Green I'm so so sorry that things have turned out the way they have.

 

I am really hoping that everyones reaction to your news will only be temporary and because they are in shock.

 

Bev

Green I'm so so sorry that things have turned out the way they have.

 

I am really hoping that everyones reaction to your news will only be temporary and because they are in shock.

 

Bev

 

No I think this one might be permanent. The truth is I deserve it. I should have trusted them. I tried calling them but they didnt answer me. Selene came by a few minutes ago and we both agreed. That I had been an ass. She said she'd work on David but I shouldnt expect much from him. David is really pissed off at me.

 

Chaz left me a letter that I havent been able to read yet. Its sitting on my bed right now and I know that when I read it we will be truly over. I cant even think about it. I knew what I had and I made sure it left. I am going to see David in class tomorrow morning and the first time since high school we arent going to sit near each other.

 

I told Selene not to play telephone between us. i cant put her in that position but she said she'd do anything to get us all back together. I told her I did everything to make sure we werent. Julio called and he flipped when I told him about the tumors. I was supposed to got to dinner with him tomorrow but I cancelled. I'm just not up to it.

 

My brother the Liar apparently knew about this whole mess before I did. I asked him why he didnt tell me and he said he felt like he should wait. Then we got to talking, granted I couldnt really beleive half of what he said but he told me he found out because his mother had been speaking of it with one of her friends on the phone. My mother explained that she didnt let him stay for my father but for me and that they were getting ready tot ell me soon but I was avoiding her like the plague.

 

So Know Ilike my father I'm left with nothing but an empty house.

 

GREEN

Don't give up!

 

- Kaiten

Green...You know what they say about hindsight? It's twenty/twenty. If we look at the mess of the things they are today, we can see clearly the mistakes of yesterday. Trouble is, that when we are making those mistakes, they don't look like mistakes at the time...they look like wise moves.

 

But when push comes to shove, it is pretty pointless to beat yourself up about things that have or haven't been said or done. We all make the best decisions we can at the time.

 

No I think this one might be permanent. The truth is I deserve it. I should have trusted them.

Maybe, it's permanent and maybe it's not. I have said before that your friends do love you unconditionally. It's just at this moment in time, they are reeling from 1) your news of the tumors and 2) the feeling that you don't trust them.

 

They are hurting and you are hurting - pretty frankly there is pain all around. But I think that the issue is that you don't trust yourself, and not so much that you don't trust them.

 

Remember when you got the news from the doctor and all you wanted to do was run away and hide from everyone and everything and curl up in a ball and wallow for a while? Maybe that is what Chaz and David are doing right now...wallowing.

 

So, now you have two choices...you can either chase them and apoplogise and hound them until they accept your apology or you can give them both space and hope that they will come to the place where they will forgive you.

 

You know your friends better than I do, but I remember all the chasing that Chaz did when he was trying to woo you...do you think he would liked to be wooed back? And in the process, you might have to do a lot of pride swallowing and humble pie consumption and grovelling on hands and knees. It was just a thought. As I said, you know him better than I do.

 

I don't know what to say about the situation with your brother and your father and your mother and your stepfather. However I do know something. Just because your father made some mistakes in his life and ended up alone, doesn't mean that you will too. You can take this opportunity to learn from your mistakes. Never keep secrets from those you love the most. It's not worth it. And God, and isn't that the understatement of the century.

 

One last thing

 

Bev

Hi mate,

 

I'm really sorry you're having such a tough time. I can understand why your friends are hurt that you didn't tell them, but surely they've got to understand that you not telling them had nothing to do with trust. You needed time to think about things before you spoke to them about it. Granted, you probably should have told them and explained why you needed time to yourself, but it wasn't because you don't trust them. Right now they're angry, but they will calm down and when they do I'm sure they'll come and find you.

 

Don't say that you deserve what's happening to you, because you don't. You handled this badly, but it was the only way you knew how to deal with it. Maybe you need to work on that, but you shouldn't be punished for it. One thing you should bear in mind is that they wouldn't have been so worried about you or so hurt when they knew the truth if they didn't care - give them some time and then I'm sure things will start to mend. One thing's for certain though - if you convince yourself you don't deserve them you'll definitely end up without them. You'll push them away when they come back and you will end up alone. Feel guilty for hurting them, feel sorry for making them worry, but don't think for one minute you deserve to be alone, because you don't.

 

As for "the Liar" being your brother, all I can say is BLOODY HELL! And you didn't know about this? It's hard enough discovering you have a brother you never knew about without it being someone you dislike so much. You need to think about whether you want a relationship with him, but now you know the truth you should give him a chance. He may not be perfect, but he's still family.

 

I think you need to take some time to think about what you really want, whether you want to continue your relationship with Chaz, whether you want to have a relationship with your brother and the sort of person you want to be. You seem like a great guy to me, but you make the same mistake I do and push people away when things get tough. Remember that it's difficult enough to learn to love other people, but letting them love you back is ten times harder.

 

If you want your boyfriend back then I suggest you read his letter and then write one of your own. You can say you're sorry a thousand times, but if he's angry he won't want to listen. Write him a letter telling him how you feel and when he's ready I'm sure he will read it and realise how much you're hurting. It may not help, but if you want him back then you need to try everything and this seems like a good first step to me.

 

Good luck mate and remember that if you ever need to talk then drop me a PM/email.

 

Rob

I want to thank you guys for all of the encouragement you guys have given me the kast few days. It has really helped a lot. I dont know where my head is that these days but it helps to know that you guys are here to read about my crazy life and help me with your words.

 

Um I saw David today as I expected but he did something I didnt expect. He sat with me. After class we talked. he said he still wasnt moving back in but we were good. I begged him to move back in but he wouldnt give in. He said he needed to be away from me for a while.

 

Chaz wasnt that accepting when I saw him today. He looked at me for a second then he walked the opposite way. He did it again the next time I saw him but then he turned around and walked over to me. He told me to give him some time and then we'd talk. I told him I love him and he smiled before he told me that he did too. Then he walked away.

 

I guess I always expect the worst but I'm really glad that I was wrong.

 

GREEN

I guess I always expect the worst but I'm really glad that I was wrong.

 

Me too (on this occasion).

 

They are just taking their time to lick their wounds. Good on you Green, for being courageous and speaking to both David and Chaz.

 

Things are looking much better today.

 

Bev

You see - just give them both some time. I know you need support right now and I'm sure they both want to give it, but knowing they both still care and knowing they both still love you should bring you some comfort.

 

Hang in there mate - things will work out in the end.

 

Rob

I agree that you don't deserve to be alone. However, being alone is a natural consequence of pushing people away, which is exactly what you did, and I disagree with the sugarcoating in many of the posts above. The killer is that you knew that this is what you were doing; you knew that it was highly maladaptive to push people away at exactly the time you need to have support; you know that it is false pride to not want to appear weak when you really are (and for that matter, use of your highly drama-laden self-defeating coping mechanism makes you appear even weaker than simply crying would have); and worst of all, you knew that it was all over NOTHING. The tumors weren't even malignant. All this drama and angst were generated entirely in your own mind, and despite knowing that you LET it hurt you and then spill over into hurting everyone around you.

 

This is not intended to make you feel guilty per se, although if feeling guilty motivates you to learn from this experience and figure out how to overrule your irrational impulses, then yes, I want you to feel horribly guilty.

 

The trouble with your friends coming back so readily is that you will continue to think that you can get away with this sort of crap. One day, you will have to learn that when you stick your hand in the fire, the natural consequence is that you get burned, and you should stop doing it. Start practicing a more adaptive way to cope with your panic, and start TODAY. Begin by not avoiding Chaz's letter, and confront it head on.

libbonobo

 

Well, I agree with you and Rob who says that Green doesn't deserve to be alone. That is a given. Nobody deserves to be alone.

 

But you know what, I don't think Green needs to be berated for his mistakes. We all make mistakes. Every person on this earth has made mistakes...some mistakes are small and of little consequence whilst others are huge and impact on everyone.

 

Green knows that he has stuffed up. He knows that he has hurt people he loves. But he also knows that a mistake isn't a mistake if you learn from it. And he has learnt from it.

 

One day, you will have to learn that when you stick your hand in the fire, the natural consequence is that you get burned, and you should stop doing it.

This is true. But if you have never stuck your hand in a fire or have never been warned that the fire is hot, then how would you know that the fire burns?

 

Lib, we all react differently to stress. Not all of us have had a happy life and when we are hurt, we sometimes protect ourselves the best we can. Trouble is, the way we protect ourseves, can unintenionally hurt other people. Green ran and hid and even lied, to protect himself. It was his own personal protection mechanism. But, at the time, he didn't know how his running and lying and hiding was affecting others.

 

He knows now. Give him a break. He is punishing himself enough...we don't have to kick him too.

 

Bev

I agree that you don't deserve to be alone. However, being alone is a natural consequence of pushing people away, which is exactly what you did, and I disagree with the sugarcoating in many of the posts above. The killer is that you knew that this is what you were doing; you knew that it was highly maladaptive to push people away at exactly the time you need to have support; you know that it is false pride to not want to appear weak when you really are (and for that matter, use of your highly drama-laden self-defeating coping mechanism makes you appear even weaker than simply crying would have); and worst of all, you knew that it was all over NOTHING. The tumors weren't even malignant. All this drama and angst were generated entirely in your own mind, and despite knowing that you LET it hurt you and then spill over into hurting everyone around you.

 

This is not intended to make you feel guilty per se, although if feeling guilty motivates you to learn from this experience and figure out how to overrule your irrational impulses, then yes, I want you to feel horribly guilty.

 

The trouble with your friends coming back so readily is that you will continue to think that you can get away with this sort of crap. One day, you will have to learn that when you stick your hand in the fire, the natural consequence is that you get burned, and you should stop doing it. Start practicing a more adaptive way to cope with your panic, and start TODAY. Begin by not avoiding Chaz's letter, and confront it head on.

 

 

I will say that you're opinion is valid and in most parts correct. My intention was to never involve my friends. I wanted to keep them completely out of the loop making sure they never thought anything was wrong. Where you're opinion fails is that I didnt find out if they were benign until three days ago. I've been living with this uncertainty for a couple of weeks. This is my fault I never wrote that part. I looked back on my post because I thought I had.

 

Yeah I hate to seem weak in front of my friends. I will always feel that way. The day I posted the first part of this ordeal I had already been through hell and back on my own. I never hurt anyone and they werent mad at me because of the tumors they were mad at me because I was dealing with something they didnt know about. Chaz and Dave didnt find out about the tumors until I came back home.

 

I do feel guilty and I will always feel guilty but not for not wanting my friends to see me as weak. I am not the type of person to lie down and take the worst that life has to give me. I havent had most of the problems my friends have had over the years and I cant help it if I dont want to burden them with my problems because ultimately they've all had it worst than I have. So when I do have a problem I try to fix it myself.

 

You have to understand that for two weeks I thought that I might be dying. I prepared myself for the worst because I hate giving myself false hope. Same thing today I didnt expect either of them to speak to me and I cant tell you why they did, but they did for a reason.

 

So tomorrow when I wake up I am going to live my life. One without friends because I dont have them completely back yet, with the exception of Selene and even if I did its not going to be the same, David will have conditions and so will Chaz.

 

As for Chaz I dont know if we will ever get back together. I read the letter and he said I hurt him when I dont let him in and that I'm the first person he's ever loved but if I cant trust him then we have nothing. The thing is that this is not about trust. I wouldnt have them as friends if I didnt trust them. This is about not bringing my own troubles into their lives when they already have their own.

 

I am ashamed to say that I do have problems but not ashamed to say that I want my friends not to worry about me. My friends are family and I care for them as such. When I left I called the to reassure them that I was alright. I told Selene that I just needed to be away for a couple of days. I told Chaz the same thing when I spoke to him.

 

So I hope this clears up some things for you. I am human after all, I'm not claiming to be perfect. Tomorrow I will wake up in an empty bed in an empty house, dealing with the consequences of my life. Ultimately I got what I thought I needed and thats to be alone.

 

GREEN

Hey Green,

 

I am so glad to hear that you were able to at least talk to both Chaz and David. I'm sure it's still worrisome that they're both still upset...but they will calm down like Bev says once they've licked their wounds a bit.

 

It's obvious that you trust your friends, like you said you wouldn't be friends with them in the first place if you didn't trust them. The thing is, a good friendship is a give and take type of situation. You say that your always there for them when they need you, but you don't seem to allow them the same courtesy? That's not a very fair relationship. They don't know that they're needed. If they can never rescue you the same way you rescue them...things get sticky. It's cool that you don't want to worry them and really sweet, but just because your problems are different than their's doesn't make them any less important.

 

You say you got what you thought you needed, and that's to be alone. That may be true for a day or so, but in the long run I don't see it staying that way. Your friends love you too much for that. And Chaz, I agree with an earlier post, that writing down a letter with all your thoughts and things you've been feeling, being totally honest...will get your further than just apologizing.

 

The coolest thing is though, your not the first person to be in this type of a situation and you definately won't be the last. I work in a lab and trust me I've all but blown buildings up over the last couple of years. lol BIG mistakes. But I got the best advice once and that was: "Every mistake possible has already been made. That's why so many people know how to 'Fix' things. The only truly bad thing to ever come out of a mistake is if you repeat the same mistake again." Basically I was told don't drop the bottle of HCl acid on the floor and boot everyone out of lab for 3 days again.

 

Anyway, way longer than I intended that to be. Please take care and I really hope everything calms down soon.

 

- Kaiten

Green-

 

I'm mad at your friends. None of them ever made a mistake? One strike and your out?

 

Friends don't dump friends for making mistakes- espically when you need them the most! After all the stress you've been under?

 

You're a rare one Green. Smart, talented, witty. Sure- you might have an issue or three but who doesn't these days?

 

I think that you did exactly what you should have done about your medical situation: you didn't know if it was bad or not. You didn't tell people because you did not want to cause any undue anxiety. I would, and have, handled a similar situation in exactly the same way.

 

Should you have told Chaz? Maybe- that's a jump ball BUT jump balls don't end the game although they can turn the game.

 

Were I in your circle, first I would have hugged you and said how relieved I was that you are OK. Then I would have quietly mentioned, without fanfare, that your friends are there for you when you're under the gun. That's what they should be good for.

 

I hope some rationality breaks out soon in your world- and with a little time to cool off, I bet it will.

 

 

-JS

 

 

PS- I'm sending flowers!

 

Green ran and hid and even lied, to protect himself. It was his own personal protection mechanism. But, at the time, he didn't know how his running and lying and hiding was affecting others.

 

 

The evidence shows otherwise

 

 

I sat with them today as they all prepared for the party. I helped with everything keeping to myself, I knew I had to get away tonight. Chaz hates when I do this and I could tell he saw it in my face as the party started. He asked me twice if I was alright, I lied and I told him I was. He's probably looking for me right now. I shut off my cell phone.

 

He knew Chaz would hate his running away. And everybody knows that lying to someone is hurtful, particularly if you're in a relationship with them. That honesty & communication are the keys to a healthy relationship is almost axiomatic. He clearly knew what he was doing and did it anyway.

 

Moreover, and this is key, this is far from the first time he's done this. As shown below, he admitted months ago that he's aware of his bottle-things-up-push-people-away coping strategy.

 

 

I will always feel guilty but not for not wanting my friends to see me as weak...

 

...Chaz...said...if I cant trust him then we have nothing. The thing is that this is not about trust. I wouldnt have them as friends if I didnt trust them. This is about not bringing my own troubles into their lives when they already have their own.

 

Despite what you say about trusting your friends, you *don't* trust them. You do not trust him to see you weak and vulnerable, or to see your "ugly parts", as you put it below; you do not trust that he WANTS to share your burdens, because you think he has his own, even though he's told you repeatedly that he does want to; you do not trust that he is CAPABLE of sharing your burdens, because you think he has his own. Chaz is right. Moreover, you KNOW he is right. You said so yourself on November 18, 2005, after running off to be alone after the fight with your father:

 

When Chaz arrived he gave me a huge hug. First thing out of his mouth was this, "You have to let people in. You can't carry this all by yourself."

 

I know he's right it's just that I'm so used to keeping things like this personal. I've always been like this since I was young. I always kept my anger bottled in until it exploded and I reacted by either yelling or throwing my fist. I've lost so many friends that I'm afraid to lose the ones that I do have so I keep things like this to myself. I don't want them to see the ugly parts of me.

 

The other point this raises is that you've known for a long time that your coping strategy of alienation is a habit. Maladaptive habits need to be actively worked on, in order to break them and replace them with more adaptive behaviors. It takes a lot of time and sustained effort, and frequently HELP, which you have to be capable of accepting.

 

 

I am human after all, I'm not claiming to be perfect. Tomorrow I will wake up in an empty bed in an empty house, dealing with the consequences of my life. Ultimately I got what I thought I needed and thats to be alone.

 

Of course no one is perfect. The key is to acknowledge shortcomings and strive to improve. And that's what's lacking: the effort to change, and start opening up. So far, all you've exhibited is defense of your behavior--unapologetic defense of not wanting to appear weak and vulnerable, and brave-faced statements that you'll just have to live with the "consequences of your life" and that you got what you wanted (and therefore want what you got). That kind of digging in your heels is only going to perpetuate things.

 

The point is that things can be different, but only you can decide to make the effort to change yourself. What's it going to take? How much more pain are you going to have to inflict on yourself before you decide to start the effort to change?

 

I don't say this stuff to hurt you or beat you up. I'm actually trying to help. In fact, I feel really bad for you, watching you go through this again and again. It's just that watching you do this over and over, it's apparent that without some kind of jolt, you're going to continue in this pattern, so I speak without mincing words. This is not for any one else's benefit--not Chaz's, not Selene's, not David's, and most certainly not mine. The main beneficiary of a more adaptive coping strategy will be YOU. Best wishes.

Hey Green,

 

I know I won't win any bonus points by saying this, but I pretty much agree with Libonobo, and had I read your last two posts earlier, I likely would have made a very similar though probably less straightfoward and direct reply (I'm not very good at being blunt).

 

You say that you do trust your friends and that this isn't about trust, but that IS how they see it. It's also exactly how I would see it in their shoes. You have to remember that your intentions don't equal their feelings. Also they're clearly more upset and hurt now than if you'd been honest with them all along. I know it seems trivial to use fiction as an example, but you're a fan of Dom's writing yes? Look at all three of his major stories. TOU: Quinn gets himself into a huge predicament and ticks off his friends because he didn't trust them enough to tell them sooner. TLW: Owen and Aiden almost break up because Owen doesn't tell Aiden what his mom said. DD: Look how upset Rory is because no one was leveling with him.

 

People like to be told the truth from those closest to them, even if it's an unpleasent truth, it's just human nature. I'm one of the least "in touch with reality" people you could hope to meet. I make a conscious effort to not know what's going on in the news or with politics because I don't like or need the bad news. Yet even I would still want to know (and expect to know) if someone in my close circle were facing something tough. I understand what you're saying, and it's a noble wish to protect them, but it doesn't seem that that's what they wanted or needed.

 

Also think about the possible results of the tumors. 1) if they hadn't been benign you obviously would have had to tell them and they would have felt pretty much the same way they do now on top of being scared and worried. 2)If you had told them and they'd turned out benign everyone would have taken a big sigh of relief and everything would have been fine. Sure they'd have been more worried for a couple of days but YOU would have recieved the support and love you needed during this time, and they would have felt GOOD for being able to offer it to you, it also might have been a good chance for everyone to be brought closer together.

 

Being in a relationship, any kind of close relationship, is about sharing yourself with the other person. It's about accepting them as they are and being there when they need you. But the flip side is that it requires you to let them do the same.

 

You don't deserve to be alone nor do you deserve to feel guilty. Everyone is right as long as you learn from your mistake and take actions to correct it; everything can ultimately be fine. But don't make the same mistake again, especially with the same people.

 

Your friends seem like amazing people and you're very lucky to have them. It's awesome that Selene is there for you and not mad. David's short lived anger is also wonderful. And the fact that Chaz made the move at all to come up to you and tell you that he needed time to think and then you'd talk, and that he loves you, is truly incredible. This shows how good and forgiving they all are, and that they love you very much, but don't just let them come back if they decided to; win them back. I'd forgive you in an instant myself, but it would require one thing: your assurance that you wouldn't keep stuff like that to yourself anymore, and unlike Chaz I'm not sure I'd be able to approach you at all to give you the chance to hear it. Obviously this is all just my opinion (and how I would feel), but I'd say the best thing you can do is go up to each one of them (track them down, insist that they listen), and say: "look I'm really sorry, I was just trying to protect you but I realize that I messed up. I understand if you can't be with me right now and need your space, but I promise I won't do it again". THEN just wait for them to come to their own decisions, and if they do come back, don't shut them out again.

 

So I feel like a total jerk and I'm really sorry if I've upset or offended you. I promise I only say these things because I want things to work out for you and I feel (whether I'm right or not, who can say) that you needed to hear them. But of course my own intentions don't equal your feelings either so I'm very sorry if I appear insensitive or mean,,,,,,and if it was the wrong thing to do I won't do it again.

 

Anyway I'm really wishing you nothing but the best.

Take care,

Kevin

Green,

 

Think about the things that Libbonodo wrote. I feel he is giving you excellent loving advice. I feel you know communication is your weak point, which is ironic since you are an amazing writer.

 

If you love Chaz and I believe with all my heart that you do love him and he loves you that perhaps you write him...express your love and don't be afraid to ask for an apologize and to know that you will need to earn his respect and trust again.

 

I have this feeling that it comes down to self worth issues. Maybe you don't believe you are worthy of love..I know you know you are but maybe you don't feel that you are and so go into self destruct mode and push everyone away.

 

I believe that you are very worthy of love and being loved and we all are. Since communication (or your lack of communication and expressing your fears, pains, hurts, upset etc.) is an issue...maybe you can do what you do best..write it down...give it to Chaz....and just as he pursued you....if you love him and I believe you do..don't give up and keep pursuing him....I hope that you speak to your therapist and work on your issues...maybe you can involve Chaz with some of your sessions..the same with your friends...I don't speak as a therapist...so I have no idea if that is what needs to be done.

 

You seem to know when you are in self destruct mode...you tell us...why not let Chaz see the blog entries so he knows...if you can't verbally express it..by writing it..it helps him understand and then you can work on your issues together....since they involve him...the same with Selene and your friends David and Robert..

 

you also have had quite a shock to learn about the Liar being your half brother...I do have to say that IMHO your Mother is a saint and your step dad is a cool guy...

 

I am in shock having read what has happened but I am saying my prayers for you....You are an amazing wonderful Guy but so is your Chaz...and your friends...if you don't fight for them, I will agree with Selene and smack you up one side of your head and down the other (even if it is via a blog post)....If you love your Man Chaz..go fight for him...print out the blog entries...give them to him...then write to him and express what you do best..your feelings..it can't hurt...and I am not telling you what to do..just hoping that you know being vulnerable (and how come you can express it in a blog entry but afraid to tell him..well if you can't then at least write it and hand it to him..even as you go on and get your relationship back on track....start expressing yourself...if you can't verbally..then geez, write it and say here...read here)

 

Sending you good karma and hope and love and prayers and hugs and fingers crossed that you will be ok and you and Chaz and Selene and David and Robert find your way back together....Chaz is a keeper and you are too...so hurry up and get busy.....Love ya!

 

Michael