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Wayne Gray

Entry posted by Wayne Gray

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Warning: If relationships that include sex with others apart from committed partners offends you then skip this entry.

Like so many of us who have a non-hetero identity, I've done a lot of research on sexuality.  I've also researched for stories I write (particularly the one I'm currently posting, Camp Refuge).  One that I discovered while researching was demisexuality.  Here's urban dictionary's definition of it, and it works pretty well.  https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Demisexual

In my younger days I had a lot of fun with many partners over the years (thank you, US Navy).  I never had any issues having sex with people I met for weekends in Seattle, or with other sailors.  It was all fun, physically satisfying, and a simple physical release.  No connection was needed or wanted on anybody's part.

Now, after nine years of being with my husband, we've opened things up.  We include others when we're comfortable, and I get a lot of joy watching my husband have a great time with others.  But... I don't often get to join.  Objectively, I can look at these men and say to myself "Yes, they're handsome by societal standards.  Hot, even."  But there's no... fire for me.  It seemed my days of just hooking up were gone.

Then Sam happened.  We met Sam in August, and we were both interested in him.  Sam showed a lot of interest in both of us, but I felt as if he focused a bit more on me.  I wanted so badly to make things happen with him, and... after a while, they did.  But he had to be patient, sweet, and thoughtful.  He was all of that.  When we said goodbye to him later, he asked if he could see us again.  Mind you, he lives three hours south of us on a farm.  So, that he'd ask was a happy surprise.

He came back in September and this time he spent the whole weekend.  I found myself trusting him a bit more, reassured by his continued patience; as a result, things were firing on all cylinders.  At the end of his visit, he asked again if he could come see us.

He's due back next week.  We're excited to see him, and more, I'm pretty sure he has taught me something about myself.

Between Sam's visits, my husband and I have enjoyed the company of other men.  I truly do enjoy them, but mainly that enjoyment comes from watching my husband have a great time.

Sam is different.  I can be with him in a similar way that I do my husband, and that made me wonder.  I wonder if I could have slowly shifted to need that emotional connection before I can really physically enjoy someone.  Can a person go from homosexual to DemiGay?  https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=DemiGay That's not an official sexuality, but it fits. 

It's a lot to think through, it's a lot to consider.

But, I do know this: I'm really looking forward to next week.

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Mikiesboy

Mikiesboy 143,938

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As someone who is married and we see other men from time to time, i understand this.  For whatever reason, if you are okay with everything as it is, it is normal for you.

It took me a long time to be okay with it. But i can truly say now that i am. It is something we share, never done apart.

If you and your husband are okay, if you are truly happy as things are, then more power to you, my friend. xo

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Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray 41,787

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17 minutes ago, Mikiesboy said:

As someone who is married and we see other men from time to time, i understand this.  For whatever reason, if you are okay with everything as it is, it is normal for you.

It took me a long time to be okay with it. But i can truly say now that i am. It is something we share, never done apart.

If you and your husband are okay, if you are truly happy as things are, then more power to you, my friend. xo

Thanks, tim.  I think it bothers many - the stretching of the definition of "happily married".  But I am.  It took a lot of trust and work for us to get here, but it was worth the effort.  It ended up teaching me things about myself, my husband, and our life together.

I'm glad you're on your own journey.  Thanks for sharing too.  xo

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Fae Briona

Fae Briona 7,374

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We (humans in general) really like things to fit in nice, neat, orderly boxes. Most of the time, they don't. Be happy, and ***** labels.  ♥️

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MichaelS36

MichaelS36 25,662

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I agree with my husband. If you guys feel things are right for you, then that's all that matters. 

Honesty is important if people want to do this. You need to talk about how you feel. It's not always easy. Working through jealousy can be done but it needs to be taken seriously and worked through sensitively. 

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Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray 41,787

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2 minutes ago, Fae Briona said:

We (humans in general) really like things to fit in nice, neat, orderly boxes. Most of the time, they don't. Be happy, and ***** labels.  ♥️

Thanks, Fae.  You're right.  I want to be able to describe myself in a few words, to show I "belong".  It's thanks to that need to fit into those boxes.

But, DemiGay will never quite describe me.  And that's all right.  🙂

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Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray 41,787

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6 minutes ago, MichaelS36 said:

I agree with my husband. If you guys feel things are right for you, then that's all that matters. 

Honesty is important if people want to do this. You need to talk about how you feel. It's not always easy. Working through jealousy can be done but it needs to be taken seriously and worked through sensitively. 

Thanks, Mike.  I do feel things are right, and Kevin seems to as well.  We talk a lot about it, check in periodically, just to make sure things are all right with us both and us as husbands.

You're absolutely right.  You have to be honest, you have to respect one another, and you've got to be clear when things aren't going the way you want them to go.  It's the only way this can possibly work.

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rickproehl

rickproehl 11,876

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As a single man I want to also play with other singles. I for one don’t like to play with people that are married. I know I have in the past but I was the “other person” in a messy divorce. I vowed then and there to try not to get into that mess again. 
If both parties agree to this and they both are active then why should you be limited. The worse part of any relationship is the lying and being with someone and not tell the other one.

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Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray 41,787

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4 minutes ago, rickproehl said:

As a single man I want to also play with other singles. I for one don’t like to play with people that are married. I know I have in the past but I was the “other person” in a messy divorce. I vowed then and there to try not to get into that mess again. 
If both parties agree to this and they both are active then why should you be limited. The worse part of any relationship is the lying and being with someone and not tell the other one.

Yep, those situations are messy as hell.

There has to be agreement, transparency, and communication between everyone involved.  It's just the way I choose to live.

Thanks, rick.

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rickproehl

rickproehl 11,876

Posted

Now we are being honest I guess I can share mine now. Steve and i are getting a long great. We both have a sexual history and we were having a honest conversation. i knew that Steve has helped a “boi” in the past his name is jeff. jeff is in prison for 2 more years. So this is the honest part. Steve/i are still boyfriends. Our roles are fluid and enjoyable. Steve had the same relationship with jeff. 

Steve is trying to get jeff to be paroled in his care with a job as a health aid. When jeff is at the house they will resume their relationship again. 

This is at least a year away. 

Steve has express to me we are still going to boyfriends no matter what happens. 

We had a honest conversation and Steve ask me my thoughts. my question was does jeff make You happy?  and he said “yes” He then stated that i also make him “happy.”

So I told Steve there is your answer

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Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray 41,787

Posted

@rickproehl, well I think that goes to show a simple truth, spoken above already by @Fae Briona.  You can't put people or relationships in a box.  If everyone is getting what they need, then that's enough.

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Thorn Wilde

Thorn Wilde 27,002

Posted (edited)

I've come to the conclusion that I'm demi-bi. I have a definite preference for men, sexually speaking. I can be attracted to women, too, but in order for there to be a strong sexual attraction there has to be a strong emotional connection as well. With men, I can be super into no strings attached fun. With women, that's not really so interesting. Interestingly, purely aesthetically I find women more pleasing to the eye. Until sexual attraction is involved, lol!

I'm glad you and your husband are having fun with Sam. He sounds like a great guy, from what you've told me. :) 

Edited by Thorn Wilde
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Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray 41,787

Posted

6 hours ago, Thorn Wilde said:

I've come to the conclusion that I'm demi-bi. I have a definite preference for men, sexually speaking. I can be attracted to women, too, but in order for there to be a strong sexual attraction there has to be a strong emotional connection as well. With men, I can be super into no strings attached fun. With women, that's not really so interesting. Interestingly, purely aesthetically I find women more pleasing to the eye. Until sexual attraction is involved, lol!

I'm glad you and your husband are having fun with Sam. He sounds like a great guy, from what you've told me. :) 

It's pretty wild, the variety possible, and your experience is another example of that.  Thanks for your comments!  I think the more people see things like this the more they'll realize that they're not strange, or weird, or whatever.  Being different is the norm!  As counter-intuitive as that is, I firmly believe that now.

Yeah.  Sam's awesome.  He's a lot of fun for us both, and he happens to be a great guy too.  Win-win!

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Hawgdad

Hawgdad 1,117

Posted

 

Several times I have had guys on gay hook-up sites tell me they were just looking for friends.  No problem.  But when I tell them that husband and I have better luck having fuck buddies turn into friends as well it always seems to confound them.  A name for that,  who knows.  As I think about it, I don't have to have a lot of connection to play with someone but I WON'T play with someone I don't like or don't trust.

Tom

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Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray 41,787

Posted

1 minute ago, Hawgdad said:

Several times I have had guys on gay hook-up sites tell me they were just looking for friends.  No problem.  But when I tell them that husband and I have better luck having fuck buddies turn into friends as well it always seems to confound them.  A name for that,  who knows.  As I think about it, I don't have to have a lot of connection to play with someone but I WON'T play with someone I don't like or don't trust.

Tom

This happened to me when I was younger.  Hook-ups turned into friends.  Weirdly, when that happened we often stopped messing around and just stayed friends.  Now it's the opposite!

I think that's just smart - avoiding sex with guys you don't like/trust.  Back in my wilder days, I had a lot of fun with guys I didn't know at all.  That really has shifted for me.

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rickproehl

rickproehl 11,876

Posted

1 minute ago, Wayne Gray said:

This happened to me when I was younger.  Hook-ups turned into friends.  Weirdly, when that happened we often stopped messing around and just stayed friends.  Now it's the opposite!

I think that's just smart - avoiding sex with guys you don't like/trust.  Back in my wilder days, I had a lot of fun with guys I didn't know at all.  That really has shifted for me.

Wayne I also had a wilder time when I was younger. I love to go cruising to the local parks and it wasn’t uncommon to have more than 4-6 guys in a session. i’m like you i had a few guys I played with and we stopped playing and became friends and I still have them as friends today after 30 years. The fun time now is to see some of my old partners figure out how they knew me from our past encounters. i work with a guy a few years back and he swore he knew me but didn’t remember when and where. I knew immediately but didn’t tell him. 3 weeks passed  and he finally remembered and we are now good friends. We laugh about the encounters we had. 

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Hawgdad

Hawgdad 1,117

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Oh yeah....  and "no show" is the kiss of death.  Guess those turn into don't likes.

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Hawgdad

Hawgdad 1,117

Posted

2 minutes ago, rickproehl said:

Wayne I also had a wilder time when I was younger. I love to go cruising to the local parks and it wasn’t uncommon to have more than 4-6 guys in a session. i’m like you i had a few guys I played with and we stopped playing and became friends and I still have them as friends today after 30 years. The fun time now is to see some of my old partners figure out how they knew me from our past encounters. i work with a guy a few years back and he swore he knew me but didn’t remember when and where. I knew immediately but didn’t tell him. 3 weeks passed  and he finally remembered and we are now good friends. We laugh about the encounters we had. 

Yep...   husband and I were park hos back in the day.   We met tricking in a park.

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Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray 41,787

Posted

4 minutes ago, rickproehl said:

Wayne I also had a wilder time when I was younger. I love to go cruising to the local parks and it wasn’t uncommon to have more than 4-6 guys in a session. i’m like you i had a few guys I played with and we stopped playing and became friends and I still have them as friends today after 30 years. The fun time now is to see some of my old partners figure out how they knew me from our past encounters. i work with a guy a few years back and he swore he knew me but didn’t remember when and where. I knew immediately but didn’t tell him. 3 weeks passed  and he finally remembered and we are now good friends. We laugh about the encounters we had. 

Haha.  Yep!  That's great that you can hang onto him as a friend.  I guess that worked out great.  🙂

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