I Believe...
I'm scared.
It was bound to happen soon and now it did. Basically I just realized (well just felt) that in slightly over a month I'll be moving to a new city. Hundreds of miles from anyone I know. I won't have (or at least don't yet have) a job. I'll be all but broke having payed for the move and the first month's bills and deposits. And I won't even have an officially structured way to meet new people (like school, or work....well until I find a job).
A little under two years ago my truck suddenly gave out on me. It wouldn't have been economical to have it repaired, so I had to find a new one. My mom and grandfather found me a good deal on this truck in my home town. It had everything I wanted, was only a couple of years old with under 25,000 miles, and it was in my price range. There was just one problem; it was a standard. I'd never even been behind the wheel of one before. But I didn't have time to keep shopping around and it was definitely the best deal. So I took it. I got behind the wheel and, having gotten extensive instruction from several of my stick-driving friends, and with my grandfather sitting in the passenger seat talking me through it; I confidently drove it off the lot without even killing it. Of course I then got stuck at a stop sign on the way home and COULD NOT get it to go, but that's okay. I practiced for awhile and then drove the sucker 70+ miles back home. Nevermind that when I got it home it took me 5 tries to park without dying before I could get in, or, alternatively, rolling back out of the space; I did it. I just went into the situation and handled it.
I haven't really failed that often. Offhand I can't think of anything that's really mattered that I've really tried at and failed. I make mistakes, I have to try harder, revise my game plan, whatever, but if I really try I usually get it right in the end. When I was a kid I internalized most of those silly aphorisms you hear growing up. All that, "you can be anything you set your mind to" and I really bought the whole "happy ending" thing. I mean I know bad things happen. I know that some people are just mean and hateful, even evil perhaps. And yet I choose to believe that everyone I meet does have something good in them, some redeeming qualities. So far I haven't met anyone I'd say was completely devoid (or even somewhat devoid) of goodness.
I believe life's a great big self-fulfilling prophecy....And I believe in happy endings
I am naive, a little out of touch with reality, and probably unrealistically hopeful; and I'll have you know that's taken quite a bit of work to maintain and, at times, reacquire. I believe in life. I believe in happy endings. And I believe in myself.
So I'll move to a new city. I'll be broke. I'll fall in love with someone and get hurt. I'll make new friends and I'll lose some of them. I'll be rejected. I'll be lonely. I'll be stressed out and worn down. I'll regret moving in the first place...
...And I'll live.
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