AFriendlyFace

It was very amusing. It made some good points, IMO, on overly conservative sensibilities.

Congrats, dude

Happy belated birthday, David

WOW! Another round of celebrity craziness! The unfortunate thing is that he shall probably be seen by some to represent gay people in general

WOO HOO!! 1,000 fun and lively posts from our dear Jamie!

Whoa! 21!?! No way! I swear you used to be 17 Have an awesome day, dude -Kevin

Happy Birthday, Pete

Aww I'm "on your side" of course Just to play Devil's advocate though, what if you waited two months, saved up the extra money thereby developing a bigger cushion, then started looking for a car? Your mother would more or less have to accept it at that point since you'd taken her advice, you'd be paying less, AND you'd have extra money saved up. Everyone's happy I know it'd suck waiting two more months, but it isn't THAT long and if you've managed this long you could probably manage a bit longer. Blah, do what you need to though

Damn! 22!? How'd that happen? I swear you were 19 last time I turned around Happy Birthday, Robbie! You've come along way and I'm really proud of you!

Happy Birthday

2009 is certainly off to an auspicious start. My life has been so unbelievably good the last few weeks. Right now I just feel like all the stars have aligned and everything's going right. I'm feel like I'm in a really good place and on strong emotional/relational footing in pretty much all of my relationships! I'm really enjoying my resurrected friendship with Brian. Oddly enough, I feel like the song "Cool" by Gwen Stefani sums it up nicely: Yeah, I know we're cool And I'll be happy for you If you can be happy for me Circles and triangles And now we're hanging out with your new girlfriend boyfriend So far from where we've been I know we're cool I also feel like Luke and I are on better footing than we have been in months. I voluntarily sought out, and enjoyed, his company today. Scott and I have never been closer. In fact I felt like our relationship hit a high point recently. John's about to leave for his new adventure, and I'm going to miss him terribly, but at the same time I'm pretty excited for him. I also feel like I can actually step back enough to gain some perspective and realize that I'm just fortunate for the times we've had together. Oddly that sorta reminds me of a line the Bright Eyes song "Landlocked Blues": But it all boils down to one quotable phrase If you love something, give it away And I do love him, and he needs to do this, so he has my support. I also take great comfort in my enduring friendships with Claire and Mandi. They, and Mandi's girlfriend - who I also really like - came to stay with me for New Year's and we just had so much fun! It's nice that after so many years there are still so many adventures and happy times to look back on and so many more left to have. Also, both their lives are in such good places right now! Meanwhile, I've stayed close with Megan and Jesse and things are as good as ever between us. It's just so great that while I've got all these terrific gay boys in my life, I've still got my lesbians At the same time, I'm also developing a really good friendship with Brian's new boyfriend. In fact we had the most awesome conversation tonight about literature, sex, and gender roles (three of my favourite talking points ). On top of that I've added several new friends to my 'inner circle' and I'm really excited and grateful to have them in my life. Plus, my boy William is coming into town next weekend! I'm so excited about it! In the family realm, I also feel really happy with my relationship with my mom. I mean we've usually got a pretty good relationship, but I've really been enjoying our recent conversations. Same goes for my grandparents. As a nice little 'surprise', I even had a nice chat with my dad the other day. It's not that we have a bad relationship most of the time, it's just that we usually have a pretty much non-relationship. Which really I think is more my 'fault' than his. I'm just pretty disinterested most of the time and seldom put forth much effort. The other day he called me though, and I made a solid effort to be responsive, and I think I was. I also had a "date" with the most wonderful guy last night! I put date in quotation marks because truth be told it was mostly a hook up. But it was an INCREDIBLE hook up. Best sex I've ever had actually, not to mention the longest. He was so hot, and were both really into it, and not to be graphic but it had all the things I really like in sex, and it was really sensual, but still really passionate. In fact, I've always said that I wanted to experience 'lesbian sex', not so much in the physiological sense but in the relational/emotional/mental sorta sense. I feel like last night pretty much qualified. They say good sex is about good communication and putting the other person's pleasure first, and we were really doing that! It was just so, WOW! Anyway, we connected really well emotionally and afterward we had the most terrific conversation for a couple of hours. I feel like it really did turn into a date because we went out for food and did have such a great conversation. Anyway, the whole experience was just wonderful, so good and satisfying for both of us. Great sex and great conversation with a beautiful, interesting person. Hard to top that. While we're on the topic of the physical, I've felt GREAT lately. So energetic, and fit, and all around healthy. I've renewed my commitment to cooking and eating fresh, healthy foods and I'm making it a point to go to the grocery store every other day or so, so that I always have fresh stuff on hand. It's just so amazingly delicious and I just adore cooking anyway. I feel like I've been eating better and enjoying my food more than I have in years! Meanwhile, I've also joined a gym. I'm not usually a big gym person because the kind of look I like for myself, and other guys for that matter, is more of a toned, but not large or bulky look. Besides, I'm more into activities when it comes to exercising. Sitting about lifting weights or walking on treadmills just isn't my thing. But this new gym is fantastic! They have this wide variety of classes and activities everyday! Kick boxing, Pilates, yoga, spinning, salsa, and tons more! It's mad fun! Add to that the rollerblading I took back up recently, and I've been having tons of fun my body of late. Moving on, I've also felt great mentally lately. Like I've been reading ALOT, and I've just been totally immersed in psychology, sociology, and gender studies - just as I'm meant to be I've also been taking up several new interests. For example, I'm working on teaching myself HTML and CSS, and I'm also making an effort to get more involved in local activism. My new mid-range goal is to eventually - hopefully in a year or two - begin my own website for GLBT support, resources, activism, and cultural content. Eh, it's what I'm shooting for, but I've got a LONG way to go before I'll even begin to have the skills I need. Still, it's good to be working toward it. As far as creativity goes, I've been having so many ideas running through my head for all my stories and future projects, and I've managed to get A LITTLE writing done. I've also had this huge urge to get back into painting. Now don't let me deceive you, I have absolutely no skills when it comes to painting. A mildly talented eight year old could do better, but it's a really fun outlet and I don't care that I'm not very good. I've also been finding a great deal of enjoyment and fulfillment in music lately (hence the song references above). Mostly I just can't stop listening to Ben Folds, Bright Eyes, and Pink. They're the three artists I've been most addicted lately! Geez, their stuff is just incredible! I'd recommend something, but I'd feel compelled to list almost everything they've each ever done so I shan't bother. Oh yeah, Lily Allen is also uber cool! I don't like quite as many of her songs, but she hits home runs every now and then. Stuff at work is still really good too. Indeed, it's because of the low-stress, regular schedule, and all around pleasant atmosphere that I attribute my ability to partake in all these other fun things. So, I guess what it all comes down to is that emotionally, physically, sexually, mentally, creatively, socially, familiarly, and professionally all is right in my world right now

I'd recommend giving him a good, long hug, then simply asking, "Do you want to talk about it?" If he does, then you really don't have to SAY anything in particular, just listen to him and be attentive and responsive. If he doesn't want to talk about it then just be with him and offer your support. Maybe I'm weird but I personally wouldn't want to have someone silently around if I were grieving. I'd either want to talk about it or I'd want to be alone. Or as a third less likely scenario I'd want the person to 'distract me', but I'd personally feel a little uncomfortable with so much unsaid emotion hanging in the air. That said, it might be exactly what he wants and needs. Everyone grieves differently. Some people want space, some people want to talk about it, some people want to talk about something else, and some people do just appreciate someone 'being there'. It's also not uncommon or unlikely that what he wants and need will change. Maybe he'll want to be alone at first and then he'll want to talk about it. Or maybe he'll just want you to be there for awhile, then gradually he'll want to talk about it. First and foremost try to follow his lead. Good luck, Kevin

Welcome to the site I look forward to getting to know you better!

LOL, Jon, well I'm certainly always looking for something friendly and cuddly

I actually find that many/most shy people very much enjoy attentive conversation partners, usually at least as much or more than the typical extrovert. It just takes making sure they don't feel threatened, pressured, or intimidated - which I usually just kinda play by ear - and also accepting that it'll probably remain necessary to 'do the heavy lifting' with the conversation, at least at first.

Well this sucks. I'm so sorry Obviously you have a much getter feel for the people involved than I do, so feel free to discard or modify my advice as necessary, but my first thought is that John is going to have to be ready to get out of this situation on his own before anything productive is going to happen. So that means there's nothing you can do right? That it's all up to him? ...well sorta kinda, but not completely. There are things you can do for him. You can be supportive. You can try to help him build up his self-esteem and feel better about himself. Be subtle, don't lay it on too thick, but try to just really let him know how much you care about him, how much you respect him, and what a terrific person you think he is. Go out of your way to point out his good points and try to make him feel good about himself. Make it clear that if/when he ever decided to leave his boyfriend that you'd be there for him. That you have no doubt that he could find someone better who deserves him. Be subtle, don't pressure him alot, especially at first, but be consistent in your message that he, John, is a good guy, you care about him, and you won't abandon him. Apart from that, he does have to reach the conclusion that this relationship just isn't worth it on his own, but that doesn't mean you can't give him some things to think about. Maybe casually mention or point out other people who have healthy, positive relationships. Try to bring up relationships in as natural a way as possible, just like it's something you want to chat about, and see if you can get him to state his opinions. What's the 'point' of being in a relationship? How should it be ideally? How close do you think relationships can come to that ideal? Etc. If he says something that seems unhealthy, depressing, or all around crappy, CHALLENGE him on it. In this case you're challenging his point of view and his opinion, not his actual relationship or his own behaviour (make that clear). It'll be easier for him to tolerate and make him more open to what you have to say. Basically try to steer him toward coming to the conclusion, on his own, that his relationship isn't working. Just a few suggestions, as I said, you know him and the situation much better. Maybe he's the kind of person with whom it would work to be more forceful and direct, maybe that's what he needs. Or maybe he needs an even lighter touch and an even more hands off approach. The good thing is that you know him pretty well and can perhaps figure out for yourself the best course of action. Try to play it by ear, and don't lose sight of your perspective. I hope it works out. Good luck! -Kevin

I have some very strong opinions on this topic. Certainly not! Yes of course, but obviously these 'private things' should not be detrimental to the relationship or to either person. I mostly agree with you, but for me I wouldn't take it quite that far. My boyfriend could look at my cell history, or theoretically any other private information, once if I hadn't explicitly told him those things were off limits. I think that it's fair enough to tolerate such an invasive error in judgment if boundaries haven't been established. In other words if he looked at my phone history I'd be quite irritated, but I'd try to calm down and reign in my feelings and explain to him that I felt that was very inappropriate and if he wanted to know something he needs to ask me directly. I'd also take this opportunity to let him know other similar boundaries. If he did the same thing again then yes, I probably would take this as a very serious issue of trust and break up with him. Cheating and any form of abusive behaviour (physical, emotional, or mental) would be cause for immediate termination of the relationship; however, I would again make a point of clearly establishing this right from the beginning, so that he would understand the consequences. Honestly, I don't think it would occur to me that someone I was dating would go through my things behind my back. If I thought he was the kind of person who would do that I doubt I'd be with him in the first place. The same goes for the cheating and abuse of course, but those seem even more 'terrible' and sadly too common so I would make a point to establish those points early on. No, I don't have anything at all to hide. I'll tell someone I trust and care about almost anything if they ask, and if I think they have a particular reason or right to know it I'll go out of my way to volunteer the information myself, but it is most assuredly not okay for them to try to go behind my back to find things out. My basic opinion is that if my boyfriend would do that then I really don't need to be seeing him, and if he feels he needs to do that - rather than simply asking me whatever it is he wanted to know - then he probably doesn't need to be seeing me either. As I said, if I somehow felt he didn't 'understand the rules' or had a very specific and justifiable reason for breaching them, then I'd forgive him. I'll be blunt, I like my space and privacy very much. I am willing to share them with people I care about, but any sort of "invasion" is definitely a big no no in my book. Hmm, there is absolutely nothing in my text message history that I particularly feel the need to 'hide' and if my boyfriend asked to see my text history (and if I felt that 'no' is an answer he could easily accept) then I wouldn't hesitate to toss him my phone and let him have at it. That said, if he took it upon himself to do that I'd feel really violated. That seems almost akin to recording my phone conversations or something. Compared to that checking my call log is nothing. The only thing more intrusive that I can think of (apart from that recording the phone conversation thing) would be something like him reading my journal without my permission. Those things just seem like such a massive invasion of privacy - to me at least - that I can't fathom someone thinking it's perfectly okay to do that. Well, with that context and background in mind, I can understand where you're coming from. Personally I try very hard to be an attentive companion to whomever I'm with. I make it a point not to take phone calls, from anyone, when I'm with anyone else unless I feel like there's a very good reason or the other person has explicitly said that they're fine with me doing that. While I try not to take offense to it myself, and I can usually find something to occupy myself, I find it rude when people talk on the phone when they're with other people, especially if they're in a one on one setting with the other person. The worst is when they're alone with someone else in the car and they decide it's a good time to have a phone conversation. I similarly try to avoid sending or reading more than the occasional text message when I'm with others - unless of course it's functional and necessary for some reason, like we're meeting someone or something. Of course that does depend on the context. In some social situations I'd consider it perfectly acceptable to text and chat freely, but in any more intense, one-on-one situation - again unless there's a specific reason - I think it's better to focus your attention on your companion. If I do take a call while I'm with another person/other people in a small, intimate setting, then I feel obligated to tell them who it is, and usually why I feel the need to interrupt our interaction by taking the call. I just think it impolite not to do so. For example a couple of weeks ago I was out to dinner with six of my friends and another friend called. I stepped away from the table and outside to take the call then I returned said who it was and explained that I needed to take it because I knew she was going through a hard time. I guess all of this is very related to why I don't like chatting on instant messengers. I just really find myself annoyed by the delays in response and the divided attention of the other person. I get that that's just how instant message conversations are, and I don't take it personally, but I don't like it, so I rarely participate. Personally, my favourite form of communication is very direct and intimate. There are very few things I'd rather do than spend time alone with someone I care about just sitting and talking. When I am fortunate enough to get these opportunities I try my best to make the other person feel like they are the only person in the world I want to be talking to at that moment and that they have my complete, undivided attention. While I try very hard not to expect the same treatment, I certainly appreciate it. I think all of this really just comes down to different perspectives and expectations. What some people view as a major offense others might view as trivial or even natural. I try very hard to remember that not everyone is the same as me on these points and that others won't magically know how I feel on these topics, so I try to give people the benefit of the doubt and explain my feelings casually but directly when the situations come up. Great topic! -Kevin

Eh, I have one very simple rule for myself that serves me extremely well: Do NOT have a roommate under any circumstances Seriously, I tried the roommate thing when I first moved out and it wasn't a total disaster, but there's no contest at all between that and living alone, at least for me. I don't intend to live with anyone else again - especially friends or family - until I find a guy I intend to keep around for good and maybe raise a couple kids...and even then he and the kids better be good or I'm getting my own place Best of luck with your situation! -Kevin

What phenomenally good points these are!

I really like these suggestions. Sorry I haven't really got any of my own.

Glad you got rid of them. If you want my advice, next time you see their number on caller ID, simply don't answer it and don't return their call. They'll take the hint...or not, but either way you'll be done with them Reminds me of a joke I once heard: "If you lend someone $20 and never see them again...it was probably worth it." Take care, hun -Kevin

My, I did miss some fantastic pictures since I've been away!

Yay for a brand new year with some of the best folks on the net! I can't wait to spend 2009 with you all -Kevin

Well that's certainly very awesome! Way to go and congrats, Jonathan! -Kevin

I hope everyone had a fantastic one!