I wake up in tears and I wish I knew why. This may be the start of my literal break down.
Maybe it's work? I've been so stressed about it lately. Shoots are going to be done, fashion week is about to start, the constant flying, and everything else. I think that it's starting to take a toll on me. The problem is that I keep pushing, it's like I have no limit. When it becomes too much, I shrug it all of and keep going.
School also starts soon. It's going to be stressful, especially if work is going to be extra strenuous.
Throughout all of it, I still keep going. Like an overused car, I keep pushing myself. Why? I don't know. At times I feel like I'm not living for much, it's all about making others feel good. I've never thought of myself first. I'm not even going to lie, being single for this long has made me so used to lonely. I always say to myself, "don't think about it! you have to focus on tasks at hand." So, I ignore every possible suitor. I think of every possible excuse I can to not see them. To not open myself up.
I think the ice I've built up for the past seven years is slowly starting to melt. I'm scared because I'll be vulnerable. I don't want to be, I can't be, I refuse to be. I don't even know what my point is anymore, maybe putting it on here will give me some comfort.
I'm just so used to trying to be perfect. My mom used to tell me, "do you ever have an off day? Bambini, I don't want you to burn out, just take it easy." But it's hard, I don't know why it's so damn hard. I'd assure her everything was fine, but secretly, I was trying to make myself feel better. It's sad really.
So here I am... smoking a cigarette and drinking some orange juice and vodka. At 6 in the damn morning.