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(This is dedicated to Carl) Your face is fading from my memory Your form Dispersing In the cold winter night In the condensations on the grass that look like teardrops And my vision is blurred Fin ©asamvav111

It is done. They were able to place my Boy's headstone yesterday. C's sis sent me an email at almost midnight last night that I didn't see until lunch today. It looks good. It feels.... relief? I had really wanted / needed it to be installed before his birthday on Monday, and was afraid they weren't going to be able to do it because of the weather. His sis was wanting it done before his birthday as well. If the state doesn't wash away, I'll go down on Monday for his birthday, and be able to look at it first hand. 💔

SP and I bought promise / engagement rings today. His is 10mm wide - 6mm black band in the center, with two small silver bands on the outside, spaced slightly off the main ring; mine is a 6mm black band. It was good. We did not go to the cemetery today like I had originally thought I would. The last two years I had very strong "intuition" on what day and time I should be there. This year... nothing. That really upset me yesterday; then felt bad about being upset about it when SP and I are almost at our 6-month anniversary (the 27th -- which is also C's birthday -- which hasn't helped any). I think that lack of "intuition" was C's way of telling me to let him go. Not entirely of course, I'll always love him, but I can't look back and look forward too. Times, like yesterday, I still feel very torn by my emotions towards my Boy and my Darling; my past, and [hopefully] my future.

My brother got dad moved into his new facility yesterday -- or, more accurately, watched as staff got him moved. Sent me a pic of the room through the window; looks nice from what I could see. Said dad was able to walk [using a walker] from the car to his room, but also asked if he would still be in the Army. 😢 Dad's not been in the Army since the end of WWII. Hoping that by the time SP and I am able to get up there to see him he still remembers who I am. It's been very upsetting and I'm glad to have SP by my side supporting me emotionally through this.

Warning: This is me whining, but trying to get my thoughts in order by writing them out. I left work early today not knowing if I was going to start screaming or crying; or just start doing both. This week has not been a good one. The weather keeps shifting back and forth by large jumps so the joints can't get back in balance before the next front hits. This is keeping my pain level above normal, and that is increasing my depression, and that is increasing my level of irritation. Partly because of this and partly -- I think -- because of the increased feelings for SP, C has been on my mind a lot the last few days. SP knows something is up because he reminded me he was there if I needed to talk. I wasn't going to because I don't want him to think he's competing for my love with a ghost, but I'm finding that to be deceitful; lies of omission. So I've decided I need to talk to him about C being in my dreams and how that relates to our beginnings. I'm pretty sure that SP will understand where these things are coming from. I've already said that my love for C will always be there. That won't fade as my love for SP grows, and he is aware of that. He actually brought up polyamory, and that is what led to that conversation. It's nice to be dating someone who is open to the idea of polyamory and the possibility of finding a third -- for the long term -- once our foundation is set. I Will Love You by Gin Wigmore came on this morning and I thought I was going to break down in my office - "So if you die before I do, I know the heartache will kill me too. So if I ever live again, It will be to find you." My brother sent a txt this afternoon telling me to call him when I had a chance. He never does that so I knew it wasn't good news. They brought dad from Skilled Nursing back to where he's been living for the last 9 years. Both my brother and I thought his memory would be better once he was back in familiar surroundings, but... doesn't look like it's going to be. He really didn't remember the building. He remembered the tractor in front of his door and a few other things but asked if he had lived there before. He didn't quite remember the person who's been cleaning his room for the last several years (who was sweet enough to come see him when he was in the hospital). Dad's also lost weight (11 pounds), which isn't good, and he's not as strong walking as he has been just a few days ago. Something is still wrong with his back. Nothing is broken but there's still too much pain for there to be nothing wrong. He did ask my sister in law if "this place can take care of my needs" so there is some self-recognition that he is going to need help. A good chance he'll be moved either to Assisted Living or Nursing Home in the morning. I know my brother is bothered by this, as am I; but it's the best thing for him. I need to try to call my brother back and get more info. He had to hang up when we were talking this afternoon because dad needed something. I hope to see SP tonight, but it probably won't be until tomorrow. I know I'm a mental mess at the moment. I need him but, at the same time, am afraid of letting him see me in this mental state.

Today, January 27th 2020, marks the 75th Anniversary of the Liberation of Auschwitz; 1.1 million died there - Jewish, gay, Roma, and others. https://dynaimage.cdn.cnn.com/cnn/q_auto,w_634,c_fill,g_auto,h_357,ar_16:9/http%3A%2F%2Fcdn.cnn.com%2Fcnnnext%2Fdam%2Fassets%2F190614214813-auschwitz-exhibition-6-shoes.jpg

I'm not really a writer - things pop into my heat now and then and demand to be written down, but not good otherwise; and at the moment there's too many competing emotions to make any coherent statement. So I'm going to do what I've done before, and use a selection of song lyrics to express my feelings on this -- both my birthday, today, and the 1-yr anniversary of the loss of my boy at the end of the week. Kind of traces my emotions from the beginning or our relationship, and the hesitancy he had for so long because he'd been hurt so bad, to grief, to (not quite yet) healing: 1 -------------------- Please let me try to I can heal the pain That you're feeling inside Whenever you want me You know that I will be Waiting for the day That you say you'll be mine He must have really hurt you To make you say the things that you do He must have really hurt you To make those pretty eyes look so blue Now you can't see my love is good And that I'm not him 2 -------------------- There's a big old hole in the middle of you 'Cause somebody left you black and blue Yeah we all make promises we can't keep And they're paper thin but cut so deep One day we're together then we're apart Why won't you let me fill up your empty heart 3 -------------------- I never cried the way I cried over you As I put down the telephone and the world it carried on As I watch the sun go down, watching the world fade away All the memories of you come rushing back to me All I want to do is kiss you once goodbye, goodbye 4 ------------------- I don't want to swim the ocean, I don't want to fight the tide, I don't want to swim forever, When it's cold I'd like to die. 5 -------------------- 'Cause I'm gonna be free and I'm gonna be fine (Maybe not tonight) 6. -------------------- When you feel you've had enough From this world that's giving up on you On you... Sometimes we can relax walking through the fire And when it all turns to dust We'll watch the ashes light up and we'll rise We'll rise And we'll be fine (And we'll be, And we'll be) (And we'll be, And we'll be) ================================== Not quite to the point of "being fine", but I know I'll get there - if only because my boy would want me to. 1) Heal the Pain, George Michael; 2) Empty Heart, Grace Potter; 3) For a Friend, The The Communards / Jimmy Somerville; 4) When It's Cold I'd Like to Die, Moby, 5) Delilah, Florence+The Machine, 6) We'll be Fine, Rebecca Ferguson

Took today and Monday off. I'm not making it to Joplin for the Tri-State Gem & Mineral event because of unexpected car repairs but I did drive down to the same town C & I were at when we spent an entire afternoon wandering through antique stores. There were a couple of moments where his loss threatened to sneak up on me, but I tried to focus on the fun we had that afternoon -- the brief moments holding hands, the quick pat an the ass when we where out of sight of other customers -- the good memories to keep. I know that the first part of November isn't going to be good. I have a feeling that memories of his passing are going to overwhelm any thoughts of my 50th birthday; but I know he doesn't want me to be hurting.

Went to the Allergist this morning for the first time, and had the full 61-stick test. Results of what it says I am -- and am not -- allergic too don't match my life experience. Things it says I'm barely allergic too are things that are guaranteed to make me sick when they get high. We'll take the new stuff, see how it goes, and go back in about a month. Hate it when a song sneaks up on you and clubs you over the head with emotion. Had Pandora playing, and Gin Wigmore's, "I Will Love You" started playing: So if you die before I do, I know the heartache Will kill me too So if I ever live again, It will be to find you My Boy has been on my mind a lot the last few days. Not sure why. 💔

Woke up early this morning (too early for a Saturday [ah - just remembered re-reading this that I need to reset my alarm!]) and drove up to attend my Aunt's Memorial service. Took mom so she wouldn't have to ride with my brother -- that and I have a handicap sticker. The slideshow / video her oldest boy made with a bit of help from my brother was nice. Could have done without the ministers congregational recruitment blah blah that I found a bit out of place and inappropriate for the situation. Was a short but lovely service. Mom managed to get through it ok. Had a little dinner afterwards, provided by the "ladies of the church" in an attached building. Had a few short chats with those cousin's I knew I wouldn't want to strangle, then took mom home, swung by to see dad on my way out of town and wish him a Happy Father's Day, then came home. Heavy rains coming in over night with possibly damaging winds (70-80mph), possibly tennis ball sized hail, and -- because everything is still saturated and full -- another chance of flooding.

Hello GA! As many of you know, we've recently lost one of our own. Nathan89 was a valuable and special friend who touched many people's hearts. In chat, we were thinking of a way to remember him and do something in his memory. Making a donation in his name was suggested. To that end, I'm creating this thread to memorialize not only Nathan, but for all of the special people in our lives. For example, I recently lost my grandfather, a man who had inspired me throughout my life. He, like Nathan, had an especially large heart. Another loss to my life this year was a young, closeted man I knew in college. He recently lost his fight with depression. There was another man who helped save my life in 2002. I wish I could have done the same for him. So what I'd like to suggest is that we remember these special people by posting a few sentences about what they mean/meant to us and include a link to the charity which received the donation in their name(s). Here's mine: Donation to GLADD 07/07/12: For my grandfather and my friends, may you continue to inspire me! For those not certain which charities to donate to, I'll include a list of ones I've found. If you have one to suggest, please PM me and I'll happily add it. I'll especially need help with international organizations. Currently, we cannot donate directly to GA. Myr tells me there's some issues with that, but I'll add directions for that if the chance arises. Don't forget that a subscription to GA's premium services helps the site and is only $8 (approximately). I do not ask you to state how much you donated, as that is private. Some of us can afford to donate a hundred bucks or more and some of us only a dollar. Please do not use this thread as a way to guilt or shame others. This is merely to remind ourselves of our loved ones in a positive way. Some suggested GLBT-friendly charities: Astraea Lesbian Foundation for Justice -- addressing "the lack of funding for women-specifically lesbians and women of color." Gay & Lesbian Leadership Institute -- tracking and training the future gay leaders of tomorrow. GLAAD -- by ensuring that the stories of LGBT people are heard through the media, GLAAD promotes understanding, increases acceptance, and advances equality. Gay-Straight Alliance Network -- a youth leadership organization that connects school-based Gay-Straight Alliances (GSAs) to each other and community resources to support young people. The Point Foundation -- providing financial support, mentoring, leadership training and hope to meritorious students who are marginalized due to sexual orientation, gender identity or gender expression. The Trevor Project -- the leading national organization providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and questioning youth.

For the past ten years you have lived your life day by day never really knowing who you were. Today on the way home you stopped for coffee and as the man handed it to you it spilled on your hand. Just like that the wall cracked and you slowly begin to remember who you are. What is your story?