Jealous over boyfriends straight friends

[WilliamC99]

Hello all! New member here, wanted to get you guy's advice.

I'm 28 years old and have been dating my boyfriend for just over a year. Things are going great for the most part but I'm not the most secure person (working on it) and it sometimes causes issues because when I start to feel insecure about myself or my relationship - it tends to manifest into me putting up walls and shutting out the world and he hates when I do that. We genuinely care for each other and he currently even lives with me and we have healthy groups of individual friends as well as overlapping circles that have developed. However, he's always been the more social type and I find that he has so many more friends than I do. I know, I know, quality over quantity but as an extroverted introvert, it does sometimes make me envious of his (much) bigger social circle. Neither of us are the openly jealous type and we give each other freedom to live out our lives as I imagine healthy couples do.

The problem I'm coming to find myself tormented over is that he has quite a few straight guy friends that he texts and sees all the time. I've never really had many straight friends growing up so it makes me a little envious. What really bothers me about the situation though is that I know how attached he is to them and he's even admitted he would sleep with / date quite a few of them if they were even remotely gay. What makes matters worse for me is that those friends are all so cool with him and me and cross boundaries just for fun (we've both kissed several just for fun when out at bars). As fun as that seems and sounds, it really makes me uncomfortable and I've even had a serious conversation with him once asking if he and so-and-so have ever done anything behind my back, which he says no. It just makes me feel as if I'm 2nd choice because I constantly feel that if any of his friends had been gay, he'd be with them and not me. And now that we are together and they are straight, I don't like imaging what level his whole can't-have-what-you-want thing is getting with his friends. It's like being with someone who you feel is constantly wanting other people but just don't have the opportunity.

Is my jealousy/discomfort warranted or am I just letting my insecurities get the better of me? I don't want to restrict his social life nor should I, but I just feel off and it's not good for me. 

[Daddydavek]

Being a bit possessive is not a bad trait.  Obsessing and thinking your BF is/would be doing something behind your back is destructive to your relationship.  Never having any straight friends except his straight friends is a bit unusual and I'd advise you to respect boundaries and encourage the others to respect them too.  That's all you can do and hopefully things will sort themselves out over time.  The relationship is only just a year old and it should be growing for the rest of your lives if you nourish it and each other.  

[Former Member]

I’m wondering if you’ve talked to him about this. Fantasizing about sleeping with or dating someone doesn’t necessarily mean you’d actually do that if the opportunity arose. Your boyfriend is with you, not them. It doesn’t sound like he doing things to intentionally provoke you.

Insecurity and low self-esteem are difficult to deal with. I struggle with them and have had many discussions with therapists about the topic. I wish I had the solution to the problem, but you just have to concentrate on the things you know you do well and try not to obsess on the things you think you don’t do as well at.

Regardless of how your boyfriend reacts to the situation, working on your own insecurity is beneficial in the long run. The fact that you’re asking these questions is a good thing. It’s much better than bottling them up and reacting out of frustration later. Communication is vital if your relationship is going to last.