Andrew Q Gordon

Basically you hit on it, the whole Hero thing, with the power of light, Iago, etc. Karasu's arrival and the issues of the fledglings all that the feel that the story is about to get to next phase - as in the emotional dynamic between the two was set, it would be resolved and then the next issue was there to for them to deal with. I can see why this is important to where you want to end things in that it got Kiba to make a decision about Avy - but it was something of a head fake - hence my thinking if this is where the story is going, then this needs more information. However, if what is happening next is we wrap up Kiba and Avy and do not revisit the elements in this chapter my comments can be ignored. Andy

So here I am back for our 'private' chat Seriously, I suppose it is wishful thinking but I keep hoping that if people keep seeing the different authors' stories come up for discussion peeps will stop by to read and maybe comment? Perhaps what I need to do is write a scathing attack on someone's work that is completely off based and wrong just to prompt people to flock to the author's defense. But of course that would tick off a lot of people who would then either not respond to me or trash me. Oh well On to the latest chapter. I know this was more of a bridge chapter, designed to fill in some more background on our love birds, but I still really liked it. The end was sweet - bout time poor Dane had a few days of nothing but nice people around him. However, when I first read it, I had this nagging feeling the nurse was there to hurt him - i.e. dad put her up to it, Maybe because of how the chapter started, but then I realized it was not that and she just was a sweet woman whose heart ached for the poor kid who was so hurt. So then I went back and read that part again and all was good in my world. One comment - not it falls under criticism - maybe more of a spoiler so I will treat it as such to protect your readers who venture over this way [snort, chuckle, laugh - sorry] Nice chapter over all, as much as I like Dane - and who wouldn't he is truly a sweet kid - I think I like TAP more - he is just such a kind wonderful kid in an innocent sort of way - the ones you want to meet and marry.

Okay Stop- One more to go as 'kids?' huh?? Never mind, I will wait to read it when you post it. Seems you dealt with the aura issue we talked about quite nicely - makes sense he can control it if he can retract it. Be interesting to see why he is going into town alone - can't imagine what he has to get right away - I mean it's not like some big day is coming up or anything. Andy

Can't say I understand why 12 will be the last chapter, there seems a bunch of material you dropped in chapter 11 that could do with a lot more play. Now if you feel this is the first of a series then sure it makes sense. But the opposite of too much is to cram too much into too little space. One of the great things about a sci-fi type story is your ability to delving into things with your characters that give them demensions and life while explaining things you want to flesh out [no pun intended.] But I will leave that to you - since you know this best - I liked 11 but as you might guess from my above comments - I found it a bit rushed - there was so much there. Nothing bad, but I found myself wanted to know a bit more about things that were happening. Anyway, nice - looking forward to 12 and perhaps the sequels Andy

Hero and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon were both among my favorite as was Curse of the Golden Flower - but my favorite ones are those I would watch on Saturdays - something like Kung Fu theatre - those "b" movies where the dubbing was horrible and they always said - "so you think your Kung Fu is pretty good." and some white haired Master would kick the crap out of anyone but the hero. They were worth having it rain on a saturday

Although it is a day late, here is an article I received on the "TRUTH" about bisexuality. Truth About Bisexuality Now I won't vouch for it's accuracy or anything, but since it came to me on this day after I figured I would share it.

Happy birthday Steve - Make it a good one

You are just loving this aren't you Dark One? All the flames of tension and anticipation you are trying to fan? Teasing everyone by pretending one thing then doing another? Me? I am not so cruel, I would just be quiet. But the tux is pressed and ready, and the pocket squares are crisp and smart looking. Given I am dark haired, prone to letting my heart lead me and not diplomatic enough to be even a manager let alone king, I will be on the House Gabriel side. Look for me when you preside over the wedding.

Um - is this a slip of the tongue and you just revealed the ending or were you speaking hypothetically as in, IF they were parted THAN that is exactly what WOULD happen? Your use of the word 'will' sounds like you just gave us the ending -

You people get all the good stuff - both sides to pick from AND your very own day. What are you doing to celebrate? Um wait - on second thought don't answer that, just have a great day. Andy

Happy Birthday M - I saw your Status Update saying you are over the hill - damn if you are over the hill I must be under the mountain Have a great day - your twenties will be a rocking time - enjoy them. Andy

This is easy to fix without a long list of things - Scott is 13 he HAS to be curious about it - he asks, Rune explains - being interrupted along the way of course by Scott's confused follow up questions. Or someone walks in and Rune is making something that should be there no longer visible. Scott of course doesn't know there is a problem - say his mom walks in and Rune is making the chair he is sitting on invisible, so mom asks what happened to the chair - that leads to Scott asking about it because he doesn't see the affect Rune has - something like that. Two chapters is not enough to explain everything without detracting from what you are trying to accomplish - the dynamic between the two - but soon the lack of understanding will be a distraction to the readers who will start to ask - 'um why is this but not that?' As for you being worried - pish posh - you will find a way to make it fabulous and we both know it

I see what you were saying about a shift - but frankly if you didn't/don't shift your story is about over - your build up was for Kiba to 'take' Avy, to get him to be his. That happened in the last chapter - there wasn't much more play in the line. SO this is an excellent transition point. More than that, it is a great new direction. Avy went from needing someone to fill the void his abusive, neglectful father left to taking over the roll his father had in the house was an interesting twist. Kiba's reactions, were not in character - or at least not what we expected and you explain that really well - which in turn shows us that it WAS/IS in character. I think this is great stuff - you are making us - the readers - see exactly what you want when you want and how you want. It is not easy to do but you are doing it well. Keep it up Andy

I kind of hate being one of two or three people who keep your thread alive - but then it is the same with mine so I keep at it. The good - So F'ing creative!!! I love it. An invisible boy - whodda thunk that??? What I really appreciate is how much thought goes into things - how does he eat, how does he bathe, how does he get clothing, what does he do to pass the time, how does he stay warm - all those things which we take for granted. AND thy are handled in this round about way that we learn it but we don't sit down and get a list. This is truly first love/crush. This young is hard - just remember to keep at least Scott in character - 14 is very different from college age in so many ways. Rune on the other hand is 15 going on 36 given what he has been through - at least what it is hinted he has been through. The Bad - Nothing! Comments - Things I am sure you thought about and will address, but haven't yet. Clothing - how does this and his bag stay invisible? It can't be just by a touch because once it leaves his person it is visible - his blood, his 'gifts' to Scott, etc. Now if contact with Rune makes him invisible, does Scott become invisible when he touches Rune? Seems he has to otherwise nothing else would be - So every time he touches Scott, Scott ought to disappear. Might get hairy with Scott's parents, or it might be useful to sneak out, or better yet, be together right in plain view. Does Rune leave a mark - footprint, dent in the bed sitting down? How come the bed he is sitting on doesn't vanish as well? It is in contact with him just like the canvas bag etc. His shoes don't touch his person - he had socks on but the shoes aren't visibile. Just tossing these out - not that you need to explain everything but you started it by making his clothing and bag invisible too - so what is the area affected? In theory at least, if he is sitting on something touching something or what not it ought to turn invisible too. Or maybe it needs prolonged exposure to him or something, but then the clothing he borrows from Scott would take a moment to disappear. IDK but think about it. Typically in the invisible man type movies, the person has to be naked or else the clothing gives them away. Otherwise - nothing to say - I still think this is brilliant. Andy

NO, Great Story - you handle the interaction between the two - Zeel and Jake - very well. Dealing wtih Zeek's issues in a way that to me at least, appears realistic. One thing I really like was how all the fights Jake got in to protect Zeek were told from Zeek's perspective. Not only does it do away with reading 'Jake punched Rick in the chest, Rich punched Jake in the face etc,' but we learn about it in the same way Zeek would leran about it - getting information filtered and censored from Jake - we really never know exactly what happened to Jake, how bad he was hurt, how determined he was to stop Rick etc. We know some of this but Zeek learns it only from Jake and that is where we get it from. Very Nicely Done! Two things, - I have said this before on other threads so I will say it here too - you shift perspectives a lot here - it can and does get confusing who we are hearing from. Sometimes - not often - the change is not readily apparent. It would be helpful if you would indicate whose perspective we are getting almost in the first line. Minor complaint really because I ALWAYS know who is talking at some point. This just might be a pet peeve of mine so take it with a grain of salt. The second thing is sort of a back handed compliment. As the chapters have progressed you skills as a writer have gotten noticeably better - and I mean that with all sincerity and as a true compliment. When I started reading this I didn't find it as polished as Indiana Summer. But as I got to the last 3-4 chapters I could see the difference and it was all for the better. Your story telling was never an issue - you have great imagination and vision. We feel your characters, they are not one or two dimensional and we get the sense we know them. Lovers Blind is now equally as polished as I.S. Not sure if that came across right, but what I was trying to say is I could tell you have been working hard on this and it truly shows. Andy

Several things Nephylim - 1) THIS IS WHAT IS GONNA HAPPEN! , no doubt, despite your protestations. Nice try but it would be totally out of character for everyone. 2) IF something happened to either my view is both would wither. Unless House Michael was behind it. Astrin - despite all his strengths is not the the stronger of the two. His psyche is more fragile than Rowans. Even if House Michael was behind Rowan's death - he would not likely survive that kind of loss. Partly because he is not yet the head of house Rafael and could not force a war with House Michael and would either die seeking revenge or die from a broken heart - that seems most consistent with the prophecies. Rowan on the other hand has dealt with loss of a heart wrenching nature - in my mind this would ruin him - he would become as bad or worse than Strebo - mostly because he is smarter than Strebo. He would destroy House Michael or ruin House Gabriel in the process - and House Rafael as well because they would be drawn into it. If Astrin were to kill himself or die by accident - Rowan would follow. He would have nothing left to cling to. He said when he stopped hating Astrin and house Rafael there was a void in his soul that Astrin filled - he would have nothing to fill that except his hatred for house michael or whomever killed Astrin, barring that - he would join his soul mate in death, NOW none of that is going to happen because the prophecies said that IF they found a way to keep the two together - and they did - Astrin would become a great king - and behind every great king/man is a better woman . . . er man in this case Nice try for 4 chapters but I am not selling the tux Andy

Nephy, I would offer my condolences but you do not seem to need them, so instead I will join you in hoping your mum has found peace. I also wish you the same peace as you remember her in whatever way you feel best. Andy

Ok, two things, 1) I saw the hints you were dropping So I guess it isn't that I didn't know, or better said, suspect the issue coming, it's that you didn't get to it already. 2) That said, this is YOUR story and I would rather you write it YOUR way. Otherwise it would be me reading my story written by you - not what I want. So, ignore my comments from the previous post and keep on going as you have been. I will trust you to know what you are doing - at least until chapter 4 since that is when you said most of this will be clear. [amazing how the morning gives me a fresh perspective. maybe I ought to do all my reviews first thing in the am rather than at night before bed.] Andy

I am confused by a lot but in a good way - you lay out a ton of things here - Adam and Jacob's symbiotic relationship visa via their shared power, the gossip around Adam, the Aerophalanx, combat magic and more. There is so much to learn still that I don't really know what is next here. I find your vision of magic and how it is employed through various objects and skill fascinating. Poor Brian, he best not fall for Adam, Jacob won't be pleased Andy

Anyta, I have always said good things about your work and now I wish I had saved a few superlatives for this. Imaginative, original, engaging, mysterious, I mean these are all there in addition to your usual flare for showing us your characters inside and out. You take us to the edge of too much detail, but pull back at just the right time. We get to see your setting but not in such a way we bog down. It really is quite brilliant. Really this is quite engrossing for the reader. I can't believe you were concerned folks might not be interested Andy

HC, I am not in love with this the way I am with ATSW - and it has nothing to do with fantasy vs. modern. I read Cia's comments and would second them. You are 7K words into this and we don't have a reason to want to keep reading - by that I mean, what is the issue? A day or days in the life are not enough of a hook. As with your other stories, you characters are well done and you let us know them, but right now, I am not sure I care about them enough - I really am NOT trying to be critical, I enjoy your work but would be dishonest if all I ever did was say 'good, great job' or brilliant. I guess what I am getting at is unlike a fantasy novel, where you can spend time giving people the 'lay of the land' or explaining the background to the story - things people are interested in - here you need to fill us in on their lives in snippets woven into the story. I suspect - which is why I keep reading - this will be resolved sooner than later, so I am not down on the story. But if you don't hook us next chapter, it better be the mother of all interesting chapters. Can I ask a few questions - feel free to ignore me after all the above. 1) Is Derek really supposed to be a Jerk? I didn't take him that way, though in reading the reviews it seems he is supposed to be. This might be a factor of not knowing what is the conflict yet. My thought was you were just presenting him in this way for a reason., which leads to question two; 2) Is this over the top self love by Derek being offered tongue in cheek satire? If not, if this Derek's acting as he will through out the book - it is too over the top. My thinking is that is the point that Derek is a legend in his own mind and reality is different from his perception of it. He is not as well loved as he thinks. But if this is being offered as the way things really are with Derek's assessment of his prowess tossed in, then it is not believable. It is like the movie Pleasantville only on a one person scale. But there, the movie was poking fun at the stereotypical perfect TVland family of the 50's and 60's. If you are not doing that here, I am not sure it works. Hopefully I didn't cross a line here, if so, I apologize. I have always told you what I thought of your work, so I figured I would continue to do that here. Okay I rambled enough. Andy

Z- Two things that will help you get your desired result - 1) When you post your story - open a discussion thread and repeat what you said here - 'yes i know there are some mistakes and I am working to correct those - please send me those comments in private - but here can you give me feedback on my story etc' I get grammar feed back on my thread from a friend and I don't mind, in fact I asked for it but that is me. She is the only one who does it because she and I are good like that. 2) I suggest you add that little note at the end of your chapters for the folks who are giving you reviews. Finally, I would just ignore those picky grammar comments. Don't let them get to you because I suspect what you will mostly get are positive comments. Be aware, however, that IF you ask, some people will give you straight up constructive feed back i.e. something that can also be called constructive criticism. It is hard to accept this -even when it is done politely BUT this is often your best feed back. Try to take it and use it. Oh and let me know when you post it, I want to read what has you so passionate - I am willing to bet it is good stuff Andy

I knew that - that who is NOT on Jordan's or his mother's Roladex. They don't know about Jason, because no one is going to tell them. Thus they can't help. Just let me get it all out, it will make sense - I hope

The rescuers as you so aptly named them - will not be intervening - sorry, they don't know Jason's dirty little secret - they aren't are Rebeca Colmar's Christmas card list.

Hopefully he will do a better job than 'Brownie,' but i have a feeling it might overwhelm even him. Not if Meyers and friend are around. Just saying - Tellerfag ISN'T a term of endearment. We haven't seen the last of him or his ilk - sadly money is a powerful tool - especially when it is a total tool who is using it . As always thanks for the comments Andy