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Demetz

Church; Poem

Last night at around midnight my mom knocked on my door and asked me to go to church with her, saying I should get some sleep so I could wake up early enough if I wanted to go. I am not a very religious person, and there are things about Christianity that will probably keep me from ever becoming a devout Christian, and while I really would rather not have gone, she didn't ask me as a matter of normal routine. My mom is not exactly the most religious person either; she goes to church when she nee
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A Mach 3 Bath

I Have to say that a person can never fully comprehend the sheer amount of surface area there is to the human body... until they attempt to shave it. I just spent three hours in the tub and went through three razors... and I'm still not finished. Got m upper arms, shoulders, chest, stomach, what I could reach on my butt, and my my legs north of my knees. On the agenda tomorrow: what I can reach of my back and my lower legs. Day three comes the touch ups and hopefully day four onward will just b
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2 years old

Its been a little over 2 years since I came out to myself. I hardly even remember what it was like thinking I was anything other than gay. My rebirth as a gay man 2 years ago resulted in a great deal of personal growth and changes, many good but the occasional one a bit more painful to go through.... life before being openly gay is now more of a distant memory, almost as though it happened to somebody else.   In some senses, it did happen to someone else. The me before I came out was radicall
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Islam and Homosexuality Part 2

I was referred to a video which supposedly justified the sactioned murder of homosexuals by Islamic law. Naturally I was skeptical.   http://islamictube.net/view_video.php?view...dd8fe4e481144d8   My skepticism was well warranted.   I do have to give the man credit for his discussion of the matter of homosexuality's naturalness. Indeed, humans are above the animal world because we have systems of morality and ethics and we can not govern our behavior by the idea that anything animals do is
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Letting go of old loves

There is something that must be done before one can move on from a broken up relationship, and that is to let go. It has bothered me that now more than a month after Dwayne and I broke up, I still think about him everyday... still play through conversations in my head... I need to stop that, but to do so, I needed to understand why I was still doing it. What I came up with as an answer is that although the relationship was broken up, I was still holding on to something... it wasn't hope of getti
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A return to blogging

April 30, 2010         I've just completed a good run. I always feel well afterward, if a bit parched since I don't have a water bottle. I'll be fixing that soon, hopefully. I've been meaning to work out more regularly and I've decided that today will mark day zero for that effort. My goal is to eventually do two miles in fifteen minutes, and twenty minutes of running total. Today I got maybe a mile and a half before the fifteen minute mark and my lower legs felt like they were burning, but
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Sometimes...

I am only your boyfriend some of the time. The rest of the time I am nothing. My voice has no words My mind is without content My heart has no value I exist, as only a broken shadow in your mind. For I am only your boyfriend some of the time.   I look back through my blogs here, public and private... I look back through e-mails, many I never sent... I look back over my life and for so... so long I have been unhappy - in a desperate struggle with my boyfriend to get him to show the love h
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Running away with me

So last night I did what I've wanted to do metaphorically in a literal way. I ran. And Ran. And kept right on running. It was pouring rain out. I went anyway. Lightning striking all over the place. Sun set well below the horizon. I kept running. Soaken wet, heart pounding, foot numbing I stopped and walked long enough to so I could feel my foot again and catch my breath, then I ran some more. And ran, and ran. I ran right past the road I was supposed to turn down and didn't realize it for a half
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insomniac heart

You know that feeling you get when you're sleeping alone... and no matter how hard you try, you can't trick your arms into believing the pillow in your arms is who you dream it to be?   Thats the feeling I've got tonight.   Well... thats all i had to say.
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Gavin.... :)

Today started off like many other days... I woke up, looked around, wondered whether I was already late for class, looked at the clock and saw that I was not, and then was faced with the decision of whether to go, or not to go. I went. I'm glad I did, actually. My microeconomics professor had our exams back... I got a 63 out 100 points. Normally this might be something to feel devastated by. However, as the average grade was in the low 30s, a 31 point curve boosed my grade to a 94... which means
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Vacation outing

So my mom flew in to Kansas City Missouri to visit her family a few weeks ago. She managed to not tell my grandmother about me being gay and having a boyfriend for the entire trip... almost. This morning they printed off a bunch of the pictures on her camera and among them was one of Silven. My grandmother asked who he was... my mom said he was a friend of mine; she asked how we knew each other, mom said we met over the internet; she asked what we had in common and.. .well... my mom doesn't know
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Grad school... a far off dream

... that may forever remain so.   Its not that I couldn't do the coursework, I could. Its not that I can't complete all the prerequisites... I can. Its not that I lack the ambition to try courses actually requiring thought, or that I lack the writing ability to do a master's thesis. I excel at analysis and have no problem writing.   Its that I don't have the funds to sign the check to the school, nor is my credit history sufficient enough to merit borrowing against my soul. I would have to b
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Yippee!

Yes! I finally got my computer back! *does a happy dance   Okay, so a couple months ago my videocard burnt out. If I had money, it could have been fixed in two days. I didn't have money, so I had to go out and get some... finally got the money and everything all ready, sent it in, and have it back again! I can finally start writing again and of course, I'll be dropping by chat much more often now. I'm officially a part of the community again.   ~Deme
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Bicycle Lights

Tonight was my last night at work. It was the last night i would ever have to make that three mile ride through near pitch-black dark. I was going to ride on the far side of SR 70 since the side i normally ride on is having some work done on it in some places.   However, yesterday I learned that despite my mom's request to have the 22nd off was not just granted, it was also forgotten and she got scheduled anyway. What this means to me is I have to be up at 8:30 am on wednesday to get the uhaul
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I hate banks

Okay, so I go to get a brand new car.... new for me anyway; Its a Red 2002 Chrysler Sebring 4 door sedan with only 29,000 miles on it... leather interior, brand new tires... suffice it to say, this car is awesome.   Thing is, it would cost me about 10,000 between cost of the car itself, taxes, tags and other nonsense. Well, thats what my credit union is there for, right? WRONG. At first they tell me they can only do 9,000 so we work it out with the dealer so that i can have 45 days to come up
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General plan for education

On the financial side I'm looking at loans, loans loans.   I'll be taking four courses this summer, and another five in the fall to complete my bachelor's by december.   In January '08 I will start graduate school. I will be completing it as quickly as possible, since I'll be taking out loans to pay for it and live off of. Five courses in the spring, four over the summer, and five more in the fall will have all my coursework finished in one year. Spring of '09 will see me doing my thesis and
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Never making it to shore.

This poem is straight from the heart, very emotional, very metaphorical, and possibly tear jerking. You've been warned.   I was walking across a rope bridge Behind me, my life without you Before me, the day I move in with you Below me, no rivine, nor rushing stream Below me lay a vastly wide river Moving warm and slow To nowhere I'd rather go Than the other side.   You were standing on the other side When I saw you disappear, And a moment of confusion crossed my mind When you retur
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Unsteady

Ever get the feeling the world or the universe as it were is running against you?   A year ago, I saw myself today being about to start my third semester of graduate school. Where am I instead?   I'm in the smallest room of my parents' house. I have a crappy job that doesn't pay well enough for the bank to approve the loan I need to get a non-crappy car. This means I do not have the option to move out of my parents house. Why is that? Surely I could just get a crappy car without the loan rig
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Defense Mechanisms; Fear of the Uncertain

I spent a lot of my life hiding from myself, in more ways than one. Psychologists say that the mind and body each develop certain defense mechanisms to make it through the stresses in our lives. As with all things with me, this is rather complicated.   It seems as though the defense mechanisms I developed were in place for so long that I fear now they have grown to become and are more a part of me than what they were defending. I don't understand the how and why of it, my only explanation is t
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Flight

Last night, some of you may have witnessed me throwing a bit of a temper tantrum and a subsequent pity party. I believe it went something along the lines of "f**kING f**k f**k BANK OF AMERICA THoSE SHITS" followed whimpering as I tried to pull myself together and deal with the situation.   What happened: I had the perfect itinerary and at a cost just meeting my budget. The problem was I did not have enough money actually in the bank at the time, so I had to make a deposit. Unfortunately, they
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Computer Games... my single greatest vice

I can't tell you how many countless times I have played a game on the computer instead of doing something far more important. Usually the something far more important has been studying. I'm strongly considering handing my computer to a roommate and asking him to hide it from me until the semester is over so I won't have the temptation anymore.   I'm taking in five weeks a number of classes that would normally be taken over the course of four months. I should be studying instead of playing game
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Old wounds mostly healed

http://www.gayauthors.org/efiction/viewsto...&chapter=11   I wrote this several months ago, but at that time I could not quite bring myself to actually post it among the other poems I have written for Silven... however, as time has passed, and much of the pain has eased, I think it may be suitable after all. Its not the happiest poem, it certainly took a lot out of me, though at that time it was more reflecting pain already present... even in pain though, and perhaps its just the survivali
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Christian forgiveness

I found myself in a discussion with one of those adamantly believing Christians. Initially I merely expressed somewhat incoherently the failure of religion to support my mom. You see... every few years my mom starts going back to church because she feels she can not cope with life otherwise. For a while she'll feel great having been "forgiven" for her sins. Then she'll feel guilty for not imposing christian "values" upon myself and my brother and for not having consistently imposed them on herse
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A new guy, Aaron

A few days ago I was at work and this cute guy sitting at the counter gave me his number, last night (my first night off) I gave him a call and he came over... we went to a little park and hung out for a bit, then headed back to my place and had a couple drinks. As I was walking to his car we kissed...   I was taken a bit by surprise at his kissing style. How to describe it.... well, it was a lot more... aggressive than what I was used to, and quite a bit, um.... sloppier. But, as we continued
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