Role stereotypes

[BoyNeedsTherapy]

Ok, so before I get to my main question, here's a little background. Me and my bf went back to my parents place this weekend for a wedding on saturday and just generally to visit family. My dad really likes my bf, and has been very cool about me being gay, so the parts of the weekend involving him were pretty cool and easy going. But my mum's not so keen, she thinks he corrupted her only child, also the fact that I told her when she was in a psych hospital and not in the best mental state may not have helped. Anyway, we've argued frequently about it, and I know that she thinks it's embarrassing or whatever for her to have a gay son.

 

But on to the main point, this weekend we'd planned on coming home on Sunday, as my bf has work on Monday, but I got guilted into staying until today so I was there on my own for almost a whole day, supposedly to spend time with my mother, during which time she managed to start a pretty huge arguement. I mentioned that since I'm not at uni at the moment, and I'm in the process of looking for a job, I've not got much to do, and then I jokingly said that I was practising my 1950's housewife bit to which she remarked that I was worth more. So I asked what she meant and off she went on a big rant about how I was acting like 'nothing but that man's wife doing his cooking and cleaning' and how that's 'if that's all you're going to end up doing then you're just wasting your life waiting on him hand and foot, while he uses you like some kind of maid.' I coud understand maybe if that was how she'd lived her life but she never did, she always worked. Anyway, then she went on to say that 'what was the point of us sending you to school if you're just going to end up as some kind of kept man' and that if 'that's what you want you should go out and find someone doing something more lucrative and worthwhile than *teaching*'

 

I nearly had a fit, for one thing it's not like I'm at uni studying nothing, I am actually here to get an education and a job, I just happen to have a break from it right now, but my main problem is that since when are there still such rigid roles? I mean, yes it's true that I cook and I do the laundry, but that's just because I'm better at those things than my bf is, and I do the grocery shopping because I have time to go during the day when it's not busy, but he does a lot too, he washes up and cleans the bathroom and hoovers and stuff...I guess I'm just wondering if it's naive of me to think that a relationship can work without having to fit into roles, I mean, we're both guys so of course neither of us is the wife...but do people still expect others to fit into the typical molds?

 

I don't really know what I expect people to reply, I guess I just wanted to rant a little bit and share my annoyedness with people. Sorry for that.

 

Ben

[Mark Arbour]

I think you're dealing with a lot of issues here, but the specific one you raise, that of conventional roles, has changed significantly over the past 20 years. We've done extensive studies of the family and roles within it, and today people are much more comfortable defining their own roles rather that relying on society's proscribed model. As I said, we see this in our research, and I see it on campus with both heterosexual and homosexual couples. It's actually pretty enlightening, and it makes the 50's look like the living hell that it must have been (if you weren't a white male). Keep in mind I'm speaking about US culture. What I see is that couples define their roles and responsibilities just like you did: You do what you're good at or what you like to do.

Broader acceptance of these types of changes can be seen in the huge increase in heterosexual couples who are living together without getting married. They have decided to do what works for them as a couple or individually and ignore pressures from society. As more people do this, pressures lessen.

Bottom line: Your Mom is living in the past. She's like a dinosaur watching comets land on earth.

[Kay_Derwydd]

Mark is right; gender roles are becoming a lot less rigid than they were. Yet they still exist, unfortunately, but mostly in the minds of those still stuck in the past. My ex-mother-in-law was like that.

 

It's quite funny really, to see how roles have shifted. In heterosexual couples with children, it's not uncommon now to see the fathers stay at home while the mothers work. In homosexual couples (and transgendered couples), the roles seem to be more relaxed either way. I know this isn't always the case, but it seems to be the norm.

 

Stick to what you both enjoy and are individually good at, and don't let the opinions of others outside of your relationship get to you too much. I learned a long time ago to filter out the unwanted junk. I know it's not easy, especially when one of those people is a parent. My mother knows about me and my partner, but my father would flip; he doesn't know. In fact, I learned a long time ago to avoid any discussion involving politics, religion (I'm pagan), and sexuality with him. It's not worth the headache.

 

Hang in there, hun. As long as you love each other and are happy, then that's all that matters.

 

-Kay

[reapersharvest]

While gender roles have evolved and provide more leeway in this day and age, they remain the same except are no longer gender-specific. Meaning, in a gay relationship, one can be the "domestic goddess" and another the breadwinner. That's not always the case; my parents, for example, both work and then bitch about the housework at a later time, and I'm the only one who can do the laundry correctly. Anyway, your mother knows nothing to insult your career choice (I have the utmost respect for teachers), and you are not lowering yourself by doing what has to be done either way and not making a drama out of it.

[Mark Arbour]

While gender roles have evolved and provide more leeway in this day and age, they remain the same except are no longer gender-specific.  Meaning, in a gay relationship, one can be the "domestic goddess" and another the breadwinner.  That's not always the case; my parents, for example, both work and then bitch about the housework at a later time, and I'm the only one who can do the laundry correctly.  Anyway, your mother knows nothing to insult your career choice (I have the utmost respect for teachers), and you are not lowering yourself by doing what has to be done either way and not making a drama out of it.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

I'm a little confused by your post. Gender roles really haven't remained the same because so often both partners work. In such a situation, whether couples are gay or straight, they tend to allocate household (or domestic goddess) roles between themselves. I see how your statement applies if one partner stays home, but otherwise we haven't found partners to assume complete gender roles.

[BoyNeedsTherapy]

Thanks guys, I guess it's just frustrating that people try and put you into categories you don't belong in...ah well, I should know by now not to take what my mother says to heart.

[Kay_Derwydd]

Thanks guys, I guess it's just frustrating that people try and put you into categories you don't belong in...ah well, I should know by now not to take what my mother says to heart.

 

Exactly, hun. Don't let her get you down; that's the most important thing to remember.

 

And I think it's wonderful that your father is supportive! From what I've personally noticed, it tends to be the other way around...

 

-Kay

[Masked Monkey]

The bottom line is that groceries have to be bought, food has to be prepared, bathrooms and houses have to be cleaned, laundry has to be done, children (if any) have to be taken to taken to appointments and practices, money has to be earned, the trash has to go out etc. None of those facts have changed over the last 50 years, all that is changed is how the jobs are split betwwen partners.

 

I'm better at making dinner, folding laundy, washing dishes and making money, but for the life of me I can't load a dishwasher efficiently or manage to properly sort clothes. In the end everything gets done, nobody gets mad and that's all that really matters. Anything else is just someone trying to control your life because they think they know you better than yourself.

 

Snow Dog the Danderthal

[sumbloke]

<immaturejoke>Sorry, but what is this "cleaning" and "laundry" you speak of?</immaturejoke>

I think my role in my relationship is "surly teenager number two".

[Masked Monkey]

<immaturejoke>Sorry, but what is this "cleaning" and "laundry" you speak of?</immaturejoke>

I think my role in my relationship is "surly teenager number two".

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

It seems you are fitting the role quite sterotypically .

 

Edit: I should add that you best learn the 'laundry stuff' as soon as possible, particularly the 'sorting' part that I couldn't master. Alternatly, you might think it a plus if all of you clothing had a distinct PINK tint to it.

Edited May 24, 2005 by Snow Dog

[BoyNeedsTherapy]

Hahaha, yeah, that's a very good point. I managed to turn all our white bath towels slightly blue after putting them in the drier with jeans...

 

And I think it's wonderful that your father is supportive! From what I've personally noticed, it tends to be the other way around...

Yes, a lot of times it is the other way around, but with my dad I think it's partly that he really doesn't mind, and partly that he knows it drives my mother insane that he 'approves' of me and my bf. But hey, I'll take support regardless of the reason it's offered sometimes.

Edited May 24, 2005 by BoyNeedsTherapy

[Trebs]

The "gender roles" side I think is no one's business but yours and your partners. I personally LIKE doing dishes, and my ex was good at laundry (though both of us hated matching socks). He also loved outdoors and yardwork. As long as you both feel that you are contributing equitably to the total relationship, who cares what each of you do.

 

As to your mom - I agree with others - it's her issues, not yours. I had no real problem with my mom when I told her I was gay. I actually thought I had a REALLY good coming out, and told friends "She just wants me to be happy, and make sure I finish school." I bragged about what a great coming out experience I had.

 

But then again - I wasn't with anyone at the time. I did have one boyfriend who met her and saw her a few times, but I never really introduced him as my boyfriend (though if she had half a clue, she'd have known).

 

So then, eight years later, I introduced her to my ex (well, my partner at that time, of course). She hated him and told me directly she didn't like him. Just like with the first boyfriend, my ex would be with me as I stopped by to see her every once in a while (she lives between Sacramento where I live and San Francisco - so I'd stop by when going to SF).

 

She finally told me that he wasn't welcome in her house and she didn't want me to bring him by. I told her then I wouldn't be seeing her again if that was the case - she tried to tell me that it was ME deciding to keep her out of my life - ya, right...

 

But in retrospect, what REALLY happened was me "being gay" was fine - but me having a partner meant that OTHERS might find out that she had a gay son. As long as there was no way for others to know, she was ok with me being gay. Could be similar to what your mom is going through - not so much about you being gay, but "what would my friends think." And a lot of her criticizing might not have anything to do with the actual issues she brings up - instead they are just designed to try to drive a wedge between you and your bf.

 

Hang in there...

[BoyNeedsTherapy]

But in retrospect, what REALLY happened was me "being gay" was fine - but me having a partner meant that OTHERS might find out that she had a gay son. As long as there was no way for others to know, she was ok with me being gay. Could be similar to what your mom is going through - not so much about you being gay, but "what would my friends think." And a lot of her criticizing might not have anything to do with the actual issues she brings up - instead they are just designed to try to drive a wedge between you and your bf.

 

That sounds a lot like my mother actually, it's actually nice to know that someone else has been in a similar position. I should know by now that she's just trying to cause trouble, because she's done it frequently before (to the point of telling me outright that I shouldn't trust my bf to not sleep around ) And I know that she definitely feels the embarrassment thing, when I introduced my bf to our neighbours as my bf she asked if I *had* to do that since it was *so* embarrassing...imagine what she'll be like when I start calling him my husband (evil laugh). I guess she still gets to me though, she knows the right buttons to push.

Edited May 26, 2005 by BoyNeedsTherapy

[Masked Monkey]

That sounds a lot like my mother actually, it's actually nice to know that someone else has been in a similar position. I should know by now that she's just trying to cause trouble, because she's done it frequently before (to the point of telling me outright that I shouldn't trust my bf to not sleep around ) And I know that she definitely feels the embarrassment thing, when I introduced my bf to our neighbours as my bf she asked if I *had* to do that since it was *so* embarrassing...imagine what she'll be like when I start calling him my husband (evil laugh). I guess she still gets to me though, she knows the right buttons to push.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

It isn't just that she knows what buttons to pust, some of those buttons are cognitively hard wired, from infancy, as a direct connection from her brain to yours with almost no intent necessary. You react to who she is, not what she is doing or saying. If you focus on the words, and not what the words generate within you, it will be easier to make sure she understands that you are simply being honest about who you are and that you are sorry that your honesty (not your person) is an embarassment to her. You show no disrespect (don't purposely push her buttons), acknowledge her discomfort, and accept no criticizm of who you are.

 

Just my 2