Chaz, I hope your doing ok.

- Kaiten

Chaz and Green,

Hugs to both of you and to Chaz's twin too....I hope everything goes well:)

Good and Peaceful Karma and Prayers and Good thoughts and Hope and Love sent your way:)

Michael

I don't like how things are going with my brother and me. I feel like I am being burdened with stuff I just began to escape from. When I was younger someone tried to get me to do sexual stuff with him. He almost raped me once. This man just recently died and he was such a good friend of the family and since he never got to do anything to me I never said anything. The problem is that my brother just recently remembered about this and he keeps questioning me about it. He wants to know if this is what made me the way I am. This really pisses me off because I am trying to move on from this. For years I felt ashamed and guilty about this and when i came out I finally felt free of it. My brother is just throwing this in my face.

I asked him if it happened to him and he said that it did but he never got to do anything because they were interrupted. I also asked him if he was gay and he just got angry with me and tried to change the conversation, but I couldnt let him do it. I asked him again and he looked at me before saying, "Yeah I'm a f**king fag and I dont like it." This hit me hard. "That man made me gay." I couldn't face him after this so I walked away.

I talked with Green's therapist. I dont like her she knows too much. She saw right through me and I felt like she was ripping me apart. This must be how Green feels when he says that he is drowning because that's exactly how I feel. My mother called and she asked me the same questions. I just want this to be over. My brother is gay and I was wrong. I feel guilty because I could have been there for him too. I feel angry because of the way he feels.

Ugh right now I would take Green's brother over all of this.

Chaz

.....He wants to know if this is what made me the way I am. This really pisses me off because I am trying to move on from this. For years I felt ashamed and guilty about this and when i came out I finally felt free of it. My brother is just throwing this in my face.

 

.....he looked at me before saying, "Yeah I'm a f**king fag and I dont like it." This hit me hard. "That man made me gay." I couldn't face him after this so I walked away.

 

I talked with Green's therapist. I dont like her she knows too much. She saw right through me and I felt like she was ripping me apart. This must be how Green feels when he says that he is drowning because that's exactly how I feel. My mother called and she asked me the same questions. I just want this to be over. My brother is gay and I was wrong. I feel guilty because I could have been there for him too. I feel angry because of the way he feels.

 

Ugh right now I would take Green's brother over all of this.

 

Chaz

He's probably not throwing this in your face to cause you pain as his primary purpose; it's his own shame, guilt, and self-loathing that he's trying to deal with. He wants to know what made you the way you are because he wants to know what made him the way he is. Don't take his "Yeah I'm a f**king fag, and I don't like it" as a condemnation of you any more than it is a condemnation of himself.

When stresses come along, families generally either fall apart or come closer together. They often are too caught up in their immediate response to give any thought to how they react. Don't do that. CHOOSE to become closer to your brother (he is, after all, your identical twin), and become closer to him. Whatever pain you're feeling, he's almost certainly feeling worse. At least you had Green when you came out, and you have some measure of happiness and freedom now. Your brother is many steps behind you, and is handicapped by being a cold personality (or at least, he CAN be cold to people), which means he has less of a support network than you do.

At any rate, call him to reassure him that you didn't walk away from him because you rejected him for being gay, but because the combination of sympathetic pain and remembrance of your own pain was too much.

Eventually, the emotional pain will pass for both of you; but if you share the burden, it can go faster, and maybe bring you closer together. My sincerest best wishes to you.

Chaz,

I am not a therapist....Your twin has a lot of issues...and it appears to me that his claims that the guy made him Gay is either based upon your twin's ignorance on the issue (as we all know we are not made Gay by anything other then genetics) or in his mind a rationalization since that the man made him Gay because your twin has self esteem and self loathing issues and has not come to terms to accept that he is Gay, was molested as a boy and somehow in his mind its easier to blame you.

Maybe its best to get your own therapist. When I was in therapy, I chose a Gay therapist. It was for me safety issues and comfort zone issues. I knew that I wouldn't feel comfortable discussing my issues with a straight therapist or even a female therapist (my issues ranged from and include co dependency and many child hood issues, self esteem, self worth issues, acceptance of myself as being Gay and how I feel my family treated because of it, etc.) Fortunately, like you, I feel so alive and comfortable in my skin now as a Gay Man...I can't say I always felt that way...it was a long journey begun with many tiny steps.

I do hope that you have nothing to do with your twin's issues. You didn't cause him to be Gay (he clearly has self loathing issues to me when I hear him bitterly complain that he is a "faggot" caused because of what the family friend did to him.)

Remember to be there for your twin...offer him support, explain how you came to terms with accepting that you are Gay...that you, Green and your friends offer a support group for him..that there are Gay support groups to reach out and offer him help. As Libodono said, you can use this to bring you closer to your twin and he to you. Maybe its the barrier/brick wall that has come crashing down now and you and he can be drawn closer and it will take time but its a good start to reach out tell him that you love him, are here for him and will do all you can to help him as he comes Out and comes to terms with his own self acceptance and self awareness as a Gay man.

For you, I hope that you can find a good therapist (and yeah, I agree one you chose and not Green's...not seeking to knock Green's therapist but its his and you need to feel very comfortable of one of your own chosing)

I hope your twin finds the therapy he needs. You can only be there for him but I stress this (and I am not a therapist) but and its a big BUT you need to take care of yourself first and foremost. Your twin's issues are his and NOT yours so don't make his stuff yours or feel you are responsible for his issues. YOU most certainly are NOT and take that from this co dependent who took many many years to learn that...my stuff is mine and its not healthy for me (or for anyone) to take on anyone's issues (no less family members)

I just wish I could do more and say more that would make sense. But I can offer hugs and good thoughts and remember your twin took a first big step, he admitted he is Gay....the journey of a life time begins in small one step at a time....he will have far to journey but its his to do at his pace...yours is yours...you have a wonderful relationship with Green (and I still say your twin looks at you and Green with longing in his heart to have what you and Green have..a happy loving committed Gay relationship...one he hopes for but I am betting can't express so when added to his own issues it comes out (no pun intended) in one huge messy mess of anger, angst, longing to no longer live a lie and so on. Hence, his statement that he would pretend to be you so he can trick or fool Green to me his way of saying he wants a Green in his life....a boyfriend to love as you and Green love each other.

Just remember......deep breaths...maybe have your twin read one of Dom's stories....Your twin seems to be having a Quinn moment so maybe start him with The Ordinary Us......maybe he can find comfort and knowledge in it. I am sure there are all sorts of websites to help him with his Coming Out Process and coming to terms with self acceptance.

Chaz, just know....you did nothing wrong (to borrow a phrase from The Ordinary Us) and there is nothing wrong with you and maybe your twin can hopefully see there is nothing wrong with him and that he is going to be ok.

Love and Hugs and Peace sent your way:)

Michael

Chaz...Hugs and tears...for you and your brother and me and everyone who has been sexually abused or asaulted when they were kids.

Sexual abuse and rape is a power trip. The person (or persons) that does it, is just trying to exert some sort of power over the people they hurt. The thing is, no matter how far they go (for want of a better term) or what they do, it still affects their victim. And that means, just because you or your brother weren't physically raped, you were still sexaully and physically abused and you thought you would be raped, and that is emotional and mental abuse.

This man abused you and your brother physically and emotionally, he abused your family's trust and he abused the name of family friend. And even though he is dead, he is still wielding a form of power over you and over your brother. You know he can't hurt you anymore but the memories of what he has done, still hurts. It's like a knife to the gut, it has been there so long that you have learnt to live with the pain and then something happens and the knife twists and it hurts more than the first time, because you relive it again...all in glorious technicolour. And you are older, so you understand more...and then the knife twists again.

Okay...now that you have acknowledged it, you have to decide what to do next. A think a good therapist or counsellor is a great idea. You need to learn how to take the knife out and how to take away the power of this man....it might hurt a lot to get the knife out and it will take some time to deal with all the internal damage, but the alternative is leaving it there and being in pain forever. If you feel uncomfortable with Greens therapist, go to another. And if you aren't comfortable with that one, keep going until you find one you are comfortable with and who you can trust.

Your brother is dealing with his pain too. But he doesn't have a support network around him to help him cope and so he is dealing with it the best way he can and that means for him, lashing out. This is a really bad analagy, so please forgive me...when a dog is hurt, he will snap and growl and try to bite the one person who is reaching out to help him. He doesn't know what else to do because he is in so much pain. I think that is what your brother is doing...snapping and growling and biting because he doesn't know what else to do. I don't think your brother even realises what he is doing...

If he will listen to you, you might be able to convice him to see someone too. You know, seeing a therapist doesn't mean you are crazy...it means you are sane because you realise you need a little help.

More hugs and more tears for us. And one day, we will all be able to say together, "I am no longer a victim, I am a survivor!'

Bev

for Green and for Chaz

Tob

...Well I must say I'm really moved and upset having read this post and the comments. So first off

Chaz

Bev

Michael

I know it's cheesy and "virtual" but I really mean it. And I'm really so sorry for what you guys have been through

I have nothing to add, Chaz, you've already recieved quite a bit of excellent advice from the above posts.

warmest wishes and support,

Kevin

Chaz,

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. This has got to be so mind numbingly confusing for all of you right now. The best I can do is give you and Green an on-line hug and say that I'm wishing good thoughts for you all.

- Kaiten