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My brain is infuriating sometimes

This morning:   Me:  Okay.  Gonna write.   Brain:  No   Me:  C'mon, I want to finish this.  It's like two or three scenes, let's go.   Brain:  Nope.   Me:  Okay, what about this story?   Brain:  Nope, not feeling it.   Me:  Well, let's work on this story.  Or this one.   Brain:  Nope.  Fuck off.     Me:  *fumes all day long*   An hour before I have to go to bed:   Brain:  Hey, let's write about this new idea!     Me:  

CassieQ

CassieQ

 

It's starting again

It's starting again.   The sobriety.     I talked to my cousin over the weekend about what my Dad has been going through.  And how my Dad is courting sobriety again.  For the record, the longest my Dad has been sober has been two years, and that was when I was a child and my Mom threatened to leave him and take myself and sister with her.  He threw out all the alcohol in the house.     Another time was when I was living in Atlanta, out of college and working at a bookstore.  My Dad went through some of his worst years in Atlanta and one day I noticed he wasn't acting like his usual drunk surly self.  I remember being so concerned about his shift in personality that I told my Mom I was worried he was going to commit suicide. She laughed a little and told me he had quit drinking.  I don't remember how long that one lasted, but it wasn't long.     He quit temporarily when the tests for his heart came back.  Once he saw that his heart issue remained despite not drinking, he started back up again.   Now here we are again.  He always stops when he has a consequence for drinking, but then he inevitably starts back.   I wish I could be more supportive, but I just can't.  I can't.  It hurts too much.  It hurts to see the man that my father could be.  I love my Dad, my real Dad.  He is charming, has a great sense of humor and is fun to talk to and hang around with.  I can see the man my Mom fell in love with.  I can see the man I would like to have in my life.   But he never stays.  Eventually the drink wins and the drunk comes back.  The drunk is mean, stupid, surly and hard to get along with.  I remember looking at the drunk and wondering how on Earth I can be related to him.     My Dad came over this weekend to help me with some stuff around the house, hanging up some blinds, putting up some shelves, etc.  It was...nice.     But I need to keep my distance.  Need to.  Because I can't get close to him only to lose him to the drink again.  I can't stand it.   I can't.       

CassieQ

CassieQ

 

Well, this week has sucked

For those who noticed my status update, my Dad was jailed over the weekend for driving under the influence.  He had gone out of town for a golfing trip and this happened.  I don't know the details and I'm not sure I want to.   Also, my aunt has an aggressive cancer that may be incurable.  We are waiting to hear on that as well.   So, things are not great.     I have decided to write a few stories that cheer me up, and usually make me laugh or smile when I tell them.  Cause damn i really need that right now.  I am going to share them here.     The first one is about my first trip to New Orleans.  I went with my friend, who I am calling R, and we met up with @joann414 and her friend, D.  It was my first vacation after a really rough year, and I wanted to get a full experience, so I naturally rented a room at the most haunted hotel I could find.  I did not share this with R until we were already there. That was a mistake.     R does not like ghosts.  She was not thrilled when I shared the history of the hotel with her, she outright refused to check out Marie Laveau's shop and somewhat reluctantly joined me on a walking tour of some of New Orlean's most haunted places.  I was having a blast.  I loved the walking tour (which was on our last night there).  R did not.  She was freaked out by all the stories we were told (granted, some of them were pretty gruesome).  We get back to our hotel, set our cell phone alarms as usual, and go to sleep.   Well, Cassie went to sleep.  R laid awake for a while, thinking about ghosts.  And quietly freaking out.   Right at midnight, the radio alarm went off.  Which we never set.  Full volume.   R sits up in the bed and starts screaming bloody murder.  Cassie is woken up and confused, as it is dark, the alarm is still going off and R is still screaming.  I finally get the lamp turned on, turn off the alarm.  R is out of bed at this point and is insisting that we leave right away.     It is still the middle of the night.   I am trying to calm her down, telling her that there are no ghosts in the room, when the radio alarm which I am holding in my hand, goes off again.  We end up yanking it from the outlet, and hiding it in the closet for the rest of the night.     I am sure the cleaning staff came in and set it by accident.  But still, when we were getting ready to leave, we filled out the comment card:  "Room is haunted. Otherwise, had a great stay!"   R has not gone back to New Orleans since.   * * *   Another story is from when I first moved to my current hometown and was working at the hospital.  It was the holidays and I had Christmas off, but had to work Christmas Eve.  Every Christmas Eve, without fail, all of the family gets together, usually at my Grandma's house, and we eat, drink, and open gifts (but mostly drink).  I got off work Christmas Eve and went to meet my sister at my parent's house.  Because of reasons, we leave a little bit late, around 6.  It usually takes around an hour and a half to get to Grandma's.  Since we were both moved here fairly recently, my sister was going to use her Garmin GPS to guide us to Grandma's.     Now Grandma lives in a very small, kind of run down town with very spotty cell reception.  Just FYI.  We start off and everything looks good at first.  We are following the directions that the Garmin gives us (well, my sister is driving, I am mostly looking around and delivering witty commentary).  Garmin takes us down this long ass road that looks like something out of a horror movie.  Narrow, poorly lit, with tall woods on each side.  I question our directions and then gleefully start telling my sister that if we were in a horror movie, this is where the car would break down and then a crazy guy comes out of the woods to chase us down before killing us.  My sister is hissing at me to "shut up, shut up, shut up".   We notice a strange, flickering light in the distance.  We joke about UFOs.  We get closer and discover that it is a house that has caught fire.  On Christmas Eve.  (Foreshadowing IRL)!  There are already cops and firefighters on the scene, so we are forced to turn around.  But it is okay.  We have the Garmin.     Garmin flips out when we turn around.  We are sent down back roads, dirt roads, roads that don't have names.  A half hour later, we went up right back in front of the house that is on fire.     Somewhere during this entire fiasco, we decided that we should call our dad and see if he had some better directions than heading down some unnamed road in the middle of the nowhere.  Cell reception where Grandma lives is spotty, so we are unsure if this is going to work, but we were lost and desperate.  We also both had to pee really badly at that point, and there was nowhere open because it was Christmas Eve.     My aunt (the one battling cancer) answers the phone and she is, predictably, drunk.  Either the reception is so bad that she can't make out what we are asking, or she is too drunk to get it, because she is wanting to know if we are going to be there in time to open presents and if I like my new job.  We finally get our dad on the line and I try to explain best I can where we are at and how we got there.  His response was that he had no idea where we were and what kind of directions we were following.     We finally had to ask the police officer who was turning traffic around at the house if she knew how to get to where we needed to go.  She did, and the directions were so easy and simple that I wanted to throw the Garmin out of the window and run it over with our car.     We get to Grandma's around nine o clock that night.  We had missed dinner, but there were plenty of leftovers and once I had a deep fried turkey leg in one hand and a margarita my dad made me in the other, I was a pretty happy camper.     Those are two of my favorite stories, happening the way I remember.  I like them.  If anyone wants to share their own, they are more than welcome to, but I just needed to do something to lift my spirits because I have a feeling things are about to get really bad.  I hope I'm wrong.  

CassieQ

CassieQ

 

New Things Are Coming

I am the type of person who likes documenting my life sometimes, so here is a blog post.   I realized that it has been over a year since I posted a story. But this year, two things happened that I am hopeful will get some new work up.   Firstly, I realized that Adderall was completely fucking up my life. I did really well at work (I had the highest productivity back in 2014 and was second highest last year) but outside of work, I was completely miserable. I couldn't sleep well, I could barely eat and any time I wasn't taking Adderall, I was sleeping because I was completely exhausted. Taking my medication was decided by how badly I wanted to be able to eat that day. So I stopped taking it.   Shortly after that, in March, I got sick. My cardiologist and NP didn't do crap for me, but it was after that when my therapist recommended a psychiatrist. So I went.   My psychiatrist is amazing. He changed my life. (He is super hot too, btw). He gave me 2 medicines and I am now sleeping great and am gaining weight like whoa. People tell me how healthy I look. I can focus at work, my productivity is still highest in my clinic, and my boss told me I was awesome in a recent email. (My boss is a bit of a jerk and hardly ever compliments me).   When I stopped taking Adderall, story ideas and the urge to write came trickling back. Now it's like a tidal wave. That is where the new stuff comes in. I have a 12,000 word companion piece to NTS that will be going up soon, as well as a minor revisions and epilogue for Book 3. I am also trying like hell to get a piece completed for the fall anthology. I can't make any promises as to when they will happen, (summers are crazy where I work) but they will happen. And hopefully more will follow. I'm carefully looking at pieces that I have started but not completed and some look promising. It's little steps, baby steps, but I am trying.   I love all you guys.

CassieQ

CassieQ

 

I'm Still Here

Hey everyone. I notice that are a lot of new names floating around the site, so if you are one of those, hello.

In case a few people were wondering what had become of me, I decided to update this blog.

I am still alive, but life has become interesting, as it tends to do sometimes.

Firstly, I was called for jury duty for the entire month of July. THAT was fun.

Secondly, as I am the most senior employee in my company after my boss, I was basically running an understaffed clinic with untrained new employees since about May. While my boss went on TWO vacations.

My last remaining guinea pig has been diagnosed with cancer.

So has my grandmother on my mom's side. She is undergoing surgery next month that is going to result in half her face being removed followed by a still unknown amount of radiation.

Needless to say, I have had very little time to write or even be on the site lately.

I miss you guys. I hope to have something new up soon.

*hugs*

CassieQ

CassieQ

 

ER

I was going to just do a status update, but it was getting a little long for that, so I decided to do a blog entry instead.   I kinda hate myself for doing this, but I finally went home and left my Mom at the ER with my dad and sister. I didn't want to leave, but my Mom was worried about me being able to drive home safely (I work 10 hours shifts and by the time I get off of work, I am exhausted). So after the fifth or so request for me to go home and get some rest, I went.   I am getting updates through my sister on my phone. When I left they were on the fence about letting her go home. The ER doc told me he would talk to the hospitalist (who the hell is that)?!? and let us know whether she could go home or should stay for more tests. When I asked how long this would take (we were going on 7 hours in the ER at this point) the doc told me no more than 20 minutes. An hour later he still hadn't shown back up and a few minutes a got another text from my sister...2 hours, still waiting. I hope they at least get her into a room and move her out of the damn hallway.   Worse part is, no one seems to know what is wrong. She can't stand up and walk without having episodes of nausea, dizziness, fainting and she shakes like crazy after just walking a few feet or sitting up for a while. And she exercises, eats well, takes her medicine and just takes really good care of herself. I have no idea. We've ruled out low blood sugar, the ultrasound of her stomach was all clear, she's have 4 EKGs over the last several days, all are normal. CT scan was fine, chest X-ray fine.   My Mom has currently surpassed my cousin for longest ER stay. And at least I got to brush up on my skills for terrorizing nurses (no disrespect, nurses are awesome, but I will be damned if I was going to sit there for one more minute watching my Mom be ignored).   Hoping for the best.

CassieQ

CassieQ

 

I have no idea what I'm doing

I have no idea what she was thinking. I came home from work Friday evening, and found my sister and my cousin crouched on the kitchen floor, peering into a plastic tub and grinning like fools. They had gone out and confiscated three baby kittens that had been taking refuge in the bushes of our yard.   My sister claims that they were abandoned, but I seriously doubt that, as they are not malnourished or seem like they haven't had adequate care from Mommy, but since they have been taken from their home, I am worried about returning them, since Mommy might think they have run away or been killed.   These kittens are young. The shelter (who refused to take them) said they looked about 3-4 weeks old. I have plenty of experience taking care of my two cats, but not kittens, and especially ones this little. The shelters I have looked at so far will not take them before they've had shots and the vet said they can't have shots until they are about 4-6 weeks. We are fostering them rather than taking them to the pound, but I have no idea how to take care of them. We are feeding them kitten milk with bottles every 3 hours, but they don't take a lot of it. Only one of them will eat soft food. Two of them have taken up the litter box. Me and my sister gave each of them a bath and scrubbed them with Dawn to kill the fleas (on the shelters recommendation) and I picked them off with a pair of tweezers. So now they hate both of us   Anyone have any advice? I shouldn't get involved in this, since I did not take the kittens in, but I know that none of us have any idea of what we are doing. Right now they are living in a inflatable children's pool that we picked up at Kmart. I have them in my room, which is one of the warmest rooms in the house. Right now, I would just like to keep them alive until we can get them into the vet's office, who can hopefully give us some advice.   Sheesh.

CassieQ

CassieQ

 

Remembering DC

Remembering DC     I am no good at blogging. However, the DC trip was amazing. It was the happiest I have been since the fire. And because I enjoyed it so much, I wrote down everything I could remember and listed it here. It's pretty incoherent and won't make much sense to someone who wasn't there, but I am writing it anyway, for myself more than anything. But if you see something and are curious, feel free to ask me and I'll (try to) explain it.   Friday So this is what a train is like... GA blocked by Amtrack’s wireless service—no anthologies Meeting intune for the first time in Union Station Chinatown The Chase Q’s story about the Constitution Q complaining about his boss and reminding me of my own law clerk that I treat at work, who complains of almost the exact same thing about her boss. Q’s tidbit about the statues (I looked and looked, but never saw it) The video game exhibit at the National Portrait Gallery The Spring and Summer portraits at the National Portrait Gallery The exhibit with too many televisions intune’s room A concierge trying to get me a cab and almost loading me into some dude’s car who was waiting for his wife to come down with their luggage   Saturday Seeing the Washington monument Q absolutely besotted with lil Q Searching for W_L Watergate Exploring Kennedy Center and walking along the Potomac W_L’s smile lil Q (so cute!!) Q’s stroller trick Weird food in a pretentious Mexican restaurant Laughing at lil Q's antics (I wasn't egging her on, honest ) W_L letting me sit in his room and read anthologies while my phone charged (thanks again)! Sitting and talking to intune and W_L in Starbucks for hours Watching intune hail a cab (awesome)! Smithsonian Sculpture Gallery and the weird SupraSensory display Q taking photos of the group with lil Q Wok and Roll Just for W_L: I can forgive all Patriots fans, but I will still talk trash   Sunday Senate building Capital building Crypts or Escape routes? Breakfast and exploring with W_L Having to say good bye Cool mornings, sunny days and beautiful people

CassieQ

CassieQ

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