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  1. We had the internment for my mom yesterday morning -- just my brother and I, our SO's, and my last surviving Aunt. My brother surprised both SP and me by asking if we wanted to go somewhere for lunch. Had a nice meal without any awkward silences, so that was nice. Maybe -- maybe -- he's changing some. But then just a couple of weeks ago when he stopped by to sign mom's life insurance paperwork he never even turned off the car. Doesn't seem like it's been almost 12 month's since SP and I had our first date, sending us down this road of our new relationship. He's said that there are doors opening in his heart he's kept closed for quite some time. Love him so much.
  2. On GA we have a great and friendly community. I've enjoyed my time here. I have met some wonderful people. I accept these people for who they are here, online. I use my real first name, Michael or Mike. I do not share my real surname here or on my email address. I believe in privacy. People can accept that or not. The majority I have met, do. The internet is a tool. It has much to offer and much to answer for. We need to be careful online and respectful of others. Much can befall people who are not careful. This goes especially for your personal information. To be liked and successful online, do not ask for private details, do not share yours. Don’t give people too much information about your job or your employer or school. You do not have to meet people in person no matter what they tell you or say. Watch your privacy settings on Facebook, and other social media. If you choose to meet someone, be careful. Never meet in private, never give your home address, make sure someone knows where you are and have a set time for them to call you to confirm you are okay. Be smart and be safe. If people want things from you ... money, information or anything that makes you uncomfortable, and saying no, I’m not comfortable with that does not stop them or satisfy them, then you may have to walk away. Anyone calling you friend, will understand and be happy with the relationship you have within your own personal boundaries. If they are not, if they draw a line in the sand expecting you to tell them everything to keep them a friend, then they were never your friend and do not deserve you in their life. Keep safe online. Enjoy your friends. Trust them, until you have reason not to. So this is a two-for-one blog ... you lucky people!!! (insert a laugh here) Love The world outside is hard and tiresome. We work, drive and slog through everyday living looking forward to going home when our duties are done. Home is a refuge for most of us. It is for me. It was when I was single, even more so now with my husband, tim. Millions of songs have said it … you are my everything, my reason. And tim is to me. When I step inside our apartment and close the world out behind me. There he is. All I want and all I need. I love him, like no other. Each day I am grateful to have what I do in my life. Tell those you love and care for how you feel. Share that because it is what the world and we all, need now. Thanks for reading.
  3. I know I’ve said this before; I always wanted a marriage like my parents have. Of course, I knew it wouldn’t be traditional, given the fact I am Gay, but I wanted it all the same. As I hung with friends, played baseball and hockey, went through school, I came to realize I was often assuming a dominant position, and often asked to lead. It was sort of a natural thing. I ended up in school taking criminology and socio-legal studies, and received my degree. I went on to become a police officer and eventually a detective. While I was still a uniformed officer, I accepted who I was: a Dominant Sadist. I read and spoke to people and dipped my toes into the world of BDSM, and D/s. I met John, a friend and mentor who was also a cop at the time. I learned more and dated. Submissive men were attracted and attractive to me. Yet it was an unsettled life. The boys came and went. I still wanted to find, him—the one. I’ve written about that before, meeting tim. We have been together now for ten years, married for nine of them. We have had ups and downs. We have made mistakes, yet we remain together. Recently, when our anniversary was upon us, we talked about why and what our relationship is, and means. We both feel we are as strong as we are because of our chosen lifestyle: D/s. It is a journey. The relationship between us a living thing. Love needs tending. It needs thought and touch. It needs the everyday small things. There are few arguments in our house, because we both accept our roles within our relationship. When you accept that, there is little to fight about. In our case our life needs discipline, strictness, pain, honesty and above all else, it needs trust. tim’s trust and belief in me is at its strongest now, I think. It is a fine line, this place of Dom/boy/husbands. Yet, it can work. You both must want it and you must both be headed in the same direction. Our destination is the horizon. After ten years you’d think things and feelings would wane. Last night tim, was tired. I put him to bed with his natural calm and some reading. He fell asleep and when I returned, I settled him down. I lay with him, holding him to me. He pushed back and moved in my arms, telling me of his desire. Wiggling … still after all these years. Those feelings still strong between us. I whispered, “you need to sleep, boy.” There was a small sigh … Doms hate sighs! But I couldn’t help but smile as he snuggled back and replied, “Yes, Sir.” All is right in my world. I hope it is in yours. I wish you all a wonderful Christmas/Holiday Season and a joyous New Year.
  4. I suppose this piece should have a WARNING … if you are closed minded, cannot deal with things outside your own experience or what you think is 'normal', or believe that relationships with more than two people are wrong. DO NOT READ THIS. I have never been conventional. Well, I say that, yet, I wanted to be married. But I also believe you can love more than one. I believe that bringing others into a relationship for friendship and sex is a good thing and that it can work. Until last year, my husband resisted that. he was unsure, worried that I would love the other more, leave him possibly. We eventually did share with another couple we've known for a long time. tim came to realize that I would never leave him. That he is my main dance partner for life. And, if push came to shove … he is truly all I need. Knowing that has freed him. Freed him to not be afraid of both mental and physical relationships with others. That is not to say that we just jump into bed with everyone. We do not, nor do we want to. There has to be a connection, feeling … neither of us want some casual thing. Early this year an ex of mine, who remained a friend, came to me to talk and for some comfort. He'd been ready to ask his boyfriend to marry him. Just before that event, the boyfriend admitted he was tired and had met someone else. Someone he'd been having an affair with for nearly a year. My friend Jim was devastated. He changed his shift to nights only, so he slept in the day, making it easier to avoid life. One day Jim asked if he could spend more time with us. I said sure. I'm not sure how we ended up on the topic but he asked if we might consider more with him. He was missing companionship and sex. He and I had dated for a couple of years and we had parted for various reasons as friends, so I had no problem with that. I still cared for him a lot. And then I nearly messed it up by pushing too hard. It upset my husband, who knew who Jim was, but didn't know him. After some real honest talk, the three of us decided we needed to spend time together to get to know each other, to let things develop. I'm happy to say they have developed. We have this closeness now, a bond. We care deeply and continue to nurture this new relationship. I'm not sure how far it will go or where we may end up. But for now it feels good, and it feels right.
  5. Like the title says not all things in life work. It's a shame, but it's true. My desire for our new boyfriend to become more in our little family didn't come to fruition. He decided it wasn't right for him and moved on. I've talked to him, but we'll leave it here for the moment. All of this was hard on tim. Especially since he'd grown so close to Jim. tim is willing to continue on this adventure - he has a big heart and wants to make me happy - but we will see. I am aware of other things he wants to explore, more related to our lifestyle, perhaps that's the best way to go. Hearts are nothing to be played with.
  6. I thought I knew what love is. I thought I knew when I met tim. I thought I knew when he agreed to marry me. But walking behind him down the street, watching his such-long legs supporting his perfect ass and his black leather jacket sitting just at his sweetly slim hips, made me feel it deeply. This brilliant, sexy, funny, and deeply compassionate man was mine. Then he turned and he smiled at me. It was such a smile, it lit my soul with the brilliance of a thousand suns. I wondered what I'd done to deserve him in my life. tim is a good boy. At dinner he was so calm, so relaxed and happy, when the waiter offered a drink, he ordered a glass of chardonnay. Like you would. Except in our lifestyle, he should have asked me. he realised and looked to me, eyes wide. But today he'd been so happy, so in the moment, I smiled and waved away the small infraction. he knew … that was enough. And I knew. And I know and I hope in that moment, he knew just what he means to me.
  7. MichaelS36

    Worthy

    How do you tell someone who can't see themselves, they are worthy … of love … of life? I see the dark circles under your beautiful brown eyes And I wonder how I can fix it … Fix all the wrongs done to you in your life How can I take that pain from then and now? You do not see your own strength within you Life dealt you a bad hand You lived through pain, and horrors I cannot imagine I can only promise to be with you To hold you up and protect you when I can Don’t hate yourself for the days when you can’t face life when you need time to become yourself once again Be as kind to the man in mirror as you are to others Forget those who find glee in your pain, who taunt They are not worthy of your time or thought Don’t compare yourself to them or others For you are the dawn in my days The bright ember in my heart; the love of my life … … and you are worthy Of me and our everlasting love
  8. And I am … weary that is. There are times I just want peace, selfishly for myself. Fighting tim's depression, mood swings and self-loathing, wears me out, it tires me and breaks my heart. And today when I bent to pick up his ART meds, he no longer wants to take … today I wondered why I continue. That scared me, that question, because never before have I asked it. Valentine's Day is the worst day of the year, for him and so for me. It brings memories to my sweet husband, things, time and people that are lost to him. The lack, leaves holes and dark empty spaces no one and nothing can fill. I beg him to take his meds, remind him today is only one day and it will pass … that tomorrow will be a better day. he takes them, but I can see the disappointment in his eyes as that lie passes my lips. And I wonder for how much longer I can do this? How much longer will he bear what he does before he chooses to stop his meds? And I give myself a shake and go to shower. It's Friday and we have an appointment to keep.
  9. It's a funny thing, marriage. We go through life together my husband and I. We work, commute, shop, watch TV, cook, eat, shower, make love, laugh, talk and all the other things we do, together each day. Often by rote. Often without a lot of thought. I care for him during those times he is in the troughs of depression. When he's ill. When he's afraid. During the nights when nightmares of the past haunt him. It's my duty as his partner to be there for him. It isn't a chore, it's a privilege to be married to him, and to be there for him. But life is filled with cycles. We go through them and sometimes I just wake up and see him. Who he really is and what he means to me. In those moments I know what love is. And it's so intense it takes my breath away. As I fall in love with him all over again.
  10. WARNING ***Discussion of race, religion, bigotry lies ahead. It's what I feel and think. If you don't like what I feel and think feel free to ignore this blog. If your mind is closed, do not read this blog. If you are afraid of your own truth, do not read this blog. If you are looking for honesty and acceptance, I hope you choose to read on. *** I've been thinking about what is going on in our world besides COVID-19. I wish it wasn't what has been happening. I've been debating saying anything about how I feel but an online posting by a woman, who is an educator just made me decide. I wish I knew her name but it's not on what I listened to. However, there is a lot online about this topic. About the scientific fact there is only a single race of people on the planet Earth. Like other groups of animals we come in various colours, shapes and styles. Cats, for example, come in a rainbow of colours, some with folded ears, some with extra toes, some with no tails or fur... do we shun tailless cats? Think of them as less of a cat because of this fact? No. Do we think they are dogs because they have no tail, or some other lesser species? NO! The same goes for skin colour. Skin pigmentation does not signal a different race, nor does your religion. As the lady says, believing that is stupid and wrong. The invention that Black people and others are a different race is, like religion, a human invention. It was made up because it was easier to believe that, so oppressors and slavers could defend what they were doing. We still do it. We decide based on skin colour, who a person is, what they are. Religion was made up also as a form of control. So a few could control many with the fear of the Almighty. Believe me, Jesus Christ, who I do believe existed, was not a white man. He did not have blue eyes and blond hair. But how can such wisdom come from someone not white? Because it came from a fellow human being with the same depth of being, of caring that exists in many of us today. We come in all colours. Yesterday, I listened to weeping Black women, who were being robbed in their own stores by other Black people, at gun point. They were saying, Black lives don't even matter to ourselves. It's heartbreaking. There are lots of instances of white people doing the same to fellow white people. Racism is alive and well, same-colour on same-colour violence and hatred is alive and well. We need to stop. We need to use our intelligence and see there are good and bad people in all colours and genders. Colour is not a marker, it does not define if we will be good, bad, intelligent, racist, quiet, loud, violent, gentle, loving or hating. There is no racism gene. How we behave and what we believe is learned. And we can unlearn it. Do not be afraid to look at yourself as I look at myself. Reach out to all your brothers and sisters and fellow humans, no matter what they call themselves, who they love or what they believe. As a very out Gay man I have fought for my right to BE. Black Gay friends have had it doubly hard. That is wrong...WRONG! IT NEEDS TO STOP. STOP THE HATRED, STOP BEING AFRAID. Love your fellow man. Yes, there be monsters but they are not defined by colour. Michael S. 6/6/2020
  11. SP and I got married yesterday -- the 1-yr anniversary of our first date. We'll need to take off Monday morning to return the license to the court clerk.
  12. SP and I are going to start pre-marriage counseling next week. Expect it to be a bit rough, but good in the long run. There are things in his past he thinks he's dealt with, that I don't think he has. We've had a few difficult conversations the last week -- not helped by my pain level having been extremely high for three days now -- but we'll work through things.
  13. My best friend sent me a txt at 6am this morning. She's in a hospital in OKC with a massive infection in her lower back. She's had multiple back surgeries in the last 10+ years. Two weeks ago her pain level was so high she was nearly suicidal. Not helping that her "pain management" Dr. cut back her pain Rx to a point where they're useless. She finally convenced them to take an MRI and they found a "raging infection of osteomyelitis in her spine where her hardware is. She kept trying to tell them something was wrong but they weren't listening. She has a PICC line [a line direct to the heart to deliver meds]. She had FOUR bone marrow biopsy's on Tuesday. The meds they started to use caused reactions that let to seizures and had the hospital call her husband and daughter (my god-child) to get to the hospital ASAP; her blood pressure rapidly went from 90/60 to 160/90. She's "better now" but can't use her legs -- she wasn't clear, but that sounds permanent And because of the COVID situation I really can't go down to see her. 😢
  14. Better late than never might be the motto hanging over the entrance ... Oh well ... As the story continues to progress, maybe there'll be things you'd like to chat about, complain, moan. Whatever. First though, I've an announcement about Tony and Geoff, and the next few months. As a serial which is written as it's being posted, T&G needs discipline as well as enjoyment on my part. Over the past couple of episodes, that discipline has felt more like a constraint, something that holds me back from writing other things. So the next chapter, 17, about the meal, will be the last for a short while. It will finish Part 1 of Soul Music. I love the characters and I have plenty left to do with them, but I need a break. Both to do other things, and to recharge that part of my creative battery. I expect Geoff to be having that conversation with his mother sometime in July, probably as the opening chapter of Part 2. Sorry to keep you hanging on that one, but the meal seemed the only point at which I could call a temporary halt. @Parker Owens as my editor, and the person with the most invested in the story after me, has agreed with my decision. So, there it is. It will allow me to write more for GA - about Eric, amongst others, and another longish entry for the next anthology. In the meantime, there is one more chapter to write (and it may well turn out to be long one ). I hope you've enjoyed it so far and that you'll rejoin me when I announce the start of Part 2 in this thread.
  15. So... the mega-million question everyone some time in their life would ask themselves. Please be honest about your own selection. That is, how you truly believe and practice in your own life, not what is considered socially acceptable (which could go either way, by the way), or what you believe to be the ideal. If you have a background story that affects how you define your own sexuality, feel free to share at your own comfort level. This is by no mean a scientific study, but a survey out of curiosity. It is not to be used to define what sexuality is in an objective measure. So please keep it civil and academic. And I keep it only two options so it forces people to choose only one. I know to plenty of us love and sex are inseparable. But if you can only choose having just one, which would you be rather having? Currently I am limiting the question to only gay people (gay and lesbian), because I believe it might be more helpful to understand just one focused group rather than include bisexual, pansexual, asexual, straight people into the formula, who might have very different answers due to very different circumstances. If this survey proves to be meaningful (and please keep it civil and academic), then we'll move on to other spectrum of the sexuality. Let's face it, it's pretty complex just within this selected group. I confess Lesbians might have very different rationale than gay people also, but I believe it's good to include lesbians in this mix, due to the commonality that our relationship is strictly committed to just one gender (besides straight couples). I will reveal my own opinion on this subject later, as not to sway the outcome of this survey by setting a tone. So what do you think that made you gay? Sex or Love?
  16. SP and I bought promise / engagement rings today. His is 10mm wide - 6mm black band in the center, with two small silver bands on the outside, spaced slightly off the main ring; mine is a 6mm black band. It was good. We did not go to the cemetery today like I had originally thought I would. The last two years I had very strong "intuition" on what day and time I should be there. This year... nothing. That really upset me yesterday; then felt bad about being upset about it when SP and I are almost at our 6-month anniversary (the 27th -- which is also C's birthday -- which hasn't helped any). I think that lack of "intuition" was C's way of telling me to let him go. Not entirely of course, I'll always love him, but I can't look back and look forward too. Times, like yesterday, I still feel very torn by my emotions towards my Boy and my Darling; my past, and [hopefully] my future.
  17. I like songs about relationships, whether it be about friendships, falling in love or breaking up, that are gender-neutral so that they could apply to any pairing of two people. This isn't to say I can't or don't enjoy songs that use pronouns or clearly talk about females, but I wouldn't send that song to a guy and say this is how I feel about you. I'm curious what songs others like that fall into this category. I'll start us out with a few I can think of off the top of my head: Just a Kiss by Lady A I Won't Give Up by Jason Mraz I'm Yours by Jason Mraz Sweetest Perfection by Depeche Mode What Hurts the Most by Rascal Flatts Somebody to Love by Queen
  18. Nervous tonight. SP has to work tomorrow evening at his second job so our Valentine's date is tonight. Shaved my beard down close -- it hasn't been this tight in decades -- because he thought the longer one I had made me look older (probably did). He knows how long I've worn it that way and that this is only something I would be doing for him. Will leave here in about 30 min to go pick him up. Much more nervous than I thought I would be. Made sure to have his card and box of chocolates in the car; his flowers will be delivered to his office tomorrow. No idea where we are going to eat -- he arranged all of the evening plans.
  19. Warning: This is me whining, but trying to get my thoughts in order by writing them out. I left work early today not knowing if I was going to start screaming or crying; or just start doing both. This week has not been a good one. The weather keeps shifting back and forth by large jumps so the joints can't get back in balance before the next front hits. This is keeping my pain level above normal, and that is increasing my depression, and that is increasing my level of irritation. Partly because of this and partly -- I think -- because of the increased feelings for SP, C has been on my mind a lot the last few days. SP knows something is up because he reminded me he was there if I needed to talk. I wasn't going to because I don't want him to think he's competing for my love with a ghost, but I'm finding that to be deceitful; lies of omission. So I've decided I need to talk to him about C being in my dreams and how that relates to our beginnings. I'm pretty sure that SP will understand where these things are coming from. I've already said that my love for C will always be there. That won't fade as my love for SP grows, and he is aware of that. He actually brought up polyamory, and that is what led to that conversation. It's nice to be dating someone who is open to the idea of polyamory and the possibility of finding a third -- for the long term -- once our foundation is set. I Will Love You by Gin Wigmore came on this morning and I thought I was going to break down in my office - "So if you die before I do, I know the heartache will kill me too. So if I ever live again, It will be to find you." My brother sent a txt this afternoon telling me to call him when I had a chance. He never does that so I knew it wasn't good news. They brought dad from Skilled Nursing back to where he's been living for the last 9 years. Both my brother and I thought his memory would be better once he was back in familiar surroundings, but... doesn't look like it's going to be. He really didn't remember the building. He remembered the tractor in front of his door and a few other things but asked if he had lived there before. He didn't quite remember the person who's been cleaning his room for the last several years (who was sweet enough to come see him when he was in the hospital). Dad's also lost weight (11 pounds), which isn't good, and he's not as strong walking as he has been just a few days ago. Something is still wrong with his back. Nothing is broken but there's still too much pain for there to be nothing wrong. He did ask my sister in law if "this place can take care of my needs" so there is some self-recognition that he is going to need help. A good chance he'll be moved either to Assisted Living or Nursing Home in the morning. I know my brother is bothered by this, as am I; but it's the best thing for him. I need to try to call my brother back and get more info. He had to hang up when we were talking this afternoon because dad needed something. I hope to see SP tonight, but it probably won't be until tomorrow. I know I'm a mental mess at the moment. I need him but, at the same time, am afraid of letting him see me in this mental state.
  20. SP and I have had several conversations, and a couple have circled back to becoming partners but maintaining our individuality. Just ran across this quote from Kahil Gibran from The Prophet [if you've never read this, do so]:
  21. Love when you see the smile from someone feeling the same. or the warmth in your chest from the mention of a name. Love your first thought in the beginning of a day, and the last thing you feel when you're hitting the hay. Love when every moment you're waiting you seem to ache, so afraid that from this dream you'll wake. Love the feeling so strong time seize to exist Yet even those moments blow away like mist. Love filling you up 'till you feel so strong, yet so small that you feel you'll do everything wrong Love when the smallest thing can send you into a rut, yet the same thing will pull you back up. Love when you warm up by the mention of a name knowing by their smile that they feel the same.
  22. I'm not really a writer - things pop into my heat now and then and demand to be written down, but not good otherwise; and at the moment there's too many competing emotions to make any coherent statement. So I'm going to do what I've done before, and use a selection of song lyrics to express my feelings on this -- both my birthday, today, and the 1-yr anniversary of the loss of my boy at the end of the week. Kind of traces my emotions from the beginning or our relationship, and the hesitancy he had for so long because he'd been hurt so bad, to grief, to (not quite yet) healing: 1 -------------------- Please let me try to I can heal the pain That you're feeling inside Whenever you want me You know that I will be Waiting for the day That you say you'll be mine He must have really hurt you To make you say the things that you do He must have really hurt you To make those pretty eyes look so blue Now you can't see my love is good And that I'm not him 2 -------------------- There's a big old hole in the middle of you 'Cause somebody left you black and blue Yeah we all make promises we can't keep And they're paper thin but cut so deep One day we're together then we're apart Why won't you let me fill up your empty heart 3 -------------------- I never cried the way I cried over you As I put down the telephone and the world it carried on As I watch the sun go down, watching the world fade away All the memories of you come rushing back to me All I want to do is kiss you once goodbye, goodbye 4 ------------------- I don't want to swim the ocean, I don't want to fight the tide, I don't want to swim forever, When it's cold I'd like to die. 5 -------------------- 'Cause I'm gonna be free and I'm gonna be fine (Maybe not tonight) 6. -------------------- When you feel you've had enough From this world that's giving up on you On you... Sometimes we can relax walking through the fire And when it all turns to dust We'll watch the ashes light up and we'll rise We'll rise And we'll be fine (And we'll be, And we'll be) (And we'll be, And we'll be) ================================== Not quite to the point of "being fine", but I know I'll get there - if only because my boy would want me to. 1) Heal the Pain, George Michael; 2) Empty Heart, Grace Potter; 3) For a Friend, The The Communards / Jimmy Somerville; 4) When It's Cold I'd Like to Die, Moby, 5) Delilah, Florence+The Machine, 6) We'll be Fine, Rebecca Ferguson
  23. Took today and Monday off. I'm not making it to Joplin for the Tri-State Gem & Mineral event because of unexpected car repairs but I did drive down to the same town C & I were at when we spent an entire afternoon wandering through antique stores. There were a couple of moments where his loss threatened to sneak up on me, but I tried to focus on the fun we had that afternoon -- the brief moments holding hands, the quick pat an the ass when we where out of sight of other customers -- the good memories to keep. I know that the first part of November isn't going to be good. I have a feeling that memories of his passing are going to overwhelm any thoughts of my 50th birthday; but I know he doesn't want me to be hurting.
  24. For topics and themes in Changes (I'm honored to create the first story discussion forum for Promising Author, Mikiesboy )
  25. Woke up early this morning (too early for a Saturday [ah - just remembered re-reading this that I need to reset my alarm!]) and drove up to attend my Aunt's Memorial service. Took mom so she wouldn't have to ride with my brother -- that and I have a handicap sticker. The slideshow / video her oldest boy made with a bit of help from my brother was nice. Could have done without the ministers congregational recruitment blah blah that I found a bit out of place and inappropriate for the situation. Was a short but lovely service. Mom managed to get through it ok. Had a little dinner afterwards, provided by the "ladies of the church" in an attached building. Had a few short chats with those cousin's I knew I wouldn't want to strangle, then took mom home, swung by to see dad on my way out of town and wish him a Happy Father's Day, then came home. Heavy rains coming in over night with possibly damaging winds (70-80mph), possibly tennis ball sized hail, and -- because everything is still saturated and full -- another chance of flooding.
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