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Disphoria

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LillyLee

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uggggg.....

 

Going to the in-laws this weekend.

I'm not out to them or that side of the family.

Don't plan on it either (at least not in the foreseeable future).

 

I have been wearing a binder just about everyday for almost a month now, all men's clothes (and accessories and deodorant ect), even at work.

 

Even just packing from me "girls" side of my dresser is making me feel uncomfortable. Trying to find the balance between 'comfortable and ME' and 'feminine enough to avoid any awkward questions' is stressful. I mean I've known them for over 7 years and I've always dressed 'tomboy' so it's not like they will expect me to show up in a skirt but with my hair being so much shorter and styled in a very masculine cut I feel pressured to dress extra feminine to counter act it. I'm feeling slightly disphoric just picking clothes out of my dresser knowing I'm going to be wearing them. Trying them on to see if they even fit (comfortably enough to wear) feels shitty. 

 

Also they have a pool, and there is a big BBQ tomorrow so we spend all day outside by the pool. OMG BATHING SUITES SUCK.

I feel anxious and stressed (and I'm sitting here in a pair of boxer briefs and a muscle shirt) just thinking abut it.

This weekend is going to suck.

 

I'm also a little nervous about the hubby's reaction. He has been so amazing and supportive about this whole thing. It wasn't much of a change because I usually dressed masculine at home anyways. But it's been a while since hes seen me 'girl' I'm worried he's going to realize how much he refers it and misses it. I'm worried he won't be so cool once we come home and I go back to being ME. Chest binder and mens clothes. 

 

Ugg I have to wear a real bra! I've been wearing sports bras when ever i wasn't binding since May this is going to be so weird.   

 

just... fml....

 

okay, rant over. 

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