Coming Out

[JamesSavik]

I hate seeing this topic. I really do. I don't know whether to lie and tell a rosy truth or simply tell you a shitty truth. All is not wine & roses and coming out can be debacle. It is not something to be taken lightly or on a whim.

 

I don't lie well. It's part of the culture that I both embrace and am hopelessly trapped by. So I might as well tell the truth and let you sort it out for yourself.

 

If I had to pick a bad place and time to be gay, I doubt that I could have done much worse than choosing Mississippi, the 1970s, and choosing a very religious, very military and very Old South family. Immediately when I say the word Mississippi, people get the images of klansmen and inbred trailer trash. They are there- just not in the quantities that you might think. That's not who we are.

 

Our family came from a South-Central part of the state: Smith and Jones counties. Cattle country, horse people. We are an odd mix of English and Swedes who bought a compass from a street vendor in New York and thought they were going to Minnesota.

 

The military is a strong tradition in the family that goes as far back as Agincourt. We were never Generals or Lords. We were always trusted Lieutenants and Captains. We are BIG men. We grow large early and excel at sports. We are a quick witted lot and can beat you at chess or simply... beat you.

 

It is difficult to describe our culture. Being immersed in it, it is as natural for me as breathing air or swimming in water. For someone who has no idea what Southern culture is like, describing it is like trying to nail jelly to a tree.

 

At the core of Southern culture is tradition. Knowing your family, knowing your history and knowing what is expected of you. A young Southerner knows these things. The second tenet of our culture is honor. Your word must have meaning or you and it are worthless. To lie is a hateful thing and can be remembered and held against you for decades. Next duty is central to our culture. Duty to family, duty to community and duty to God. Finally, faith is part of who we are. It is a force that unites us and gives us continuity across the generations.

 

Southern culture is horribly misunderstood by people who don't know or care about the truth. There it is. For better or worse and it could be a great deal worse.

 

If you know someone who has grown up in this culture and tradition, that's the kind of friend who would take a bullet for you. It's someone that you could trust with your life. As conflicted as I am by it sometimes, it is a matter of great pride.

 

As a boy I did all of the expected things. I was expected to follow in my fathers footsteps. I would be a military officer and that's something you prepared for from boyhood. I played sports, hunted, fished and lived in the outdoors and when the time came- I became a Boy Scout. This would prove to be my undoing.

 

To make a long story short, I was outed by an overzealous scoutmater who went on an anti-homosexual witch hunt with 12 and 13 year olds. He made a point to tell all of our parents why we were no longer welcome in scouting and he told the other parents so they could make sure their kids didn't catch faggotry. This happened to me on the very day of my 13th birthday.

 

It was a disaster for me personally and it pretty much caused wounds that my family never really healed. I laugh at what some people call abuse today. It's a joke. Some of the shit I lived through was the stuff of nightmares. I was in a f**king war. Worse, I was in a war with people I loved. I can't say that all of my friends turned their backs on me- they just turned on me like a pack of wild dogs. There was a time I was fighting so often and regular that I never completely healed from one fight to the next.

 

Thankfully- I fought enough to get good at it and became more than a match for most kids my age. When I knew that I couldn't win, I made the bastards pay for it. I made them hurt. I continued to do the things I loved like playing football. In fact, I was the first ever openly gay kid to play and letter at my high school.

 

I fought my way through high school and picked up a nasty little drug habit. When I turned 20 I cleaned up and got my college degree. I thought that I was past it all. In the eighties, people started dying. That was another little horror show I got a front row seat for. You never knew who was going to be next. It went on for years and I have to admit that it got to me. I got to the point to where I couldn't stand to read the newspaper. Finally it hit someone that I very close to and I snapped. I started drinking and smoking pot again just so I could pass out and not have to feel it anymore.

 

Something else was wrong. All the violence that I had been exposed to had taken its toll. I knew that it wasn't wise for anyone to sleep in the same bad as me because I was violent in my sleep. I didn't understand what was happening to me. I thought I was cracking up. It took a shrink and a couple of years therapy to get it sorted out. I had post traumatic stress disorder and was only sleeping when I passed out. I was very screwed up. That was 7 years ago. I have since cleaned up and starting rebuilding my life.

________________________________________________

 

So- in all of those words, what did I want to say about coming out? It's not a joke. It's not a lark. It's something that you have to think over carefully. If you live in certain types of families or cultures, it can actually be dangerous for you.

 

I offer two pieces of advice: be ready. My "coming out" wasn't voluntary. I didn't get to pick and chose when I came out and I wasn't ready for the consequences.

 

Wait until you are 18: if all else fails, you can walk away if you have to. Before you turn 18, your parents can, and many do, things that are badly wrong out of ignorance and fear. If you are not sure what they will do, err on the side of caution. It can save you a lot of grief in the long run.

[colinian]

I met Doug when we were 12 years old and in the 7th grade. He moved in a couple of blocks from my house, and I saw the moving truck and since I was bored I walked down to see who was moving in. There was this totally cute Chinese kid with spiky hair and he took my breath away. We became friends, then best friends, then the summer between 8th grade in intermediate school and 9th grade in high school we became boyfriends. We came out to two friends, but otherwise we were so far in the closet (we thought) that no one would ever find out.

 

Flash forward to my 17th birthday. We still hadn't told our folks. Now, my family has this tradition of taking the birthday person out to dinner on their birthday, wherever they want to go. So, it was going to be me, my folks, and my two sisters (who are younger). We were getting ready to leave and my mom said, "Colin, we're going to pick up Doug on the way to the restaurant." "Why Doug? I thought this was going to be my family birthday dinner." Mom replied, "Well, since Doug is your boyfriend don't you think he should come along?" I almost fainted, and when I recovered my senses I asked "How did you find out?" and she replied, "I'm your mother and you can't keep a secret from me!"

 

Turns out my folks and Doug's folks knew that we were boyfriends. We weren't as circumspect as we thought, and our moms had both seen us kissing (yeah, we were pretty dumb). They didn't say anything because they didn't want to out us, they wanted us to decide when to tell them. Finally, they got tired of waiting and decided that when we were both 17 (Doug is a couple months older than me) they'd go ahead and tell us they knew. There (obviously) was a lot of emotion and happiness, and we had a great time.

 

We didn't come out at school right away because we were focusing on having straight A's and wanted to avoid all the drama it would create with our friends and other kids at school. We did come out, it was at our Senior Ball when we danced together. It was a lot of fun with people saying things like "I thought so!" or "You gotta be kidding... that's great!" and no negative comments.

 

Now we're both 21, we're registered domestic partners, and we're out to everyone. We don't go around wearing signs that say "We're gay" but if someone asks we say yes.

 

Colin

[Bumblebee]

So- in all of those words, what did I want to say about coming out? It's not a joke. It's not a lark. It's something that you have to think over carefully. If you live in certain types of families or cultures, it can actually be dangerous for you.

 

I offer two pieces of advice: be ready. My "coming out" wasn't voluntary. I didn't get to pick and chose when I came out and I wasn't ready for the consequences.

 

Wait until you are 18: if all else fails, you can walk away if you have to. Before you turn 18, your parents can, and many do, things that are badly wrong out of ignorance and fear. If you are not sure what they will do, err on the side of caution. It can save you a lot of grief in the long run.

 

 

Thanks James,

after reading your story and this, i think i'll take your advice, and wait until im 18 or financially independent from my mum before I tell her... just in case

[sucre]

Thanks for sharing! *grunts*

 

Are you thinking you lean more and more towards gals then?

 

You don't have to decide what your sexuality is, sometimes it can change, take turns. I´m not at ease with the bisexual box either since there is so much more in me that defines my sexuality.

 

Yes, grunting is my prime method of communication.

I really am losing more and more interest in men as the days drag by.

As for my sexuality, I don't really care if I'm pigeonholed as a "lesbian" or "bisexual". It only makes me mad if someone automatically assumes what my orientation is. I agree; I believe that human sexuality is a broad spectrum with so many variations on it that a few terms couldn't possibly cover it all! Thus, while I don't necessarily care what you call me, for now I merely think of myself as "sexual".

[JamesSavik]

Disclaimer:

 

What happened to me happened decades ago inside a culture that isn't very forgiving in sexual matters.

 

Occasionally, where religious nuts are involved, it still happens.

 

Past performance is not necessairly indicative of future results.

 

Coming out can be as painless as Colinian's or as difficult (or worse than) my own.

 

Use your own best judgment. Just be aware that it may be more complicated than you think.

[Zolia Lily]

WOW it actually happened... i really never thought it would... i'm in shock... lol

 

today in the car mum goes "do you..."

 

and i laughed and said "trying to figure out how to ask me something awkward?" (she was driving me to a minor medical procedure... which is what I was thinking about...)

 

and she goes "No, no. It's just your dad thinks i've turned you into a man hater and..." (yeah, mum's a feminist...) "and i wondered if you like men."

 

cracked up laughing. Reassured her.

 

(Dad thinks i hate men because we fight a lot, since he's a chauvinist and there is nothing i hate more that men who treat women badly.) But seriously? Lol.

 

Unfortunately, i didn't think to take the opportunity to tell her about my writing...

 

 

[Tenebrae]

I've been out for 2 years now and so far it's been a little of both ways. Coming from the Bible Belt of the South makes it a little more difficult but the times have changed enough in my generation to where being bisexual or gay isn't really that big of a deal except when it comes to the REALLY devout people who think it's a disease that they can catch from contact with you. As far as I know, my sexuality didn't come from some dude that sneezed on me on the bus or from not cleaning a toilet seat before I sat down on it.

 

My girlfriend has been the most supportive about it, but I believe that has a lot to do with her being bisexual, too. We have an agreement that I can see other men and she can see other chicks, but we can't see the opposite gender except for each other. It has worked for us over the past 19 months and if anything, it has made us closer.