Young children have it best. Chores are done for them, they are spoon fed with playful attention, and of course, they enjoy the luxury of nappies. The vicissitudes of growing up entails a process of moving past said juvenile methods of defecation. Today, the use of the toilet is a challenge that most children must socially accept.

What about the dilemmas of the modern toilet? Maybe the seat is too cold or even too warm? It is not clean enough. Will I fall into the bowl? These anxieties are usually dealt with during a child's development. However, many adults are yet to overcome other feelings of embarrassment or discomfort when dumping their daily ritual into this waste disposing creation. Fart sounds, organic smells, poo slapping on the bowl - all common occurrences that one would wish to avoid. When shitting in a bathroom that is within the vicinity of other human beings, just 'letting it rip' is usually not an option. Instead, some opt to clench and release in calculated intervals in a not so subtle attempt to avoid suspicion.

It should not all be gloom and doom when nature calls during a friend's illustrious dinner event. Mankind has invented many systems for a sense of hygiene and civility. Toilet paper. One must never underestimate the use of toilet paper. Apart from the obvious wiping techniques (it is fundamental that you do not 'scrunch'), toilet paper also acts as a barrier between the water level and what is below. Many established scientists would say, according to elementary physics, that back splash is inevitable when heavy poo plummets like an atomic bomb towards the water. To avoid this aquatic warzone, just place a few sheets of paper onto the water surface. Of course, there is a fine balance between creating a thin velocity-absorbing layer and creating an impervious wall. The latter will allow faeces to sit nicely above the water. It is a bit of a technique, but with some practice, not a difficult one feat to achieve. What about when it is just ‘too big’? It sits comfortably, slanted on the white toilet surface as if it were resting after a hard day at work. You flush, and flush, and it just won't flush. Try flushing the massive being down another three times. If that does not work, use whatever urine you have stored as a projectile stream for forceful dispersion. Women may have trouble with this but remember; the toilet world does not have to be a man's world. Finally, the scrubber is always available. Just be sure to wash up after you mash and grind to a suitable slush.

Spread these techniques to your friends. Take pictures of your result. Instagram, Snapchat, Tumblr. You have many social media outlets at your disposal. Do not be fooled into thinking that this subject must be taboo. Defecation is one of the most shared, natural and beautiful things we as human beings all must do. Don’t deny the world of shit. For too long are people deprived of knowing the size of their friend's brown one after 'KFC Fridays'.

Now you are equipped with some essential skills. Was it that sick and uncomfortable to read about defecation tactics? No.