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Midnight's Rainbow


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Here is where you can find the Prologue.

 

https://www.gayauthors.org/eficiton/viewstory.php?sid=215

 

The first chapter will be out shortly (with any luck).

 

Please place comments, criticisms, and suggestions here!

 

Thanks!

 

Shannon

 

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Edit... Many of my stories (lol many... well there haven't been but a couple) but anyway, I have made it a habit of posting them @ Nifty as well. This one will not be. It will only be available here. (I guess I'm limiting the scope of suffering hehehe) If you happen to go blind, start bleeding from the eyes and ears, or drop dead... well... uhh... post that you were reading from someone else!

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Ah, I loved it! Every story gets more and more interesting :) (to me, at least :P )

 

I found 'one' discrepency:

You do not need to reiterate by adding 'restraints', you already have the idea of 'strained' and 'bounds'. I really do love your plethorically descriptive style, but make sure you avoid 'fancy' reiteration.

 

You truly are an amazing writer. Your ability and eloquence are very rare-- I don't care what anyone else says (if there is actually someone who doesn't like your writing).

 

Great Job

 

Birds

 

LOL! I knew I should have sent it to you first... DAMN!... I'll fix that. I hope you're ready for some work. I'm not going to sleep tonight until chapter 1 is ready for your review.

 

The funny thing though.... was that this story, came from one of my nightmares. Well... the prologue anyway... the rest... heh well... we'll WING IT!

 

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Fixed!

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This is good! I feel inspired to offer a small suggestion. In place of

 

"With her words I watched as my father was surrounded by the growing crystal. It enveloped him quickly capturing the expression of rage on his face. His features were distorted by the bend of the octagonal surface as it encased him completely.",

 

might I suggest something like

 

"With her words, a crystal quickly grew to a surrounding (or enveloping) octagon, diffracting my father's (or his) sharp features into a grotesque, then amorphous rage."

 

What I'm trying to do is get away from the odd notion of an octagon being bent. An octagon is piecewise planar. Perhaps you mean bending transmitted light? "Bending light" is too ordinary a phrase to end this high-octane prolog, so I'm trying to use diffract.

 

Picky, I know, but you set a high standard, and this is the final image.

 

What are we to make of the mother saying, "The worlds are now truly forgotten." Is she commenting on the king's lack of perspective? Or is this part of her curse?

 

What are Siegna?

Edited by knotme
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This is good! I feel inspired to offer a small suggestion. In place of

 

"With her words I watched as my father was surrounded by the growing crystal. It enveloped him quickly capturing the expression of rage on his face. His features were distorted by the bend of the octagonal surface as it encased him completely.",

 

might I suggest something like

 

"With her words, a crystal quickly grew to a surrounding (or enveloping) octagon, diffracting my father's (or his) sharp features into a grotesque, then amorphous rage."

 

What I'm trying to do is get away from the odd notion of an octagon being bent. An octagon is piecewise planar. Perhaps you mean bending transmitted light? "Bending light" is too ordinary a phrase to end this high-octane prolog, so I'm trying to use diffract.

 

Picky, I know, but you set a high standard, and this is the final image.

 

What are we to make of the mother saying, "The worlds are now truly forgotten." Is she commenting on the king's lack of perspective? Or is this part of her curse?

 

What are Siegna?

 

I've read your suggestion probably 20 times now and I'm just not sure. Here's what I'm going to go with.

 

I watched as my father was surrounded by the growing crystal. It enveloped him quickly capturing the expression of rage on his face. His features were distorted by the facets of the octagonal surface as it encased him completely.

 

'The worlds are now truly forgotten' is her observation as much as it is fact. You'll get more on that in Chapter One as well.

 

You get to find out what Slegna are in the first chapter ;) With any luck, it'll be out soon!

 

I like prologues, though I know many people do not. In my opinion it's the first scene. I can do anything with it I want. Make it as long or as short as I like, and pull the scene from anywhere in the story. It's an opportunity to grab the reader, shake their brains, and then (with luck) they'll want to read through the story to figure out what it means.

 

That you ask 'What are Slenga' tells me that it has done it's job.

 

 

Thanks for reading and I hope you like what comes next!

 

Take care!

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