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So what do you want from me!


GREEN

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I want to thank you guys for everything. I am taking everything you guys are taking to heart. Libb You are totally right and I am taking yours to heart most of all. Sometimes you need someone to make yousee how stupid you are and I thank you for that. I thought on everything that was said and I thought back on my previous relationships. I pushed Julio away too. He wanted to be there for me as much as I needed to be there for him but I never let him and look where that ended.

 

I wrote a letter for Chaz and I left it at his dorm. He hasnt contacted me yet so I dont know where we stand. I saw David again and we talked for a little bit. I told him about the liar and he burst out laughing saying that I deserve that. He said the Liar was just as crazy as I am. Then we talked about the tumors. I told him everything I knew. I am getting one removed because it's a little big. He looked alarmed but I told him it was just a precaution.

 

Oddly enough I ran into Rob. I asked him how he was and he told me he was alright then he told me something that threw me for a loop. He said he missed David. He missed him alot and he started crying right before me. He told me that the other guy is out of the picture. I asked him to meet with me later on tonight so we could talk. He said he would.

 

I fell today in class. Right there on the floor I started laughing loudly. People in my class were looking at me like I had four heads. I wish I did because then I could say I was crazy but after all of these days it felt great just to laugh. One of the girls from my class joined me right there on the floor and asked me what was so funny.

 

We struck a converstaion and we went to lunch together. She asked me alot about myself. I told her what I could, I mean she's practicly a stranger. But I like her, she's really cool. Then she introduces me to her friend Steven. Steven is a very open person apparently because he kept grabbing my hands. I was like what do you want from me? Then they asked me if I was single. I told them that I wasnt. I mean what else could I say. I would never do anything this quick or even without knowing exactly where Chaz and I stand.

 

Conversation got lighter and apparently easier from here on. I found out they they were musicians and they had their own group. I was still hung up on why they wanted to know if I was single. I mean it was ovbious but I like that they respected the fact that I told them I wasnt.

 

We talked for about an hour before they had to go back to school. They invited me to their next gig. When i got home my neighbors down the street came by because they heard about the breakup. I told them what happened and they told me almost the same thing you guys said.

 

Chaz still hasnt contacted me but I dont expect that he will today. My father called and we made plans to have dinner soon with the Liar. I am going to go to my mothers house I want to give my mother a hug.

 

GREEN. I have nothing else to say. See ya soon. B)

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Green,

 

Good Karma sent out to you, prayers and hopes said and I am proud of you for reaching out to Chaz, Rob and David. I so hope that Chaz knows he loves you and will reach out to you.

 

I hope your talk with Rob goes well. I also hope your visit with your Dad for dinner goes well and your Mom..well to me she is a living saint. I don't know her(as in know her in person) but I truly love your Mom.

 

Just know that we all love you....and are rooting for you and your Man Chaz:)

 

Where is Selene....I hope she is ok....get that woman to kick both your butts and get you back together in the same room....She is a wise woman.....gotta give her applause and love....she speaks the truth...the good the bad and the ugly of it..but she does speak the truth....now, go get your Man and don't give up...

 

and once you and Chaz are back together again (and you will be) then its just the beginning and you best start talking and communicating and expressing your feelings inside of using your fists and bottling up your feelings or else Selene will have to kick your ass and smack your butt for going back to your old ways..

 

I say we all give her official permission (Not that she needs it..nothing is stopping her regardless of what I or anyone else says) to kick butt, take no prisoners (unless she locks you and Chaz in one room to work out your differences and Rob and David in another for them to do the same thing)

 

Please keep us posted and just know we love ya!! Now, go get your Man...do not pass Go, do not collect your $200.00..no visiting Jails or getting in any for doing dumb ass stuff and bring your Man back to Green Manor....carry him over the threshold..propose and marry him already..or else we will all kick your butt and then some!

 

Michael

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I do have something to say. I thought there might be something to this whole on the ground thing so I took my laptop and I laid down on the ground. I started to write in my own private computer journal. I put in some of the things I had posted on here and I made a timeline of all of my mistakes. I had alot of them some you guys dont even know. There is one that I had forgotten about and that's when I didnt tell anyone that Julio left me.

 

I want to thank you guys for your words. I havent told anybody yet. He never called and I don't expect that he will. I am numb right now. Last night I went through the motions but today I'm just drained. I couldn't even tell my friends I feel like a fool in front of them.

 

I don't know what to do I'm restless. Things are definitely going to change and I don't know if I want to stay in this house. I am going to go away for a couple of days. I need to get away from everything that is my life. I really should be telling my friends but I can't face them after I asked them to give me some space for a week. I'd feel guilty after doing that.

 

I am blowing some of them up to make a poster of my faults. It will be fun, I think.

 

GREEN keeping busy as I am very bored right now.

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I made a timeline of all of my mistakes. I had alot of them some you guys dont even know....I am blowing some of them up to make a poster of my faults. It will be fun, I think.

 

GREEN keeping busy as I am very bored right now.

 

ARGH Green! You don't need to make a catalog compulsively laying out your mistakes. Insight is not the problem here; you already know what's wrong. That's why it's so boring. What you need to do is start working on fixing it.

 

In the other post, I tried to show you the pit you were digging for yourself not so that you could wallow in it, but so that you would be motivated to start climbing out. Obsessing negatively on how you've alienated one boyfriend after another is not going to help you. Really, that's just another form of running away from what you really need to do, which is to figure out positively how you're going to start opening up.

 

If you're honest and really start working on this, it will be a real challenge and anything but boring. You'll probably hate it. Fortunately, you're not starting completely from scratch. You already have some tools--as Rocket pointed out, you express yourself well in writing, if not in person; and you're creative and imaginative. Put these things to work. Think of ways to overcome your fear of letting anyone closer than arm's length...and then bite the bullet and put them into action.

 

Forget the stupid poster of your faults. Instead, start working on what you need to do to be able to relate fully to other people. Start working on what you need to do to be a truly loved and loving human being. Start working on what you need to do to be truly happy.

 

That's what I want from you, in answer to the question in the title of your post. I want for you to be truly happy. But you're the one who has to make it happen.

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I made a timeline of all of my mistakes. I had alot of them some you guys dont even know....I am blowing some of them up to make a poster of my faults. It will be fun, I think.

 

GREEN keeping busy as I am very bored right now.

 

ARGH Green! You don't need to make a catalog compulsively laying out your mistakes. Insight is not the problem here; you already know what's wrong. That's why it's so boring. What you need to do is start working on fixing it.

 

In the other post, I tried to show you the pit you were digging for yourself not so that you could wallow in it, but so that you would be motivated to start climbing out. Obsessing negatively on how you've alienated one boyfriend after another is not going to help you. Really, that's just another form of running away from what you really need to do, which is to figure out positively how you're going to start opening up.

 

If you're honest and really start working on this, it will be a real challenge and anything but boring. You'll probably hate it. Fortunately, you're not starting completely from scratch. You already have some tools--as Rocket pointed out, you express yourself well in writing, if not in person; and you're creative and imaginative. Put these things to work. Think of ways to overcome your fear of letting anyone closer than arm's length...and then bite the bullet and put them into action.

 

Forget the stupid poster of your faults. Instead, start working on what you need to do to be able to relate fully to other people. Start working on what you need to do to be a truly loved and loving human being. Start working on what you need to do to be truly happy.

 

That's what I want from you, in answer to the question in the title of your post. I want for you to be truly happy. But you're the one who has to make it happen.

 

I know and I'm working on them. Ive been trying to contact Chaz. He's my next step right now. He hasnt contacted me about the letter. I went by his dorm earlier only to find out that he went home for the rest of the week. His roommate told me that he had the letter with him. I also found out that he's moving out of the dorms so that has me really concerned. I called his house and they said he was only there for an hour before he took off again. I called his cellphone but I got no wanswer so I left him a message.

 

Right now I really miss him. I dont want to spend another night sleeping in an empty bed without him. I mean we didnt even celebrate valentines day because I messed things up and I want to make it up to him because I cant lose him. Not again.

 

I am meeting with my therapyst tomorrow. So I'm bringing print outs of everything I have posted here. She asked me for them and she said she wanted me to bring my mom also so tomorrow I'm going to have a big day. My mother didn't know I was still seeing my therapyst so you can imagine the shock when she found out. She also wanted me to bring some of my writing. My mother didnt know about this either so she's probably pouring through my website right now reading them.

 

Um David and I are good, well atleast we are talking. He isnt going to move back in but I know were still friends. He's moving the rest of his stuff out tomorrow. He got his own place. He said that it was for the best. Rob never came by so that has me a little on edge. I called him too but I got no answer.

 

GREEN

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