So when did you figure out your sexuality either one way or the other?

You know what I got to thinking about it today, and got curious. When was it in my own life that I became aware that gay was the way I was hardwired?

Right so I guess I became sexually aware of what sexuality was all about around 10 or 11. I mean as a kid growing up, the difference between girls and boys was obvious and something I explored a bit as a kid, but it was only when I moved to a special Christian college that I discovered what sex was all about.

Not sure what that says about Christian schools lol!

It was while among a group of friends on a sleep over one night that as boys will be boys that we tried some exploratory stuff, and I guess that you can say is when my sexual awareness was awoken.

It was interesting going back in time and thinking it through, as if I am completely honest, I cannot remember being curious about women in any way shape or form from that moment on in life. It was a year or two after that before I actually fooled around with a guy who was a close mate. In a way that experience scared the hell out of me, I mean heck I'd played sexually with a guy, and that meant that "I was gay!" Shock, Horror.

I took me a good few years from that point before I was once more willing to explore my sexuality and it was when I was around fourteen at a church camp that I finally embraced the fact that it was a guy that I fancied the pants off.

My individuality and sexual identity became defined more in my mind as I went through high school and had a crush on this guy and that guy. I was much to scared to do anything about it with anyone though as I grew up in an environment where homosexuality was so not the done thing, but as I've learnt in later times, a lot of us were gay and messing around with guys.

Reflecting back in time, I can see now that I wasn't strange in some way. This "thing" I was, was not some freak of society or strange outcast of humanity, but at the time, I really struggled with the fact that it was a guy with a wonderfully pert ass that I fancied so much.

I realise now, as I've pondered things, that I was gay from a really young age, it was just something that I never really accepted, and as such never understood enough to appreciate until i was much older and stronger to accept my identity.

So when did it all begin? I am not sure that my life as a homosexual male really began until I was able to accept who I was and deal with its consequences for me and the idea that I could deal with life as a man who liked other men. I guess I am just saying if your a young man, questioning your identity, and your reading this, embrace yourself, and try to learn to accept who you are. It is not strange, different or weird that each of us is different and unique and individual, and some of us will be wired to like things other people won't understand or accept. Find strength in the fact that as a person, as the individual you are, you are beautiful and there are people out there just like you, just as mixed up and perplexed as you, and learning about life in much the same way you are.

I hope that in this way, someone will not have to go through the lonely isolation I felt as a youngster, and realise that its ok to be you.

I know its not the same of all of us, and some have it harder than others, but in this life we all go through the experience of growing up. Sometimes we just need someone to tell us its going to be ok, and it is alright to be who we are and what we are.

Thought for today - "Certain defects are necessary for the existence of individuality." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Song for today - Tarzan Boy by Baltimora