ok, my take on this... be nice for now. Play along, call once a week and ask how she's doing, blah blah blah. Maybe she just needs reassurance that you are going to be good parents. She has until 20 weeks to sign the papers. Keep that magic number in mind.

Week 21 -- start letting her know, gently, that you are making plans for the baby(s) that do not include her. Do not tell her what they are exactly. It's not her buisness. Tell her you are interviewing nannies if she asks. You are going through an agency like you did to find a surragate. Yes, you are decorating the nursery. Offer to send pictures, there is no harm in pictures of the nursery.

As it gets closer to the due date, review your paperwork to make sure that she has no right to any part of your child's life. When you get to the where ever you are going to pick up the baby(s) (probably the hospital) have a plan for dealing with her and stick to it. Make sure there hasn't been a birth certificate filed, and be sure you collect the one with the baby footprints and mum's thumbprints. Also if there are twins, make sure they are clearly marked. Those thick hair bands work well for a while, they arent' too stretchy, but pretty much stay on over a sock. Heh so does a black sharpie on the ass.

Anyway, don't let her push you around. She thinks she's got you by the balls right now, but in all honesty, it's a waiting game. Be patient, it's a skill that will do you lots of good for the next thirty years.

hugs and kisses.

Did you notice you use the term "them" several times?

I don't know much about surrogates on a personal level, but I can imagine feeling a bit like a business associate being a bit too familiar. Not a good feeling. However, I have been a pregnant female and the emotions and the hormones aren't a myth. I agree with Lugh, call and check in on her at least once a week - try emailing back and forth as well.

As far as the way you are feeling right now having any bearing on you as a father, I doubt there is that much of correlation. Plus, I know I'm a damn good Mom and there are definitely times where the "leave me alone" attitude is prevalent. Its happens to the best of us and it doesn't mean you aren't suited to parenthood.

And, as you are a lawyer, I doubt you need to review the contract, but I would remind her soon that there will be no nannying done by her, ever, at all, nada.

I suspect there was a firm understanding if not a valid, signed contract before she became pregnant. You may need to remind her of that.

I would recommend e-mail over telephone calls. It can express your appreciation without getting quite so personal.

Some flowers when the baby is (babies are) born would be a nice gesture. That's should be about the limit of her involvement.

Hopefully, you are not on the hook for treatment of post-partum depression.

Legally, it's your baby.

I thought Shane (skon) was being the Manny

I agree with Lugh, Wait until the 21st week and after the contract signed before you tell her that she's not going to be in YOUR kids lives.

Remind her that this is a business agreement, she's getting paid right? so after the business of her carrying your child the the partnership is over, and then you can move on in both your lives and pretend you don't know each other.

Maybe to celebrate the birth of your children, you could get her a packet of prozac or something

I agree with people in little light contact during the term... Hormones are kinda crazy.. you really wouldnt want to work her up!! so, she needs to be dealt, firmly yet gently that she IS NOT gonna be involved in ANY part of the child(ren)'s life/lives.. nowhere does it say in the contract that you have to let her, right??

Besides you are right, she is not only doing this out of the generosity of her heart.. she is being paid.. so really, u wanting not to be involved in her mood changes, doesn't make you a jerk!

And that in NO WAY says that you're not cut out to be a dad! Also look at it this way, if you keep in touch with her, even minimally, you would be involved in this period of your kid(s)' lives... acc to some of the parents i know, it can actually be fum.. to know when the baby kicked, and when it gave her spasms.. etc.. so..

U just gotta make sure she has no allusions over the fact that she's gonna be involved in this kid's life in ANY way, whatsoever.. if that's how you want it, that's what will happen..

like i said earlier, i think you're gonna be a wonderful dad! :) so... dont ever question that!! and you'll be good to go..

Oh for goodness sake pull yourself together man . So what if you are grumpy with your kids now and again? Do you think that no one else is? There is no such thing as a perfect parent. I get my days with my kids, I hated my daughter for a while during her teenage years but I am a pretty damn good parent.

Seriously... it's going to be alright. You've been waiting for this for a long time and the nerves have been jangled. You have been building it up and the reality is setting in.

What the hell difference does it make what the surrogate is saying or doing right now? She can ask you to do cartwheels and if that's what it takes to get those babies in your arms what is it going to hurt to do them.

Trust me... when you are holding those sweet little angels in your arms it will all have been worth it.

EVERYONE has doubts; every expectant mother; every expectant father. Trust me you are not alone... so suck it up

Yeah, as others have said, your feelings toward the surrogate aren't a good indicator as to whether you're going to be a good baby daddy or not.

No need to be too nasty or sterile to the surrogate, but you also shouldn't let her get her expectations too high as to the 'relationship' she is going to have with you and the kid(s).

anywho, continue wearing your tiara with pride

Just a bit of clarity. the contract is super clear - at 20 weeks, she signs the pre birth order and her parental rights are terminate - period end of discussion. Not only that but were she to 'contest' signing the pre birth order, California Laws have uniformly enforced the contract that says she is required to. So no there is no gray area here, we could - but won't - deny her all contact with the babies - and yes I am thinking in terms of twins, that seems to be the prevailing wind with everyone involved.

Cia - you kill me with - your " it's not like you have that warm mushy feeling about women' Moi???

To be honest I wasn't really that concerned about my parenting as much as I was annoyed at myself for being so 'put off' by her veiled request we call. The whole passive aggressive stuff is a peeve of mine, grates on me when people do that and my first reaction is to do the opposite of what they are trying to subtlety get me to do. But in reality we really ought to keep in touch better, so I am wrong and I know it.

Anyway, I love the comments, god you are all going to have a helluva a good time at my expense when I actually try to play parent.

Andy

God yes With photos.

The whole passive aggressive stuff is a peeve of mine, grates on me when people do that and my first reaction is to do the opposite of what they are trying to subtlety get me to do.

That's me too! I do the exact opposite of what my family or friends want when they do so passive/aggressively

To me, I could never imagine being a surrogate and giving up all rights to a child. Or being a surrogate at all.

-- I've followed your story a bit on here - Hi By the way, and congrats on the news, but not involving her seems harsh. Planning for anything without her seems harsh. It;s not a normal family and you shouldn't be thinking like that. My opinion anyway.

She is the child's mother, contract or not. It seems sad to think in any other way.

But parenting seems a difficult path for anyone.

Good luck with everything. Try to avoid disputes. It doesn't help the children. I know this from experience of divorce from a kids perspective.

Celes,

Thanks for saying "hi" and the well wishes.

Not that I want to argue with you - God knows lawyers, NEVER Argue right? - but I am not sure excluding her is harsh - and I mean that I am not sure anymore. When this started, I was all for including her, because naturally at some point the kid(s) will figure out neither Mike nor I gave birth. We do want to keep on good terms with her, at least that was always my argument.

Mike has always been the more worried about stuff - which is really surprising given I am the prosecutor, not him, and I see so much more crap then him. I was always much more willing to include her in our future plans.

But where I am adamant is she will not be the parent, or have a say in parenting or raising the child(ren). Her comments lead me to worry she might be wanting to be a little closer than we want or expect. I am trying to keep an open mind, and not worry too much, but I also don't want to let something build up and eventually be much hard to rein in than if we nip it now. Tough line to walk, because we do want the keep the lines open for the day when we decide to tell the kid(s) about their mom and let them make contact.

So, I am not entirely sure which approach is best - exclude her, or include her. Still working that one out. I'd say I have time but that isn't something we really have that much of anymore LOL.

Thanks again.

Andy

Yesterday was Wednesday, where's our ultrasound results?

Ya.. Where is it Andy??? We wanna see.. :P

I personally think that the mother's mood will help with the health of the baby. Please, Andy you should extend as much love as you are able so that your child is born as healthy as possible.

Well, I work with the little ones, and just to ease your mind, they don't seem to need 24/7 sugary sweet love to sustain them. Seriously, I smile like a few times a day, and the rest of the time chastise them for bad behavior or for not paying attention, and they still hug me and tell me they love me at the end of the day

But I think you're right. I bet it's the weird vibe from the surrogate that's making you wary to be friendly with her. You seem to be pretty nice to everyone around here :-)