Train by Birdsofafeather

[AFriendlyFace]

I loved the way this story was told alternating between Micah (which I've always thought was a sexy name), and Trevor's perspective. I don't want to give anything away but it certainly had some unexpected twists and turns.

My favourite set of lines was definitely:

 

 

[LittleBuddhaTW]

I was also very impressed by this story, and I hope that we will see more of Birdie's work in the future. The storyline and character development were all nicely done, and the whole thing was quite touching. Definitely one of my faves from this season's anthology collection!

 

One of the things that impressed me most was that even though Birdie is not a native speaker of English (in fact, I believe he's only spoken English for about 3-4 years), his writing is A LOT better than many native speakers, and he didn't even use an editor! As a professional linguist who has studied five different foreign languages, I can assure everyone that that is an incredible feat.

 

Maybe he could even write a story for us in Spanish one day, eh?

 

*Hugz*

 

LB

[Jack Frost]

One of the things that impressed me most was that even though Birdie is not a native speaker of English (in fact, I believe he's only spoken English for about 3-4 years), his writing is A LOT better than many native speakers, and he didn't even use an editor! As a professional linguist who has studied five different foreign languages, I can assure everyone that that is an incredible feat.

Well, not trying to critize his way of writing, but personally I think throwing a fancy word here and there doesn't really make him better than many native speakers. I am not a professional linguist, but I don't need to be one to judge anyhow...since I'm a language freak and I studied many subjects on that matter alone simply it's my interest. To my experience, learning English in 3-4 years is not really an impressive feat since I already saw many cases like that. But yes yes yes...he still deserves full credit! It is embarrassing for me to get my dictionary to understand what a non-native speaker is trying to say...good thing I didn't have to do that when I read "Train"...but there are countless of times when my boyfriend, a French and Vietnamese native speaker, does that to me. *blushes*

 

 

 

Now to the story! I found one slip-up...a no-no in writing, writing "you" as "u". But I'll forgive you since I am sure it's just a slip-up that passed your radar. Sorry, I can't help myself...it's my pet peeve to see that in a story.

 

But what the hell...Micah..Dharma???!!!

 

Never liked the ending...but it's just me, since death doesn't do me well usually.

 

Overall, I like what I read. ^^

[C James]

I hope birds won't mind me telling about this, but it makes the beautiful writing in "Train" even more impressive. Birds had the entire story done and ready to send in, right before he was to leave on a trip on which he would have no computer access. Then his computer crashed and took with it a large part of what he'd written. In just two days, he rewrote the entire second half of the story, with no perceptible effect on the quality of the writing.

Kitty

 

Wow, that's writing!!

 

Birds, This was great! I loved the way you segued into things, and the general presentation. I certainly hope that you will write more!

[Jack Frost]

You can see "u" around the very beginning of the story. First paragraph actually. Word never really catches that as a mistake, so don't take that program for granted.

 

I still like it. I hope you'll write more (without pressure...just a mere wish. )

[knotme]

I hope by now that the reader has read "Train" end-to-end. If not, stop, because I intend to spill major beans.

And, I didn't learn English in three years... I learned it within months

Holy Cow! Then I gotta say "Keep swinging that bat, slugger!" Your batting average isn't too bad, and it's going improve rapidly. In the Fall Anthology, I look forward to more of the likes of "My life felt like a poem made from stolen sheets, of ancient ink" and less of "the devouring sleeping bag". (The regurgitating sleep bag? Heh heh. And if my baseball analogy throws you, well, it serves you right for dangling what is probably a lovely poem in front of me in Spanish. I cranked it through the miserable remnants of my Romance-language skills, and out plopped a turd).

 

I love the set-up: To give a guy a vacation from a home and school made inhospitable partly through her actions, Micah's best friend drags him to the home of a fellow gay and a homophobic father. With friends like that, I wouldn't need... but for no good reason, it bothers me to speak ill of the dead. I confess that Dharma's check-out leaves me befuddled. Yes, she wanted Micah (as what, and for what?). Maybe she hoped to take credit for introducing Micah to Trevor, and then participate in some drawn-out dance of courtship for three. But I don't get it. Maybe she didn't either, and that's part of the point. Maybe I'm too old and, not dealing often with teenagers, I can only remember vaguely that suicide runs close to the surface at that age. Take for instance,

We made our way through the crowd, one black tie after another; a suicidal parade of sorrowing souls, if you ask me.

None of my cohort and circle of friends would say that. (Maybe one or two might possibly think it? Hhhmm...) On the other hand,

The day was filled with white lilies and hypocritical smiles.

is a home run for all ages. As others have said above, there's some pretty writing here. I have not yet given up hope connecting with the central theme. I'm going to ponder further this beautiful construction for clues:

The only person in this world who really knew me was Dharma. She

Edited September 1, 2006 by knotme