I wasn't out of the closet when I was in high school. Most of my teenage years were really confusing for me. I grew up with a lot of normalized homophobia. Any mention of anything gay was wrong and ridiculed and that was just the way it was. It was so ingrained in me that even I thought being gay was wrong. Boys were meant to be with girls and that was that.

Elementary school was such a fun time for me. I got along with almost everyone and was always known as the "smart" kid. School came easy to me and I've always liked helping people. I had a lot of friends and everyone was always so nice. I remember as a child having crushes on boys and justifying it as just wanting them to be my best friend. Any girls that I became really good friends with were my crushes. I think deep down I was a little worried that I could be gay, but I fought it as much as I could. I thought if I just tried hard enough no one would know.

When I entered my teenage years everything changed. We moved to a city from the suburbs and I had a huge culture shock. I didn't know anyone entering middle school, and for the first time I really felt out of place. I didn't know anyone, and it was really hard to make friends. I eventually made a couple of friends, but it wasn't the same. One day in gym I was changing into my P.E. clothes. This upperclassman came up to me and started asking me if I was gay. I hadn't so much as said a word in that class and it completely caught me off guard. I didn't know what to say so I just stayed quiet. I remember him saying it again, only this time it wasn't a question it was a statement. I still didn't say anything and just kept changing as fast as I could. There weren't a lot of guys in the locker room at that point because class was about to start, but at that moment I felt like the entire world was staring at me and had discovered I was gay. I got out of there as quickly as possible and that was that.

A couple of days later, the same guy corned me in the bathroom. He was loud and obnoxious. I knew he was one of the popular guys and at least 3 years older than me, and honestly scared the crap out of me. He said "hey, you're that gay kid, huh?" I just stared down at the sink as I washed my hands trying to get out there. He didn't let up and said "Hey, don't worry. It's cool. You wanna give me a blowjob?" I could not believe what he was saying, and looking back I'm not sure I even completely understood what he was saying. I was only 11 at the time. I didn't know what jacking off was at that point, let alone what a blowjob could mean. And to say I was naive and innocent is probably an understatement. He continued, "Come on I know you're a fag, let me just whip it out and put it in your mouth for a little bit." That was the first time I ever heard myself referred to as a fag and it scared the shit out of me. Luckily one of the coaches came in at that point and I ran off with my face completely red, I'm sure. After that incident, I was always worried about "looking gay" or "sounding gay." I did my best to act as straight as possible. I think the rest of that year ended up being very lonely because I always questioned everything I did. When I was uncomfortable I ended up just shutting down and getting quiet.

I ended up changing schools after just one year. My new middle school was completely different, luckily. I was expecting to hate it but I remember this guy coming up to me after my first class right away and striking a conversation with me. He introduced himself, and told me he and some guys were thinking about starting a band and that I should join. I remember how easy it was to talk to him right off the bat and he spent the rest of the day introducing me to people. Ivan ended up becoming my best friend for the next couple of years. We never did end up talking about the band again and come to think of it, I don't think there ever was a band. But I'm really grateful to him for putting me at ease and being so friendly to me. I still wasn't out of the closet, but I felt like I belonged. I even dated a couple of girls, and honestly I do feel like I had feelings for them. They just were never sexual. The most we ever did was make out. When one of my girlfriend's friends told me that she wanted to take things to another level, I broke up with her. It's funny thinking back on it now, but I didn't want to risk anyone finding out I was gay. We ended up becoming really close friends afterwards so it all worked out in the end.

Unfortunately, the High School I ended up going to mirrored my first Middle School more than the latter. None of my friends ended up going to the same high school and once again I was alone. It took me a couple of months before I warmed up to anyone. The friends I hung out with were really more acquaintances than anything else. I ate lunch with them. I joined in conversation every now and then. But mostly I just felt really alone. I started realizing more and more that I wasn't going to be able to just turn straight and that frustrated me. I thought if I tried hard enough I could do anything, but no matter what I did I just couldn't stop being gay. In sophomore year, I met my best friend and she was great. We could talk about anything and we just clicked. The beginning of my junior year, I remember walking with her to class one day when she had to go back to her locker to get something. She told me to go on ahead and she'd meet me after class. I was walking alone to my next class when a group of girls came up to me and asked if they could ask me a question. I said sure, even though I was a little confused since I had never seen them before. They then proceeded to ask me if I was gay, because their friend thought I was cute. At that moment my heart stopped. I thought they were playing some prank on me to get me to say I was gay. I must have looked as startled as I felt, because they turned back to look at this really cute guy. At that point, I was certain they were messing with me and practically ran away. Looking back on it now, I don't think that was the case at all. I was so confused about what being gay meant that I never took into consideration that anyone else in my school could possibly be gay. I thought it was this defect I had that was reprehensible and I would never fit in.

During my senior year, I found GA and it completely changed my life. The first stories I ever read were by Comicality, and I remember being so drawn to his stories because they were the fantasy I wished I could live in. I still considered them fantasies though, because no way could anyone be okay with two gay boys being together. Then I found DomLuka. There was something about The Long Way, The Ordinary Us, and Desert Dropping that just resonated with me. For the first time, not only was I happy with reading about gay characters, but I saw myself in these characters. I was immersed in their world and when they felt acceptance, I found acceptance. When they felt love, I found love. I was Owen, I was Quinn, I was Rory. And for the first time, I realized it was okay. It was okay to be gay. I came out to my best friend and when I went to college I was completely out. And I searched for my story.

I recently reread Desert Dropping and it was everything that I remembered it to be. While reading it, a lot of moments came rushing back to me. My first kiss, my first boyfriend. I realized how little I've remembered over the years. I went back through my old emails and reread conversations I've had with people that are no longer in my life. I still look back on them with fond memories. I'm grateful to have had them in my life, even if they aren't here anymore. Then I found this blog that I kept during my early college years. I read through every entry, and remember each one like it was yesterday.

I'm obviously feeling very nostalgic right now, but it's a good nostalgic. Every moment is not going to be great. There are going to be good times and there are going to be bad times. But I want to remember these moments because only then do I think that I'll truly be able to appreciate the value of these moments.