Andrew Q Gordon

I was going to take the opposite side for balance, but I don't even want to use 'girl friend,' 'miss thing,' 'girl!' or any of the other 'names' we get called by our friends. So I have to go on the side of 100% with you here. Though I hope "booty' is still acceptable.

What he said! I loved the concept and the beginning of the story but if I may offer a suggestion, unless this is going to be a flash back, you might want to do a tad more character development before you get to the 'let me sacrifice myself and save the world in the process.' But then, what do I know Andy

Mark, At the risk of needing my frame retardant suit, I agree with you in principle that we can't put different stamps on the same conduct. Intolerance is intolerance but as I posted on someone else's blog - how do you make nice with people trying to kill you? I don't think it is a stretch to say we don't need to like Fred Phelps or his ilk. I think I am allowed to really dislike him - a lot. You are right to say we can't sweep a whole group and say we hate you - but I am not sure I can't do that when said group says 'I hate you and want to kill you." I don't hate muslims, just as I don't hate christians, but I don't have any use or tolerance for those who spew hate and advocate hurting others just to forward their agenda. The problem is if you belong to the larger group - Muslims, Christians, whatever, and you don't stand up against said hate and violence, why shouldn't I think you are part of it? As one Radio Pastor is fond of saying in our area - "Not a sermon, just a thought." Ok, got my suit on, blast away human torch.

Agree or disagree, that was an awesome post - great use of the pictures. If I hear you right, I agree with you -we don't want to make nice with our enemies - the problem is who are our enemies - I knew this boy since he was 12 American Terrorist he was twisted by the mosque he joined. How do you make nice with that?

Two quick follow ups: I was not clear this was 'our' future you were writing about - hence the comment on watch the colloquialisms. If it is, then ignore the comment, if it is not, I would try to weed them out. The shower was just an example, and I realized it after I hit send that my comment didn't come across as general but very specific. The dresser is a good example of what I was suggesting you do - we don't know HOW it works but we know magic is involved. We don't need to know HOW the shower works but dropping a line like - 'Adam always wondered what if the magic that controlled the temperature or the water pressure' it just takes a sentence or two. - Actually as I write this it is rather nit picky but I think it adds dimension to your world The whole comma thing before quotes is another one of issues too. Somewhere in my house is a book on self editing, if I find it, I will look it up and send you what it says. If you need a proof reader/ editor let me know, now that I am caught up on the chapters it won't spoil it for me. Andy PS I draw the line at editing on Posts, I know there are many errors in mine so no need to apologize for that.

Hamen, Finally caught up - wonderful thing vacations, you can do whatever you want - Few things: Most good, some a bit of constructive feed back. The good: Your character development is great. I feel like I know Adam, Jacob and Anehold. You do a great job of showing us their emotions, especially through Adam, who is after the POV of the story. Your 'world' is really fascinating - your explanation of magic was clear and imaginative. It also left enough 'unanswered' questions to leave room for us to wonder what is next. Nice work The plot is great - even if we don't understand it. Leaking bits and pieces in a way that is fluid is hard and you manage to do it brilliantly - The slow introduction of characters, each with a bit of character development that you add to along the way is engaging, it is enough for me to 'see' them and 'know' them, but leaves me eager to learn more. Okay, the constructive feed back - also know to some as constructive criticism but I prefer the former as I am offering it as observations Starting from the point of - those who can't teach - you need to tighten up your punctuation. As I have been repeatedly told there is almost always a comma before the word 'but' Unless you are using it as " there was no one there but him." I don't know the proper words for it, but when you tie two thoughts together like that, you need to use a comma - look it up cause I am not explaining it will You use a few colloquialism that seem out of place in your 'world' I am not sure 'cool' or other such slang we use should be used there. Make up your own because it is not modern day Ohio that the story takes place. Somehow the dormitory looks like a modern day dorm. Showers with curtains? How? Does magic run their plumbing? Or does magic just supply the water? If you are going to introduce modern conveniences, give us an explanation of how it works, because it shouldn't be like the dorm showers at Big State U. Last, look to reduce some of the wordiness. I can go back and give examples but here is an example of what I mean 'he took off his shirt and dropped it on the floor.' Unless he is on something else, we can infer it fell on the floor. better to say. 'he took off his shirt and dropped it" I know that wasn't in your story but there were a few examples of that and if you like I can go back and point them out but I think you get the idea. For the most part you do not do this. But there are times [again, I am guilty of it too] where you walk us through the entire action when we can infer it from the rest of the information you supply - just keep that in mind as you edit. Andy

Congrats are WAY too premature, this is just a class I am taking to try to get published, as one poster noted, it is hard to get into print so there is no guarantee it will ever get there. If not I will make sure to post it back here - again all this assumes I am going to work on this for the class - it looks that way but I am not decided yet. Andy

Mike you are something else - where can I find ten more good people like you? Seriously, thanks for your encouragement, it makes me feel better about whatever I decide. Andy

Thanks for the encouragement [the first part that I cut out] and for the realistic summation of what is happening. That is my struggle, is it realistic to expect it will be published. Probably not, but if I don't follow through [assuming I decide to go with this and not my original choice] I am wasting my time with the class - at least that is what I am telling myself and I am sticking to it. Thanks again for the note. Andy

Sorry to do this, but it is looking more and more like I need to take down my story. I am taking a class on novel writing that has as a goal preparing to submit a story for publication. As part of the class I had to submit two ideas for for the novel I wanted to work on. The first one I gave was the one I though I would focus on for class - a fantasy novel I had been working on for a while. Since I was required to submit two, it was easier to submit an idea I had put some work into, so I submitted Second Shot - using a different title at the time - as my second idea. All along I expect to focus on idea one and this was just to fulfill my assignment requirement. Of course after reviewing both ideas, the instructor suggests I focus on Second Shot not the one I expected to use. He said there is a better market for this type of story, that fantasy submissions are flooding the market and Second Shot is a more manageable submission than a multi-book fantasy story. After asking around on GA and elsewhere it has been strongly suggested I not only stop posting, but I take down the entire story if I have designs on trying to get it published. I was told publishers are not nearly as interested in something that is already posted somewhere for free. Even if I take it down, if it was completed, they will still likely reject it. So now I am going over my options and tying to decide what to do; use the fantasy story I wanted for class despite the lower odds of being published or take the instructor's advice and go with this story as my class assignment. I am not sure what I am going to do yet, I want to explain the situation to my instructor - i.e. that I started posting idea two on here to get feed back on my writing expecting I would not be using it for class - as well as speak to a friend of mine who has published a dozen or so books in her career. She and I are having lunch on Wednesday. Right now, however, the odds on favor is I take down the story and use it for class. If I go that route, I apologize for being ignorant of the dos and don'ts on posting on GA and being published. I am not happy about starting and stopping like this, especially after all the great support and feedback I have received so far. It feels like I used the site to get something I needed then turned my back on the community once I got it. It wasn't my intention to do that, in fact i was planning to post the entire story, use the feed back I received to make it better, then seek publication. As I said, I was told that approach will really hurt my chances. Maybe it is the height of hubris to expect I can get published, but I am taking the class with that goal in mind so doing something counter productive to that goal seems foolish. I can either dropped the class or do what they suggest. I am going to do the latter, it is just a matter of which story I pursue. Thanks for reading so far and feel free to send me nasty PM's for emails or doing this. Andy

Things change is all I can say. Though a certain person who shall remain nameless but who has been really helpful has made a few suggestions - he is beta reading for me - so I might need to add a couple sections to what I have written which might take a bit of time. On the bright side - well bright side for me that is - I kinda start vacation today - I have to go to work on Monday but technically I am on leave so as soon as I am done I can bolt - so I plan to tie up a few loose ends and get it out to some people to read for me. I think it has gotten better for all the suggestion folks have offered. Thanks for reading Mike, and I promise to put links in here after. [or i can just shoot you a note - depends on how modest I feel.

Thanks Mike, I know there is the announcement section and I have used it for some of the other chapters, but in all honesty I feel . . . I don't know - cheesy? too self promoting? I don't know it just feels too much like rah rah rah me me me. Especially if I post two or three times a week - most of this is written, it is a matter of just editing and posting. In choosing not to do an announcement, I was going to do them two at a time so when I post 8 i will put links to both. But again thanks for doing this. Andy

Anyta - Couple quick answer/responses. Peter - his time will come, be patient - this part is about Jason, next part is about them both and Peter's issues come out then - Sorry Jian - he won't be perfect even though I know you want him to be Wendy - this too shall be fleshed out. Right now however, I may need to go back and add a few details about their relationship. I mean there is more coming - a lot more where their friendship is put on full display but maybe I need to toss in some now so it makes sense later. Finally, on advice - well here is my take, I am not good enough by half to ignore advice from others. Same at work, I am one of the more experienced prosecutors - but my boss can and does still come over in the middle of trial and offer useful suggestion. Rather than be offended, I try to listen with an open mind. I may not use the suggestions but it is only if I have a solid reason for NOT listening to it. Same here. I don't promise to use everything you suggest - otherwise we might right exactly the same - but everything you say has merit and I appreciate them all. In order to know it is good or bad, I need to reflect on what I did and why. THAT all by itself is great stuff. Even if in the end I stick to what I did. I operate on the same principle when I offer advice - it is helpful great, if not no problem either. Thanks again for everything. you are a godsend

Damn, I am the odd freak out - just one, and half the time i end up sharing it with the bf.

I was kidding - well not about do you buy lots of red pens - it is awesome stuff - if you stop I will start kicking myself for being unable to refrain from my constant use of sarcasm. Okay back to the work ughh - one more day until my first vacation in more than a year Ciao

Anyta - Um, question, do you buy red pens by the case??? Seriously, thanks for that I will go back and change a few things. [i am not even going to try to do tackle the comma thingys - look if e.b.white could eschew capital letters, i can forget a few comma's here and there - that's my final answer!!!:mace: I think the italics thing might work for all 'texting' I wasn't exactly sure how to convey it. That and transferring from the word processor to the forum tends to do away with my formating so I tried to stick with quotes, have to see next time. I will get back to you with the beta reading. What I see as an issue is you need to finish this first part before I can send you the 'bridge' most of it won't make sense until then. So we are a few weeks or more away from that. I will let you know when I get closer. I want to finish it first THEN I can finish posting what I am good with before sending out the chapters that I am not so good with. Thanks to you and Jian for the offers. And I owe you a box of red pens now. Andy

Okay since I am talking to myself here, I promise not to post again without a few other posts from other people first. Chapter 6 is up, I am told I should be able to post future chapters sooner. I am good for another 6 Chapters or so, then I have hit a bit of a snag. If anyone(s) wants to help me connect the two parts of the story, [as in help me and Jian who is being an absolute god send with all the help he has given,] I would welcome the help. Basically, I have the build up - the part you are reading now, and the 'event' - not telling more on the forum. I wrote the event part first then wrote the background. I am stuck - sort of - between the two. When I say sort of, I found it easy to write this part and the next part but not so easy to connect the two. I feel the bridge chapter suffer and would welcome some input. Thanks for reading and posting Andy

I would that it was something witty and amazing insightful like some - [Nephylim you amaze me more and more with everything you write!] Quonus was a character - a not so nice one [really evil actually] - in short story I wrote for a class. 10 is 2010 - as if ANYONE else was going to Use Quonus that I needed to add number right? I wanted it to be fairly anonymous on account of work - not that I should worry too much, I doubt the criminals I lock up read this site but still. Andy

Let me know if you wnat my input - one knows I am not shy about offering my opinion

For those reading and wondering, I posted Six early Saturday but the validation queue seems to be moving slowly. Seven is ready to go once Six is validated and I am almost ready to post Eight. Next week I am on vacation -from work - so I will try to get caught up and get at least the rest of the first half complete. From there, I am still working to bridge to the second part. 40% done there. Check back in later.

Up to chapter 8 and really you are talented. I am really blown away by the detail you created in your 'world,' as well as how you don't get us -the reader - bogged down in too much detail. This is great stuff - IMHO. My only bitch/complaint/observation is - on a two day ride back to the Mage city you couldn't find Jacob a shirt? I mean what is he doing, channeling his inner Tarzan [or was it Boy] Looking forward to being caught by the time you get to chapter 19. Thanks for sharing, then when you are a published best selling sci/fi fantasy writer I can say I knew you when.

Anyta, 12 was really good - but one question - where was the over the top sweet and sappy you were worried about? Seriously, that was a great mix, anyone who has ever been in love - knows how the euphoria of the first date/dates goes. There is that mix of 'god this guy is so hot, handsome, sexy, amazing' and that twinge of, let's make this last forever. Nice ending, way to ruin his good mood with <play the snarky sound bit here> Dad! Ciao Andy

Yes, yes, I know; I keep telling people I HATE commas, dumbest invention ever after that whole i before e, except when you drink Hi-C or whatever. Seriously, thanks for the feed back, I am working to cut down on those errors, but it will probably only show up when I start re-writing or writing new stuff. My ADD kicks in after a page, two max, so it would take days to get out one chapter if I tried to find every grammatical error. Thanks for the encouragement and keep hitting me with the grammar lessons, eventually I will listen. Andy

Anyta, One conflict is gone but in its place came two more - almost like a mythical Hydra. Chapter 11 really meshes with the revised Chapter 10. So kudos there. One question - are you really writing this as you go or just revising what you already wrote? I couldn't start to post something I hadn't finished because I change things too much later on - as in something I need to put in chapter 7 needs a revision in chapter 3 that kind of thing. Anyway, looking forward to 12. Andy

HC [not sure how else to address you ] Ok so I read the spoiler - it won't ruin anything for me. but i cut it out of the reply just in case others don't want to read it. [That and I haven't figure out how to use the spoiler feature yet.] Let me say that it impressive - seriously - very impressive. It is clear you have a very good handle on how to deal with tricky science/magic dynamic. I have questions BUT I will wait until I get to those parts of the story where you raise the explanation and see if they are answered. I need to spend more time reading but then I will have to wait too long for the next chapter so I better pace myself. Hopefully this won't turn into a two person thread, you are writing an incredibly creative story, I want to hear how others feel. Thanks for sharing. Andy