Depression

[Mark92]

Hi All

 

Welcome James, You may not like hugs, but you get them here anyway LOL. I hate the god squad too, my mum was a nut job, where that is concerned. And she had a bunch of cronies who kept that at the forefront.

You are older and wiser, and I have nothing to tell you that would help.

Your posts here and on FB are usually political, and I know Jack Shit about politics. In fact I don't know much about anything, apart from what I do.

Why do you hurt? I understand the rest. Been there, done that even at my age.

You are welcome to scream, shout,rant, rave about anything here there are plenty of shoulders to cry on, ears to listen, as well as hear. And even a size 13 boot if you need it.

 

Hugs to the rest of you Stay happy folks

[joann414]

Hi all

 

HOpe everyone is having a good week's beginning.

 

James, I can relate to the Mississippi madness, believe me. That is why I love being able to go and come from work, and just stay out in the country, at home, in peace, and let the bigots and rednecks entertain each other I certainly hope things get better for you, and you will feel more relaxed in life. Always here, is you need an ear. Hugs

 

Lily, hope you have had a good couple of days. I have faith in you. Chin up, and hugs to you.

 

Mark, just tell Stuby hi, and go back to enjoying your time with him. You two be happy, and just love and respect each other. HUG!

 

Wayne, hoping things with your dad are easing up a little, and your week goes well at work and at home. Hugs

 

 

Har, you sound so much better, I just want to say, keep on doing what you are doing, and if you stumble, remember we are all here.

 

Hugs to everyone else, Cassie, Sid, Joe, and anyone I missed here.

 

[comicfan]

Joe glad to hear you are hanging in there. Don't know what to say about the chaos swirling around that might re-enter your life. Just remember to keep time for yourself so you have an outlet.

 

James - Je... kidding. They say our life is littered with bad mistakes which help us see what we want if we survive. Well it sounds like you survived. The hardest thing we all have to do is live. If nothing else you have people you can turn to. I will say I don't envy you living in the deep south. The heat would kill me and from what you wrote some of the small minded people down there might finish me off.

 

To everyone else just keep facing the day. We all have our dark times where we want to give up, but fight for the light.

[Yettie One]

Is sharing what makes things easier? Can people really help each other? Do we really want help, or are we too stubborn to see the truth before our eyes?

 

I ask myself these questions and many like it dozens of times each week. I go over things over and over again, searching it for anything that can explain what, why, when, how. Some days I lie in my bed at night and the rage of thoughts, feelings and emotions that swirl around in my head is more than I can stand. Sometimes I feel like I am my own worst enemy and it is me that is defeating the chances that I have of find a way out of this darkness.

 

There are days where I just want to scream. Days I just long for a hug. Days I just want to hear someone's voice give me reason to forget the reality of my circumstances for a moment as we chat, laugh, smile and enjoy the warmth of friendship and understanding. I guess I am just a guy who is not prefect. I have flaws, weaknesses and problems. I am not unique, I am not alone, I am not something special or someone that is going through stuff that no one else has felt or experienced or had to deal with, and you see this is the key. This is the link, the thing that helps, the strength that each of us need, the shoulder that is there when leaning back is all we can do, the understanding that shows we are not going mad, or falling from the very sight of society and the love of our fellow man/woman.

 

You see, I have come to realise that it is not about seeking for an answer. It is not about trying to be better or different. There is no need to feel alone or isolated and unsure.

 

All we can do is share. Sometimes our words will inspire, sometimes they will offend, but in the great big scheme of things, we are all alike, all here together and all able to be the support that each and everyone of us need at some stage in our lives. These posts, these cries, shouts of frustration, rants and raves, the words of comfort or encouragement are how we reach out and give each other hope, how we carry each other to the dawn of another day, how we open our hearts to show our deepest hurts, our biggest fears, our darkest thoughts and feelings. It is beautiful, heart warming and gives me strength in ways far greater than I can ever really express in words alone.

 

This is our place to be me, you, us. No pretense. No hidden hurts, no false smiles. We can come, open our heart and lay our stories, experiences, frustrations and hurts on the table for all too see, and in venting through this forum we build a community, a web of love, understanding and acceptance, despite our differences, despite our prejudices, aside from our daily lives. I am learning that we are all exposed, vulnerable, weak in some way. It is human to be imperfect. It is natural to be striving to be better and not always able to make it. This is what life is all about. Walking this road and learning that we are who we are, and who each of us are to each other.

 

A bit of a random post, and one a little out of the blue I know, but I just needed to say, that as hard as things get sometimes, it is a simple forum post that I daily draw encouragement, hope and strength from. Each of us come here with our rants, our problems and we share, and it is through that ability of each of us to open up and give me a chance to learn, understand and appreciate the complexities of life and living more each day that gives me what I need to go on.

 

This post has become a place for many of us to just be able to express so many things, and for each of you that share and take part in this community of support and love, thanks. Thanks for being honest and open enough to show me that I am not alone. Thanks for the kind words of encouragement that you give to me, thanks for the love that we express to each other. You may or may not know me, we may speak or may not, but each of you are important in your own special way. Keep smiling, keep fighting, keep striving to be you, better, bigger, happier and brighter. This world is a better place for our honesty and this type of community.

[Mark92]

Hey guys

 

Everything you have just said is the truth Rob .

 

I think about what I have. Number one is Stuby, I put him before anything now. The first person I have ever loved and who loves me. I cling to him somes days, and he gives me an internet kiss and a hug and just says, "I'm here baby, I'm always here." And I crawl back up again. I have my farm, my land, my animals. I'm comfortably off.

And yet, I still have nightmares, I still dread getting up somedays. I still have dark days, Something reminds me of mum, or a letter about something she did. I even get letters now and then from her cronies, asking me to go back to the flock. No fucking way!

And then there are the best times,when I'm laughing so hard with Stuby and his family my tears wet my cheeks. His mum or dad or sister, tell me to call them mum dad and sister. I have a family now. There are times me and Stuby cuddle up together albeit on skype, but we watch programmes and films, play games and play naughty games too. we laugh, cry and love.

But not only that. I have here, I'm here everyday. Sometimes I have time to post, sometimes it's a quick catch up.

The best thing is I'm learning and growing, I visit the gate every single day now, sometimes it's easy and I can get through it, and be comfortable with it. If I have had a bad night, I get close, but not too close, the fear returns. I back away and go back to the house. My lifeline PC always on, so I can reach out and find someone.

This thread is a comfortable cosy, living room, where friends meet and talk. It's a nice place to be. What this cosy room has is empathy. And so much love and kindness. It awesome.

 

Hugs to all

[joann414]

Mark, and Yettie, you guys made tears come to my eyes. It IS really great to have a place to come, not only for support, but when I come here a lot of times, it makes me appreciate my loved ones, my support, and the small amount of unhappiness and fear that I do have. I read posts here from each of you and see someone that has been so down a few days before, reaching out to someone else that is in the midst of unhappiness and depression. That speaks for itself as to how awesome and wonderful each individual is here. I appreciate each and everyone of you in a very special way. Hugs

[harcallard]

I can never say enough about how I feel about this blog and everyone here. We are here for a reason, but the main thing is we are here for each other

 

I began my restorative therapy last night..and last night was the best sleep I have had in a very long time....a person never really understands what sleep deprivation can really do to a person until you go

 

Each and everyone of us here have different problems or situations in our life's... Some of us have very similar ones as well....I love the fact that we are here for each other to listen, to lend a shoulder, or to help some get up off the ground. In the end , it doesn't matter that someone has the answers, it maters that someone was there to listen and give words of encouragement or even something as simple as a hug.... This for me, means the world.

 

I hope that you guys have a great day and the rest of the week,,,

 

Hugs and Love

Edited August 28, 2012 by harcallard

[comicfan]

I've always been of the opinion that no matter how bad things are for me, someone else has it worse. I get up and I go. I prefer to put a smile on my face because all a frown will do is force people away. I know things aren't perfect, that things won't magically get better, but I know they can get much worse if I don't try. So each day I get up, face the world, and try my best to do my part.

 

Life is the one thing no one gets out of alive. The only things I can do is try not to cause others intentional pain, help where I can, keep in touch with those I care about, and try not hide when I am in pain. For what good is it to hide my pain from those who love me, when they might be able to ease it? This thread, and this site as whole allows me a chance to share parts of myself. I might not show or tell all, but for those who want to get to know it is possible.

 

You can't get through life without being hurt. I've build walls that kept most people out for a long time. I learned to tear holes in them. I won't say I took them down, but I have learned that most difficult lesson, a life worth living involves the risk of getting hurt. So while I guard my heart I don't lock it away, but I'm careful who I let have access to it.

 

Dark times will come, pressures will build, and there are times I just want to hide in my bed, pull the covers over my head and stay there, but if I do I not only lose so do the ones who count on me. That is what motivates me when nothing else will. I know I am not alone. So hang in there ladies and gentleman. The ride might be hard but make the most of it. For without love and friendship you aren't living your life, you are hiding from it.

Edited August 28, 2012 by comicfan

[JOeKEool]

Hi Friends_I have to echo everything in the last few posts. I don't have the ability to express my thoughts as well as many of you do.

Yeti_your words are so true.

comic_ Mark_harcallard_I think it is all about allowing someone to see our weakness.

Just knowing we are not alone is so important. We are all still in the process of learning how to let people in. I think we all have those walls up , as comic said. Reaching out to comfort some one else is a good way to put holes in our walls.

By sharing here and knowing I am safe from shame or guilt I can let those walls come down a bit more each time. It carries over from here in the forum to "real" life as well.

I can make an ass of myself at times when dealing with people, but I have to accept that and learn from it. I now know I judge myself more harshly than others do. If I am able to accept my flaws, I won't be hurt by how I percieve others might judge me.

 

Thank you all for being there,

 

Joe

[joann414]

I feel ashamed sometimes. I watched the storm Isaac for days, moaned and complained about the inconvenience, extra work, yada, yada yada. Yes, we had downed trees( had to cut one to step off of our deck, and two more to get to work). We had no power for twenty-four hours. and was very easy on the water, because we are on a well. But you know what? I was not clinging to the roof of my house waiting for someone to come and get me. I did not have to leave my pets and belongins just to save myself. My power is restored, and I have put it all behind me when the folks south of me in New Orleans, are still trying to get power, be rescued, and find a place to stay. So, the next time, I am going to think twice before I bitch and moan. I was very lucky.

 

An example of the effect on others: My hubby and I went to the grocery store Wednesday afternoon. We just grabbed, beer, sandwich fixings, and other easy snacks. There was a lady and two children checking out in front of us. She had a gallon of water, bologna, loaf of bread, and a bag of cheap chips. One of the children said," You said we could have cinnamon rolls." The lady went and put the cinnamon rolls on the counter. She was two dollars and some odd cents short. My hubby tapped the children on the shoulder and said, " go get whatever else you want. They excitedly piled a bunch of chips, candy, soda, etc. on the counter. The total was still on thirty dollars or so. We paid for it. The woman hugged me and Jimmy, and was crying. She wanted our address. I told her no. no thanks needed. Just pass it on one day. She said" i promise I will do that." You know what" I believe her, and I am thankful just to be me, neither over abundanced or under. I am just able to give a little to ease someone else's needs.

 

Hugs all

[comicfan]

Joann - That was perhaps the sweetest thing I've heard in a while. I know you made her day and the smile on the kids' faces had to make you feel better. Sometimes it is the littlest things you can do that will make someone else feel wonderful. Glad to know there are people like you still around.

[Mark92]

Hey guys

 

Joann, that was a wonderful thing to do, if everyone was like that, the world would be so much brighter.

 

It's good to see you all keeping your heads up, and living the best you can. For me, my head is at a place where, I've decided to see a shrink again. Hoping on hope that he isn't a total prick the last one was.

I have a new doctor, my old one was in his seventies. My new one is female and as Yorkshire as they come. Says what she means and no messing. We do that here, I can talk to her, and have a laugh with her too. It's going to be very informal, she is bringing him on a Sunday, to look round the farm.She has been friends with him for a long long time, so she knows him well.

I'm not around as much lately, just because Stuby is at home, and I need to be with him. Stay well and keep happy my friends.

 

Hugs all round

[Mikelaing74]

Best of luck Marky, I hope it all goes well for you.

[joann414]

Mark, can so appreciate the fact that you want to spend time with Stuby. Never take time with your loved ones for granted. Hope things go better for you this time. Everyone here is so supportive, and we are here when you need or want to just vent.

 

Hope everyone else has a great weekend. Hugs

[Billy Martin]

You cannot discover oceans unless you have the courage to leave the shore. Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor, catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream.

 

There have been times I didn't want to go somewhere or do something because of the reactions I feared coming from people at the places I wanted to go or doing the things I wanted to do. But now, I'm liberated by leaving people to their own thoughts, and releasing mine to dream and explore all the possibilities that life offers. Liberated by not being boxed in by limitations created by others. Liberated by soaring with the eagles and allowing my dreams and hopes freedom from being grounded in others' traditions. I have come to realize that I am who I am, created by my creator and not by expectations of others. I know I am different from others, but so is everyone else, and that's something to celebrate rather than to be ashamed of.

 

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm so glad I joined GA, because of the caring people that belong here, like those of you that opens yourselves here in this very forum.

Edited September 2, 2012 by Billy Brat

[Arpeggio]

Recovering from pneumonia. The whole freaking month was nothing but aches and fever. -.-

[Mark92]

So sorry Lacey sending you a big farmer hug Get well soon please

 

 

Hugs all round

[harcallard]

yes get better soon lacey

[JamesSavik]

Recovering from pneumonia. The whole freaking month was nothing but aches and fever. -.-

 

I can't "like" that but I will send you *huge hugs*

 

I was sick last week with a nasty fever and it's no fun at all.

[joann414]

Wow , lacey. certainly hope you feel better, and perk up. Hugs. Jo ann

[Mark92]

Hey all

 

I've been away from here a couple of days, enjoying everything Stuby Busy with animals, inspections, vaccinations and a whole lot of what not. Looking forward to getting into the antho's, I'm halfway through a KC book I bought. And trying to catch up with everyone, when I can I get the shrink nearer the end of the month, it will be okay, or at least that is what I keep telling myself. I hope everyone is doing good?? Poor Unc is having the worst of times with weather and connection. Just want to wish all you beautiful people, the very best there is.

 

Hugs all round

[joann414]

Hugs to you Mark, and i am sure the doc visit will go fine. I don't blame you for giving Stuby your extra time. Hope wayne's situation improves, he is such a great person. Glad too hear from you, and hope everyone here is having a great weekend, and headed into a great week. Hugs all around!

[Breeze]

Hi all...Wow no one has posted here for a week now...I'm going to take that as a good sign. I hope all is good for y'all and I think of you often.

 

Anyway I guess I'm ok, but I've been stuck . I've been ready to go back to work for over 4 months now, but I havent made one move in that direction. I know fear of all that change is the big problem and I know what I should do to fix this, but I dont , I just dont. So tomorrow after my physio appointment I'm going to go and make an appointment with my counsellor. I haven't seen her for a few months now, but shes very cool, so it wont be a problem.

 

Anyway...take care everyone

Shelly

[JamesSavik]

I'm afraid all the time. About what might happen if I just let go.

If I embrace the chaos and the fire that's inside me.

It's would be so easy let go, explode and destroy.

Pure unfocused rage that burns through everything like thermite.

 

The Vikings had legends of berserkers: warriors who were so high on their own adrenalin that they fought beyond the point of death. That blood is in my veins and twice I have been in that state.

 

It is liberating; like being a super-hero. Your speed and strength is many times what it usually is. You are moving so fast you are a blur but everything seems to move in slow motion.

 

There is no pain. Blows may land and blades may bite but you don't feel them.

 

You are at one with an elemental force. Channeled chaos: red and hot and raw.

 

That's what lies beneath and why I must never lose control.

 

If I do, there will be no turning back.

[Mark92]

Hey guys

 

Thank you Joann we are having fun together, its not always smooth, but show me a relationship that is. Hugs for both of us are always welcomed.

 

Hi Breeze, I fear most things, as big as I am, its the unknown more than anything. Talking is always good.

 

Hello James, I have never felt like that. So I am not going to comment. Just wish you some calm in all that. Things might get better, there is always hope right?

 

And me? Well the shrink came on an informal visit on Sunday. My doctor brought him along. They are good buddies and came to tea.

Well I was up at five going through so many of my little rituals, that all stem from nerves. I let Baz and Lukey do the main chores while I concentrated on the house and baking.

I've got a lot of weird rituals too that concern more personal things like washing my hair, takes an hour, because of the way I have to do it, like a compulsion.

Anyway I had worked myself up into a frazzle for nothing. He was cool, he didn't ask me any questions about my past. He said he could get a good chunk of it from my doc. I made them tea and cake, and he watched me make it, and then I made them dinner too. He kept complimenting me how I do everything on auto. I dont know how I do it, I just do. They looked round the farm, there is no problems there I am an award winning farmer,. Is that bragging? You decide. I have said many times before farmer Mark, is a totally different person to Marky Mark. It was a fun day and I enjoyed it. The afternoon me and Baz brought in the rest of the hay, and the evening was with my baby. I went to bed smiling for once.

 

Hugs all