Chapter 9 – Bridging the Divide

I couldn’t help but stare at him from across the room. His light brown hair seemed to be in need of a trim, the back trying to reach his shoulders but still had a ways to go. The dry air in the school made it frizz out a bit but I didn’t care. The boy could be bald or have horns instead of that velvety cloth upon his head – he would always be beautiful for me.

Jeremy and I have kept a respectable distance from one another, but the further we entrenched ourselves in our positions, the stronger my love for him grew. It made it awkward in the hall when I would say hi to him only to be nearly tongue-tied if he actually asked a question. He would depart shortly after, but not before I noticed the blush on his cheeks or the rise in his pants. It seems distance or absence does make the heart grow fonder.

That isn’t to say that we didn’t hang out. We did, but in short bursts. And Jeremy usually wanted Aaron to tag along. I didn’t mind really, but I felt he was using my brother as a human shield of sorts to make sure he kept his lust for me at bay. With Aaron in the room or within his sights, I saw the love he had for me would vanish within his emeralds. He couldn’t bring himself to even put an arm around me like he did so often my first few days at school, doing his best to be friendly.

I knew he knew I watched him from my solitary post in the cafeteria – Aaron would sit with me but he had a project to work on and needed research time in the school’s library. I told both of my brothers about the library in the house and Aaron seemed as fascinated with it as I did. Chris… not so much. The elder Wentz brother had found, after Mom had faded away, that his credits had been transferred to Penn State Main. The remaining classes of his were online so he didn’t have to worry about commuting all the way to State College. And even more surprising, was the fact that there was a new account in his name at one of the banks that had an enormous amount of money in it. Plenty for the three of us so Chris could focus on his schooling, Aaron and I wouldn’t starve or try to fit into our older clothes, and have money left over for our own college expenses.

The bell rang. As I stood, I felt a few eyes on me. In the short amount of time I’ve been out to the school, no one had really bothered me except for that first day when I willed anyone to try and beat the shit out of me. Maybe that was all I needed to do to prove that I wouldn’t back down if it came to it. But lately, the stares have… changed a bit. At least from a couple of guys in the school. There was this one red-headed kid I almost caught staring at me, practically drooling over me. I felt a bit flattered, if not outright creeped out, but he wasn’t my type. Even if he was – like the one freshman with coppery brown hair and piercing blue eyes that I think openly flirted with me the one day – they are no match for the love I’m willing to wait for. For Jeremy to stop being stubborn, to work past his demons, and love me like he wants to. Like he should.

“Hey Theo,” Jeremy said as he walked past me. At first his eyes sparked greatly at me, radiating that repressed love for me but it was gone in a flash, clouded up by haunting memories of his expired friends. His smile dimmed a bit.

“H-Hey…” I said back, doing my absolute best not to embarrass him by giggling like a schoolgirl – I really wanted to, though. With a half-wave, he turned and headed towards his class, the only period we didn’t have together.

“Still not admitting it?” Aaron was behind me, a hand on my shoulder. I gently shook my head. “Maybe a bit more time, Theo. He’ll come to you – you’ll see.”

“I know Aaron. I know. I’ll wait until the end of time for him, knowing that he really does love me the way I want him to.”

I heard him sigh. “I hope he doesn’t make you wait that long. You deserve to be happy, brother.”

“So do you, Aaron,” I said with a small smile. “Do you have your eye on anyone?” I waggled my brows a bit. He blushed.

“M-Maybe… but I’m not ready to t-talk about it.”

“I won’t tease you anymore. See you later, bud.” He gave me a quick hug and was off to his class. I got to mine with mere seconds to spare. I hardly paid attention in class – my focus tended to be split lately over either Jeremy or Matthias’s diary. One or the other. My urge to keep reading it was getting stronger. I felt as if it was life or death for me to finish it. I couldn’t explain why I felt that way, but I did. I read a couple of entries after Ethan had moved in with Matthias and I was a bit surprised at the level of detail he used to describe parts of Ethan’s anatomy. I felt… dirty, like I had spied on them as they made love. That or I was reading a really great gay sex story. I think it felt more like the first – Matthias is related to me in some way, I’m sure of it.

The day sped by while I coasted, unaware of many things. Just thoughts about reading the diary as soon as I got home. “You okay, Theo?” Aaron asked as we headed towards the main entrance to await Chris. “You seem… extra spacey today.” I watched as Jeremy glanced briefly at me before he exited the school and headed for his bus.

“Yeah… just thinking,” I said absently.

“You know your birthday is coming up. Five days from today.”

I half-snorted. “I think all the Valentine’s posters wouldn’t let me forget, bud,” I said. “Everywhere I turn, there’s either a Cupid or a heart or… something.”

“Have you thought of what you wanted for your birthday?” Jeremy comes to mind, I thought to myself. I couldn’t help but grin at it. “Ew! No, stop! I know what you’re thinking!” Aaron couldn’t help but laugh at me.

“Making fun of me, are you?” I said as I grabbed his waist and spun him around, making him laugh all the more. The moment his feet hit the ground again, he twisted until he turned it into a hug.

“I know you’re still hurting a bit over Jeremy’s… um, stubbornness,” he said into my ear. “But I’m really happy that you’re not so down about it or still upset over what… what she said before, uh, you know.”

“Yeah, I probably should still be upset over what she did say,” I replied as I held Aaron at arm’s length. “But since she doesn’t, um, exist anymore, why should her words? I’m just trying to bide my time until I can take that boy into my room and–”

“Whoa! TMI, Theo!” he laughed.

“What? I was just gonna say, ‘get him to help me with my homework’.” I grinned.

“Sure, why don’t I believe that?” he asked as Chris pulled up.

“Probably because I’m horrible at anatomy,” I said with an even wider grin as we climbed in. Aaron groaned.

“Really Theo? That was horrible!” Aaron made a face.

“Aw, yeah. Middle bro grossing out the baby bro!” He twisted and held a hand out. I slapped it.

“You’re encouraging this?” Aaron asked with a raised eyebrow. “You’re a horrible role model.”

“You want Mom back?” he asked with a raised eyebrow of his own.

“I love you Chris,” Aaron said as he reached over the driver’s seat and quickly embraced him. Chris laughed and started the car back up. We were off once we buckled in. We all chatted with each other about random things. Chris was bitching about his schoolwork and wished he could almost be our ages again – that we didn’t have it all that tough.

He pulled up to the house and we all climbed out and went inside. “Anyone want a snack?” Chris called out.

“Nah, I’m good,” I called as I dashed up the stairs. I didn’t hear Aaron’s reply. I was in my room in no time and I shut the door. I made my way to the diary. After unlocking it, I plopped on my bed and resumed from where I had left off.

3rd of June, Year 1839

I could not be any happier! Ethan had at last agreed to the union! He wished it to be blessed by one that would ordain such things as what we must be. I had, through careful fact seeking, discovered the location of this woman I heard of. The one that will aid us in blessing our union. I have heard other stories; that she is a witch and casts black magic on those who approach her. Some townsfolk wish to see her head on a pike; I do not believe in such nonsense. Still I make for her by sundown; I wish no one to see me and I was to make the trip alone; Ethan will manage the house. He wished me well and a safe journey. I will write more upon my return. I miss him so already!

8th of June, Year 1839

My visit with the woman has left me a trifle confused. Upon arriving, she immediately spoke my name and intentions before I could but voice them! She told me of my boldness, my courage, despite the rumors of her witchcraft. I had to mention that I did not believe such things. She had laughed lightly and spoke: “But you will, Matthias Kester. Given time, you shall see.” I asked for how such proof to be displayed. She spoke of baby Michael; our family ne’er breathed that name to a soul outside the family! I had not told Ethan even. Seeing that woman had my rapt attention, I could do nothing to ignore her words. I felt them strike at my heart in some fashion. She bade me to scribe her words to my hidden journal; no one but I know of it! The words she made me utter twentyfold: “Make sure to write true these words unaltered, for your soul, along with your beloved’s, face a trial. One not to be seen to its end until such time for that love to be borne into a different age. One of more slight acceptance for it; but even I see not when it is to be. In order for this true love to be set free, I bestow upon thee true loves’ offerings. I envy you not, Matthias Kester. For such a trial before you, no lesser men could see it to its end.” She handed me but a pair of rings and medallions. A slip of parchment with words to utter while adorned with such trinkets of immeasurable quality. I asked of what payment to bequeath her; all she asked was for faith in her along with guarantees of continuing my journal; she placed emphasis on the latter. She had gleaned a time where this end of trials shall her advice be still needed if even she was but not around to speak it. I had planned to stop upon our ceremony, set such trivial things aside for more important matters. If to continue these writings for a future generation as payment to her, then so be it. Future Reader of my ramblings; if there is such a thing. Judge me not for what others say of me but of my own actions. If such a time comes when others similar to Ethan and myself are to be free to celebrate this love, then all hope I can place is to be where one of understanding and acceptance takes in these words. I feel but a fool for thinking things as such, but if it is to be, then so be it. If dear Ethan will be at my side for eternity, I will deign to at least to humor the woman.

I must but pause my writings. Ethan calls for me now that I am safe at home. We have missed each other dearly, even if I was gone for but a few days. He wishes to tell me of things that occurred in my absence. One last note to this Future Reader of my thoughts; if this to be a descendant of mine in some way, I wish you but the best in any challenge you face. If you are indeed of Kester stock, you shall be hardy folk; nothing should sway your mind once it be made. Reach for what you wish; it shall be yours.

Matthias’s words left a lasting impression on me this time, more so than any other time. It could be possible since he was actually speaking to me. I read the last paragraph a couple of times before I closed the diary. So he visited some witch that would ordain him and Ethan as husbands? Maybe not in a legal sense, but I know that in those times, such things weren’t too uncommon, living in the moment and not worrying about an uncertain tomorrow.

I couldn’t help but to open the drawer that held the rings and necklaces. I removed them and studied them a bit more than the last time I handled them. The neckwear still looked rather odd to me but still I could tell the craftsmanship that went into the amulet part of the whole piece. It seemed a little strange that the chain was shaped like ivy vines, even with a few leaves jutting out on the bottom part of it – I guess they didn’t want to be stabbed by a metal leaf in the jugular. I couldn’t blame the crafter for that.

My eyes fell to the rings and remembered the inscriptions on each. I decided to try something. Since they weren’t rusted, like that door knob in the secret basement, I figured it was safe to try good old hot water and maybe a toothbrush. Maybe then I could hope to read what they said.

I went to the bathroom and took an unused toothbrush and a cup. Filling the cup with really hot tap water, I took all of the items back to my room. I sat the cup on my night stand and dipped the head of the brush into the water. Making sure they were moist enough, I was able, with some difficulty, to get the bristles to where I needed them to be. I scrubbed a bit and refreshed the hot water only to repeat for what seemed like forever. But finally, the ring was shining like it was brand new. I found an old magnifying glass I had saved for some unknown reason and read the inscription.

To my beloved M. K. May our love reach upwards and expand infinitely as if it were but the sky.

So this ring was the one given by Ethan! That means the other ring was given to Ethan by Matthias. I set it aside and started to work on the other, repeating the brushing and dipping. And after some time, the second ring gleamed in the artificial light. I hurriedly read the inscription on this one.

Our love is like strong ivy. Its grasp is only limited by how far it deigns to reach. E. G. You will always be in my heart.

The beginnings of a last name for Ethan. Finally! It was starting to bug me that Matthias hadn’t written it down once. I guess he didn’t really need to as he knew it. But it just made me curious to see where Ethan’s line ended up. Is it possible that his descendants moved out of the area? If so, then how could – if even I believe what he wrote down from that seemingly crazy witch woman – their love finally happen? Perhaps a visit back to that book Jeremy and I looked at last and all its newspaper clippings might reveal something. If not, I had thousands of books to look at here. Then again, I also had the Internet – it might be helpful somehow.

As I headed downstairs to the library, I ran into Chris. “Hey there Theo,” he said brightly. “What have you been up to for the past hour or so?”

“Not much,” I shrugged. “Just getting up to stretch a bit now. Figured I’d head over towards the library and do some research on a project.”

“Okay, sounds good,” he said as up the steps towards Aaron I assumed. Before he got too far, I called back out to him and he stopped halfway up them. “Yeah?”

I felt the need to ask one question to him. “Chris… do you believe in true love?”

He mulled the question over. “Not totally, no, since I haven’t found it yet for myself. But I do like to believe that it is out there for others at least.” He turned his gaze towards the ceiling. “In fact, sometimes I think that for a very rare few people, regardless of time or distance or any of that, that if a love really is meant to be, no matter what it’ll find its way towards each other and bring them together.”

“Chris… wow,” I said a little startled by his words. “You really are a romantic at heart, aren’t you?”

He grinned. “I’ll deny it if I hear such heinous lies about my character. I’ll have you know I built a pretty good reputation back home with the ladies, if I do say so myself.” I rolled my eyes and laughed before he ran up and out of sight.

Once in the library, my eyes fell on the book of newspaper clippings and sat before it. The book wasn’t disturbed since I last saw it, the article about Thad Kester on display. I felt the need to go backwards in time, back to when Matthias lived. I flipped through, some of the pictures hitting him, and I watched as time regressed. The photos getting a bit more grainy and even, in some cases, gone. Then I found myself back at the article where Matthias was declared missing. I skimmed it, seeing if there was anything relevant to trying to find more about this Ethan of his. I decided to flip back one page.

I scrunched my eyebrows a bit as this was dated a week before Matthias’s disappearance – March eleventh. “Local Boys Caught! Devil-Worshipping Sodomites Exposed!” the headline read. Within the first few sentences, I was mesmerized. About how some farmhands caught the two “sodomizing” each other on the edge of a property. And in two short, quick attacks with a farming tool, the farmhand took one of them out. Killed him. The other managed to flee deeper into the woods. The farmhand told of how he gave chase to him but ultimately lost sight of him. The farmhand mentioned he recognized the other man, but wasn’t quite sure in what way. The authorities would look into it in a day or two, after dealing with a mudslide blocking a major shipping road. I sat back and felt like I was hit by a truck. For the article had a continuance from the next day, stating the one that fled was a Matthias Kester…

And the dead man was a one Ethan Greene.

I wasn’t sure what I was more shocked over: the fact that Ethan was killed, not allowing the two to share a life of happiness together or the fact that Ethan shared a last name with the one I loved. Absently, I closed the book and just stared into space.

I don’t recall where it came from, but a gut feeling told me that everything was nearing its end – the journal, all the secrets about Matthias and Ethan, and quite possibly things between me and Jeremy. Suddenly I stood bolt upright, a huge wave of fear washing over me. As before me, I felt a sickening truth seize my heart.

If things are replaying themselves, will my Jeremy die too?

Suddenly I needed to tell someone about all this, someone else to help make sense of it all. I hurried and reopened the newspaper collection and removed the two articles I needed – by way of the three-ring binder that held it – and made my way back to my room.

I ran down the stairs after checking Aaron and Chris’s room to not find my brothers there. I grabbed all the things in my room before I did, not wanting to make another trip back up here. I found them in the kitchen talking and laughing a bit. I semi-barged into the room, both of them looking at me as I did. Their smiles slowly started to falter.

“Theo… something the matter?” Chris asked. “And what’s all this?”

“C-Can you both come with me?” I asked. “To the living room. Please?”

“Sure,” Chris said a bit worried. Aaron’s face seemed to hold more worry. The two of them followed me there and sat down on the couch. “What’s this about, bro?”

“Yeah Theo… I’m really worried about you right now,” my other brother said. “Did you do something bad?” I was pacing before them.

“N-No, nothing like that. You see…” I stopped and looked at them. “There’s something I’ve been keeping from you. The both of you. It explains why I’ve been holing myself up in either my room or the house library a lot.” I walked over to the one bookshelf. I pressed the hidden switch and spoke as the shelf slid open. “This is how it all started.” I watched as both Chris and Aaron looked on in amazement. “For, I found this one day and knew I had to investigate. And when I did, came upon the remnants of the very first cottage built on this hill. The one supposedly owned by a Matthias Kester and his family, given solely to Matthias once he was of age and his parents had left for the western territories.” Pressing the button again I closed the shelf.

“How do you know all of–” Chris started but I raised a hand, cutting him off.

“When I went down that hidden passage and came across that cottage – rather one room of it – I found all this,” I said as I started laying on the coffee table the necklaces, the rings, the key, and… the diary. “These four items were in a bag hidden in a secret compartment I only found when I tried to climb out through the chimney in that room. Coincidentally, my room’s fireplace is connected to it as later I did climb up and out through the hidden ladder built into the flue.”

“Theo, what are you getting at?” Aaron asked.

“I’ve been reading this,” I said as I pointed to the diary. “It’s the diary of that Matthias Kester. In it, I’ve come to realize a few things that now brought me to needing both of your guys’ help. I’m at a loss as to how I should move with what I know.”

“What would that be?” Chris asked.

I thought about it. “Maybe it’s best if you read for yourselves and see if you’re thinking what I’m thinking.” I picked up the key and diary, unlocking it. I handed it to Chris. “Don’t read past my bookmarker, but start at the beginning. And handle it carefully, please. That book is like at least one hundred and fifty years old.”

The room fell silent as Chris hoisted Aaron onto his lap and the two began to read what I’ve already read. I excused myself to the kitchen and started to work on dinner. I had a feeling we’d be here for a while. But as I did, I tried to piece the whole story together. I knew that I had already read the ending of Matthias’s tale thanks to the newspaper articles I also brought down with me. But there was still a bit of the story I didn’t get to yet. Maybe it was a bit premature to bring them into this without knowing everything. But if what I thought could happen would happen…

I had dinner made and brought out the food to my brothers, both involved in the diary. I carefully laid out the two articles next to the jewelry. I sat patiently waiting, the only sounds in the room being the turning of a page or the crunching of taco shells.

Chris nudged me awake as I had drifted off while the two read. I rubbed my eyes and saw both my brothers sitting on the couch once Chris sat back down. I saw the diary was back on the table and locked. The articles were somewhat on top of the book. “I take you two are now up to speed?”

“Yeah,” Chris said flatly. “I think we are.”

“Uh-huh,” Aaron nodded.

“Did you guys talk about what each of you thinks?” They each shook their heads. “Okay, good.” I stood up and found two sheets of paper and two pens. I gave one of each to them. “Write down as briefly as possible what your conclusions are so far. And be honest, even if you think this is all stupid. I want to make sure neither of you influences the other.” The two scribbled their thoughts onto the pages. Aaron handed me his first as Chris still wrote. He finished a minute later and I read their ideas.

“Well?” Chris said once he realized I was done.

“You both came to nearly the same conclusions as each other, but not to what I think about all this. You both think this is kind of stupid and aren’t sure what I want from either of you. I think I forgot to mention a strong piece of the puzzle.”

“That is?” Aaron asked.

“Do either of you know Jeremy’s last name?” As soon as I said that, Aaron’s eyes nearly shot across the room. His eyes flitted back to the diary and articles. Chris noticed his reaction, still a bit lost.

“Aaron?” he asked.

“Gr-Greene… Jeremy’s last name… is Greene…” His eyes bored into mine. “While I really still am finding this hard to believe, I can’t ignore the fact that two people have just winked out of existence.”

“Two?” Chris asked. “I only know of Mom.”

“One of Jeremy’s cousins had a run-in with first Aaron then me,” I said. “The next day… poof. And it’s actually more like seven or eight at the current count. I got into a few fights when I came out to the school in my oh so graceful manner and they too… poof.”

“So…” Chris said as he stood. “You like Jeremy – as if that wasn’t obvious – and he shares a last name with a guy that was killed for loving one of our long lost relatives. Who managed to escape and leave all this stuff behind for a future generation to find. And you did.” He ran a hand through his hair. “So you think that this is… all like reincarnation or something and that you are Matthias and Jeremy is Ethan, but in modern times like that witch said would happen? And that Jeremy is destined to… to die?”

“I… that thought has crossed my mind,” I said. “But… if we’re to be together… th-then will that put him in danger?” I wiped my eyes. “I-I just want to be with him.”

“The answers you probably want are most likely in the section that hasn’t been read yet, near the end.” He looked at me with a bit of sympathy. “I don’t think you should worry too much just yet, bro. From what I gathered as well, the huge gap in the journal might suggest that, if this is all happening again, then it might be years before you have to worry about that happening. Right now, you’re pretty close to the age Matthias was when he stopped writing in it. Granted that means years of waiting for him to come back to you.” Chris came over and hugged me. “Have you told any of this to Jeremy?”

“What? That he’ll die at some point not long after we do get together?” I laughed a bit bitterly. “No thanks. I’ll only tell him if I feel his life is in danger. Or after it’s all said and done while we grow old and happy together.”

“I can understand that,” Chris said. “Let’s get some sleep. We all have school tomorrow. Yippee.”

“At least you can do yours from home, Mr. College Kid,” Aaron said. “We little folk actually have to go to that evil building.”

“But remember who has to take you,” Chris countered. I gathered all the things I placed on the coffee table and headed towards my room. I debated if I wanted to read more of the diary before bed or not. A yawn took hold of me, answering the question. Maybe if I woke a bit early I could get in an entry.

I climbed into my bed, but not before sliding the amulet with the emeralds into my back pack. For some reason, I figured maybe I could try to nudge Jeremy towards me one last time. If… If he wasn’t ready for it after that… then I’d have to wait for him.

The morning came and I glanced at my phone – five o’clock. I groaned a bit, but I figured I could get ready for school and read the journal of Matthias before I had to head off to school. Once I sped through my morning routine and had the diary unlocked, I settled in for a bit of reading.

All Hallows Eve, Year 1839

The house received a surprise guest in the dawn. The woman who bestowed me the trinkets upon my last sight of her had come with the implements needed to seal our union. She had, after my inquiries, informed my Ethan and I of a temporary union blessing; the one Ethan and I performed on ourselves. Her words also spoke of our ceremony acting as a catalyst for what would occur later. She first wished a few words of me.

She questioned my task appointed by her; I told her the diary continues with Ethan unawares. And her words were scribed to my last; she had but more to give: “The rings of which you have inscribed with true love’s words bind your souls to this world. So shall both rings exist, so too shall both souls exist. The wearers of these rings will but entwine those souls into one. The medallions but upon your breasts shall grant unerring sight into the heart of your beloved. So long as both possess them, ask and you shall see.” I felt a fool, but her words stirred me to test their validity. As I held the amulet, I but thought of Ethan. To my surprise I felt it! It… this sorcery had actually worked!

After our exchange, the woman performed her rites upon us. I could not but stare longingly into the eyes of my one reason for living. My Ethan. He could do nothing but stare back as our fingers twined together. Her words before told us not to kiss until appropriate; to do otherwise would bring ruin to the rites. It was difficult, but both held to reason until her words spoke of us to join our lips. The moment was breathtaking! Amazing! We had separated and could not help but look again into our love’s eyes. It felt an honor to be loved by one such as Ethan. I fear he is too good for me. That this is but an illusion, preying upon my desires. But tis not; I feel his heart beat for me! And mine for he!

Dear Reader of my words, one cannot truly live without but once having experienced this level of… passion. This love. Until such time as for you to feel its gentle caress, do not stop. Find your love. Make it known; make it yours.

I actually was moved by this latest entry. Their union was finalized! It made me happy to know that at least, for a time, the two were “married”. It renewed my strength. And the final words of the entry bolstered my courage to try once more as I had thought of last night before bed. Before I read the entry, I started to doubt my actions. I didn’t want to end up pushing Jeremy so hard that he resented me for it. But I had to try. My heart would never be complete without him in my life.

Chris had knocked on my door and told me it was almost time to go. He wanted me to get something to eat before I ran out of time, so I locked up the journal and put it in its new little home before bounding down the stairs.

After I ate, the three of us headed off to school and Chris dropped us off. I checked the time and saw that I had plenty of time to talk to Jeremy before classes started. Aaron begged off, saying he had to talk to a teacher about something. I said goodbye as he walked around a corner, out of sight. I ended up heading towards the cafeteria.

I saw him, his head down somewhat and alone. I took in a breath and stepped over to him. My heart started to race at unspoken promises and of idealized hope. “H-Hey Jeremy.”

He looked up and I saw a tiny bit of conflict in his eyes. It faded as soon as I saw it. “Hey Theo. How are things?” At least I made him smile. That made me smile a bit more myself.

“O-Okay,” I said. “Um… you wanna, maybe… walk around the school with me? I just wanna… talk.” My nervousness started to increase the longer I stood near Jeremy.

He looked at me a bit strangely. “Can’t we talk here?”

“We could, but… um, I’d like to make sure we’re alone. If that’s okay.”

He mulled it over before he smiled brighter at me. “Okay, a walk it is.” He grabbed his things and we headed back outside into the crisp morning air. As we walked, I could see the little steam clouds of our breaths almost intermingle in front of us. It made me wish more than just our breath would combine. Once we were on the one side of the building, Jeremy broke the silence that surrounded us. “So… what’s up?”

“I’ve missed you, you know,” I said, semi-blurting that out. I cringed a bit, thinking that sounded desperate. “I’ve missed doing this with you.”

He paused before he said, “It is kinda nice.” I laughed lightly.

“The snow’s pretty. I’m still not used to seeing it all the time.”

“It’s a pain to drive in though. Mom almost wrecked her car the one year because of a patch of black ice under some snow on the road. She didn’t though, thank God.” A semi-comfortable silence developed as we slowly meandered around the building, now turning again to be behind it. Snow crunched under out sneakers. “Theo… is there something on your mind? I think I can see that you want to say something to me.” I turned to him slightly as he bit his lip. “Honestly, I’m a little afraid of what that is going to be.”

I stopped us. “It’s, uh, nothing. I mean, it’s just… I wanted to… to give you something.”

“Like what?” he said, taking a half step back. I slightly shook my head as I dug into my bag. I located it and produced the medallion.

“I… I-I want you to have this, Jeremy,” I said as I held it towards him. “I-I found it… inside my house.”

He reached for it slowly as if it were a mirage to him. “Th…Theo… It’s… amazing…” He stopped his reach as he shook his hand. His hand lowered. “I-I can’t accept this. This has to be worth a fortune or something. I mean… are those real emeralds?”

“I-I think so. I’m not sure to be honest.” I jostled it a second, bringing his attention to it once more. “Jeremy… please. Take it. I want you to have it. A gift from a… a fr-friend. N-Nothing more.”

“Are you really sure about this? I mean… why, even?”

I reached with my left hand and grabbed his wrist and upturned that hand and deposited the necklace onto it. I grasped his soft fingers and made them curl around it. I squeezed his fist a bit before I let go. All of that contact with his skin sent electrical impulses through my arm and straight to my brain. “I hope you wear it, Jeremy. I… I think it’d bring out your eyes more.” I couldn’t help but whisper, “You have really pretty eyes…”

His eyes locked with mine but I could tell he willed himself to remain where he was. Slowly, he blinked. “I-I don’t know what to say.” He took the hand with the necklace and brought it to his chest. “Thank you, Theo.”

I just sort of shrugged. “No problem.” Jeremy unclasped the chain and attempted to put it around his neck. He seemed to be having an issue clasping it back together. “You… want some help with it?”

“Sure.” I walked behind him and took the chain ends from him and brought them together, lowering the metal to rest against his skin. My fingertips brushed against that same skin and I heard Jeremy take in a breath at my touch. Standing so close to him, to the boy I wanted to love more than life itself, I couldn’t help but wrap my arms around his waist slowly and hugged his back softly. “I-I don’t understand something, Jeremy. Can you help me figure it out… maybe?”

“U-Uh… what’s th-that?” he stuttered. His stomach was tense under my hands.

“I see it in your eyes… every day you see me. But you deny it to yourself,” I whispered into his ear. “Why do keep away from me when… I know you love me as much as I love you?” Slowly, I lowered my head to rest on his back. The small, quiet sobs started to wrack his body.

“I-I-I don’t want to see you get… get hurt because of me. And I-I couldn’t go on if it happened again. I told you this…” I felt his hands rest on top of mine. “Theo… I w-want this. I-I want… I want you.” His hand, with some effort on his part, wrapped around mine and slowly pulled my arms from his waist. He turned around to face me. A few tears froze to his face from the biting winds. “But I… I can’t have you. Don’t you see, Theo? My love… it… it kills the ones I care about. I-I can’t have another dead love on my hands. I can’t do it. I’m sorry.” He dropped my arms.

“What if this is different?” I asked as he turned to face away from me again. “What if I can cure your broken heart? Can’t you let me at least try? Because I’m willing to try, Jeremy.” I grabbed his arm. “No matter what. No matter the cost.”

Gently, he slipped from my grip. “G-Go. Find someone else worthy of y-your heart, Theo. G-Go and be happy.”

“I’ll wait for you, Jeremy Greene,” I said as he walked away from me. “I’ll always wait for you. No matter what you say or do, my heart is yours. It always has been – you stole it on day one.” He didn’t turn around and entered the school through the back entrance. I watched him through the glass as he walked into a stairwell and disappeared.

I decided to walk around the building as I wiped my face. I tried. So hard. He told me he wants me, as I want him. But those two deaths of his former friends… he can’t seem to look past them. See that just because he loved them doesn’t make him responsible for them dying. How can I get him to realize it?

I walked into the front doors again just as the first bell sounded. I went to my locker and swapped out some books and stuff, lost in a haze. Shutting the door, I headed towards first period. I sat down and drowned everything else out. My heart, while not broken, was heavy with grief. I just wanted him to be happy…. Happy with me. His heart has to be heavy too. I just know that it is. If he’d let me, I could take away all of his pain.

Before I realized it, it was already time to move on to third period. But as I was leaving my second period class, I noticed a certain desk was empty. I glanced at all the departing kids and didn’t see him at all. Maybe he slipped away without letting me see him.

I got to our study hall. It was one of the few places where Jeremy and I would just talk and be… normal. No pretense of either of us being in love with one another and not doing anything about it. We existed as just friends in this room. He wasn’t there when I arrived. Something didn’t feel right to me. And it was confirmed when the bell rang. He didn’t show. Maybe he got held up and ran a bit late. That gnawing sensation I felt grew exponentially as the minutes started to tick by. He was here this morning! What could have happened to him? To my Jeremy?

Until I had him back or the answers to that question in my hand, the rest of the day was going to be very, very long.