Except that I just paid 10.50 for a pack of Newports. I don't feel so fine about that. I hate New York. So, clearly my best option is to move clear across the country and see how California treats me. I'm wondering how much 'ports are there... I can probably find that out somewhere. I know its unhealthy and all that but honestly? No one that smokes right now doesn't know that so I'm assuming that means we all need a better reason to quit. I'm also assuming that since a pack a day habit will have a person shelling out at least three hundred dollars a month here, more and more people are finding that reason. Me? Clearly I'm insane and I'd prefer to just move thousands of miles away to be able to continue killing my lungs one cigarette at a time.

Not really. Obviously I'm not moving for cheaper cigarettes. It's more like...icing.

I need...change. I wanna get back to doing the things I actually care about. It's a simple thing really, and I'm sure I could acheive it by changing something about my life instead of uprooting it altogether. But I honestly just don't want to. My bags are packed, my money is saved, and as soon as my transfer comes in I'm leaving. If it doesn't come through, I'm leaving without it. This last year has been kind of an epic joke of a disaster. It's gotten to the point where I don't even flinch at bad news anymore. It's kind of hard to be surprised at anything after your house catches fire (no one hurt, just damaged property) because thats....UNREAL. And if that can happen... Well, after that it's just not really surprising when the old car gives up 'thinking it can' or your wallet magically goes missing.

It'll probably seem trite, and I'm not grateful for any of these things, not by a long shot - but I do know a little bit more about what I can handle. Lately it seems like I can pretty much have anything laid on me, and I'll just take a deep breath and roll with the punches. No time to sit around feeling sorry for myself about my old house when I needed to get off my ass to find a new place to live. So, trite or not, I learned a lot about myself.

I kept putting off leaving this place, even though that was always the plan. I was always going to go south...southwest. Whatever. I was never going to stay here. Since way back in high school when my guidance councelor asked where I wanted to go. But then I got myself into a relationship and when THAT ended (also in this last year or so, lol), I didn't feel strong enough to do much more than...get by. I definitely didn't feel like moving away from everyone I know and care about to a place where I have virtually no support system was a good idea.

But now...I think that was silly. I'm a lot stronger than I thought. I dont default to feeling sorry for myself. I've learned to kind of...take whatever comes and the first place my brain goes these days is...k, so what can I do about it? I'm certain I can handle the move, AND the new place, AND whatever the hell else gets thrown my way. See, shitty year served its purpose. I totally feel like superman. Lol, or something like that.

So, four months, tops and I leave New York. I'm giddy about it. Also, I'm less concerned with working two jobs than I am about spending time on things I actually care about. Feels like I've had no time recently. There aren't enough hours in the day for all the things that mean something to me.

I'm not sure where this started. *shrug* I know where it is now, though, so I'mma just run with that ;-) I think that I was...scared. That I've been scared of leaving this place, leaving everything I know, because if I stayed... I might always be exactly where I am now, but at least I wouldn't be back at square one.

But...that was also really silly. And I'm leaving. Four months from now, if not before that. Yay.

Also, since I'm freeing up time for the things that I care about... well, it's probably lame that all the stuff I do online actually makes that list, right? I cant care. I love it here, and I'm back.