Failures and victories
Entry posted by Bleu
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The past few weeks have been full of contrasted events.
In the list of failures I have to include my last marathon race. This time, I wasn't able to train as well as I did last year because my ankle never fully recovered from last summer's fracture. I only managed to run about 45 to 50km a week instead of the 60-70 I should have done. Despite that, I thought I would be able to finish it. Well, I had to give up around mile 18. It's the first time I can't complete a marathon. I made mistakes in the way I ate and drank both before and during the race. Basically, I did not eat enough solid food, and ended up with very painful intestinal cramps. After a few forced stops, my mental stamina was dwindling and every time I stopped my ankle would freeze up and I had to hobble for a few hundred yards until the ankle was warm again. It could only last for so long...
It's disappointing because I could have done better and because I felt very good at the start. I passed the semi-marathon mark in 1hr37' which is slightly disappointing but not completely awful. What's even more annoying is that if I had ran as well as last year, I would have made it to the 16th place (it's a small marathon of only 650 runners, with no national-level runners). What's more worrying is that my ankle might be screwed for good. It looks like it can handle up to a half-marathon but no more. 
Another disappointment is work related. First, I was supposed to write an article for a professional journal, but soon realised I wasn't familiar enough with the topic. I tried to enlist the help of a colleague but it didn't work out for either of us, so in the end, after procrastinating and missing the deadline I told the editor I couldn't do it. Not good! Now I bet they won't ask me for another contribution for some time.
Otherwise, I am fine with what I do at work but I find the red tape really annoying. And my boss would like me to get more involved with that kind of crap because he would like me to take on more responsibilities next year. I'd rather keep doing what I do now. But if I want a promotion, I should go with what he wants, not what I want. That would mean more hours at work, etc. Meh....
Among the more positive events that recently occurred are the fact that I'm more confident with being seen as gay or bi. Last week I went to a gay pride in a city an hour from where my parents live. I have a gay friend there, who belongs to the local LGBT association. I joined the group for the pre-pride dinner, and marched with them the next day. I bumped into one of my cousins during the pride, who also happens to be a friend of my friend. I looked the part of the straight friend supporting his gay friend... but I don't want to be doing that for too long. By the way, there was a group of skinheads and right-wings extremists who tried to block the parade. They got booed and had to retreat. The police was there to keep things cool.
I also went to the Paris pride yesterday. I met up with a group of Anglo-Saxon expats I joined a few months ago. I expected to see some of the guys I met some weeks back, but funny enough I found myself the only guy with 9 lesbians. 
I was the only one carrying a rainbow flag until two of the girls bought theirs and then we started marching. It was a huge event, like last year. The police say we were 36,000, which is a ridiculous number, seeing we were much closer to 500,000. But since gay marriage was rejected by the French Parliament last week (that was another —largely expected— disappointment), the current government wants to minimize our importance. I can't wait for next year's election. If the candidate for the Left wins I expect we will get gay marriage within two years.
Another victory was being able to speak with my parents about being at the parade, and about the debate over gay marriage. We've hardly spoken about my love life since I came out to them almost a year ago. They still had hopes for me to go to the straight side of my bi personality, and I've been reluctant to throw my dating experience of the last few months in their faces. Let's just say they're getting the picture now that I told them bits of my summer plans, the London GA meetup being the least shocking revelation.
Of course, this being more "proud" of who I am is bolstered by the major victory I cling to: I'm in love 
. Even though I was in a long-term loving relationship before (more than 10 years), I don't pretend to know how love works. But I think I can tell when I'm not in love, and this isn't one of those times.
I want to shout everywhere the name of the man who makes me so happy. It is tough to remain in control while wanting to dive into the feelings of happiness..., tough to find the right balance between enjoying the moment for what it is and thinking about a possible future. The obvious obstacles to our relationship (distance, culture, language, etc.) make it very fragile. I'm sure the image is corny, but I was trained as a library curator, so I hope you'll forgive me. I feel like I was given this very delicate historical piece to handle, and it is way too precious to break, so I'm holding my breath until I can carry it to a safer place.
Telling people about the man I care for means more work on the coming-out front: first, my best friend from high school next week-end (that should be a breeze); then, at the end of the summer I can see a more difficult coming-out looming: that to my late wife's family. I have no idea what to expect from them, so it's a bit worrying as I don't want this new development on my side to affect the way they see the past 15 years. Whatever happens, they can't get in the way of the relationship I have at the moment nor change how I intend to develop and strengthen it.
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