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First, I’m sorry if I caused any trouble on GA. That was never my intention. No one wants to read about another person’s illness, so I’ll make this brief. Last Tuesday morning I went to our emergency room due to strong abdominal pains. After a scan, the ER doctor told me I have stage 4 pancreatic cancer; it had already spread to my abdomen wall and into my liver. I’m a realist, and there is only one prognosis – which is obvious. It’s just a matter of how long. The rest of the week was spent in a larger hospital on a ‘medical campus.’ During that time, I was mostly doped up and out of it. Only when I got home did my friends find and old laptop and connect it to our internet. I check into the ‘cancer hospital’ of that medical campus on Wednesday morning for a final test and hopefully a realistic appraisal of how much time I have left. It’s the only question that means anything, yet is the one they don’t want to answer. I guess it interferes with their sales pitch or something. I always thought cancer was something I didn’t have to worry about until I was older, especially this one. But it seems when you’re younger it is more common for it to be discovered in late stages because your body is strong enough to hide any symptoms. I can only write when I’m in pain. Then I take my knockout drop and fade away. This blog entry was written in Word, over five cycles so I could post it now. Thanks for all the good wishes sent my way, and thank-you to AC, who takes friendships seriously. OK, that's all I can write right now.

My best friend sent me a txt at 6am this morning. She's in a hospital in OKC with a massive infection in her lower back. She's had multiple back surgeries in the last 10+ years. Two weeks ago her pain level was so high she was nearly suicidal. Not helping that her "pain management" Dr. cut back her pain Rx to a point where they're useless. She finally convenced them to take an MRI and they found a "raging infection of osteomyelitis in her spine where her hardware is. She kept trying to tell them something was wrong but they weren't listening. She has a PICC line [a line direct to the heart to deliver meds]. She had FOUR bone marrow biopsy's on Tuesday. The meds they started to use caused reactions that let to seizures and had the hospital call her husband and daughter (my god-child) to get to the hospital ASAP; her blood pressure rapidly went from 90/60 to 160/90. She's "better now" but can't use her legs -- she wasn't clear, but that sounds permanent And because of the COVID situation I really can't go down to see her. 😢

Last Tuesday I woke up w. an ear ache from sinus congestion and a slightly elevated temp; went into Urgent Care on Wed and -- based on my history of sinus infections and a lack of more serious symptoms -- got some antibiotics. Those haven't worked. My normal body temp is at the low end of normal (low to mid 97's; occasionally high 96's. Hit hit 99.8F yesterday. Shortness of breath is getting worse, lethargy has been present the last few days, and this morning the "digestive upset" portion of CoVID-19 symptoms kicked in. I'll need to call the Health Dept. tomorrow and set up an appointment but even if I get in then it could be Friday before I get a result. Because of my asthma I do have a blood-oxygen reader at home and it's till 97%, so that's good. Worried about SP -- either he's positive and asymptomatic, or negative and at risk. I've not been many places, and have always worn my mask. Wish us luck. I'll probably be doing some meditating this afternoon -- if I can get my mind into that state.

While i've not gotten Covid, it did a number on me and lots of others, too, i know. This week i managed to write and post a poem, the first in what 2 years? I am so very nearly finished with Kidnapped (working title) ... i have edited the first 6 chapters and finishing writing chapter 20. I will finish it. i was inspired to after events in the last week. my FiL has cancer he's been fighting it for over a year now, and on Saturday, my MiL called and said that he'd like to see everyone. So, we all went down to the Toronto Western, where he has been for the past 8 weeks. There's been just so much ... small strokes, catheters, chemo, rehab, a lot of discomfort and pain and so much more. My MiL spends each day there at the hospital. Often from 9 am to 11 pm, comforting and helping him. Due to Covid we cannot visit his room. But he has a super wheelchair, and he came down to the very big lobby/food court. I'd seen him last at Christmas time. He was thin, but on Sunday, he was not the same man. Skeletal is the best word i can think of. He barely knew us but would brighten now and again. He's on a lot of medication. i watched my MiL roll him in and my heart just broke. This profound sadness washed over me and i couldn't see how he'd come back from this. They cannot give him more chemo and he's in no way healthy enough for rehab. They are looking for a hospice that is pet friendly so his sweet cat can visit. He wants to go home or at least get out of the hospital so he can see her. Why am i telling you all of this? i realized that life is so fleeting. My attempts to end my own wasn't enough to show me that. i decided that i need to make changes. i need to finish things that are important to me. i need to stop worrying about things that i cannot change; that are not my a fault. I need to work less, which is going to happen, in the next 6 months or less, i hope. .. NO! i don't hope.. it's going to happen. i will either work part time or not at all. I'm a good writer ... i have 3 good stories that are nearly done and I'm going to finish them. Here's a small scene from chapter 6 of Kidnapped: Thanks for reading. Now get out there and live. xo

This is my first blog entry here in GA, and I must tell you I am a lousy bloger. I have started three blogs in my online life and abandoned all three after a while because of lack things to post. Then, why am I doing this now? Do I have more things happening to me now? Well... for starters, I am indeed going through a period of change, no not Sex change, but a change regarding my career, my life, my surroundings and what not. More over, I have matured over the years to be able to find few stuff that I wanna write about and share with my friends. Especially so, since GA has provided me Safe Space to do that, where people are most non-judgemental and supporting in what I have encountered all over the internet. I am glad, I am a member of a proud effective community like GA, and am capable of giving a hands up to other members when they are in need, in turn. My life has changed dramatically since I had discovered GA early last year and ever since I have become an active member, it has become simply divine. I have all my GA friends and authors and admins and lurkers and posters and blogers to thank for that. GOD bless GA and its people. So, the Durga Puja is here. For those uninitiated in Indian Culture, it is the biggest event of the Bengali calender and the festivities are celebrated in a larger than life level in all over Eastern India, especially Kolkata, my hometown. It is centered around the worship of Mother Goddess Durga Mahishasuramardini, the Slayer of Buffalo Demon. The people erect practically thousands of Pandals(makeshift temples) through out the city and eachone houses her idol and worship commences. In recent years, Theme Puja has taken place of traditional puja, and Themes can be as bizzare as Sugarcane Fiber to Tea Leaves to Glass to Bull shit. There are entire Pandals made out of this with intricate designing and decorations, sometimes even the Goddess idol. It is an awe inspiring experience to be in Kolkata during the festival. I term it the Carnival of Kolkata, quite adequately. There are amazing street food all over. Restaurents come up with great traditional and fusion delicasies in this period. People literary clog the streets, the night lights up amazing effulgence and people mostly opt for the whole night outings, which is a good idea if you think about the merciless autumn sun during the day, but becomes a less happy notion if you consider the horde of people in the streets at night. The puja traditionally starts from Shashthi and continues till Dashami, that is the sixth to the tenth of the current lunar cycle. But, the festivities start from last day of the lunar cycle, some places even earlier. And ends with Laxmi puja, coming full moon. Then another heavy dose of celebration comes along with Kali puja, Dewali, Bhai Fonta in another fortnight. So, in essence this is a time of many celebrations. For those in the western hemisphere, you may not know but this year the Eid ul Azha, the Eid of Sacrifice has also coincided with Durga puja. This makes it doublely celebratory, especially for our muslim brothers who work tirelessly in all those pandals and idol work shops to make our Puja special. It is impossible to catch puja in so few words, that has so many facets in our Bengali minds, in a single post. So, I am gonna write about it soon and more will come. Durga Puja is when the Goddess comes back to her parents as per the traditional Bengali thought, long way from her in-law homes. It is the time when our daughters come to visit their parents' houses as well, with their husbands and children in tow just as Ma Durga comes with her sons, Kartik and Ganesh and her daughters, Lakkhi and Saraswati. It is a time of homecoming. I am gonna go home too a day before Shashthi and my married big sister gonna come stay with us for few days. In olden days, this used to be the only time the daughters were allowed to see their parents after marriage, even get out of their houses in most aristocratic homes. So has been the tradition for last thousand years. I guess you can understand why the flood gate of emotion just bursts around this time. I am gonna take a bus from Dhaka, cross the border at Benapole and then straight to Kolkata. It's an almost 14 hours long ride and extremely exhausting. And on top it, I have a bad cold. Taking multiple meds to get it under control. Also, have a truckload of school work with me. But, anything is worth it, if I get to be with my family and friends during the puja. I will be happy.