Chapter 8 – Clean Slates

I stirred slowly. It felt like wet cement had flooded my brain initially, but it seemed to drain away, clearing my thoughts. A heart monitor beeped to my right and it all started to come back to me. The fights at school. The fight with Mom. Chris coming to our rescue. Mom… M-Mom being swallowed by the house. All the painful and evil things she did and said before it finally happened. I must have passed out on the way to the hospital.

“Chris! I-I think Theo is waking up!” It never felt so good to hear my little brother’s voice.

“A-Aaron,” I said a bit slowly. I opened my eyes in time for Aaron to latch onto me.

“You’re okay!” he exclaimed. “You’re really okay! You had us worried there for a while. We… we thought we lost…” His grip weakened and he just stood next to me. Aaron said nothing else. He only placed a hand on my forehead and rubbed his thumb across it before he stepped away. Chris took his place.

“Teddy, how are you doing?” he said, his voice somewhat thick.

“O-Okay now… I think. Still a bit tired. Too much blood loss?” Chris just nodded. “Thought so. How long am I here for?”

“They kept you overnight once we got you admitted and all stitched up. I think a doctor should be around to check you out and, unless something really bizarre comes up, you should be free to go.” He leaned close to my ear. “By the way… I-I don’t know what kind of crazy house that is, but… it seems I’m both your legal guardian since Dad is still out west. I took some time to look at you know who’s stuff and… well, I was surprised to see my name on almost all of them.”

“Not totally surprised, really,” I said as I closed my eyes. I was doing all I could to not remember all the hateful things that came out of a mother that now no longer exists. I reopened my eyes and stared at Chris. “You said… something before all the fighting really got heavy. About there being a different Theo Wentz. That I’m the second one with that name. What… what did you mean by that?”

“Oh, that – she never bothered to tell either of you.” He sighed. “Let’s worry about you getting out of here first. Once we get home… I’ll fill both of you in. You deserve to know, since I’m here now. I gave Mom an ultimatum like a week ago to tell you guys herself before I came over during my extended break. Guess she didn’t care, as usual.”

“Oh, Jeremy called for you during lunch,” Aaron said. “He asked if it was still cool to come over and I said it should be.” Aaron fidgeted with his arm. “I-I think you two really need to talk still as well. Make sure you still… still have a chance and all.”

Chris raised an eyebrow as I lowered my head a bit in bashfulness. “Is my middle brother… smitten with someone?” A grin slowly appeared on his face.

“Maybe,” I drew out as I got more embarrassed. “I don’t think he feels the same way I do, though.”

“Perhaps, but sometimes that’s the dating risk – finding who you think to be ‘the one’ only for them to not like you at all. I’ve had one of those moments.” Chris just patted my arm –my uninjured one. “Then again, maybe he’s not as far along as you are in figuring himself out.”

“Maybe, but I don’t think I’m gonna get my hopes up any time soon,” I sighed. As if I willed it to be, a doctor walked into my room.

“Why it’s good to see you awake today, Theodore.”

“Theo, please,” I said.

“Okay. I’m going to make sure those stitches are in place and secure and then take a blood pressure reading. If the numbers are good, I don’t see why you can’t go home afterwards.” I nodded as he took a look my right forearm. I didn’t see the stitches until he turned my arm a bit and it looked really bad. I didn’t realize she caused at least a six inch cut with that knife. I think I have to be thankful for the fact that it was one of the duller knives – if it was brand new or freshly sharpened… “Theo, I have to urge you to be very careful next time. Sometimes those old houses can be very dangerous.”

Before I could reply, Chris was on it. “Yeah Theo… sometimes there are sharp corners sticking out everywhere and a simple trip is all you need. I know you’re… um, yeah. But you gotta be more careful, bro.” Ah, so that’s what “happened” to me.

“Yeah, I guess my feet just got tangled up like they usually do and I caught myself on something.” The doctor slipped on a pressure cuff as he looked at Chris.

“We gave him a tetanus shot to be safe as you weren’t really sure what he got caught on. We didn’t find any splinters in the wound, so that’s a good thing – lessens the chance of infection.” I winced a bit as the cuff got tight on my left arm and the pressure held for a few seconds. Blissfully, the pressure evaporated. “I think young Theo is good to go here, though is volume is just a tad low. Bed rest for the weekend, no vigorous activities until school again on Monday. I’d recommend a follow-up either here or with your family doctor for Monday some time just to make sure his body has produced enough of his own to boost that missing little bit.”

“Thanks doctor,” Chris said.

“See the nurse at the end of the hall in about five minutes or so and she should have the discharge papers ready to go. Goodbye.” He had wandered off, heading for his next stop. Chris went and signed me out and brought a wheelchair with so I could ride to the front door. Once there, I was locked in place while he brought the car around. I stood up as he pulled up and an orderly came by to take the chair back.

Aaron chatted up a storm with me in the back seat with Chris piping up a few times. He had to ask a couple of times for directions to Kester House but other than that he was okay. We tried to help as best we could, but we filled in for his phone’s GPS when I saw a familiar road name. Aaron was bright and cheery, more so than he’s been for the past few days since Mom started acting weird.

I remember her saying she heard us talking that day in the kitchen, but… how really? Both Aaron and I talked quietly about it, even though she was in a different room. Did she leave a bit earlier than expected and stood out of sight but close enough to hear us? My brain tried hard to figure out how she heard it. Which of the many things I said that day tipped her off? I’ll probably never know now. Now that… that she’s gone.

“Here we are,” Chris said with a smile of his own as he pulled into the driveway. I saw him glance back at that gate. “I think that really should get fixed – it’s an eyesore otherwise.”

“Sure,” I shrugged, feeling down now.

He eyed me for a second before he got out and came to my side. “C’mon, let’s go.” He held his arms out and I looked at him funny.

“What? I’m not five, you know,” I pouted a bit. His face bunched up and expressed both stubbornness and sympathy. I just sighed and stood up. He picked me up and rested my head against his shoulder. I guess I should enjoy this while it lasts – in a couple of years I doubt he’ll be able to do it at all anymore.

We entered the house and all three of us – me still in Chris’s arms – went up the stairs and made our way to my room. Chris put me down and took my shoes off for me before he tucked me in a bit. He sat down and brushed my hair away from my face. “Aaron, could you go get us all some drinks? If you can, double up on them – I think we’ll be here for a while. And get the door for Theo when his friend gets here.”

“Yep, was gonna anyway. The door part I mean. I’ll be back – don’t start without me.” He was out the door. Chris just stared at me and a small mix of emotions crossed his face while trying hard not to display anything. He just kept rubbing my face, almost like he was afraid I’d disappear next.

“Chris, are you–”

“Shh…” He said, still stroking my head. He couldn’t stop, as he tried to several times. This went on for a couple of minutes until I heard feet pound up the stairs.

“Here,” Aaron said, handing Chris four sodas – two for me and two for him. Aaron sat his two down on a small ledge on the other side of my bed – he carefully climbed over me and sat on my right side.

“Alright. I have a feeling you’re both gonna have at least a few questions but if you can, wait ‘til I say, otherwise I might not be able to finish. This will be… hard. Probably harder than I think it will be as I haven’t talked about it in a while. Before I start, I need to apologize to the two of you. It wasn’t my intention to deceive either of you; I was waiting for either Mom or Dad to tell you. Then the divorce happened. Now Mom…” He shook his head. “Anyway, I’m sorry.”

“Chris, it’s not your fault,” Aaron said. “Really, from what it sounds like, it should be one of them to tell us this, not you.”

I nodded. “Yeah, you’re the one in the family that has the most courage I feel. Definitely compared to those two.” Chris chuckled a bit.

“Okay, enough. For the record, what I’m gonna explain might have some gaps in it. You’ll have to forgive them – I was six or seven when this all happened. You both remember that age being more about toys and friends than about bad things. I’m rambling, so… I’ll just get into it.”

“Take your time, Chris,” I said. “This doesn’t sound like it’s gonna be easy for you.” He nodded.

“Alright. Before either of you were born, both Mom and Dad seemed happy. Mom wasn’t crazy in the slightest. She kinda let me do my own thing – well as far as being six or seven was concerned – and Dad was just… Dad. Always in the garage or at the bar, never really around, you know? But then one day, Mom and Dad sat me down to talk to me. Both of them looked really happy and excited about something. They told me that I had a little baby brother or sister on the way – she was pregnant. I of course didn’t know the specifics of it all but I just knew I’d finally have someone to play with and look after as we both got older. That was a thing for me at that age – I was kinda lonely. After that little chat and me asking a few questions, we all went about our normal deals. Dad went back out into the garage and Mom went about humming a tune as she cleaned the kitchen. I went back to playing.

“Course, time moved on and I watched as Mom’s belly swelled. That fascinated me at that age. At some point after I guess an ultrasound appointment – I didn’t know that at the time, naturally – we knew the gender of the baby. Another boy. While I would’ve been happier with either gender, I felt a brother would let me play and roughhouse around more than I could with a sister. Almost all of my friends were guys – Chad being the chief among them. When Mom and Dad told me I was getting a brother, I got really excited. Almost every day after that, I asked when my baby brother was gonna come. ‘Not until probably February,’ Mom had said. So I just had to wait.”

Chris faltered a bit before he managed to shake the feeling off. He continued. “But then… something happened. At about seven months, she was really showing. Her belly was sticking way out there and I think I remember Dad telling her she shouldn’t be on her feet around then. Mom – being Mom – was stubborn and said she was fine. Until… until…” Chris took in a breath and wiped his face. “Until she stepped on one of my toys. Sh-She fell. Right on her stomach. She screamed bloody murder and there was stuff all over the floor. Her water had broken from the fall. Dad had called an ambulance as there was some blood mixed in – he didn’t remember that being the case when I was born and he just wanted to be safe.

“We get to the hospital and after several hours of surgery and delivery, the doctor came out. Mom and Dad already had a name for their new son – Theodore Allen – in the hopes that at least their new son would just be a couple of months premature. But the look on the doctor’s face told Dad all he needed and he collapsed. H-He didn’t make it. Mom and Dad never did tell me fully what happened between them and the doctor. The first few months after were hard. Very hard. I kept asking about baby Teddy, but it either angered our parents or sent them into a deep depression. So one day, they just… stopped. Like it never happened. Any time I tried to ask about it, the question was dodged or swept under the rug. Eventually I learned to stop asking. Especially when I heard a few disagreements between Mom and Dad. The loss of the baby changed Mom. She became more controlling, especially with Dad. Not all right away, but that’s when the first few arguments started.

“Four years later when it seemed both parents were more ‘normal’, they told me again – they were pregnant. Now I was a bit more aware of things, but this time I didn’t press the issue. I did remember what happened last time if our parents pretended it didn’t. All my toys were picked up. Every day. Maybe it’s the reason I’m a neat freak now, but I was petrified that it’d happen again. So I made sure the floors were spotless. Even when a corner of the throw rug was raised up, I flattened it down.

“One day, after they came home and found out the gender – yet another boy – I cautiously asked when it was due. Again, they said February. It seemed rather coincidental to me, but I didn’t really ask. But… as the date neared… and I-I couldn’t take the suspense… I-I asked what his name would be.”

“Theodore Allen,” I breathed. My name. Chris nodded as I felt Aaron hug me.

“When I heard that name again… It was as if it took nearly five years to give me the brother I should’ve had back then. I was both so ecstatic… and yet reserved about it all. I hoped that the name wasn’t a curse, but was really surprised that they’d use that name again. The exact same name.” Chris grabbed my good hand and squeezed it. “I even think you were to share the same birthday. That’s why I kind of get really weird on your birthday Teddy. I get to celebrate the life I’ve come to admire and love – you – while simultaneously having to grieve silently for the other Teddy that didn’t make it. So, in essence, we were supposed to have a third brother, but… obviously he’s in a better place, hopefully.”

I had questions. Many questions. But not about the other Theo. I heard Aaron asking a few questions himself, but I couldn’t hear them, even with him talking almost straight in to my left ear. My brain had whisked itself straight into the life I knew of Matthias Kester. One of the last entries I read said that his mother lost a child – a boy no less! Could it be… just another parallel between our lives? Nothing more? Or… I’d have to read more tonight or when I get a moment. I didn’t want to bring it up just yet to anyone, but I had a feeling I’d have to soon. Too many parallels between us… It’s getting really spooky, but I know I can’t stop. I need to find out more about Matthias. And maybe get some outside help on it.

I heard the doorbell ring, making me glance at the time. It was only one or so – way too early for Jeremy to be out of school. “I’ll get it,” Aaron said as he disappeared. Chris looked at me a bit oddly.

“You okay?” He asked. “You haven’t said anything about your other brother. About the other Teddy. That… doesn’t weird you out, does it?”

“N…No. Not really. I mean, it’s nothing compared to Mom being sucked into the house, among other things. I’m… just thinking a bit about Jeremy right now.” Chris leaned down and kissed my cheek.

“Alright, if you’re sure. Just call either of us if you need something. I don’t want you out of that bed until Monday. Like I said… I can’t lose you. Not again.” Chris backed out of the room slowly as Jeremy entered with Aaron.

“Jeremy’s here,” my brother said, stating the obvious. I rolled my eyes as Jeremy chuckled a bit. “I’ll leave you guys alone for a bit. Maybe later we can all hang out together?”

“We’ll see Aaron,” I said. “But I think we’d like that.” My brother smiled before he left, winking at me as he did. Again I rolled my eyes.

“Um… hey,” Jeremy said as he took my desk chair and placed it by my bed. I scooted over so I’d be a bit closer to him. My body ached to reach for him, to hug him but I managed to hold it in. Jeremy already looked a tad uneasy – trying to feel him up probably wouldn’t help much.

“Hey,” I replied back. “Did you not go to school today either? It’s a bit early for you to be home right now.”

“I did, but… when I found out you weren’t in, I got ‘sick’ and left early. I… I-I had to make sure you were… okay.” I think I saw him blush a little. I used my injured arm accidentally to scratch the back of my head and I saw his eyes widen. “What the hell happened to you?!”

“This may sound like… a dumb question. But you still remember my mom, right?”

“Yeah, you were having some issues with her yesterday. Arguing with your brother. By the way, who’s the other guy?”

“Older brother – Chris. But anyway… Mom did this to me. Before… the house sw-swallowed her. Now she doesn’t exist anymore. But… maybe that’s for the best. She… she apparently didn’t love me. She said some horrible things to me and about me… j-just b-before…”

“Theo… I-I don’t know what to say,” he said shocked. It cleared pretty quickly. “Now that you say that… I heard before the end of the day yesterday you got into a few fights. All those kids that attacked you… they’re gone too.”

“What?! Really?!” I almost shouted. I had to think back to how many jumped me or I punched. It was at least five. Maybe a couple more. Just… gone. Am I like… cursed or something? Why are all the people that attack me or berate me suddenly just… vanishing? First Trevor. Then my own mom. Now at least five others.

“I-I probably should’ve said that later,” Jeremy said as he cleared his throat, getting my attention back. “I told you I had some things I needed to tell you about myself. I trust that, whatever I say to you here, won’t be repeated to anyone else. Not even to Aaron. If I can, I’ll want to tell him myself.” His stare intensified a bit as I nodded to his query. “Speaking of… does he know about you being…?”

“Yeah. He was the second to figure it out.” He arched an eyebrow. “Long story.”

“Right, I’m here to tell mine.” Jeremy stood up and paced, rubbing his hand on his thighs, forcing me to stare between them longingly. A soft snap sounded and my eyes were drawn back to his. He looked like he was trying to hide some bemusement under some false annoyance.

“S-Sorry…” I said sheepishly.

He rolled his eyes. “Anyway, if you have questions, please try to save them for the end, okay?” I nodded. “Alright… This all started when I was eleven. Three years ago – I’m fourteen now if you haven’t realized. I had started puberty kinda early for a guy – at least hormonally – and I started noticing all the other kids around me differently. I’d look at everyone and notice their good qualities. This one girl had great hair, one of my guy friends looked pretty buff without a shirt on. Stuff like that. Then… Reggie came along.

“He was a kid that I’ve seen around a couple of times in my neighborhood, but he wasn’t going to my school. Black hair, blue eyes, a bit taller than I was at that age. He had transferred into our school. I shared a few classes with him and somehow we both clicked. We became friends. He’d come over and I’d go over to his house. After only a few months of being friends, Reggie told me something one of his older cousins showed him.”

“Jerking off,” I guessed. Jeremy nodded.

“So he tells me about it and suggests we try it. I only had just learned about stuff in the Sex Ed class so I was pretty naïve, I guess. But Reggie was nice and kind, the best really. So, being curious, we did it. Together. He helped me while I helped him – he mentioned his cousin said it felt better when someone else did it. Later, I’d find out he was right. But it didn’t last all that long.

“About a week or two after that first time, I felt myself being drawn to him more and more during that time. I think he felt the same as we were closer than ever. We both even admitted to liking each other and it felt perfect for the two of us. I started falling for him and Reggie for me and we spent another couple of weeks exploring that. Things were great... really great. Until… h-he d-died in a car crash. His car hit something and it careened into a tree, k-killing him and his dad on impact.” Jeremy had to pause for a moment. I grabbed my tissue box and offered it to him. “Th-Thanks. One of the hardest things I-I’m dealing with is that you’re a lot like he was. Different in some ways, but very similar in others.”

I had to interrupt. “Did you… love him?”

Jeremy shook his head. “I might have, given time. But it didn’t work out that way of course. After Reggie, I actually started ‘officially’ dating, much to my parents’ dismay.” I laughed a bit. “About every two weeks I had gone out with a different girl. They didn’t feel quite right… well most of them didn’t. A few were exceptions and lasted longer than that two week period. Until they grew bored with me and moved on on their own. About six months after I lost Reggie, I met someone else that was willing to be a friend to me. One that would let me vent my grief to him and not once complain. I met Danny then.

“He was just like Reggie. Kind, caring, was able to listen to my problems. He did have a bit of a spark in him – his fuse was a bit shorter than most. But he never snapped at me. He liked to wear his brown hair down to his shoulders, sometimes had it in a ponytail. When he did, it seemed to make his brown eyes pop somehow. I can’t really explain it. But… for a time, we were inseparable. We went everywhere together. Movies. The mall. Arcade. Then one day he kissed me.

“He told me in his room that he felt things for me, things he was told he should feel for a girl. I really didn’t mind and in fact… I-I felt somewhat the same way towards him. And after that… we grew even closer still. Most days we’d go to his house – he was an only child and his parents worked late. But all we ever did was either make out or rub each other off. Then…

“Then one day when I went over – close to my thirteenth birthday – he was crying and tearing his room apart. I asked him what was wrong and he couldn’t tell me – he was crying too hard. I sat him on his bed and waited until he could tell me. Both things. The first was that… th-that he was very sick. I think a cancer or something. That led to the s-second thing… h-he had to move. Closer to where he could get treated. Even then…the o-odds of him surviving… w-were slim at best.” He took a fresh tissue from the box. “I-I actually spoke to his mom a month after the move…” He stopped as he bit a small sob back.

“He… didn’t make it…did he?”

Jeremy shook his head as he blew his nose. “N-No. He was diagnosed too late. The treatment couldn’t be aggressive enough to stop it. I only just gotten over it and started getting better. Until… until…” He turned away.

“Until I showed up…”

He couldn’t look at me. “You’re the best of both Reggie and Danny. You’ve got Reggie’s extreme kindness while possessing Danny’s fiery spark.” He finally turned to me. “It’s hard to even talk to you sometimes without remembering both of them at once. That first day, when I saw you… I’m surprised I didn’t just run away screaming at how eerily similar you are to the two of them – somehow I managed to bury all that pain and act normally, but it was hard. Then, after I started to get to know you…” Jeremy fell silent and it persisted for a time.

“Are you gay?” I asked him. He shook his head.

“No… I think I’m actually bi… I like girls too. I like everybody. There are things that attract me to girls. But then there are things that attract me to guys. I might lean towards the guys, given what happened so far, but… it doesn’t matter anyway.”

“Why not?” I asked, almost wary of the answer. My hopes had risen when he told me he was a bisexual. That meant I actually had a chance with this god! But now… with him hesitating…

“It doesn’t matter… because I’m not going to have any kind of relationship like that with anyone. Every time I might’ve had a significant one… any time someone got too close to me… something bad always happens.” He stared hard at me, tears still streaming down his face. “Don’t get it wrong Theo. I find you very attractive. Like I said… the best of both of my now d-deceased friends. And I want….” He shook his head sadly, almost like he didn’t want to say what he had to. “It doesn’t matter what I want. We shared a kiss in your library here. While it was… amazing... I’m sorry, but… that’s as far as we can go with that.”

“B-But… why?!” I asked. “If wh-what you’re saying is what I-I think y-you’re saying… Jeremy it doesn’t make any sense!” I couldn’t understand his reluctance if he actually thought I was attractive. I mean… what’s the problem here?!

His eyes screwed shut. “If I fall in love with you… you’ll die! Just like Reggie! Just like Danny!” He stood up and turned his back to me. “I-I want to… so badly that it hurts.… I-I can’t lose you, Theo! But I-I can’t love you either! I’m sorry!”

Before I could say anything else, he ran out of my room.

All I did was cry after he left. I couldn’t really tell if I was happy or sad. Probably both. He actually said that he wanted to love me… like I do him! But his past wouldn’t let him… it left him with some hang-ups. Perhaps I’d feel the same way if I had, say, lost Shane after I told him I loved him. How willing would I be to love another if something happened to Shane after that confession?

It was probably at least a half-hour after Jeremy left that I realized he was going to spend the night. Now with what happened, I doubt he would come back. At least not tonight. I sighed heavily and just sat there for a moment, looking around my room. My eyes gravitated towards the key to the diary, perched on the string and slightly protruding nail head of my night stand. At that moment, I remembered what Chris said and how it paralleled with Matthias’s one entry.

I had quickly – but carefully – got back into the diary. I felt, somehow, it had some answers for me. Answers that no one but Matthias had.

4th of July, Year 1833

Repairs to the house took longer than anticipated. With William courting a lady his age and with Father’s blessing it is just the two of us most days. The rains had been especially bad this last winter, much closer to spring. But the rain ne’er doused my love for sweet Ethan! If what we do is wrong, then I shan’t ever be right. He made it a point to visit many times during the spring days. After helping Father fix the roof one day, Ethan had taken hold of my hand and taken me to one of the glades. As soon as we were hidden, his sweet lips found mine. How it hurts to be away from my love! He had backed me into a tree, holding his joyous connection with me. But words I wished I ne’er heard slipped from his mouth: “Matthias, how I long to be with you. You make me feel complete. But… I must abstain for a time. It is not you; it could never be you, love. But my father grows suspicious of our time together. I need to lead him away; show him we are but friends. I know we are more than that, but surely you know that we must be wise about this.” I could not speak! His words were but knives to my heart, but I understood what he meant. Our love was… unholy to them all. But how could our love… which felt so pure be tainted by wickedness?

“Love… your words wound me, but I understand,” I had told him. “Please… the days are long without you in my vision. Do what you must to ensure your safety. I could not forgive myself if harm should come to you.”

“I will do what I can to ensure he is well thrown off, my love,” he whispered as he petted my hair. His fingers were furious, teasing my hair as he always does during our weekly rendezvous.” I shan’t be back for one month hence. Maybe more. If there was another way… if we were but men…” I wished him to not be pained, but it was not to be helped; I felt the same pain. With but a last kiss, he left for home.

That was but two months past. His visits seem to be random now. I have yet to hear from his heart, but I hold out hope that it will return to me. My heart beats for no one else. Only Ethan. His mere friendly presence brings me to my knees; it has been too long since last I but tasted his delicious lips. Until such time as to hear from him, his heart like before, I cannot bear to continue this tortuous scribbling. It is too much.

The entry finished, I gently closed the diary, keeping my hand where I just finished. The love between Ethan and Matthias sounded awfully familiar. It sounded so strong, so final, but things kept interfering with it. Mainly the times, as I’d have to guess that being gay back in his era was almost certainly a death sentence if discovered. The desire to keep reading was insistent. I checked the time and saw that it was still too early for dinner. But even with wanting to read on. I decided to close my eyes for a few minutes. Give them a chance to rest.

I awoke after about a half hour, and reopened the journal. After the last entry, there were a few insubstantial entries, complaining about how much Matthias longed for Ethan’s heart once again even during the silence. I flipped through the ten or so of those five sentence entries, the years spread out. But then I came across the next entry.

18th of May, Year 1839

His heart is mine! Oh, he spoke to me the day before today and he said we could finally be together! He had told his father he would be leaving for the territories beyond the mountains to the west to start his life anew, but he had come to me! My house has been quiet since Mother and Father left for distant lands, needing to quench Father’s desire to explore and Mother’s desire to be with him. California; one of the Mexican lands. But now… now Ethan and I can live peacefully as one! Oh, my heart fills to bursting with this news. I fear I may weep at his sight once he steps foot into my home, not as guest but as tenant.

William and I still write, even with him being betrothed to his lovely Agnes. He had built a new home for their new family only an hour away by horse. They are with child; I am to be an uncle! Again, my heart knows no limits. It has not known suck emotion since last I saw my beloved. I was shocked, though, to hear that my brother knows of me. But he does not dismiss me as the others would; a rare soul indeed. “You are my blood; my family young Matthias. Nothing can break that bond. Not even Death himself.” He did caution me, though. “The townsfolk will not condone your actions, brother. Do be careful with this one you love. If anyone should ask, I know not what you do in your home nor bedchamber.” He asked for no news other than brief summations; I would respect his wishes. I have told Ethan of my brother’s consent; he is overjoyed to have one to stand with us, if only in spirit.

There is a woman, talked about in rumor, two days out by horseback that will give us the tools to bless our union. I must consult with my love to hear his counsel on such matters; I make no decision without him now if we are to be together. As if we were husband and wife. He arrives on the morrow with his belongings. I must clear room for them in William’s old; we have arranged that we needed to keep appearances if stumbled upon. I dislike the secrecy but it is a necessary evil to protect the man I love.

I have been, in no short words, told what Sodomites are is wrong, evil, sinful. But I see it not as such; I see what we have is beautiful, strong, beyond words. Is not all true love as such?