Warning:  This is me whining, but trying to get my thoughts in order by writing them out. I left work early today not knowing if I was going to start screaming or crying; or just start doing both.

This week has not been a good one. The weather keeps shifting back and forth by large jumps so the joints can't get back in balance before the next front hits. This is keeping my pain level above normal, and that is increasing my depression, and that is increasing my level of irritation.

Partly because of this and partly -- I think -- because of the increased feelings for SP, C has been on my mind a lot the last few days.  SP knows something is up because he reminded me he was there if I needed to talk. I wasn't going to because I don't want him to think he's competing for my love with a ghost, but I'm finding that to be deceitful; lies of omission. So I've decided I need to talk to him about C being in my dreams and how that relates to our beginnings. I'm pretty sure that SP will understand where these things are coming from. I've already said that my love for C will always be there. That won't fade as my love for SP grows, and he is aware of that. He actually brought up polyamory, and that is what led to that conversation. It's nice to be dating someone who is open to the idea of polyamory and the possibility of finding a third -- for the long term -- once our foundation is set.  I Will Love You by Gin Wigmore came on this morning and I thought I was going to break down in my office - "So if you die before I do, I know the heartache will kill me too.  So if I ever live again, It will be to find you."

My brother sent a txt this afternoon telling me to call him when I had a chance.  He never does that so I knew it wasn't good news.  They brought dad from Skilled Nursing back to where he's been living for the last 9 years. Both my brother and I thought his memory would be better once he was back in familiar surroundings, but...    doesn't look like it's going to be. He really didn't remember the building. He remembered the tractor in front of his door and a few other things but asked if he had lived there before. He didn't quite remember the person who's been cleaning his room for the last several years (who was sweet enough to come see him when he was in the hospital).  Dad's also lost weight (11 pounds), which isn't good, and he's not as strong walking as he has been just a few days ago.  Something is still wrong with his back. Nothing is broken but there's still too much pain for there to be nothing wrong.  He did ask my sister in law if "this place can take care of my needs" so there is some self-recognition that he is going to need help.   A good chance he'll be moved either to Assisted Living or Nursing Home in the morning.  I know my brother is bothered by this, as am I; but it's the best thing for him. I need to try to call my brother back and get more info. He had to hang up when we were talking this afternoon because dad needed something.

I hope to see SP tonight, but it probably won't be until tomorrow.  I know I'm a mental mess at the moment. I need him but, at the same time, am afraid of letting him see me in this mental state.