we did near the American River, then we began using our fingers. I could feel his heart beating and his blood flowing from each vein from his nose to his dick. I had filled up, since my first jerking off session with Brian, but I was still skinny in many areas and my dick size never changed.

Bobby on the other hand was a picture of teenage male perfection, well-toned body, great tan, short brown hair, broad shoulders, and a soft 7 inch circumcised dick. Where Brian held a child-like nature in his features that held back his more adult areas of development, Bobby held the adult nature very well.

As we entered the hot tub, Bobby’s dick sprang to life. He wasn’t a grower, but the additional inch and thickness just made him irresistible. I also began to get hard as the intensity of the moment took us both by storm. I didn’t have any experience with guys outside of Brian and there were very few accessible gay magazines or porn movies back in those days. However, Bobby surprised me as he got down on his knees in the tub. His head faced my dick and before I could ask him a question, he placed my dick in his mouth. It was the best feeling in my life at that point. My dick felt warm and comfortable in Bobby’s mouth, while his tongue was working over all the pleasure areas.

As I sat there watching Bobby suck me off, I couldn’t help the feeling like he needed me to do this more than I needed the experience from him.

I softly whimpered out, ‘Bobby, Can we switch, I want to get you off?”

Bobby released my dick from his mouth with an expression of confusion and fear, “Was I doing it bad?”

I shook my head, “No, it’s the best thing I have ever felt, but I want to do this for you. Something tells me that you were always the giver and never a receiver. That will change now; I want to give something back to you, too.”

He nodded and in moments, we switched places. I was 15 years old and never had experienced a blowjob in my life until just a few minutes ago. I did the best I could and used my tongue on Bobby. It felt good and weird, like I was sucking a meat flavored lollipop. Eventually, Bobby began tensing up.

Bobby moaned softly, “Josh, if you don’t want to swallow, please get off me now…”

I didn’t take his warning as I wanted to taste him. I remember three, maybe four, shots of white gold from Bobby. His facial expressions had become much more relaxed, since the first time I met him with the guarded face full of secrets. I kept his dick in my mouth for a few moments longer as it slowly softened. Then, I released it.

When Bobby caught his breath, he grinned at me, “Josh, you really are the best. I want to do you now,”

We switched places again and I eventually ejaculated my four loads fairly quickly as Bobby was far more skilled than me, which is both a testament to his mistreatment and his sexual prowess. It took about one hour to finish our joint bath. I think we used up almost all the hot water in the water tank.

When we got back into my room to dress, Brian was there smiling at us. At first, I started frowning, thinking he saw our most intimate sexual experience from his personal mind’s eye view. Then, an idea came to mind about how to deal with the “First” and the non-intervention policy. We put on the briefs and undershirts that I had prepared earlier. Then, I looked over at Bobby and we both silently agreed. We would tackle Brian together. Brian did not notice or did not care about his impending take down, because he fell right into the trap as we went at him from both sides.

With Brian pinned against our bodies, I demanded “Okay, Brian, tell me what you know?”

Brian expressed his dismay, “Nothing, really. I just imagined what two guys in one hot tub would be doing for over an hour. Seriously, I didn’t pry into that stuff. I am not so perverse.”

Bobby and I nodded in agreement on his innocence, “Okay, but remember, whatever Bobby and I do needs to be between us. Unless, the “First” need to be involved or something big happens, don’t butt in.”

Brian nodded, “You’re using this as an excuse, so you can do something against Bobby’s stepdad.”

Bobby, then gave me a strange look, “What?”

After Bobby released Brian, he was able to overpower my grip and continued, “Listen, I am not stupid Josh, I can tell ruses and strategies light years away. I won’t get in your way over that creep; I think you can deal with him pretty easily based on your intelligence. Just remember, you have to take responsibility for everything that comes afterward. I’ll provide back up for you, but I will not directly intervene in whatever it is your planning. I might offer some ideas, but you must weigh them with their advantages and disadvantages. Outside of this problem, you got bigger issues right now beyond Bobby, the language is in those books, but the meaning behind the language is not in the books.”

Bobby looked over at me, then at Brian in gratitude, “Thanks, for thinking about me first and breaking your rule for me.”

Brian shook his head, “I’m not breaking anything, I am merely providing ideas and cleaning up any messes that will come about.”

I had held a longing glance at Bobby throughout the conversation, but returned my focus back to Brian, “Why can’t you just call someone to get rid of him? You don’t need to touch him or blow him up yourself. One of those twelve guys could easily pull something for you or you could finally ask for that favor President Eisenhower owes you.”

Brian sighed deeply, “What would that accomplish? I kill one man, but the pain he held continues in all those he has touched. If I tell someone else to take him out for me, I am merely exchanging one man’s burden for another. There’s no such thing as an easy answer in this world through death. Death is not the answer to pain, it is a release. Realization in life of wrongs committed is what I can offer in terms of ideas. Sorry Bobby, Josh, even for you, I can’t do it.”

I growled my reply to Brian, “So, is this how our lives will be from now on? I fight the bad guys and solve the mysterious coded messages, while you provide ideas. Death may not be the perfect answer, but these kids are suffering. One man’s death can end their suffering.”

Brian scowled, “You have no idea, what awaits us next or the sacrifices that will be made!”