Kavrik

Thanks Bug.

Oh I hope that your son feels better soon Anyta and I'm happy to receive any review whether it be with the left or right hand ). I apologize for the long chapters. I've learned that I really need to control that. Got the latest one posted with a slim and trim 2-3K i think (word count).

Thank you for the compliment Bug. )

Constantine stared at Kian with undiluted hatred. Here at last was the boy that had killed him and left his corpse to rot in the stinking mud of the Mirimar Jungle. The sweet revenge that he imagined was no comparison to the real thing. In fact, he dreamt of this moment often and hoped he’d get to squeeze the life from Kian’s slender neck and watch as the boy’s eyes darkened. Constantine was a man reborn. He had suffered long in the fiery pit where his soul had been stretched and torture

Internets ppl have such high expectations to live up to that it depresses me. I was talking with my friend "Nysem" about this the other day as he pointed out there was a social stigma by switching guilds on World of Warcraft to one that wasn't as respected. I responded that I too was guided by the important opinions of "Ieatnoobs" and "hairybalsac" and didn't know what I would do if "eatcatpoo" thought less of me. /sigh Life is so difficult sometimes.

Louis C.K. You watch "Mad Money"? I shoulda known.

Your narrator has a charming voice that flows easily into my mind as I read, however, I have one pet peeve which you crossed in this first chapter. "Oh come on! If you hadn't guessed by my teen angst, that I was gay already then your IQ is as low as President Bush's." I really dislike the shift to second person here as if he were suddenly addressing me. Additionally, the reference to I.Q. seems to be a little obscure as I've no idea what President Bush's I.Q. actually was...only that he appeared to be stupid and was certainly painted so by the media. But he did go to an Ivy League school and certainly knew how to sell a pointless war to the U.S.A. So yeah, it might have worked better if you had pointed out specific things that Bush had done that people recognize as being stupid.

The dialogue in this chapter is believable and I like it. I also thought the pacing was good as well as the way you introduced your characters. The fact that you began your chapter with your protagonist running was good too as it involved me immediately in action. Nice innovative way to introduce characters too in the collision. “Immovable object” was a fascinating two word description that immediately placed within my mind Tap’s size. Stuff I didn’t like ==> Sometimes I think you go a little overboard on explaining what’s going on. Examples: “where the Vice Principal exclaimed loudly…” Well he’s already exclaiming. Is “loudly” really necessary? “…a big blue building that easily housed the number of students that attended” When I read this I thought it could have been omitted as it was overexplaining the school. I would already assume that the school could house the number of students that attended. However, if it couldn’t, I think that’s when I’d want further explanation.

FACT: People that go to college would have thought the above situation out better.

I hope this helps out. Like...really. It's a whale... and birds ... and about posting. XOXO Don't make me channel Darth Vader.

I view the world with my eyes closed. I deny everything! It's best that way.

I especially like the part where he discusses high-speed internet on airplanes.

Thank you for the review, Kingdom

Fantastic poem that you have here Bug. It's very emotional, whether you choose to read the left side first, or the right side first or read them altogether by just going left to right across the gulf in the middle. I love your structure and stanzas and I did notice that if you used two words on the left, that you also used two words on the right and so on and so forth. I also noticed that structurally, it looked like a conscious effort to use the same kind of word, i.e. if you began with a verb on the left you started also with a verb on the right. My comment mostly is that there were a couple of lines here and there that didn't quite match up. Like you started with a verb on one side and then a preposition on the other. Or, that you had three words on one and only two on the other. It made it so that in this particular stanza, it was asymmetrical and I thought perhaps that you were aiming for symmetry? But due to the content, you may have also been aiming for asymmetry? If you would like, I'll post which ones I noted didn't match up in the discussion thread. Otherwise I will assume that this was intended and won't point them out to you. Anyways, a great read. I love poetry.

It suddenly occurred to me that I feel like I'm in a dream when I read your work. I feel like I'm floating around with your characters, spying on them just above their shoulders, in the transfusion suite, or when they have deeply personal conversations where their drug-addled minds can barely comprehend the horrible things done to them against their will. It's really interesting.

What a wonderful review. Thank you so much Anyta

First off-- I was curious. What? He'd loved? Shit, whatever happened to change him so. Then--(when I read the he wasn't a monster)--I don't know, something bugged me about this line. Obviously, at the moment it's exactly what I think he is, a bit of a monster. So I DON'T have any REASON to believe otherwise just because he said so. In fact, I'd say he's in serious denial if he believes this to be the case. Basically, what I expect as a reader, is for Kian to realize what a shit he is, and then his ACTIONS must show some growth and change for me to believe he isn't actually a monster. However, I just love the internal conflict you foreshadow in this sentence too--that is, he believes it good advice to behave the way he does, but something will test this. He will be challenged to change this way of thinking, and this hooks me to continue reading the story, because I want to know why and HOW. *sighs* I really do love your descriptions and the life you breathe into your characters. I admire it for the pleasure I have in reading it, but also in that I understand how hard it is to attain. The hardest part of writing, I find, is creating imagery that don't bog down, but rather enrichen and give more meaning to the story. It's something you do really quite well. Thanks for the read, Kavrik. P.S. Your chapters are loooong, hehe, that's why it takes me so long to continue, sorry, but I just like having a dedicated space to read an entire chapter in flow, and that means I have to find the right time to read this. I am very much enjoying myself though. Anyta Thanks for the review, Anyta. You are absolutely right on my chapters being too long and I'm working on that actively to not post so much at one time. I honestly just wasn't thinking about that when I first started putting chapters up and just thought, "Well this seems like a good place to stop" LOL. On character development, I think I will need to go back and do some rewriting to make things flow better now that I've more of a sense on what I expect of these characters. When I started writing, I had an outline on paper and intended the story to basically be about 120,000 words total. I'm pleased with many elements and not so pleased with others (that I'd do differently). I love the fact that I can get feedback...it definitely makes for stronger writing.

Can't help but compare the magic school to Hogwarts lol. I do like the way you emphasized at one point that one of the mages was both athletic as well as studious. There seems to be this general misconception among folks that you can be one but not the other.

The main character reminds me of Merlin from the "Merlin" series on BBC (which I love). I kind of picture him looking like the actor that plays Merlin.

Good start. I especially like how you start the villain off by torching someone with green flames. He sounds particularly badass so I'm looking to see what other kinds of villainous things he's up to. I also would have chosen to torch that servant that showed up...he seemed kinda slow, especially when he said, "I can find them again if you'd like." I wanted to reply, "Well...duh? I would sure hope that you could find them again since I sent you to find him in the first place. It wouldn't do to have you find them and then lose them now would it?"

I'm glad the dark details are working.Yes, Vas of Kleef is another planet. However, it's only accessible from the Librarium Apocalypto as it is basically colonized only by the followers of Zanda. It's an ice planet in the same solar system as Wynwrayth.The vision Kian had was basically a plot outline for the rest of the book. Kinda cheesy but meh...so yeah a vision of the very near future and the people involved in being Evil cause there's lots of ppl on Wynwrayth that take the job of being Evil very seriously. They dress in black, perform hedonistic rituals, and decorate everything in bones because lets face it...if you are evil...you shop at the bone store.Now Yasmine (his wizard friend) is still alive but she's been imprisoned. At some point, I'll explore that plotline a bit more.

/yay. I love third person. This is a great story and it's interesting how the first half of it is about Ephraim and he isn't really in the dialogue or even around at all. So that finally when you introduce him, we know all about him and are ready to see inside his head.

I see what you're saying about your story being posted one after another on the page. Wierd...is the edit function not working properly? Anyways...I loved the first chapter. You really captured well the tackiness of the online meat market because it really is like that with rear shots and strange online names

What a strange sexual world you've created here. And the jokes at the end of the chapters are so different that I'm wondering where your inspiration for this originates? Do tell because I'd like to know.

LOL the dialogue of the prose flows so naturally. At one second the narrator thinks someone looks like a puppy. In the next, he actually wants a dog. It reminds me of my mother who I thought has always had really bad Attention Deficit and floats from one subject to another that are seemingly only related through a word or a single sentence. And there is lots of A.D.D. going on in this story.