Thank you Demetz.

Thank you for sharing, thank you for speaking up in some way, and thank you for being brave enough to do something that must be so hard for you...to share.

There are moments in all of our lives where we exhibit the traits of a coward, to run away, to hide, to ignore the pain our lives have given us, and to pretend that everything is normal. Moments are all they are though...mere moments, not the definition of our lives. A true coward would never have posted this, a true coward would never have reached out like this. You are not a coward.

I am not a professional counselor, but there are people out there who can and will help you. A good starting point might be: http://www.glnh.org/index2.html

One thing I am quite certain of, and I don't care if you've heard it before because you can never hear it enough: You are not responsible for being raped. It is not your fault. I hope and pray that if you ever decide to share this with your family that they will be loving and supportive. Whether they are or not, you deserve their love and support. Anything less is their problem, not yours.

I know the feelings, the desire, the urge, to protect the family from the secrets that we keep. Such desires and feelings say that you are a good person with a good heart, but you are hurting them and you are hurting yourself by taking their burdens on your shoulders. In the end, you will need to realize that they control their own lives, and you do not bear any responsibility for how they react to things or to how they live their lives.

This is probably the easiest thing to understand, and the hardest thing to do: You must live your own life for yourself. When you take care of your own needs first, when you are centered and grounded firmly in your own life, then you are best able to help others. When you have not dealt with the things that are bothering you, it might be possible to help others today, or maybe tomorrow, but what about next year or the year after? What kind of help can you give when you are torn up inside versus the kind of help you can give when you are whole?

Many people think it is selfish to think of yourself first at all.. Certainly if you take it too far, it does become selfish. Yet, taking care of yourself first so that you can then help others is the furthest thing from being selfish that I know.

Look at Bill and Melinda Gates as an example. Their Foundation helps millions and millions of people in ways no other organization had done. They put a good portion of their fortune into that Foundation. Yet, what would have happened if they had put all their fortune into it years ago? What would have happened if they gave the foundation all their focus right away, and ignored other things, like the running of Microsoft?

The answer would be that the Foundation would right now be in trouble. Without regular revenue from Microsoft, and the Gates family, the Foundation would not be able to do what it is doing. Without effective leadership, it would not have gotten the money it's gotten from Warren Buffet. In starting and operating this great work, the Gates couple have made sure they taken care of themselves first, and then gone on to use their resources to help others.

Another example, one probably easier to grasp is that of a surgeon. When a surgeon prepares to cut your father open for open heart surgery, he needs to be in top form. If he's spent the last two weeks working twenty hours a day, is worried on whether he's forgotten to pay a bill or not, has not gotten a lot of sleep, and is worried about his teenage daughter who snuck out last night and has not yet come home, are you really going to want him cutting your father open? If he cancels the surgery that morning so that he can track down his daughter, get that bill paid, and maybe sleep for eight hours, are you really going to be upset that your father has to wait another day for the surgery?

Think about these things, and work to get yourself back in center and healthy (mentally as well as physically). Then you will be able and ready to help others...and maybe, just maybe, to be happy.

Thank you DK, and Snowy. What happened to me when I was young... I've lived with it for so long. I'll go on living with it, without my parents knowing it happened. They don't suspect it happened, its not a secret in any danger of their discovering.

They have started to figure out that I'm not straight. My dad even came out and asked me if I was playing at being gay, just before we headed to Branson. I told him I'm bi, I'm not sure if he believes me or not, but hopefully that I told him that much will satisfy him regarding why I've been secretive. If he thinks I'm going through a phase or something and is willing to back off for a while, that's good enough for me. I just need to stick it out until the new semester starts, then I'll be out of the house and their daily lives and able to live mine without their constant scrutiny. In two years I'll have graduated college and at that point I can tell them everything, about me, about Silven... by that time they will either have to accept me and him, or if they don't, I won't be in danger of losing money for college. They can love me and be a part, if a distant part (as I intend to move well away regardless of how they respond) of my life, or not do either. It will be their choice then.

I'm not going to take the chance of telling them about him now, and them forcing me into a position where I have to give him up. Losing Silven because of them would very possibly make me hate them, and I don't want that. I'll take the chance that loving Silven will make them reject me, but I see no reason to make it possible for me to lose Silven to them, and then lose them to my own bitterness over it.

As you might suspect from previous postings, I fully support your decision not to tell your parents. Your reasons for that course of action are good ones, and I'd be very likely to do much the same were I in your shoes.

That still does not mean you have to cut yourself off from everyone in your life...or that you cannot work on other issues for the next two years. Take care though, and try to enjoy the little things in life that give you pleasure...

Hey Demetz,

I had many things I was going to say to you after reading this entry, but in the end I've elected to keep my mouth shut for fear of saying the wrong thing and making it worse. So instead I'd like to just offer you a and my best wishes. Hang in there, things will pick up.

Kevin

Edit: uhhh somehow I seem to have posted this twice by mistake....but I guess you've already figured that out

thanks for sharing, sharing something can often take a weight or the world off your shoulders, and it opens the way to growing again. So good for you for feeling good enough to share you feelings and thoughts...