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  1. My brother Dale, is dying. Cancer has robbed him of the rest of his life. He was diagnosed with prostate cancer a year ago. Received treatment. One morning he had a stroke. Killed the left side of his body. Diagnosis: metastatic brain cancer. Too deep. Finality. Today, Wednesday 29 January, he is in bed, at home. Can't do anything for himself. On morphine. In and out of sleep. Pre-coma. Eyes roll into his head. Doesn't recognise his family. Skin jaundiced. Face swollen. Body thin as a rake. It's simply awful. This is for you. We were never that close. You once said that I should stay away from your children because homosexuality is a disease. You didn't want your children to turn gay. I was hurt. But not as hurt as you, because you didn't expect your brother to be gay. Your children grew up without me in their lives. I missed that so much. You punched me the night I came out to mom and dad. Over and over again. All over. You screamed how filthy I was in your eyes. Deranged. Diseased. Evil. I cried even while you and Dad hit me one after the other. I forgot about it as the years went by. Forgiveness you will find in heaven. We became friends. Eventually. I took you to a gay bar once. My friends crowded around you. You were so handsome then. Your ego inflated by all the attention. You found them fascinating. But that was the only time we went out together to party. I wish we had spent more time together bro. You did well. Although I am still shocked that with all your money, you never once helped me look after Mom before she died. I remember phoning you, asking you for a measly two hundred, and you said no. Just like that. NO. It wasn't for me. I never asked you for anything. It was for our mother. You bought a fancy speed boat, owned fancy cars, and even claimed early pension. I remember how disgusted your family was when you walked out of their lives and divorced them and your wife for a younger woman. Don't get me wrong, I love your new wife. She's had very little sleep in the last year whilst looking after you. Changing your clothes. Making your bed.Taking you to the toilet. I remember how you swore our Mom when she discovered you were having an affair with another woman. How we followed you one night and found you sleeping at your mistresses flat. How you sped through the streets trying to get away from us. And your first wife forgave you for the sake of your young children. Three years ago, you started inviting me to spend time with you. We went skiing, had fun on your boat on the lake, began to forge a bond. But you never once apologised. Now, seeing you like this, I weep for you. You were the best brother I never had. And I love you. I hope that your pain will end today. That you will fall into coma. I'm not selfish by saying this. Your quality of life is ended. Time to go home.
  2. You can move mountains, they say If only you ask with love I found it true when my Softest touch moved your reluctance away And I saw the sun rise Though before I was blind And its warmth pierced my heart In million rays, in million ways I felt it burn, I cried out “Gloria in excelsis Deo” Every kiss tells a story Ours was the beginning ©asamvav111
  3. Last week I proposed a prompt for Remembrance day, and I will say that I wasn't disappointed. Ron took the prompt and made it his own and made it into something fantastic. Look below to see a glimpse of his response. Now without further ado, this week’s prompt. Prompt du jour #3 – Creative Tag: first line “I know you love me no matter what, but …” Want to read more? Check out Ron's response Sandbox.
  4. You meet someone and you're awestruck by them. Here's how I think it can go- the first is that you meet the person, and you think they "hang the moon", to use one of Adam's phrases. You're blinded to their faults in that initial rush of attraction, but as you get to know them, you realize that something's off, and they're not as perfect for you as you thought they were. It could turn out they're downright horrible people with an initial charm (aka Neal in ISWB), or it could just turn out they are just not-so-good guys who's faults outweigh their positives, and thus aren't good for you, aka Kevin for John in Frat Memoirs. The second way it can go is that you meet the person, you like them alot, and you get on really good with each other. The initial attraction works well- and you find many good qualities about the person that keeps you into it. But then that spark fades- and you realize you've made a really good friend, but not a lover, aka Bryan in It Started with Brian. Then the third one- everything aligns right...you click with that person on a deep level, and you're aware of their faults but love them anyway- and you feel a passion for them...then that is the sort of real, deep love that can happen from an intitial infatuated attraction, aka Alex and Zach. There's this tv sitcom, How I Met Your Mother, that details the courting game that we all go through during our 20's(although now Ted's in his early 30's). There was this great episode where the protagonist realizes that he dated this one girl on a blind date seven years ago, and they spend the night recreating their past date to figure out why they didn't work out. They have a lot of fun, and think, "Wow, we should've just gotten together then...would have saved us all this dating." But then they realize that while they like each other a lot- it just wouldn't have worked...because she's a cat lover who loves to talk about her cats, and he's a resturant snob who loves to make fun of the menus. And it's those flaws they each admit to possessing- it's those flaws that they want their future partner in life not to just tolerate, but to actually...like. And find endearing. That's something I want for myself. I want a guy who will actually like the random and crazy stuff that I always say- not just roll his eyes and go, "Oh, god, Jeremy's talking about the Eighties again!", but go, "Aww, Jeremy and his crazy fetish for the 80's. How cute." I want a guy who will like me the way I am, and not expect me to change or be "better" for him. To me, and what seemed to be the point of this episode- is that so many people in an effort to "hook" someone censor the less-desirable and somewhat annoying quirks they have wind up in relationships that are wrong for them, because their partner doesn't really know all of them because they hide part of themselves to look more attractive. To be able to love someone- ALL of that someone, flaws and all- is an element of real love, and what separates it from initial infatuation. Because when you're infatuated, as Jack is saying, you're sorta blind to the flaws the other person possesses. But that infatuation can give way and grow into love when you get to know the person, get to know their qualities as well as their flaws...and basically be able to go, "So what? You're still my guy." But that will never happen if you just sit around and pine for the guy from afar, and have him on this pedestal. I've had a lot of crushes in my life, and unfortunately, none of them have turned into a boyfriend for me. I remain hopeful, though. And I've made some good friends along the way as well. I feel like as I keep sight of what I want and need in a relationship...then...when it does happen, I'll be ready and won't screw it up.
  5. This was a really interesting year. Last year, just right before Christmas, I told my sister that she might not have a sister-in-law but a brother-in law... After Christmas I told my Mum as well. Since then the number of people I came out to expanded to nice round 10. These people form sort of my "inner circle", some gyrate closer to me, some further, but they are nevertheless my close friends. How was a year out? I tried to come with one adjective - the most appropriate would be "eye-opening". I slightly touched the local gay "pop-culture", the "meat market", I even spent a night in a hotel owned by gays and I saw their darkroom . I found out that there are many gays in the city, and I got to realize that they are all the same as "straight" people. Maybe more vain. But I can't be so negative. Everyone knows that I met here the love of my life, my SUPERLATIVE boyfriend about whom I tend to brag endlessly, so I have to control myself. Moreover, he's coming over tomorrow and he will be mine for almost two weeks! That's almost an eternity in a long-distance relationship. Apart of my personal life, I also found my first real job, considered quitting my Ph.D. and then reconsidered, met new people and expanded my horizons towards economy and accounting and I already have plans for future development... shortly it was not only one year out, but also one year in the middle of work, school, travel and LOVE I wish all of you who read this blog MERRY CHRISTMAS and a happy, successful, loving and placid new year 2011. Hopefully the new decade will bring us more happiness than the last one.
  6. President Bartlet: Good. I like your show. I like how you call homosexuality an abomination. Dr. Jenna Jacobs: I don’t say homosexuality is an abomination, Mr. President. The Bible does. President Bartlet: Yes, it does. Leviticus. Dr. Jenna Jacobs: 18:22. President Bartlet: Chapter and verse. I wanted to ask you a couple of questions while I had you here. I’m interested in selling my youngest daughter into slavery as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. She’s a Georgetown sophomore, speaks fluent Italian, always cleared the table when it was her turn. What would a good price for her be? While thinking about that, can I ask another? My Chief of Staff Leo McGarry insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly says he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or is it okay to call the police? Here’s one that’s really important ’cause we’ve got a lot of sports fans in this town: Touching the skin of a dead pig makes one unclean. Leviticus 11:7. If they promise to wear gloves, can the Washington Redskins still play football? Can Notre Dame? Can West Point? Does the whole town really have to be together to stone my brother John for planting different crops side by side? Can I burn my mother in a small family gathering for wearing garments made from two different threads? What Bartlet says in this TV show, is indeed chapter and verse. Further, the point he is making is a very valid point. A point I too hold. For whatever reason, that was the law, but then the law was fulfilled. I once prayed for God to let me know if being gay, active or inactive, was a sin. A three word verse came to me as my answer. God is love. Peace Billy
  7. Love, we all believe in it and hope one day to find it. While growing up we will learn many different types of love, from your family, the love of a friend and of course the love someone special gives you. In stories we are told that one day you will find the one and all will begin to fall into place, as if there really is just one person that will come sweep you off your feet? This often leading you to believe that out there only one person will ever love you fully. So why is it when we are single you see yourself differently? Why must we be down on ourselves because we have not found love? Throughout life many people will come and go, while at times we may think what we have found is true love. So really how do you know you’re in love? In my opinion there can be levels of love you feel for another, each one for a different reason. I had a friend once tell me they felt each man she had loved helped to prepare her for the one she ended up with. This made me think back too the different men that I had felt there had been some kind of love with. Before I wrote about someone called X, although that was somewhat more of a friendship there was still some else more. I’m not sure I would say I was in love, but there was love between us. We went through a lot together so what it grew to steamed from a kind of love. It made me think of the time of life and the events we were both facing. There had been a lot of ups and downs for us both so when we were there to pick up the pieces it created a love. With your friends you do love them and then if sex is involved it changes the entire game. Now why is it when it comes to love we see it as a game, the game of love? I often wondered was that because we seldom won and when you lost it was a gamble? With X it always felt as if it were a game, usually he held all the cards and never allowed me to roll the dice. So in all honestly this could only be considered as a love of a very close friend, one you had sex with. Even if you both did have feeling for each other and felt a strong connection you may not be in love, but who’s to say with X any ways. The way we depended on each other or how often we had sex made you believe it was more than just a friendship. I knew I did love him and from his actions I knew he loved me as well, but that love wasn’t strong enough to hold us together. When it comes to dating bi-curious men most times it’s just for the fun, yet there are times your feelings truly do get involved. Each man is different some just look for the thrill of the experience, but there are a few that also are looking for a little more. There was this guy I dated we will just call SI, he was a very sweet man, but also on the down low. For him though it was more of the fact he was still figuring himself out, along with trying to see if he preferred men over women, since he was bisexual. When we first met no one knew about him yet, he was still unsure himself, although from the first day we hung out we both felt this connection to each other we had never felt before. There was something different about SI not only was he a little more open about his sexuality, he was also more open about me. We began to hang out quite often and let me tell you the man knew how to take you out. Every date was more exciting than the last and each time he grew more comfortable with the possibility of settling with a man. SI wasn’t afraid to meet my friends, plus when we were out he made sure people knew we were together. When you finally found a man that was excited to show the world you were together you did all you could to keep him happy. Together SI and I made sure we both were happy, it was as if we had found the one, the one you thought may never come. Each time we went out the connection between us grew stronger and the sex was probably some of the best I’d ever had. This was turning into a real relationship and I was nothing but excited for the outcome. Of course life never allows you to be truly happy because soon SI had some family stuff to take care of and he left New York for a while. We wanted to wait for each other only he felt that was unfair to me so we took a break. The promise was once he returned we would pick up right where we left off, let’s hope right? Dating men in general can be very confusing most men find it hard to express the smallest of emotion. There had been this guy that I call Man, Man was the type of guy that showed you all of the romance and made sure to share his feeling with you. When we first started dating I felt everything was going in the right direction, not only did he make sure to plan nice dates, he also did all he could to make you know he was interested in you. He said the right words and had a way of making you feel as the most important person in the world. The thing that was different about Man was that he began to use the word love very early on, in fact he made sure we both did, for a bi-curious man that was a first. It was nice finding someone that wanted this as much as I did and as the months past he only made sure to make me fall for him more. So was this really love, or were we just in love with the idea of it? Either way he was the first and only man that I had ever met who rushed a relationship to the level we ended up on. I always assumed he was just a romantic or even someone that just really wanted a relationship then you wonder if it could have been love at sight? The love with Man was a forced love, one he craved for his own satisfaction and in the end he did make me fall for him. This love was not the same has I had felt for SI, shit even X. Every person will bring a certain love to you, some may be for good reasons while others may be to help you grow. In a way I guess to teach us what true love really is. The way I see it each guy you date and fall for may not be the one, or even anything more than a friend, but there is love there. We are human we want affection and in all honesty we can’t control who gets into our hearts or who we may care for. Something we all forget to do when thinking back at the lost loves of our lives is think what was it that they actually provided for you? The first thing we think about is why they left and could I have done anything different? Next is always how are they now and what are they doing? The third thing always is the I miss them and thinking what the future could have been like with them. We all do it and trust me I know I have many times, its like we need to have some sort of fantasy in our minds that we need to hold on too a little longer. I often felt we do this to ourselves only because of the fact that they got away from us. Friends always used to say your heart will always want what it can’t have, so does that mean our hearts don’t understand love? Love can be a strange thing one that is hard to let go even when there is nothing left between you and the other person. Whether you are dating a bi-curious man or not you can’t be too sure as to what you are really feeling. Take this other bi-curious man I was seeing for a while it was this guy I’ll call FL for first love. Now this story I have yet to tell and chances are I may never, but one thing I will talk about is the love we had for each other. This was one of those secret relationships you have in high school, you know the kind where you feel you need to hide your true feelings since someone was still in the closet. I was out back then already and sadly to this day I’m sure he still hasn’t told anyone. We had a thing that started when we were both young, you know that curious time where you had to be sure as to what you really wanted. Now as we both grew up the feelings we had grew as well, making it harder to say goodbye to each other when we both had to go our separate ways. The first love is always one that really makes you think back and remember the happiness it brought you. So dating bi-curious men can always be fun but the times that love gets involved it doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s a bad thing. Look at the men I spoke about each one gave me a certain type of love and helped me grow to be where I am now. X showed me that love between two good friends could lead to more which sometimes can be the one thing you needed. People say a good relationship can come from a good friendship. Even though X and I didn’t last long it helped me to accept the fact that friends can fall in love. Then look at SI the one man that showed me love from a DL man can still be about romance. The love we had helped us both to only seek something that would truly satisfy you, in fact his love made me realize I was worth it. SI only wanted to keep me happy and make sure I needed for nothing. The love we had was something true, a love you often don’t find, but it gave me hope and sometimes that is all you have. Man was the love that was on the border of lust. The kind that was more of a sexual love that made you appreciate a man that wanted to please you and make you feel beyond good. Although this love wasn’t anything to really think about or long for it still showed you a man can love you and give you the kind of sex you only hear about. With Man I will always look back at the little love and the amazing sex we had together. So it in a way it was the love of sex and passion we had for each other. FL’s love is the one that will always leave you searching and looking for another love. In all reality this is the love that makes you crave something so much more. If you really think about it the first love is always the one that leaves you wanting more while being happy you were able to love at all. Most first loves will never last but it leaves you happy that someone gave you that love you were unsure you would ever find. Love can be a funny thing and at times we find ourselves doing any and everything to keep it. So what happens when you think you have found the one, but you may not be the one for them???
  8. Been an emotional week around here. tim is going through something, and I can only watch and wait. But words run through my head after he comes to me, needing me. Last night he asked me to just hold him, as he tried to sleep. I did and he did. But I know him very well. Know his heart and the kind of human being he is. It's why I love him. And why I wrote this: You tell me you need my arms about you tight I know there's something, and I whisper tell me the name of who is in your heart this moment, Your head bows, there's damp on your cheeks But it isn't my name there, or on your lips And I hold you, strong against me, and smile As you say: you know I love you, don't you? I know and we are bound together in many ways Yet, I know the man in my arms, and his heart aware I am not alone in it. There are others you love, desire and care for But I am wise enough to know, forbidding this Or trying to cage you, would drive me from the Very heart I love with all of my own To keep you, I must free the butterfly So if sharing who you are and your heart Means I can love you, then share you I will I am not sad, or afraid, because you're here We always will be, until one of us must go I hope I am left, for I'd not want you to suffer alone. I know one day, you'll be gone from my arms But I don't want to know that emptiness yet. Don’t want to think of not kissing this soft skin I am your caretaker, your man and you're my boy And if eternal love exists, then that is mine, for you.
  9. It's been difficult lately for tim, and frustrating for me. Depression is such a hard thing to live with, both for the one that suffers through it and the people around them. Try as he might, and I am not surprised by it, tim tries to push away the bad things he feels. It is a constant fight for him. People say he's a man, he should put the past behind him. Move on, fuhgeddaboudit! he does, a lot, but with his dad's passing, well, I wish the brain had real door that can be locked. It doesn't and it's the same for all of us I think. If your past wants to catch up with you, you rarely can out run it. Yesterday it caught up with him. Like a runaway train, it caught him, and flattened him. he is okay ... but my frustration brought out some words: Darkened Days I know that he suffers I know his world is grey Nothing that I can do, Will take his pain away I can love him with my body I can kiss away the tears But I will never be man enough To banish forever, his fears I try and show him life is good I try and point out sunny skies But it's life that's done this to him And it's that I cannot disguise He clings to me on darkened days He clings to the light I offer All I can do is hold him tight And whisper: I always be your harbour I love you, boy xo
  10. First of all this is no attack on how you or anyone else chooses to live, that is up to each of us to decide. This blog is simply an answer to a few things I read in an article the other day. It called itself an introduction to the BDSM lifestyle. I found much of it offensive, rather like most looks at our lifestyle are. What did I read? · That submissives feign their subservience. · That Dominant tops only act dominant, because we need to be nurturing and loving. · That subs are in charge. · That Doms never take their subs farther than their spoken limits. What do I think of those four statements? I’ll use a polite term to answer; ridiculous. BDSM is not a game, nor is it about sex, for many there is zero sex involved. It is not something we who live and love this life would pretend! Those four statements angered and frustrated me. I live the BDSM lifestyle 24/7. My sub does also. He is my boy; he is subservient to me in all things. His focus is me; he is obedient to me and the other Doms in his life. He trusts me with his mind, and his body. He doesn’t pretend this. Why would he? My boy is subservient because it is natural for him to be, if I had an inkling of pretense, we would not be together. He needs what a Dominant offers; love, protection, and security and fulfillment of his needs. That is not to say, he offers nothing. He does. I need to be dominant, to control, and in my case, I am also a sadist, so I have a need to hurt, but not abuse. But, and this is a huge thing, I am also loving and nurturing. Our subs are human with needs and desires, they need their Doms to look after them. We are all complex and I can be all things to my boy. I can tell you now, I am in charge. Perhaps at the very start when you first meet, you are careful not to push too hard. Like any relationship you spend time together, learn about each other’s true natures. The submissive needs to learn about the Dom, just as we need to learn about them. However, my boy is also my husband, and decisions are still mine; about our life, about our car, or the budget, when we eat, his piercings, what he wears, etc. I do ask for his thoughts on things and we talk, and laugh a lot. He is happy. I make sure of it. But final decisions rest with me. This myth that subs are in charge is laughable, because true submissives do not want to be in control, they want to give it up. They want someone else to take it away. And if I hear again that my boy’s submission is a gift, I’ll break something. His submission may not be a gift, however he is, all of him. His submission, his obedience, and his belief and trust in me are precious to me. He essentially trusts me with his life, his happiness to some extent, his fulfillment also. He needs the safety I offer and the love. He wants for little. When it comes to our BDSM play or scenes, I do listen to my boy, but usually I know before he can speak where his head is, whether the planned scene is the right thing. And they will often want to please you, so will try and hide the truth and their true feelings. You must watch for this and if you have even the smallest doubt things are not as they should be, you must not go on. This is a time for discovery, for discussion, your own needs and desires must be put to one side. And about limits. People have them. Submissives have them. Doms may also have them. There are things I do not do, will not do; those are limits. My boy has them, and I do respect them, but some of them I want to change, because I want it to. He knows this. And yes, I am playing on his need to please me. So I push. I ask him to give me what I want. I ask him to take more pain, or wait longer, to hold that position. I ask him to trust me. And I am careful because I know, I know, he will not refuse me. I am also careful because there are things he wants, that are not good for him. That could hurt him badly. He likes to be challenged. However he is fragile as well and I must be so careful with his state of mind. Again, these are times for discussion, frank and honest talk, to discover and learn. Trust, obedience and focus are the big three, with trust being the most important, in my opinion. If there is trust, obedience and focus come more easily. That said, trust can also be the hardest to achieve. How quickly it comes depends on much. What the sub brings in way of baggage, their background, past relationships, physical and mental health, all affect how quickly they will come to trust you. As the Dom, I have to be consistent, I have to be available, in other words, I have to be trustworthy. My sub needs to know he can count on me. But we are human, prone to errors, and I have made them, though I aim not to. And my boy, showed his strengths then, when I needed him to. And so did our small community on GA, when they gathered around him to hold him up, when I could not. In closing, the article that prompted this blog, frustrated me. I love our lifestyle. It is based on trust and honest communication. I do not fake who I am or what I am and neither does my sub. Nor do the other Doms and subs I know. We all offer something; fulfill each other, and the majority of us in long term real BDSM relationships stay that way. To stay safe, happy and fulfilled in our lifestyle, you need to communicate and you need to be honest. We feign nothing. **************
  11. Hi all. It's been awhile since i wrote a blog. I wrote a blog about Christmas last year on Dec. 26th, i was supposed to plan and do and not be stressed this year. How am i doing? Abysmally i think covers it, though i don't feel stressed particularly. This year the tree is up, so are some other bits and pieces scattered around and even a poinsettia, a traditional red one. However, there are zero presents bought. There is no baking because Michael found out during the summer He is diabetic. He's been doing so well with managing it, He doesn't want a houseful of goodies. I'll make the annual batches of fudge because most of it we give away. I can make Him a diabetic friendly cheesecake, egg nog and the English Trifle he loves so well. That'll make Him happy. Presents i think will be done tomorrow. For adults some little thing, gift cards and fudge. This year i just want to have a good time. Also i'm working Christmas Eve day so stuff needs to be done by Saturday the 23rd! I want to be with people i love on the Day, that's all i want. It's my wish that each of you have a wonderful Holiday Season and a Happy New Year. Thanks to all of you who read my work, who supported me. I love you all. tim
  12. Living with mental illness and depression is difficult. Having a partner who suffers, is also challenging, but I will not let him down. I am proud of him and he is worth all my love and effort. I watch the ghosts of your past Swamp and overwhelm you Though I intervene, too often Their pull is greater than my power But always I will be your tether And safety net, I will not let you fall
  13. We talk often together about our lives, about D/s and what it means to all of us here who have chosen this lifestyle. I say choose, but is it a choice? I could never choose to be submissive, just as tim could not be a Dominant. But as we are, we are two halves, and only together are we whole. as always, for my sweet boy, I leave you this; This Dom’s Pledge As days tumble into years you are still with me. A gift, as precious to me as any treasure More, since you come to me on your knees Into my hands you place your heart and mind And body. Trusting I will keep you safe, protecting you always As is my wont and my duty I promise you now, as I promised you then To be all for you, to care and protect you Until I am no more **********************
  14. MichaelS36

    For tim

    For tim You are this beautiful creature that has graced my life A zephyr that blows softly lifting nary a hair I cannot cage you or keep you from those who love you Water that runs unfettered through my fingers You love is like the grains of sand on a long white beach Quicksilver that flows, cannot be molded or shaped Your radiance cannot be closeted or hidden Clouds that skim playfully through the blue above How can I lock up the wind? *********************************************************************
  15. Relationships, what really defies one? When you meet someone you both decide to form a union between the two of you. It is a commitment that no one else will come between, but when two friends of the same sex create this what does it really mean? While growing up we are brain washed to believe it will have to be between a man and a woman, but what if those men secretly like men? You know the down low or bi-curious men. Can they truly have a relationship with another man? Maybe seeing it as a bromance makes it a little easier for them to go through with it. However you chose to look at it, it’s still dating. I had this friend I’ll just call X. X was someone I counted on for a lot, as did he did with me. In the beginning the motions were ones of just a friendship, yet as time went on we learned it could be more. If he needed someone to vent to, I was there. If I needed a shoulder to cry on he would hold me. For the first few years of our friendship we build this bond that most men didn’t have with another man, with me being gay and he straight that was a given. The first night I realized things with X were different was when he had been badly blown off by a girl. That night we drank until he couldn’t drink anymore then we crashed. I held him all night as he held onto me. X was a good guy, an attractive one too, but for some reason he picked the wrong girls. Makes you think right? Every girl he dated seemed to want nothing more than just sex from him. Ironically for a man his heart was always on his shoulder, or maybe he was really looking for something a woman couldn’t give him? Let’s fast forward to three months later. X was trying to be a man all about the girls. You know those types. Strip clubs, random hook ups, and getting girls to cheat on their man with you. I felt as though he was now taking a new path to find a girl, only this night that didn’t work. We ended up going back to his place where the night lead to hours of amazing, mind blowing sex. The kind of sex you’ve only heard about. So X never said he liked men nor did he ever say his sexuality, but I knew, he was bi-curious. The sex between us was way more than just a random thing, it felt as though it was a buildup of a strong connection between us that no one would admit. Although the sex didn’t happen as often as I had wanted, X made sure to treat me better than most men had before. He would take me out for drinks, dinner, sometimes even the movies. The nights we spent in he made sure to listen and still be that man I needed to count on, as I did for him. Our friendship seemed to advance to a new level, sadly that didn’t last long. Like most bi-curious men X would go back to women. Once that happened I was out of the picture and sometimes for a while. Only when the girl was gone X would come crawling back to me, the one person that would always be there. I never minded being that person for X it made me feel more fulfilled. The friendship we had was one that was much needed in life and one you would do anything for. We all have those friends that we call ride or die and X was the one man I learned I could truly count on, well at most times. X never wanted to admit what we had was something real nor could he ever admit to having actual feelings for another man. One time when he was drunk he confessed his love for me and how he felt I was the one. He went on to explain that he never looked at a man the way he saw me. The truth was somehow he had fallen for me and I knew he was scared. Since I had first met X he always had the women, there was never a girl he couldn’t get. When out, I’d see girls throw themselves at him along with his phone always going off. Some girl begging him to take her back or one needing him to satisfy her. We believe women view sex differently than men while being X’s friend I learned some use men more. Sadly for X he was the type of guy that you had to have at least once, okay maybe twice. The thing was I never treated X as some dick that could make me scream. He was always more to me and that I knew he felt. When we would be together he made sure I was always his main one, I was always the one he went to. Only for some reason once a girl showed any kind of interest he threw me out like the trash. The part that killed me the most was he even had the nerve to disappear and ignore me. As if I would expose him or ruin his current fling, but that always ended and he found his way back to me. When that happened the dating and the nights of amazing sex would continue. He always made sure to spoil me and make me feel as if I was the one person he wanted to spend his life with. I was always the first person he called in the morning and the last one he would text before bed. It was funny that a man who considered himself straight treated me better than a man that was openly gay. X really did know how to make his other half someone that was more than just special, I was his everything. We never called each other boyfriends, just best friends. It was funny though when we were together he made it very clear I couldn’t see or have sex with anyone else. In fact he made sure I got everything I needed from a man. We took care of each other sexually, mentally, and honestly financially. We never wanted or needed a thing when together. Everyday we did all we could to keep each other happy. It was better than any relationship either of us had been in, at the time. Even though he could never admit he was bi-curious, or that we were dating, X really was a good boyfriend. Only when it came to women he still couldn’t say no. I felt X wanted us to work out only on his terms. For him he wanted to be able to go off and be with a woman when he needed. Then to have me there waiting for him when he wanted me back. For four years this went on. I dated X and no matter what he thought, he had a boyfriend. Bi-curious men sometime have a different idea of what it is to date or be with another man. Maybe I didn’t know what it was to date a bi-curious man, yet. X and I finally ended it all when he met a girl and they got married. That was it. For at least ten months we no longer spoke until one day he text me. We talked debating if we should try and be friends or work on us. Of course this lead to us hanging out and then he would be nothing but apologetic. X made sure I understood the why behind his hiding and that he would make me happy again. He would build up new promises and make plans for us. This time I knew to stay away but when he told me he loved me and needed me, I had to go back. If I had listened more closely I would have heard that drunk in his voice. X only admitted any feelings to me when he was drunk. So we would meet up for drinks and as the drinking got heavier X would begin to talk about how much he needed me. Then once we got into his truck he started to cry and tell me that he doesn’t know why he keeps pushing me away. Crying that I am the only person that has ever truly been there for him. We’d hung and he’d hold me begging me to forgive him and how he never wants me to leave again. Then we would go back to his place and we would have some of the best sex, I swear his neighbors had to have heard us a few times. Every time we had sex I felt as though we grew closer together and what we had became stronger. The feeling I’d get when he touched me or I felt him deep inside showed me we were more then just friends. But there’s only so much that moment of passion can give you until it’s over. The moment we would finish X did seem a little distant only it was always the next day he started to wonder about us. This time he called me the next day trying to make an excuse as to why he told me all he did. He would always make sure to end the conversation with telling me I was his best friend, yeah I was more than that. After a few days had passed we would be back to normal. He usually only acted a little nervous after anal sex, as if that was going too far. Yet he wouldn’t feel bad to ask for oral sex every time I saw him. That was like most guys though for them to get head was a must, not that I am complaining. X just didn’t seem to understand what was truly between us. Part of me felt he wanted a boyfriend yet was too afraid to give into his feeling for me. It seemed every time we got one step closer to actually being a couple he’d find a girl. Then he was gone and that’s exactly what happened again. X met a girl and he seemed to believe this was the “one”. We spent weeks talking and arguing about the situation. I couldn’t help but feel used, which I had no idea why he felt the same way. We both realized there was no reason to talk about this. Whatever X and I had was truly over. We did have a different relationship honestly one we could never explain. Our story may never have a happy ending, but it ended. We both just stopped talking to each other and went on with our new lives. Bi-curious men sometimes come with a lot of baggage. Very few know how to put it in the back of their minds while others continue to follow their paths. Each man sees a relationship with another man differently and soon we may not be able to tell what we really are. Then there are the men that truly are just curious maybe not ready for the physical side of the relationship. When it comes to dating, every guy is different. I wonder how far they would let their curiosity take them???
  16. Dating, we all think it’s going to be easy. When growing up we are told we would meet “the one” that would sweep us off our feet. Once you’ve met that person you would just know and everything would work out. TV and movies lead us to believe that no matter the obstacle we all would get that happy ending. As if all you really need is love? No one ever stops to consider who it may be you fall for. Every person has a different story, some stories that may remain a secret. In some cases you meet that person when you are young so when it comes to that story you’re the main character. Then most of us meet someone when we are much older this giving us more of a past. But what does a person’s story have to do with you? When it came to dating for me it was always a different type of story. So believe me when I say nothing comes easy. I always seemed to attract the bi-curious or down-low men, in other terms. When it comes to these types of men we often wonder what it is that makes them hide. Is it what their family might say? Or could it just be the fear of how their friends or others might treat them? It takes a strong man to admit his sexuality and live life the way he wants. Yet that doesn’t seem to hold any of them back from fulfilling that gay fantasy. I knew this married couple, let’s just call them Husband and Wife. We had been friends for many years. It was a type of friendship that knew no boundaries. Wife and I had always been very close and as the years went on Husband and I developed a certain connection. For the most part I never questioned it nor did I seek anything more, until one night at a club Husband made a pass at me. Yes, he made the first move and let me say I was more than shocked. That night Husband and I took our friendship to a new level, we had sex. Now I wouldn’t say he cheated on Wife since she was there. Let me say it was a threesome neither of us expected. For the first few weeks things seemed weird with them. We didn’t hang out as often, plus we didn’t speak like we usually would. Finally Husband reached out to me and we all hung out. I learned that nothing had changed between us. In fact we seemed to have grown closer. One day Wife told me of an article she had read about a married couple that had taken in a boyfriend. In that instance he dated them both, since both men were bisexual. For Wife she was looking for something different. She wanted a best friend she could hang out with while he dated her Husband. Apparently she did love her Husband, but loved watching two guys more. Makes you think right? So what did I do? I decided to try this out and see where it could lead. Husband was a good guy, one that always seemed to make me happy. From what I knew he felt the same way about way me. So begins the time I dated a bi-curious man, well also a married man. Of course this was meant to be our little secret. Most people wouldn’t understand that there was real love between he and I. When it comes to love and marriage religion leads us to believe it must be between a man and a woman. Most people would freak out, not take the time to understand that love knows no sex, nor does it judge. So why are we taught that? Why as children must we be told what is right or wrong when it comes to who you love? I was never one to stay within the mold society put me in. Husband and I began a relationship. Most nights it would be me just hanging out with them at their house. A few times he and I would go out you know a bar here, a drive there. Every night would end with just he and I. Although no one knew of what we had. He wanted to keep us a secret. He came from a close family with catholic values. For months I felt as though I was on top of the world. I had found a man that loved me and now had a friend that understood me. The three of us felt we had overcome what the world expected from us. We had a relationship and two people to count on. I know some gay men would kill for this to be their story, while some women longed to have their gay best friend at their side. Only things aren’t always so happy and worth the hiding. So when I say hiding that meant I was never really a part of that couple. For Wife, I was the one having sex with Husband keeping her from having to, plus we did all the friend things together. Husband had that person he could rely on and not to mention get sex whenever he wanted. To me it felt I had been more, but in a threesome it may not always be what you expect. When it came to dating Husband the relationship had its limitations. It began to seem as if I were just a play thing for them, someone to live out a need. When you become that guest star in a relationship that’s what you are, a guest. Although Husband was curious about being with me and he had been willing to date me, at his level. There was still the fact that I held no true place at their side. Dating someone you feel they would be the one person you knew would always be there, but when dating a bi-curious man you would find you are something different. Yes you were one of the best friends and yes you knew more about them than anyone else. Only did that really matter? For me I had nothing but love for him and he would be the one I’d be faithful to. Only at times you wondered where you really fit into the equation. Sometimes if you date a bi-curious man you may not consistently be at his side, as his girlfriend would be, you may just be that “friend” they hung out with. That was another thing you may not get is the boyfriend title. As the months went on the going out with Husband turned into us all just hanging out at their house. The nights of passion turned into a quickie in the garage or a fast blow job in the backyard. The fantasy of dating a bi-curious married man was now being his sexual release. Not to mention the fact Wife preferred to watch us as she masturbated. Ironically now that I was in the picture she no longer wanted to have sex with Husband. It wasn’t what I wanted more what kept them both comfortable and satisfied, which made sense the marriage suffered once the boyfriend was gone. When it came to this certain relationship, I dated a bi-curious married man for a few months. Now I’m not saying that your story would end this way, but mine did. Every person has a story and every story has a different outcome. For Husband, he saw me as just someone that came to help fulfill his curiosity of being with a man, plus to give him consistent sexual relief. In the next story we will see what it’s like when emotions are more involved. Will you be able to call this love? Or would dating a bi-curious man always just be a fantasy???
  17. Some of you are angry /disappointed/ or whatever with me. I can understand why. You read what I’ve written about me and how I feel about tim and you probably laughed and if you are in the know, you have likely said, “Sure you do.” I do love him, very deeply. He has certain expectations of me because of our lifestyle, expectations I have been failing in providing. That leads to his unhappiness, and he is less sure of himself, of me, and us. In the recent past I watched as tim went through a very hurtful situation that affected him deeply. I could do little to protect him. The effect however on tim was serious. There was a serious depressive episode that had him on anti-depressants so strong he began to hear voices. Voices that caused thoughts of suicide. There were daily visits to his psychiatrist, pills and recurring nightmares thought buried. Finally healing after that, tim wanted to explore some fetish behavior he was interested in. His Project, he called it. This project included somethings I’d wanted and pushed for, for some time. I was going to get what I’d desired. However, after the fact I wasn’t so sure, it was what I wanted, nor am I sure I want repeat it. Insecurities I didn’t think I had raised their heads. I’ll need to talk properly to tim about it. On top of this was a diagnosis of Type 2 diabetes for me. tim immediately redesigned our diet, I agreed to all the changes, because I want to be here for tim, my boy. Through all this I became less and less able to be who tim needs and expects me to be. Who I thought I was. This self-doubt shook me badly. I was frustrated one night, treated tim poorly and I am ashamed of my behavior towards this man I love and who I know loves me. My anger and doubt was bad enough, that after going to work the next morning, I spoke to my boss and took two weeks leave. I couldn’t deal with what was happening in my head, or the feelings. I did something I never thought I’d do. I texted tim, went home, packed a bag and told him I’d be back. I knew it would hurt him. I also knew he’d turn to his friends and they gathered around him like a herd of wildebeest and protected their friend. I am grateful to them all. I drove then, north to a place I’d been before, a lovely lodge on the French River, not too far from Noelville. Here I spent days just thinking, being in the natural world, try to figure out what the best course was. I reached out to a couple of people, one basically said get your act together sooner rather than later, and that he was looking after tim, and the other said, I understand the need for space, tim was cared for and okay and that I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. I appreciated the messages. I found what I needed. And that is to understand and accept that I’m not perfect, that I’m capable of jealousy and self-doubt. Those things plus my strengths make me human. Yet I am still the dominant man tim needs me to be. tim if you’ll still have me, I’ll be home tomorrow, boy. I love you. M ****************************************************************************
  18. L gave me the number to the Memorial place that C's sis had used. She'd put down a down-payment on the headstone, but wasn't sure how she was going to pay for the rest of it. It's been such a busy week, I hadn't had time to call them until lunch today. Thay had to call his sis to get her verbal OK before talking to me (which I expected) and I paid off what was left on the headstone; was about what I was expecting. It was something I felt like I had to do for my Boy. I didn't expect the emotions that took a hold of me. Doing this was such a final thing - the period at the end of a painful sentence. And in the afternoon mail was the pamphlet from his funeral, and a DVD with a copy of the recording they took of his funeral. I think it will be awhile before I can watch that. Most days are better. I can look back and think of him and the time we did have together and smile, but.... I know there will always be that "but" -- those moments that sneak up on you from nowhere.
  19. Got an email this evening from a mutual friend of C and his sister. His sis isn't doing that well dealing with the loss; neither am I to be honest. C was a very private person, with everyone it seems, so I spent the last hour trying to decide how much to say and what I shouldn't. I did say that he was a man I loved dearly, that we had been dating off and on the the last several years, and that he was someone I saw a future with. I included the last selfie he sent me (G-rated) and the pic of the flowers I took after I put them on his grave, along with the pic he sent me when we first started dating - a time that seems like it was yesterday, even though it was so many years ago.
  20. I know I’ve said this before; I always wanted a marriage like my parents have. Of course, I knew it wouldn’t be traditional, given the fact I am Gay, but I wanted it all the same. As I hung with friends, played baseball and hockey, went through school, I came to realize I was often assuming a dominant position, and often asked to lead. It was sort of a natural thing. I ended up in school taking criminology and socio-legal studies, and received my degree. I went on to become a police officer and eventually a detective. While I was still a uniformed officer, I accepted who I was: a Dominant Sadist. I read and spoke to people and dipped my toes into the world of BDSM, and D/s. I met John, a friend and mentor who was also a cop at the time. I learned more and dated. Submissive men were attracted and attractive to me. Yet it was an unsettled life. The boys came and went. I still wanted to find, him—the one. I’ve written about that before, meeting tim. We have been together now for ten years, married for nine of them. We have had ups and downs. We have made mistakes, yet we remain together. Recently, when our anniversary was upon us, we talked about why and what our relationship is, and means. We both feel we are as strong as we are because of our chosen lifestyle: D/s. It is a journey. The relationship between us a living thing. Love needs tending. It needs thought and touch. It needs the everyday small things. There are few arguments in our house, because we both accept our roles within our relationship. When you accept that, there is little to fight about. In our case our life needs discipline, strictness, pain, honesty and above all else, it needs trust. tim’s trust and belief in me is at its strongest now, I think. It is a fine line, this place of Dom/boy/husbands. Yet, it can work. You both must want it and you must both be headed in the same direction. Our destination is the horizon. After ten years you’d think things and feelings would wane. Last night tim, was tired. I put him to bed with his natural calm and some reading. He fell asleep and when I returned, I settled him down. I lay with him, holding him to me. He pushed back and moved in my arms, telling me of his desire. Wiggling … still after all these years. Those feelings still strong between us. I whispered, “you need to sleep, boy.” There was a small sigh … Doms hate sighs! But I couldn’t help but smile as he snuggled back and replied, “Yes, Sir.” All is right in my world. I hope it is in yours. I wish you all a wonderful Christmas/Holiday Season and a joyous New Year.
  21. Have a friend who will take me to the cemetery where C is burred tomorrow. Taking the spray of flowers to lay on his grave, along with a not-too-personal note. If I'd had more time, I would have had them get roses that were a bit more lavender than pink, and bit whiter than cream --- but considering this was essentially a rush, as I want to see him to say goodbye before Christmas, this will do. I still think it's lovely. Lots to say to him tomorrow. I hope that somewhere, he can hear me. I miss you baby; your Daddy will always miss his Boy.
  22. This is copied from a status update. Wasn't thinking clearly when I posted it, so put it there instead of here in the blog: My heart is broken this weekend. The man I had been dating off and on who lives about an hour away died last month -- and I just found out about it this Friday night; almost a month later. He works in retail and this is always a crazy time so not hearing from him for a bit wasn't unusual, but that bit got longer... then longer. When I sent him another txt on Friday evening it wouldn't go through, and something in the back of my mind said, "search online." That's when I found his obit. The day after we last talked he was the store getting groceries and collapsed. He died the next day of an aneurysm brought on by high blood pressure, which I know he had been treating. Funeral was just before Thanksgiving, and I missed it completely. wasn't even able to say goodbye. The biggest drawback of not being on any social media sites like Facebook. He was a private person, and I doubt he told his sister much about us; and without an online footprint how could she have found me? and if he didn't tell her, how would she have known to even look? He was my baby, my reason for being optimistic about the future; about our future together. We'd been taking things slow because he'd been burned so badly by his last relationship. We'd planned to get together after the holiday insanity passed; our first private time together -- all our other dates had been out in public, and we were limited to brief kisses and discretely holding hands (the joy of small town living in the South). I was finally going to tell him, "I love you" instead of just hinting around the edges. Now I'll never be able to do that. My only consolation is knowing that our last conversation we told each other that we made each other happy; something not easy for two people both fighting depression. I'm going to miss you my baby -- I already do, so so very much. "Daddy" is going to miss never being able to show his boy how much he meant to me. Never going to be able to hold you in my arms again, never taste your sweet lips on mine, never hold you close and snuggle up together. I love you C, and I always will. 😢 💔
  23. The Things They Carried is a wonderful book. It is a book about the Vietnam war, especially about a group of American soldiers. I've read a few books about the war, and I've always been fascinated about the treatment of those returning. No ticker tape parades for them. Bad things happened in that police action, I know. This book was written by Tim O'Brien. He himself is written into the story because he was there, yet it is fiction. And I cannot be positive, but I'm sure much of it is true, though it is fiction. It's an intense book of short stories which are masterfully melded together. Tom O'Brien is a talented writer. This book was nominated for the Pulitzer Prize. His style is clear and the language used is simple. Yet, it is emotional, you cannot, not continue, it is just that powerful. It is about men. Soldiers. The ugliness of war and their reaction to it was hard to read. So much so, there were times i had to put the book aside for a day. There are stories, for example, about Tim climbing a tree to pick up the parts of his friend, Curt Lemon that he could retrieve, and dropping them to the ground. Curt had been laughing one minute and then stepped on a mine. Rat Kiley's reaction after Curt's death, when they came across a lone baby water buffalo is difficult to read and imagine. I put the book down for a day at that point. But i think if you're a man you should read this. If you want to understand what men are capable of in good and bad times, you should read this. I think if you want to see beautiful writing you should read this. There is one interesting chapter called Good Form: It's time to be blunt. I'm forty-three years old, true, and I'm a writer now, and a long time ago I walked through Quang Ngai Province as a foot soldier. Almost everything else is invented. But it's not a game. It's a form. Right here, now, as I invent myself, I'm thinking of all I want to tell you about why this book is written as it is. For instance, I want to tell you this: twenty years ago I watched a man die on a trail near the village of My Khe. I did not kill him. But I was present, you see, and my presence was guilt enough. I remember his face, which was not a pretty face, because his jaw was in this throat, and I remember feeling the burden of responsibility and grief. I blamed myself. And rightly so, because I was present. But listen. Even that story is made up. I want you to feel what I felt. I want you to know why story-truth is truer sometimes than happening-truth. Here is the happening-truth. I was once a soldier. There were many bodies, real bodies with real faces, but I was young then and I was afraid to look. And now, twenty years later, I'm left with faceless responsibility and faceless grief. Here is story-truth. He was a slim, dead, almost dainty young man of about twenty. He lay in the center of a red clay trail near the village of My Khe. His jaw was in his throat. His one eye was shut, the other eye was a star-shaped hole. I killed him What stories can do, I guess is make things present. I can look at things i never looked at. I can attach faces to grief and love and pity and God. I can be brave. I can make myself feel again. "Daddy, tell the truth." Kathleen can say, "did you ever kill anybody?" And I can say, honestly, "Of course not." Or I can say, honestly, "Yes." I wrote the above chapter out because to me it is very telling, and i understand it. It is back and forth, yin and yang, it is much like war and Vietnam itself. The Things They Carried is a beautiful book. It is a book about human grace, horror, humanity, love, guilt and sorrow. I dare you to read it.
  24. Drove up to see my Aunt this morning before she passes. Mom and I went over once I got into town. There was enough of an awareness that when mom said we were there, her breathing rate changed. Almost like she was struggling to the surface. I told her to relax -- that she didn't need to respond to us, and sat holding her hand. Told her I loved her. Weren't there too long, but by the time we left her breathing had settled back into a calm and regular (if shallow) pace. Her blood pressure (top number) was in the 50's when I left to come home. They expect she'll go this weekend. My youngest Aunt is, again, holding everything together for everyone else. Just once I'd like for her to be able to be the one to fall apart -- let someone else "hold it together" to help everyone else cope.
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