It's starting again.
I talked to my cousin over the weekend about what my Dad has been going through. And how my Dad is courting sobriety again. For the record, the longest my Dad has been sober has been two years, and that was when I was a child and my Mom threatened to leave him and take myself and sister with her. He threw out all the alcohol in the house.
Another time was when I was living in Atlanta, out of college and working at a bookstore. My Dad went through some of his worst years in Atlanta and one day I noticed he wasn't acting like his usual drunk surly self. I remember being so concerned about his shift in personality that I told my Mom I was worried he was going to commit suicide. She laughed a little and told me he had quit drinking. I don't remember how long that one lasted, but it wasn't long.
He quit temporarily when the tests for his heart came back. Once he saw that his heart issue remained despite not drinking, he started back up again.
Now here we are again. He always stops when he has a consequence for drinking, but then he inevitably starts back.
I wish I could be more supportive, but I just can't. I can't. It hurts too much. It hurts to see the man that my father could be. I love my Dad, my real Dad. He is charming, has a great sense of humor and is fun to talk to and hang around with. I can see the man my Mom fell in love with. I can see the man I would like to have in my life.
But he never stays. Eventually the drink wins and the drunk comes back. The drunk is mean, stupid, surly and hard to get along with. I remember looking at the drunk and wondering how on Earth I can be related to him.
My Dad came over this weekend to help me with some stuff around the house, hanging up some blinds, putting up some shelves, etc. It was...nice.
But I need to keep my distance. Need to. Because I can't get close to him only to lose him to the drink again. I can't stand it.