Next week is gonna start some major changes for me. I'm going back to school to start my MCSA/A+/Network+ computer certifications which is going to be a big step for me given my past history. These certifications will let me get a decent IT job and hopefully let me pay off my debts, student loans, get a car and ultimatly move out of the house (yay!).

For those who don't know, the past three years to me have felt like an on going episode of House M.D. where I came down with a mysterious illness and it took close to two years to finally diagnose it. While I'm happy to finally realize what it was (Generalized Anxiety Disorder with Psychogenic Non-Epileptic seizures mixed with Depression and Agoraphobia) it took me another year after that diagnosis to get back on my feet and start meeting life head on. Now that I'm well enough to start going back to school, I came to realize that I have limitations. I can't take more then 2 classes other wise I get anxiety ridden and shut down, leaving me with a failure academically, even though it's a medical reason I still feel like a failure, but I'm over that now that I know my limitations.

After much consultation with my docs, we came to realize that either going to school part time or taking a vocational class would be best (hence why I'm going for the certifications). I'm really looking forward to this because I know in my mind that it's a huge step forward from where I've been lately. It's a stepping stone to my ultimate goal of achieving my Doctorate in Psychology (lofty goal I know )

Now for the past few days, I've been really down, filled with doubts and mixed attitudes. I feel like I'm gonna screw this up somehow or that some outside force is gonna drop a shoe on me and screw these good things up for me. I've been getitng a wee bit paranoid lately, and obsessive, falling back on old habits that took me three years to overcome. But, unlike three years ago, I know when to ask for help, and I have been. I've been talking to my parents and asking them to hold onto some money for me so I don't spend it all and loose everything like I used to (when I got depressed I would go on spending sprees). I've talked to my boyfriend and asked him to keep a closer eye on me and to not let me drink at all except for 1 glass of red wine at dinner (I used to drink and get drunk to hide my feelings). I've also asked my friends to constantly ask me how i'm doing and to keep an eye on me, that if I call and sound like I'm drunk, I need help and to come help me (I tend to sound like I'm drunk when I have a seizure/anxiety attack).

Basically, three years ago, I would've murdered myself if I asked for help like I did, and I would've had a fit if I asked my parents to hold my money (we have it in a join account so while they can't stop me from taking it out if necessary, any withdraws requires a signature from me and one of my parents). In a nut shell, I'm making it so that I have no way to fail this time around, and doing what I should've done three years ago.

So now. It's time to kick some ass and take names, and get this schooling done not for anyone, but for me because if I do this, I know I can do anything no matter what.

Eric