My Winter
If I can just make it through winter I'll be fine. Winters are always the hardest for me. I know it doesn't seem like I've had a particularly difficult winter based on my recent blog posts, and indeed I really haven't, but nevertheless, winters are the toughest. Februarys especially are tough. I'm usually still riding on my fall energy until February. After February things start to come back to life. But in February...well I'm done. No more energy, harder to keep perspective, harder to keep looking forward to spring.
As someone with a psychology degree I've often wondered whether or not I had S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder). I don't think I do, at least not a clinical case, I think it's too mild. I can usually cheer up, gather up more energy, call from somewhere inside of me for a bit more juice. Nevertheless, I just get so frickin' tired of the death and coldness.
I do associate winter with death. The trees are all bare and the flowers are dead. Which is just f**king ugly and depressing as far as I'm concerned. I had an argument about this with Scott recently. Evidently he likes it because he feels like they're being more honest and exposing their core and vulnerability. Yeah whatever, I can see the symbolism in his point, but as far as I'm concerned they're ugly and dead, and I'd feel better not having their lifeless corpses standing around. Of course I know they'll come back in the spring, so I'm not really advocating cutting them all down, but as far as the way it looks and the emotional reaction is has on me I'd much whether no tree at all than a tree without leaves and flowers. It's so gray and drab too. It's like everything takes on this dull husk. The buildings and streets even seem less vibrant, and there's so much less sunshine. It's really bad when it rains. Nothing is more depressing than a rainy day in winter.
Sometimes, usually for the earlier months of the season, I fancy myself a sort of flower, a touch of colour and life in an otherwise barren wasteland (melodramatic huh?). By February though I feel like I'm dying too. I've always associated winter with death. I grew up with contact with a farm. When it came to the older, or weaker animals the speculation was always "Do you think it'll make it through another winter?" I always feel like I get older in the winter. I feel like I'm fine for the other months, but I always seem to lose a little more life and vitality in the winter. A little something extra always seems to fade out.
It has been a fairly good winter. I've stayed positive, stayed alive. I've tried to stay busy, tried to be productive. But damn I'm ready for the spring. This past week has been the hardest. I feel like I've been in a daze this past week. I didn't fight it much this week. Last week I still had the energy. I made a point of fixing myself up and wearing bright colours, even on my day off. This week I more or less gave up. It was just too hard to keep struggling so I went numb and lost the week. I really don't know where it went. I feel like it was completely wasted and now it's just gone. I need March, or better yet April. I need reprieve from the gray.
Today was a rainy winter day.
14 Comments
Recommended Comments
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now