Depression

[Yettie One]

When the going gets tough, the tough get going!

Yeah I wish I could jump on my bike and get going anywhere but here.

 

I shouldn't complain at all to be fair. It is not like I have it as bad as some, and my famous habit of burying my head in the sand and refusing to actually deal with it all, till later.... (tho I am never really sure when later is) has kicked into play really well over the last couple of weeks.

 

I haven't had a good old rant in a while, but to be fair I haven't had enough time to stop and rant. I hate the feeling of self pity, but sometimes when I stop to think about everything going on around me, it is hard not to feel a little alone, and sad that this is what has got to happen. It is so damn easy to feel sorry for yourself. But I am determined that even if it means I do bury my head in the sand and pretend that it is not there, I'll get through this.

 

I think the one big thing that is so hard to deal with is Guilt. It is not supposed to be there, and everyone tells you "It's not your fault," but can anyone of you honestly tell me that you don't blame yourself for something? Maybe you didn't say something in time, or do enough while you had the chance. Whatever the reason we are our own worst enemy, and we carry that burden long and hard. Trying to deal with guilt, I am learning, is no easy thing, and I have come to realise that a lot of it is stuff that I have carried for years. Regrets, unspoken, unconsidered, never shared, yet there, powerful and unrelenting in their woeful grip on your life.

 

It is a funny thing, I've always been the kind of person that's said, "Regrets, I don't have any regrets", when the truth is that, heck yeah I got regrets. I just chose in the past to deny their existence and pretend or lie to myself that they don't matter, or are not regrets really. How foolish. Why do we do these things to ourselves?

 

Life is so complex. Each day is about learning something new. Each week is about growing a little. Every month you try to survive, and in a year you learn so much. Some of it we learn and forget, but some of it changes us forever.

 

I haven't come to this thread much recently. I did for a time think it was better to just keep quiet and try not to tread on anyone's toes, but I came to realise, that in this instance, on this thread, maybe it is ok to be a little selfish and use this space to just shout at the world. I guess I am writing as much for myself as anything. Take of it what you will, we all need a place to hide and be able to speak those dark secrets that we don't like to share.

 

To anyone listening, thanks. To those that care for each other, I don't know why you do, but I do know that without it, life would be a whole lot worse. To those that go the extra distance, has anyone ever told you how you saved a life today? Extreme? Think about it, a few kind words to someone on the edge of darkness brings sunshine to a black hole. You didn't even realise you did it. That is how powerful support and kindness are. So to anyone that does it, and that is most all of you on this thread, thanks.

[Mark92]

Yettie (Rob) My dear friend, I've told you before, send me a PM or an email saying come and chat and I will.

Growing up I was blamed for everything including the weather. And now she is gone, I have so much guilt for everything else, I know how you feel man.

Here is a great place to come and rant and rave and kick up merry hell if you want. We all listen and hear. We may not be able to fix anything but we are still here.

I ran out of likes again I use them all in here mostly. But you know I think about you. So let me know if you need an ear. And of course fill this thread with as much ranting as you need. Huge hugs to you Rob

 

Hugs all round

[joann414]

OH Breeze, I hope things get better, but only you know when you are reading to face the rat race of working. Don't overwhelm yourself. Good Luck, and hugs girl.

 

Mark, I had to laugh at the hair remark. My hubby actually takes more time with his hair than I do. Sounds like quite a visit. Make sure you cook for me when I visit. sounds like you have it all down to an art. to you and Stuby, and yes, relationships are never perfect. If they were, how bored we would all get. lol

 

James, hope things get better for you, sending to you also.

 

To everyone else, hope things are going well, and that life is good for each of you!

[joann414]

BTW, glad you took the time to rant Yettie, we all need to at times, and this is definitely the place to do it. Hugs to you, Jo Ann

[Mark92]

Hey all

 

I caught up on the likes I think Hope everyone is good

 

 

Hugs everyone

[comicfan]

Alright forgive me for not posting much. This is a pain to do by phone.

 

Rob (Yettie) - complain, yell, and let it all out. Regrets, show me someone who doesn't have them and I will show you some in denile. Life happens and all you can ever do is your best guess. Hang in there.

 

Mark - With everything in your past you still reach out and approach the world with a sort of wonder. Your spirit is so strong that I am often humbled by it. I am grateful to count you amongst my friends.

 

Jo Ann - You never fail to amaze me. Thank you for just being you.

 

Doing my best to hang in there. Have so many balls in the air lately can't see the sun or much else, but can't stop either. Hoping to pick up a mifi before the weekend so at least that issue will be solved.

 

My best to all of you. A to those who need it.

[Henry_Henry2012]

For me, depression is an option. But even options have limitations. Sometimes it's hard to know what those options are unless you break from the shackles that binds you to that certain disposition of loneliness. I've been depress most of the time and it's hard, difficult, or rather, an air of lacking confounds me not to see things in a better light.

 

What I do when I feel the burdens of my own conscience are about to crush me; I sit down on the toilet or any public place without the disturbance of any sound that would hamper me from not thinking. Silence is the greatest companion for a mind that screams all the emotions that raptures your soul into chaos. When I'm in that cubicle, or in the toilet; I sit on the loo and breathe. I don't think about anything, but the process of breathing itself composes my senses to think rationally. 15 minutes is all I need to escape everything.

 

You know that feeling when you feel like going to a place where your mind is the only permissible option that you can perceive that place to be; I find that relaxing and soothing. I have a few close friends; I'm an ambivert but mostly introverted. Albeit I go out and spend time with friends: talk in a coffee shop, watch a movie, talk to my best mate, or chatter about our daily life and problems; there are those moments where you wanted to be alone and you can't help but shutting everyone around you because you feel everyone's so distant to you.

 

I've even thought of vanishing from my family and friends and probably communicate with them when I'm already in that contented phase, wherein I don't feel the need to exclude myself from my surroundings or everyone, anymore. But there's that voice that kept me holding back to stay, and think about what I'd miss if ever I did leave everything behind.

 

I don't know if this is depression, or just a fleeting emptiness that I sometimes feel. But it's hard. I've prayed many times for some higher power to erase this emotion. But even one's creator cannot eradicate something I'm choosing to feel.

 

I think everyone goes through that phase of loneliness where the redundancies of life gets to you, somehow. But for me, I've been suffering this feeling for almost three years now. I even thought of changing religions because my religious community - I feel - doesn't give me that spiritual guidance. And yet when I visit my church, and talk to him... it does feel comforting. Maybe the thought that some higher power is there, or the belief that somehow, out of all the crap in my life that I've been thrown, it will make some sense eventually.

 

As much as I don't like thinking about this scenario, I can't help but say to myself: "You know what, there are a lot of dying people in this very minute. There are people who sleep on the streets without a cover on their heads, or a shelter to go home to. There are sick people who don't have the money to have the cure they need. And there are those people in this very minute who are contemplating death because they want to escape. Your problems are nothing to them. It is your own option to choose whatever emotion you feel. And if you do want to choose death as your salvation, then you are selfish. Go in the toilet now and breathe for 15 minutes, then leave and smile damn it. You're still breathing for fck's sake."

 

I don't know if I'm crazy but I sometimes talk to myself. I hope this helps someone. And for those who think that depression is an option, unless you're psychologically proven that you have a mental condition, then depression is nothing but a choice. Even people who have been in an asylum sometimes get out as a free man of their disease. Because how can one normal person not choose to be free of one's own limiting disposition? Cause for me, it's a choice.

 

If you want to be selfish and think of your loneliness as a thing that holds you back from living normally, then be selfish for a while. There's nothing wrong with that. But just make sure that you're not the person whom people will think who has settled for a single emotion all throughout their life. It would be a waste of time if the only thing your friends will say in your eulogy, after you've passed away, is: "Yes. He was a very depress man. I didn't even know why we're friends in the first place. Probably because he was a good drinking buddy because he was always silent. And if you have problems, he listens. Or maybe because he doesn't want to talk to me and I just rant all of my problems. Either way, he was a very depress man."

 

So yeah. Be happy everyone. I sound like a retard.

[Mark92]

Hi everyone

 

Welcome Henry_Henry, Your view on depression is more a personal one, I think.

I live in the middle of nowhere, and right now, I am trapped here through fear and issues related to my past. It's not a choice for me. I dont know anyone in this thread who would choose to feel how they feel.

Silence, I know very well, I have no neighbours I can see, the nearest is three miles away. So I am well used to silence, and to me it screams loudly. It isnt any sort of therapy to sit and think.

As for religion I had one forced on me, not any normal deity either, but one that said I should be punished daily. Five people who's god said I was evil.

It was those five people who had the mental disorder if you ask me.

I fight against my depression every single day, I push at the boundaries all the time. And I know I can safely say for everyone in this thread, that they fight theirs their own way. This is a place to support each other, listen to each other and care for one another. What we don't do is tell anyone else they are wrong, or selfish. Yes we sometimes give each other a kick up the backside, but in a supportive way.

 

 

Hugs all round

[Yettie One]

Hey Henry_Henry

 

Welcome to the thread.

 

That said, not 100% sure I totally agree with everything that you say, but then I think that the effects of depression on each person is different, and something I think we'd all agree on, is that it is like a yo yo. One day you are laughing the next crying. Its effects are far ranging, can be more or less debilitating, can present as serious mental breakdown or a simple inability to find a reason to smile.

 

The one common trend that you will find with everyone, and even yourself it would seem, is that there is no clear indication where it comes from, or why we struggle with the things we do. Personally I could sit and point my finger at any number of reasons for my own afflictions, but to pin point when or how or why it happened to me, sorry I don't think anyone of us can do that. I am sure if that was possible the treatment would be a whole lot more effective and dynamic.

 

The one thing that I can defiantly say is that it is not my choice to struggle with these feelings. Yes they are emotions, feelings, mental issues, that ordinarily we should and are able to deal with. In therapy they explain to you that over time you begin to believe a trend of negative thoughts. Irrational as they may be, as unrealistic as they are in reality, they are reinforced by a sense of worthlessness and lack of self confidence. This is attributed some believe to a chemical imbalance in the brain, and that I don't think anyone would choose.

Are they right?

I don't know, but even you say that for the last three years, you have struggled with your own darkness, and don't understand or even know if it is depression or not. So do you choose to struggle with this issue? No, I doubt you woke up one day and said to yourself, 'Right today we are going to mess around with my own mental well being and emotional state, and mess around with things I don't even understand.'

 

However, I do believe that like many people have witnessed here in this thread, how we deal with depression is a choice. I agree that there are coping mechanisms that we can choose to use, or as you say, selfishly wallow in self pity and choose to not face the world on a specific day.

Now this I totally support.

 

Like Mark I live in a quite village out of town where the silence can be more deafening than the buzz of a busy motorway. Quiet for me is a two edged sword. Yes it can help to calm my nervous soul, but it can also release the power of my mind, and that can be worse than being busy and surrounded by things that press on my time.

 

Mental problems are a minefield of opinion. Everyone has their ideas or ways to cope or deal with things. That is what individuality is about, and while I do not dismiss what you do to get through the day, for I know that you have worked out your own way to deal with it, I would also say that if you take the time to talk to some of the people here, you will find that we are all very different, very multi dimensional and genuinely in the bigger picture good people.

 

We may disappear from time to time, or have days where our language would make a sailor blush. Sometimes we have to slap each other up side the head, or give each other a shake, but for the large part we have learnt to reach out and share, talk and lean on each other. People will listen without judging, and allow you to sound stupid, selfish or just stark raving mad, and still give you a hug and chat about the weather afterwards.

 

I think you will also find, if you take the time to ask, that eveyone's circumstances are different. Some people can escape the things that depress them, others are trapped in a situation that means they daily face an uphill challenge to deal with things. So yeah I do think that there are days where it is ok to be selfish like you say, and days I'll choose to face things or choose not too. These are choices I agree, and like you say it is the people/friends that we talk too that make a difference. For many of us, these are the people/friends we choose to open up to and share with.

 

That is what makes the darkest days, when you begin to question everything, more bearable. Knowing that there are people there that will listen and have a few words of kindness to help you make it through the day. We don't all have people we can share this stuff with in our daily lives. It is never nice to go through these things, and take of this what you will, but I hope that as I and many here have, you will find that this is a community you can fall back on and slowly learn to trust.

 

Big hugs to everyone. Once again thanks for the kind words. Keep the chins up and smile when you can, it makes you look good.

 

Edited September 20, 2012 by Yettie One

[Henry_Henry2012]

Good Day, Yettie One.

 

I am in complete agreement with your statements. However, I was not implying that depression (when you're clinically referred to as) is a choice. That is why I said on my previous post:

 

And for those who think that depression is an option, unless you're psychologically proven that you have a mental condition, then depression is nothing but a choice. Even people who have been in an asylum sometimes get out as a free man of their disease. Because how can one normal person not choose to be free of one's own limiting disposition? Cause for me, it's a choice.

 

In other words, I was referring to those deemed by the psychological community, as depression, not being a choice. And what I felt and is still feeling is a criss-cross of emotions between powerlessness and the variable option to choose what I'm feeling.

 

Depression makes you yielding to the thoughts that compose your current state being, because depression has a self-fulfilling prophecy that you repetitively induce to yourself: unconsciously or consciously, without knowing that you actually are causing it upon your self.

 

Why do I say it upon yourself? Because the purpose of going to a shrink is to identify the cause, the root, the object or the prestation of what makes your comportment associate itself to the negativity that surrounds you. There are two classified types of depression: clinical and opportunistic. Clinical means that there is an imbalance in your physiological state that makes you feel depressed. These are the mentally incapacitated individuals who are given prescription drugs for feeling this overwhelming emotions. Opportunistic however means, the way you think is dependent upon your environment (friends, family, society, work, relationships) which leads you to powerless thinking.

 

If a woman is depressed because her husband physically and emotionally abuses her. Then the advice a normal person will provide is to stay away from her husband. But what if person who's giving the advice doesn't realise is she is psychologically aroused by the treatment or condition that her husband is providing her? Thus, leads to her having some form of disease, an emotional attachment to her abuser, or punisher. And when she decides to go to a shrink, she tells her shrink that the reason why her husband is maltreating her is because she cheated on him, or maybe she's afraid, or more likely, she her shrink may enlighten her that she enjoys the abuse as a form of comfort for her past mistakes: which is wrong.

 

My previous example was to enunciate that a person who's depress will not know the reason for his or her depression because the powerlessness associated with depression hampers your ability to think rationally that there is a root cause for what someone might be feeling. There are several kinds of depression, e.g.: Dysthymia, Post-Partum Depression, Seasonal Affective Disorder, Atypical Depression, Psychotic Depression, Bi-Polar Disorder, Pre-Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder, Situation Depression, Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety Depression, Chronic Depression, Double Depression, Agitated Depression, Endogenous Depression, Melancholic Depression, or Catatonic Depression.

 

And with all those kinds of depression, there is a diagnosis. And I have been diagnosed as someone who has chronic depression and melancholic depression. I've been suffering for years with being overly empathic. I cry at movies, feel guilty for someone whom I've watched in a telly being jailed for robbing a convenience store. I would feel morose when someone close to mine would die, or I would greatly sympathise for a friend who has relationship issues. It is something that comes under than the severe types of depression but it is still a depression.

 

There are some things that I don't wish to share and some parts I wish to keep for myself, only because I want to forget those things that makes me human. As a person, you still have to keep something for yourself.

 

All I'm saying, for me to tell that depression is a choice, because no matter HOW MUCH negativity, self-imposition, powerlessness, pessimism, you have in every bone and fiber of your skin -- the reason why you try to go to a doctor, a shrink, or a friend, is because you want to know the reason why you're feeling that certain way. Deep inside, in the recesses of your unconsciousness, you want to believe that THERE IS SOMETHING that could help you. And within that positivity, no matter how small or minute, that gives you the choice to fight it.

 

I'm not speaking of such term in a literal way, but I'm referring to in a figurative sense that all of us in this thread wants be rid of it. If you are to say to me right now that depression is never a choice, then why go to a shrink to ask for assistance in identifying the root cause of your condition? It's because you want to know if there is a way for a professional to give aid to you. If depression is not a choice, personally speaking, then how come there are cures for it. And even if the said cure would take years, or even if you have a new form of depression not assessable in this time and age, the future thinking that IT can be cured is THERE.

 

Depression is like a phantom arm. You feel that it's real but it's not real. Only the person who is experiencing the depression can ascertain that the phantom arm is real. And the phantom arm because an extra appendage, when the people around him feels the extant of it's impact upon themselves: negatively or in a way that affects their lives.

 

Just the fact that we are HERE both writing our opinions in a thread about depression, having a sensical debate about our own experiences, tells ourselves and other people, that we are choosing to feel that depression can be fought or battled. We are choosing to say, "Yes. I am depress. But doesn't mean my life stop revolving. Therefore, I can talk about it because I know how depression has affected or is affecting me." The fact that WE both can talk about it, shows that there's that certain sliver or hope, that we both know that someday, it will be cured of our system.

 

If you're stating that depression is not a choice that's why people are trying to find ways to cope up with it, then you're comparing depression to a disease. Unless depression takes over your life and controls you then yes, you don't have a choice. And yes it would not be a choice unless, it's a clinical diagnosis. And yes, medicinal treatments is quintessential to alleviate one's condition. And yes, even if you're medically diagnosed as someone who would be put in the looney bin, you still have a choice to take your medicines, talk to a shrink, do processess that could help you. And it's your choice, if you have a severe type of depression, to seek help, be cured, or be rid of it.

 

Change is constant. And with that constance comes the underlying paradox that we have options and choices. Some options may not be available to us, some may be under our reach or hidden in our views. But the thing that separates us from creatures, us humans, is that we have the decision to either SEEK those choices or RUN away from those probabilities. No matter how complicated our lives might be, we always have that glimmer of a shiny pointed arrow that leads us to where we're going.

 

So why would you choose to be a pessimist and think that depression is not a choice, and that I'm coping up because that's the only thing you can do. I'd rather think that we all are trying to find means to cope up because we feel that we chose to fight it, not because it has CONTROLLED our lives, that the only thing we can do is sit back and see it unravel.

 

I don't like to incline myself with such triflings of negative outcomes, and we should all think that everything is at our disposal. It's the 21st Century.

 

To sum it all up: Literally speaking depression is not a choice, we ALL did not choose this to happen to us. I didn't bargain for this emotion at ebay when I was shopping for a discounted item and found out my item was a rip-off. But what comes after depression, is a choice. Either to be cured or not to be cured. So I am here, writing a novel, because it composes me. I sit in a toilet to ruminate because I'm not that severe to have several voices in my head speaking all-together. If you can find that inner peace, that sanctum in your head where everything goes away, then good for you. I learned that ability to compose my thinking in three years. Three years. It wasn't easy, but I chose to do it.

 

So unless you want to be set up in an asylum or be at the Bettie Ford Clinic then yes, your depression might be hampering your life for IT not being a choice. But for those who are not. The fact that we all can still smile, gives everyone a chance that we can get through with it.

 

I don't mean it in a negative way Yettie One, but I want to incline you to think that what comes after depression, is the greatness of life that we all have options.

 

(*hides under bed*)

[Mark92]

Hi all

 

Even after all you have said, and the facts about different depressions. You still have to factor in each individual, and how they act or react because of it. As individuals we all have our own issues and nuances to add to the mix, of the text book description.

As for myself and my particular depression. I know exactly what the root cause of my depression is. I also know what the problems are and how to deal with them, to a point. The reasons I chose to see a shrink, are to find other methods to push myself out of depression.

I have a boyfriend, I am desperate to be with. I have so many new friends from joining here, I want to go visit. That does not mean I'm not still battling everyday to get over my problems and issues. My life at the moment runs on auto pilot, for my chores and being a farmer. My personal life is a constant mess of emotions and issues so deep, I lose focus in how to deal with them. The roots I have already.

Everyone here is an individual and it is their individuality that makes 'their' depression theirs. Pigeon-holing people into this depression or that can't be done.

This is only my opinion of course. I'm not trying to influence anyone by giving it

 

Hugs all round

[joann414]

Hi all

 

Even after all you have said, and the facts about different depressions. You still have to factor in each individual, and how they act or react because of it

 

 

I so agree Mark. I have been on anti-depressants for for years. Sometimes I wonder why, and then days, I have no doubt as to why I am taking them. It is definitely the make-up of each individual. And if I thought I had the choice of not being depressed, hell yeah, I would take it, but I don't. It just hits me, and I just have to deal with it the best ways that I can at the time.

 

Edited September 21, 2012 by joann414

[joann414]

I have no idea how that post turned out like it did. kinda goes along with my day.

[Mark92]

It certainly made me giggle Jo LOL, Hope the night is better

We all of those days dear lady, Just make up and mend eh? A little like your 'duck and cover'

[JOeKEool]

Hello Friends_I have not been doing too well but I am better now. I had been doing quite well and for no real reason I just stepped off that edge and went to the bottom of the pit again. I kept telling myself thru it all that I would be stronger when I came out. I think it was true. I was able to deal with some issues and some old hurts. I am still somewhat depressed but I feel a sense of peace at least as far as the issues I put behind me. there will always be more issues I'm afraid.

 

I tried numerous times to get on here and try to reach out or just rant or even to just tell the whole world to go to hell. I never found the words in my scrambled brain to say anything.

 

I still knew in my heart that I had support here. Just knowing you were here gave me something to hold onto. I feel guilty for NOT reaching out and asking for help. I know the first thing depression does when it goes that deep for me anyway, is make me feel like no one would understand. Even when I KNOW in my heart that YOU guys will. That mental part of me just wants to crawl under a rock and forget the world and believe what my MIND says.

 

There is some good news I can share. I THINK i have a girlfriend.( BIG SMILE HERE ) I don't know where it is going. we only just started seeing eachother. she is an old friend that recently divorced and we had one casual "date" so far. We have planned two or three that fell thru because of schedules and illness and such.

I'm sure part of what tipped me over the edge was stress and insecurity about a relationship. I am so fragile emotionally, I knew I would scare her off if she sees the real me. Now I am not really any stronger emotionally but I am strong enough to BE who I am and accept what comes. A relationship built on pretending I was something else would be worse than being alone again. Plus, just knowing I have someone there makes it so much easier to keep trying to be that person of strength.

 

I am going to stop here for now. I have my brother on the phone. I will be back soon.

 

Love to all and a big welcome to some new faces. ___Joe

[Mark92]

Hey all

 

Hi Joe We miss you when you're not around. I know how easily depression can make your emotions dip. I can be sitting on skype with Stuby. One minute laughing my head off the next dipping down so much I want to cry. But having Stuby there lifts me back up again. Apart from the love he gives me, there is also a kick up the arse too.

So chuffed about your girlfriend, I really hope it works out. And if it doesnt hopefuilly you will still have a friend.

We all know how good it is to have a rant, or a moan here. Helping each other helps ourselves. So bring it on dude

 

Hugs all round

 

PS I was so excited last night, nothing major lol. I won a bid on Ebay for a brand new leather jacket for Baz. £30? Bargain lol. Another crimbo pressie sorted.

[Bumblebee]

This Saturday the 29th will be a year since I lost my boy who I loved more then anything in the world, and even though he was only a horse he was the best thing that ever happened to me and I miss him so much that the I feel suffocated by the pain in my chest when I think about him.

I'm not the kind of person who cries, and lately whenever I think of him I start crying. Mum took me off my meds because she thinks they made my mood worse when they aren't mood altering, and it feels like I can't control how I display my emotions lately and I hate that. For a whole year I was fine, and now that its the anniversary it's like he's died all over again. I never got to say good bye to him, and I feel like it was my fault because I should have known something was wrong with him days before, I knew that if he got sick again he wouldn't make it and I chose not to read the warning signs. I guess he's not in pain anymore, and that's really the only good thing that's come out of this.

[JOeKEool]

Bee_ Im so sorry. I have deeper feelings for some animals than I do for most people and I think you do too. All you can do is get thru today. Each day will hopefully get a little easier. Big Hugs-Bee. whether you want them or not Ok. We ALL feel your pain. And don't fight the tears. They are a healing process too. I'M crying now so lets cry together.

 

Mark_ it feels good to be back. I went thru a real hell for a while. I still managed to get to work. I don't deal with a lot of people so I could let the emotions loose thru the nights too. one of the reallizations I came to was I think I have been obsessing over a lot of things that I cant "fix" and just making things worse. I was so ..obsessed is the best word I can find...over my sexuallity that it was driving me crazy. I see now what a small part of the total ME it really is. It is there. I have to accept what it is and who I am because of it but it doesn't need to be the driving force or the brick wall in my life.

The same is true of my depression. I can LET it be the focus of my life and my "being" or I can see it as just another aspect of who I am and accept that it will be there and will need attention. It won't need ALL my attention.

 

In the middle of this last ordeal. this foray into the darkness, I had a visit from my parents and my brother. As bad as I was "feeling" I was able to put on a smile and have an enjoyable time with them. I have done this all my life I think. Pretend all is well. somehow it seemed different this time. Partly I guess because I am open and observant now and not hiding the truth from myself . I really LOOKED at my folks and saw the same fears, the same desires, pain. I guess I finally saw them as people. Just like the rest of us. I couldn't blame them for things in the past that were just them muddling thru this life like all of us are doing. At the same time I saw how I could BE a "normal" person with all the pain and hurt that I was feeling. I could still "pretend all was well" and not feel BAD about hiding it. I wasn't hiding FROM it now. I guess thats what Im trying to say. It would have done no good to unload on them. They have NO idea what depression is like. NO idea how to help. Hiding it from them and still enjoying our visit let me see that it didn't have to be the center of my life.I hope Im making sense here. I haven't been sleeping too much.

 

Maybethis would be a good time to try to sleep.

 

Thanks for being YOU. All of you. I stiill need your support. Forward HO!!!

[Mark92]

Hey folks

 

Bee I am so sorry, It doesnt seem like a year ago. Did you ever frame the card? I know what he meant to you. So I really do feel for you. There is nothing anyone can say or do to ease your pain. Only time can fix that. Try to focus on what you loved about him, not the end. All you are feeling is part of the grieving process. If you didn't love him so much you wouldn't feel how you feel. So please don't feel guilty. I want to hug you but I know it isn't what you need. Time will heal Bee I promise you that.

 

Joe, I too try to keep myself "up" it isn't easy, I don't always succeed, but I keep trying. I have been asked why Stuby never writes here about my depression. It's because he understands that this is part of my therapy, my way of dealing with everyday crap. My way of reaching out to others and helping them as they reach out and help me.

I never think about being gay, it's a part of me, but it doesn't have to be all I am. I don't want to think about being depressed either. What I do think, is that I should concentrate on my amazing boyfriend, who is always there for me, always loving and giving. I am the luckiest man in the world. So please try to keep "up".

 

Hugs all

[joann414]

Joe, hope all work out well for you. You sound like you are still struggling, but the main thing is that you are struggling uphill, trying to get there. I used to dwell on who I was, and it took me a long time to step up, acknowledge it, and I did not deal with it then. I let my friends and family deal with it. If they couldn't so be it. I have periods where is think,"What if?", but i don't let it consume me. I am lucky to have a lot of support, pluse the wonderful folks here that support me.

 

Mark, I paused when you said you did not even think about being gay. I realised that I don't even think about any of you being gay when I interact with you, banter with you, cry with you, or reach out a hand to pull you out of your sadness. You are my friends. Sadly, I guess a lot of people don't see it that way. That is their loss, being so narrow-minded.

 

Bee, sweetie, I hope you feel better, and get you meds and feelings straight.

 

Hugs to all.

[Yettie One]

Loss is never an easy thing to deal with, and lets be honest, a horse is a majestic, noble and special creature. Bee you are so lucky that you got to share time with such a wonderful animal, I can only dream of what it must be like to have a friend of that kind waiting to carry you when ever he can, to enjoy the touch of your hand, and the sound of your voice. For what it is worth, I only hope that you realise that he misses you just as much as you miss him, and even though he is not here in any physical form, I am one of those that likes to think that his spirit is out there somewhere still watching over you with fondness and love.

 

Joe gosh, darkness is never a good place to be, and to have to smile at the world and hide that darkness is often harder than accepting the darkness at all. I guess in some ways you have turned a corner, and realised that we are all imperfect, filled with fears and insecurities. You know, so often we imagine that everyone else's life is perfect and hunky dory and lovely jubbley, but the truth is that for the vast majority of us we all stand in much the same shoes, needing and wanting people to understand us and be there to help make the darkness bearable. I think you are right though, at times we want someone to show us the way, yet we have to learn or figure it out for ourselves. No one can take the darkness, but we can share it with you, and allow you to realise that you are not completely alone. There are people who know, understand and feel the same as you. Keep you chin up pal. Smile, sleep and feel refreshed is you can.

 

Marky Mark. Really hope that things are well with you and your man. I am sure the harvest has kept you busy, but as we draw into autumn and the nights come earlier, I hope we get to catch up and have a good old gossip soon.

 

Joann, work seems to be keeping you so busy recently girl. Keep your spirits up and remember your an angel in disguise. Armed with your six guns, crow bars, and all the other weapons I keep trying to hide from you, you always are there to give us a kind word, a hug of encouragement, a thought for the day, or just chew our ear off in chat. We love you girl, and I ain't shy to say it either.

 

Henry_Henry don't hide under the bed so long!!!!!!!! haha.

No I don't disagree with you, and heck maybe you know a whole lot more about it than me, but I think that essentially depression is something that affects us all individually and the solution therefore has to be individual. A broad solution that sorts us all out is never going to be something that we find, so hey, maybe it is something that we can agree to disagree about ey?

 

Wayne, Roan, Harcallard, Mike, Billy Brat, James, Breeze, Andrea, Zolla Lilly, Sid, Tommy, Blondeboi, and all the others that come here as and when we need, my thoughts go out to you, wishing you well and happiness and good tidings today, and any other day for that matter.

Hugs to you all, even if you don't want one, there's one for you anyway. Take care and smile if you can, the day seems better when you can.

 

[JOeKEool]

Thank you for all the caring thoughts and words.

I'm feeling all alone tonight. Don't have a lot to say. Just need some caring friends. I guess need to kill some time. I have my brother on the phone. We talk every night but we don't really 'talk'. Small talk is usually the limit. It's nice to be close enough to just enjoy our silence. Just to know he's there on the line as we both peruse the web.

 

Henry_Henry...welcome to the thread. In some respects I think your ideas are sound. We have a small amount of control over our situation. As I said before, I am able to put my depression aside and conduct myself appropriately in a social environment. I "choose" to not allow the emotions to have CONTROL. All the same symptoms are still present. I am only able to hide them. At least for a short time. Choosing not to be depressed, though is a far cry from hiding it. I have times where my emotions will flare up out of nowhere. In the middle of a sentence my chest and throat will sieze up with an unexplained sense of dread and feeling of grief. My eyes will fill with tears. My voice will noticibly be "choked up". It usually results in some odd looks. I have to take a deep breath, and try to carry on. The underlying conditions are always there and waiting . We all learn ways to try to live with them. Even "fixing" the underlying cause of depression can be a fleeting challenge. We all have the injuries and pain of our own lives, but how do you stop "feeling" the empathy and the sorrow for all the pain you see others enduring. You can only be there for the few close to you. Maybe it boils down to the old adage... Help me accept that which I cannot change...an effort I don't often succeed at.

 

One theory of depression that I mentioned before has to do with our DNA and how each gene has multiple influences from our hormones and other chemical activity. Our overall mood or attitude has an impact on these chemical activities and thus an influence on our genetic make-up. In time, the theory is, that our DNA and the individual cells in our body will begin to be 'programmed' to a state of depression. It then becomes a physical malady as well as a mental one. Full recovery would require time for 'programmed' cells to die and be replaced while the mind is in a prolonged 'normal' state. I forget exactly how often our bodies are completely 'regenerated' with new cells. It occurs surprisingly fast, if I'm not mistaken. In this respect, we can resort to the adage...the power of positive thinking...but again, one hard to adhere to.

 

Enough already about depression!!!. I had a good morning. I went for a swim first thing. Before I could get home and get comfortable and 'lazy' . Came home and got some good sound sleep. I think my new Sat. morning routine will include a morning swim. NOT in the river now though. Too late in the year for that .I have to endure the evils of chlorine. But then the river has no hot-tub. Or a warm shower. The score is even I guess.

 

Mark_ I am so glad for you and Stuby. There has been a big change in you because of your love for each other. You're doing it right and you're making progress. Keep your focus on him.

 

It is 3AM here. I just fixed bacon and eggs and fried potato. Your all welcome to join me. Beans and bacon are on for tomorrow.

 

Hugs -Joe

[joann414]

Man, i am so glad I will not have to cook today. Be there in a bit. lol Sounds like you are doing better, and figuring things out Joe. Making plans and sticking to them is a plus, no matter what it is you do. Hope things continue to move forward for you Jo ann

[comicfan]

Alright I have been absent for awhile. Naturally that means I get to do one of my lists again. Sorry folks.

 

1) Mark - I see the ups and downs in your comments. Glad to hear you are moving forward no matter how painful that might be. Life isn't stagnant and neither are you. Just remember your animals aren't the only ones who depend on you.

 

2) Joe - Glad to see you are alive and kicking. A date no less. We might not always be able to touch you in person but know our best wishes are always with you.

 

3) Yettie - What can I tell you? You keep your chin up. I can relate to so much you are going through. Life is never easy but I am rooting for you.

 

4) Jo Ann - I wonder if you realize just how much of a smile you can bring to people just by being you? I'm always happy to see you in this thread.

 

5) Bee - The death of an animal can be as cruel as the death of anyone else. You share your life and your affection with them. Animals are perhaps one of the few creatures on earth that show you how they feel and don't care. I think your mother might need to talk with the doctor. There is a reason he put you on them and if they work together it will be in your best interest. Keep your chin up and don't be worried if you cry, that is only you being human.

 

6) Henry - For each person life is different. I can respect your comments and the education you gave us all but how each person responds again will be an individual thing.

 

okay off the soap and commentary box. for all who need them. My best as always to all of you.

 

Wayne

[Mark92]

Hey all

 

Good to see you all reaching out for each other, we all need it.

 

I'm finally figuring out what Christmas means to parents. A whole lot of stress about what to get who?

I've got Stuby's mum and dad and sister, so far I have Stuby one thing and I'm stuck. I've got Lil Q, and Frosty,Nephy,Marzipan,Lily and Elezbed and Bleu. Thats just off the top of my head. Don't tell Unc, but I dont have a clue what to get him, I've done comics and Yorkshire and recipes LOL.

I would love it if you all gave me your addresses so I could send you something. Even if its only a card. Thanks for yours Jo . I dont give out addresses to anyone else without prior permission, and I dont send out unnecassary post either. It's birthdays if I know them or a Christmas card or gift.

 

I hope everyone is doing good. Me and Stuby are good too.

 

Hugs All