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Found 95 results

  1. WARNING ***Discussion of race, religion, bigotry lies ahead. It's what I feel and think. If you don't like what I feel and think feel free to ignore this blog. If your mind is closed, do not read this blog. If you are afraid of your own truth, do not read this blog. If you are looking for honesty and acceptance, I hope you choose to read on. *** I've been thinking about what is going on in our world besides COVID-19. I wish it wasn't what has been happening. I've been debating saying anything about how I feel but an online posting by a woman, who is an educator just made me decide. I wish I knew her name but it's not on what I listened to. However, there is a lot online about this topic. About the scientific fact there is only a single race of people on the planet Earth. Like other groups of animals we come in various colours, shapes and styles. Cats, for example, come in a rainbow of colours, some with folded ears, some with extra toes, some with no tails or fur... do we shun tailless cats? Think of them as less of a cat because of this fact? No. Do we think they are dogs because they have no tail, or some other lesser species? NO! The same goes for skin colour. Skin pigmentation does not signal a different race, nor does your religion. As the lady says, believing that is stupid and wrong. The invention that Black people and others are a different race is, like religion, a human invention. It was made up because it was easier to believe that, so oppressors and slavers could defend what they were doing. We still do it. We decide based on skin colour, who a person is, what they are. Religion was made up also as a form of control. So a few could control many with the fear of the Almighty. Believe me, Jesus Christ, who I do believe existed, was not a white man. He did not have blue eyes and blond hair. But how can such wisdom come from someone not white? Because it came from a fellow human being with the same depth of being, of caring that exists in many of us today. We come in all colours. Yesterday, I listened to weeping Black women, who were being robbed in their own stores by other Black people, at gun point. They were saying, Black lives don't even matter to ourselves. It's heartbreaking. There are lots of instances of white people doing the same to fellow white people. Racism is alive and well, same-colour on same-colour violence and hatred is alive and well. We need to stop. We need to use our intelligence and see there are good and bad people in all colours and genders. Colour is not a marker, it does not define if we will be good, bad, intelligent, racist, quiet, loud, violent, gentle, loving or hating. There is no racism gene. How we behave and what we believe is learned. And we can unlearn it. Do not be afraid to look at yourself as I look at myself. Reach out to all your brothers and sisters and fellow humans, no matter what they call themselves, who they love or what they believe. As a very out Gay man I have fought for my right to BE. Black Gay friends have had it doubly hard. That is wrong...WRONG! IT NEEDS TO STOP. STOP THE HATRED, STOP BEING AFRAID. Love your fellow man. Yes, there be monsters but they are not defined by colour. Michael S. 6/6/2020
  2. So... the mega-million question everyone some time in their life would ask themselves. Please be honest about your own selection. That is, how you truly believe and practice in your own life, not what is considered socially acceptable (which could go either way, by the way), or what you believe to be the ideal. If you have a background story that affects how you define your own sexuality, feel free to share at your own comfort level. This is by no mean a scientific study, but a survey out of curiosity. It is not to be used to define what sexuality is in an objective measure. So please keep it civil and academic. And I keep it only two options so it forces people to choose only one. I know to plenty of us love and sex are inseparable. But if you can only choose having just one, which would you be rather having? Currently I am limiting the question to only gay people (gay and lesbian), because I believe it might be more helpful to understand just one focused group rather than include bisexual, pansexual, asexual, straight people into the formula, who might have very different answers due to very different circumstances. If this survey proves to be meaningful (and please keep it civil and academic), then we'll move on to other spectrum of the sexuality. Let's face it, it's pretty complex just within this selected group. I confess Lesbians might have very different rationale than gay people also, but I believe it's good to include lesbians in this mix, due to the commonality that our relationship is strictly committed to just one gender (besides straight couples). I will reveal my own opinion on this subject later, as not to sway the outcome of this survey by setting a tone. So what do you think that made you gay? Sex or Love?
  3. SP and I bought promise / engagement rings today. His is 10mm wide - 6mm black band in the center, with two small silver bands on the outside, spaced slightly off the main ring; mine is a 6mm black band. It was good. We did not go to the cemetery today like I had originally thought I would. The last two years I had very strong "intuition" on what day and time I should be there. This year... nothing. That really upset me yesterday; then felt bad about being upset about it when SP and I are almost at our 6-month anniversary (the 27th -- which is also C's birthday -- which hasn't helped any). I think that lack of "intuition" was C's way of telling me to let him go. Not entirely of course, I'll always love him, but I can't look back and look forward too. Times, like yesterday, I still feel very torn by my emotions towards my Boy and my Darling; my past, and [hopefully] my future.
  4. I like songs about relationships, whether it be about friendships, falling in love or breaking up, that are gender-neutral so that they could apply to any pairing of two people. This isn't to say I can't or don't enjoy songs that use pronouns or clearly talk about females, but I wouldn't send that song to a guy and say this is how I feel about you. I'm curious what songs others like that fall into this category. I'll start us out with a few I can think of off the top of my head: Just a Kiss by Lady A I Won't Give Up by Jason Mraz I'm Yours by Jason Mraz Sweetest Perfection by Depeche Mode What Hurts the Most by Rascal Flatts Somebody to Love by Queen
  5. It's a funny thing, marriage. We go through life together my husband and I. We work, commute, shop, watch TV, cook, eat, shower, make love, laugh, talk and all the other things we do, together each day. Often by rote. Often without a lot of thought. I care for him during those times he is in the troughs of depression. When he's ill. When he's afraid. During the nights when nightmares of the past haunt him. It's my duty as his partner to be there for him. It isn't a chore, it's a privilege to be married to him, and to be there for him. But life is filled with cycles. We go through them and sometimes I just wake up and see him. Who he really is and what he means to me. In those moments I know what love is. And it's so intense it takes my breath away. As I fall in love with him all over again.
  6. And I am … weary that is. There are times I just want peace, selfishly for myself. Fighting tim's depression, mood swings and self-loathing, wears me out, it tires me and breaks my heart. And today when I bent to pick up his ART meds, he no longer wants to take … today I wondered why I continue. That scared me, that question, because never before have I asked it. Valentine's Day is the worst day of the year, for him and so for me. It brings memories to my sweet husband, things, time and people that are lost to him. The lack, leaves holes and dark empty spaces no one and nothing can fill. I beg him to take his meds, remind him today is only one day and it will pass … that tomorrow will be a better day. he takes them, but I can see the disappointment in his eyes as that lie passes my lips. And I wonder for how much longer I can do this? How much longer will he bear what he does before he chooses to stop his meds? And I give myself a shake and go to shower. It's Friday and we have an appointment to keep.
  7. Nervous tonight. SP has to work tomorrow evening at his second job so our Valentine's date is tonight. Shaved my beard down close -- it hasn't been this tight in decades -- because he thought the longer one I had made me look older (probably did). He knows how long I've worn it that way and that this is only something I would be doing for him. Will leave here in about 30 min to go pick him up. Much more nervous than I thought I would be. Made sure to have his card and box of chocolates in the car; his flowers will be delivered to his office tomorrow. No idea where we are going to eat -- he arranged all of the evening plans.
  8. Warning: This is me whining, but trying to get my thoughts in order by writing them out. I left work early today not knowing if I was going to start screaming or crying; or just start doing both. This week has not been a good one. The weather keeps shifting back and forth by large jumps so the joints can't get back in balance before the next front hits. This is keeping my pain level above normal, and that is increasing my depression, and that is increasing my level of irritation. Partly because of this and partly -- I think -- because of the increased feelings for SP, C has been on my mind a lot the last few days. SP knows something is up because he reminded me he was there if I needed to talk. I wasn't going to because I don't want him to think he's competing for my love with a ghost, but I'm finding that to be deceitful; lies of omission. So I've decided I need to talk to him about C being in my dreams and how that relates to our beginnings. I'm pretty sure that SP will understand where these things are coming from. I've already said that my love for C will always be there. That won't fade as my love for SP grows, and he is aware of that. He actually brought up polyamory, and that is what led to that conversation. It's nice to be dating someone who is open to the idea of polyamory and the possibility of finding a third -- for the long term -- once our foundation is set. I Will Love You by Gin Wigmore came on this morning and I thought I was going to break down in my office - "So if you die before I do, I know the heartache will kill me too. So if I ever live again, It will be to find you." My brother sent a txt this afternoon telling me to call him when I had a chance. He never does that so I knew it wasn't good news. They brought dad from Skilled Nursing back to where he's been living for the last 9 years. Both my brother and I thought his memory would be better once he was back in familiar surroundings, but... doesn't look like it's going to be. He really didn't remember the building. He remembered the tractor in front of his door and a few other things but asked if he had lived there before. He didn't quite remember the person who's been cleaning his room for the last several years (who was sweet enough to come see him when he was in the hospital). Dad's also lost weight (11 pounds), which isn't good, and he's not as strong walking as he has been just a few days ago. Something is still wrong with his back. Nothing is broken but there's still too much pain for there to be nothing wrong. He did ask my sister in law if "this place can take care of my needs" so there is some self-recognition that he is going to need help. A good chance he'll be moved either to Assisted Living or Nursing Home in the morning. I know my brother is bothered by this, as am I; but it's the best thing for him. I need to try to call my brother back and get more info. He had to hang up when we were talking this afternoon because dad needed something. I hope to see SP tonight, but it probably won't be until tomorrow. I know I'm a mental mess at the moment. I need him but, at the same time, am afraid of letting him see me in this mental state.
  9. SP and I have had several conversations, and a couple have circled back to becoming partners but maintaining our individuality. Just ran across this quote from Kahil Gibran from The Prophet [if you've never read this, do so]:
  10. MichaelS36

    Worthy

    How do you tell someone who can't see themselves, they are worthy … of love … of life? I see the dark circles under your beautiful brown eyes And I wonder how I can fix it … Fix all the wrongs done to you in your life How can I take that pain from then and now? You do not see your own strength within you Life dealt you a bad hand You lived through pain, and horrors I cannot imagine I can only promise to be with you To hold you up and protect you when I can Don’t hate yourself for the days when you can’t face life when you need time to become yourself once again Be as kind to the man in mirror as you are to others Forget those who find glee in your pain, who taunt They are not worthy of your time or thought Don’t compare yourself to them or others For you are the dawn in my days The bright ember in my heart; the love of my life … … and you are worthy Of me and our everlasting love
  11. I thought I knew what love is. I thought I knew when I met tim. I thought I knew when he agreed to marry me. But walking behind him down the street, watching his such-long legs supporting his perfect ass and his black leather jacket sitting just at his sweetly slim hips, made me feel it deeply. This brilliant, sexy, funny, and deeply compassionate man was mine. Then he turned and he smiled at me. It was such a smile, it lit my soul with the brilliance of a thousand suns. I wondered what I'd done to deserve him in my life. tim is a good boy. At dinner he was so calm, so relaxed and happy, when the waiter offered a drink, he ordered a glass of chardonnay. Like you would. Except in our lifestyle, he should have asked me. he realised and looked to me, eyes wide. But today he'd been so happy, so in the moment, I smiled and waved away the small infraction. he knew … that was enough. And I knew. And I know and I hope in that moment, he knew just what he means to me.
  12. Love when you see the smile from someone feeling the same. or the warmth in your chest from the mention of a name. Love your first thought in the beginning of a day, and the last thing you feel when you're hitting the hay. Love when every moment you're waiting you seem to ache, so afraid that from this dream you'll wake. Love the feeling so strong time seize to exist Yet even those moments blow away like mist. Love filling you up 'till you feel so strong, yet so small that you feel you'll do everything wrong Love when the smallest thing can send you into a rut, yet the same thing will pull you back up. Love when you warm up by the mention of a name knowing by their smile that they feel the same.
  13. I'm not really a writer - things pop into my heat now and then and demand to be written down, but not good otherwise; and at the moment there's too many competing emotions to make any coherent statement. So I'm going to do what I've done before, and use a selection of song lyrics to express my feelings on this -- both my birthday, today, and the 1-yr anniversary of the loss of my boy at the end of the week. Kind of traces my emotions from the beginning or our relationship, and the hesitancy he had for so long because he'd been hurt so bad, to grief, to (not quite yet) healing: 1 -------------------- Please let me try to I can heal the pain That you're feeling inside Whenever you want me You know that I will be Waiting for the day That you say you'll be mine He must have really hurt you To make you say the things that you do He must have really hurt you To make those pretty eyes look so blue Now you can't see my love is good And that I'm not him 2 -------------------- There's a big old hole in the middle of you 'Cause somebody left you black and blue Yeah we all make promises we can't keep And they're paper thin but cut so deep One day we're together then we're apart Why won't you let me fill up your empty heart 3 -------------------- I never cried the way I cried over you As I put down the telephone and the world it carried on As I watch the sun go down, watching the world fade away All the memories of you come rushing back to me All I want to do is kiss you once goodbye, goodbye 4 ------------------- I don't want to swim the ocean, I don't want to fight the tide, I don't want to swim forever, When it's cold I'd like to die. 5 -------------------- 'Cause I'm gonna be free and I'm gonna be fine (Maybe not tonight) 6. -------------------- When you feel you've had enough From this world that's giving up on you On you... Sometimes we can relax walking through the fire And when it all turns to dust We'll watch the ashes light up and we'll rise We'll rise And we'll be fine (And we'll be, And we'll be) (And we'll be, And we'll be) ================================== Not quite to the point of "being fine", but I know I'll get there - if only because my boy would want me to. 1) Heal the Pain, George Michael; 2) Empty Heart, Grace Potter; 3) For a Friend, The The Communards / Jimmy Somerville; 4) When It's Cold I'd Like to Die, Moby, 5) Delilah, Florence+The Machine, 6) We'll be Fine, Rebecca Ferguson
  14. Like the title says not all things in life work. It's a shame, but it's true. My desire for our new boyfriend to become more in our little family didn't come to fruition. He decided it wasn't right for him and moved on. I've talked to him, but we'll leave it here for the moment. All of this was hard on tim. Especially since he'd grown so close to Jim. tim is willing to continue on this adventure - he has a big heart and wants to make me happy - but we will see. I am aware of other things he wants to explore, more related to our lifestyle, perhaps that's the best way to go. Hearts are nothing to be played with.
  15. Took today and Monday off. I'm not making it to Joplin for the Tri-State Gem & Mineral event because of unexpected car repairs but I did drive down to the same town C & I were at when we spent an entire afternoon wandering through antique stores. There were a couple of moments where his loss threatened to sneak up on me, but I tried to focus on the fun we had that afternoon -- the brief moments holding hands, the quick pat an the ass when we where out of sight of other customers -- the good memories to keep. I know that the first part of November isn't going to be good. I have a feeling that memories of his passing are going to overwhelm any thoughts of my 50th birthday; but I know he doesn't want me to be hurting.
  16. For topics and themes in Changes (I'm honored to create the first story discussion forum for Promising Author, Mikiesboy )
  17. I suppose this piece should have a WARNING … if you are closed minded, cannot deal with things outside your own experience or what you think is 'normal', or believe that relationships with more than two people are wrong. DO NOT READ THIS. I have never been conventional. Well, I say that, yet, I wanted to be married. But I also believe you can love more than one. I believe that bringing others into a relationship for friendship and sex is a good thing and that it can work. Until last year, my husband resisted that. he was unsure, worried that I would love the other more, leave him possibly. We eventually did share with another couple we've known for a long time. tim came to realize that I would never leave him. That he is my main dance partner for life. And, if push came to shove … he is truly all I need. Knowing that has freed him. Freed him to not be afraid of both mental and physical relationships with others. That is not to say that we just jump into bed with everyone. We do not, nor do we want to. There has to be a connection, feeling … neither of us want some casual thing. Early this year an ex of mine, who remained a friend, came to me to talk and for some comfort. He'd been ready to ask his boyfriend to marry him. Just before that event, the boyfriend admitted he was tired and had met someone else. Someone he'd been having an affair with for nearly a year. My friend Jim was devastated. He changed his shift to nights only, so he slept in the day, making it easier to avoid life. One day Jim asked if he could spend more time with us. I said sure. I'm not sure how we ended up on the topic but he asked if we might consider more with him. He was missing companionship and sex. He and I had dated for a couple of years and we had parted for various reasons as friends, so I had no problem with that. I still cared for him a lot. And then I nearly messed it up by pushing too hard. It upset my husband, who knew who Jim was, but didn't know him. After some real honest talk, the three of us decided we needed to spend time together to get to know each other, to let things develop. I'm happy to say they have developed. We have this closeness now, a bond. We care deeply and continue to nurture this new relationship. I'm not sure how far it will go or where we may end up. But for now it feels good, and it feels right.
  18. Better late than never might be the motto hanging over the entrance ... Oh well ... As the story continues to progress, maybe there'll be things you'd like to chat about, complain, moan. Whatever. First though, I've an announcement about Tony and Geoff, and the next few months. As a serial which is written as it's being posted, T&G needs discipline as well as enjoyment on my part. Over the past couple of episodes, that discipline has felt more like a constraint, something that holds me back from writing other things. So the next chapter, 17, about the meal, will be the last for a short while. It will finish Part 1 of Soul Music. I love the characters and I have plenty left to do with them, but I need a break. Both to do other things, and to recharge that part of my creative battery. I expect Geoff to be having that conversation with his mother sometime in July, probably as the opening chapter of Part 2. Sorry to keep you hanging on that one, but the meal seemed the only point at which I could call a temporary halt. @Parker Owens as my editor, and the person with the most invested in the story after me, has agreed with my decision. So, there it is. It will allow me to write more for GA - about Eric, amongst others, and another longish entry for the next anthology. In the meantime, there is one more chapter to write (and it may well turn out to be long one ). I hope you've enjoyed it so far and that you'll rejoin me when I announce the start of Part 2 in this thread.
  19. Woke up early this morning (too early for a Saturday [ah - just remembered re-reading this that I need to reset my alarm!]) and drove up to attend my Aunt's Memorial service. Took mom so she wouldn't have to ride with my brother -- that and I have a handicap sticker. The slideshow / video her oldest boy made with a bit of help from my brother was nice. Could have done without the ministers congregational recruitment blah blah that I found a bit out of place and inappropriate for the situation. Was a short but lovely service. Mom managed to get through it ok. Had a little dinner afterwards, provided by the "ladies of the church" in an attached building. Had a few short chats with those cousin's I knew I wouldn't want to strangle, then took mom home, swung by to see dad on my way out of town and wish him a Happy Father's Day, then came home. Heavy rains coming in over night with possibly damaging winds (70-80mph), possibly tennis ball sized hail, and -- because everything is still saturated and full -- another chance of flooding.
  20. ashes of June ... your eye are delighted for me firing my soul draining my mind.... when i see you.... my thoughts get drained.... my tears are gone .... my heart stops . i know i wont be able to be with u any more loving you is the only thing i can do for you ..... ashes of the June my heart is beating for you from deep inside... i collapse .... i ruined.... i my self got a sin of being a boy ... god??? if u exist then answer me why ain't i a person that i want to be?:(( i wish THERE WOULD BE JUST ONE GENDER . I lOVE yOU like now i'm dead man ... ❤️
  21. i count every hour every minute every second to see your face to touch your hand to feel your skin to see your delighted eyes to see your smile:) for just a second... i just want to die after these i want to take my last breath from your smell iwant to take my last look of your face i want to have my last touch of your skin i want to kiss your hand while dying,having your hand in my fist just let me die slowly... concentrated in your eyes.... yes, i want this.
  22. Drove up to see my Aunt this morning before she passes. Mom and I went over once I got into town. There was enough of an awareness that when mom said we were there, her breathing rate changed. Almost like she was struggling to the surface. I told her to relax -- that she didn't need to respond to us, and sat holding her hand. Told her I loved her. Weren't there too long, but by the time we left her breathing had settled back into a calm and regular (if shallow) pace. Her blood pressure (top number) was in the 50's when I left to come home. They expect she'll go this weekend. My youngest Aunt is, again, holding everything together for everyone else. Just once I'd like for her to be able to be the one to fall apart -- let someone else "hold it together" to help everyone else cope.
  23. Finally realized that I'm going to have to finish painting the loft the same way I started: playing songs of love and loss, grieving for my boy, and loosing myself in the painting. It's the only way the loft can get done and -- more importantly -- I think it's one of the things that has to be closed for me to let him go. Though I should have left Rebecca Ferguson's version of "I'll Count the Days" off the playlist. 😭 The other is for his headstone to finally be installed. Sent an email to the friend I'd been talking to. A couple of weeks ago she said it would a week or two before the 3rd one [since they F*d the first two] would be ready; then FOUR to SIX WEEKS before it got installed. I'm still hoping it's there in time for his birthday on Memorial Day. Finished the first coat and stopping for lunch, pain Rx (storms moving in), and a Xanax (because I'm not so stupid as to not realize I need one).
  24. A "thank you" card from C's sister showed up in the mail today, to thank me for paying off the headstone. First time I've heard from her directly -- my other interactions have been with a mutual friend of C and his sis. Was nice to finally hear from her directly, but sad to know that she's still having a really really hard time with his passing. I know there are moments for me where a memory will catch me blindsided and rip my heart to pieces again, but for her it seems like that's still a constant state of being. 💔
  25. There are about a million ways to say those three words “I Love You.” Have you eaten? Sleep well. Drive safely. Grab a coat. These are some of the ways it’s said in my house. There are others, not as obvious, but we all know them when we hear them. And it’s not just that way with lovers and spouses, we do it with friends and family too. How are you? Really? Let me know when you get home. Let me buy you lunch. Because you’re family i’m glad you are in my village. i’m sorry. It’s been rocky for my family the last 3 weeks. i’ve heard, or said, everything i just listed. i can’t begin to tell you how important it is to say those things. They are life changing, life affirming phrases. They can restore faith, hope, and bolster love. i know that there are other ways to show love. We see those around us too. A simple hug, fixing a favorite meal, offering a ride to where you need to be, talking with someone in a PM, or by email. i’ve been on the receiving end of many of those during this rough patch as well. The simple act of reaching out was a show of caring, and it mattered. How do you show love; how do you say “I love you” without saying it? No matter how you do it, don’t forget to show and tell people you love them. no one read or edited this, any mistakes are mine many thanks to @MacGreg Sir, @MichaelS36 Sir, and @Mikiesboy for everything
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