Drew Payne

It was a fluke that I picked Brokeback Mountain but I'm glad I did because I was able do so much with Simon's reaction and show Simon moving forward in himself. When I re-watched it, I was shocked at how negative and depressing the film was. There was so little joy in the lover's lives, they were so beaten down by all the homophobia around they and didn't even try to escape it. But I couldn't write about how I felt because I'm not Simon, I would have summed up that film so differently, I would have been questioning Hollywood's homophobia. As for Jeff's hand-holding not leading to anything. Please remember, Simon is still very naive and he can't read other people. He's only sixteen.

That's what friends do. I've learnt that things like this help build characters and I wanted to show that Simon isn't on the edge of this group of friends but is part of it.

That's were Rosie is coming from. She doesn't have Niki's insight, even though she's a nurse, and all she sees is the prejudice and homophobia. She will come around but she isn't the most insightful of characters, and not the greatest mother. Don't worry, Simon is learning that keeping things to himself isn't healthy.

This is another theme I wanted to explore here, how important gay friends are when we come out. And Freddie is a joy to write, though chapter 28 shows more about Freddie too.

I made Niki a social worker for this very reason, I wanted to make her insightful but to give her a reason for being so. She has spent her working life working with people and needing to make assessments about people and make judgements of people and their actions. But I hate characters that are wise without any reason for them being so, no explanation for their knowledge. People don't get the kind of insight that Niki has from sitting on their bums all day and not interacting with people. Simon needs her to show him there's nothing wrong with him and to be able to explain situations to him. He has a habit of blaming himself for others bad behaviour. Without Niki he’d blame himself for everything, and I really don't want to write that sort of story here. As for Jeff, Chapter 28 sheds more light on were his insight comes from.

“Oh. My. God. Tonight was fabulous,” Freddie chattered away, in the front passenger seat, in answer to Niki’s question. With the four of them in it Niki’s car seemed very small, but Simon didn’t care. His head was buzzing with everything that had happened that night. Vale Side Junction Group had been amazing and such an eye opener, and yet it had also felt to be the most natural place to be. He’d not felt out of place there, or on the edge of something, the way he had felt so often before, e

@NoSkis, thanks for your feedback. Yes Guy hasn't really made life easy for himself. That's the problem with double lives, at some point both lives can collide, and that's what Guy is heading towards here. At some point he's going to have to be honest with Seb. That won't be easy...

The woman sitting next to him seemed to have fallen asleep, though her magazine was still open in her lap and her headphones were still on her head. She had given him a pointed look, her eyes glaring up at him from under her short eyelashes and plucked eyebrows, the moment he’d taken out his laptop, when the seat belt sign finally turned off. This was business class, he thought, what did she expect? But he’d remained silent. Soon the woman was simply ignoring him and Guy’s attention was on h

@rockycs, thank you for amazing feedback. (Excuse me while I jump up and punch the air) This is exactly what I wanted to write about. I didn't want to write a story were the central character goes from being a self-hating queer to an out and proud gay man. Here I wanted to write about a young guy developing a gay identify and how important having the support of gay friends in doing this is. I have been thinking about were to take these characters after this story has ended, a sequel in a way. In it there would be a big reality check for Rosie, Simon's mother. But it would be sometime before I could start writing that, it's long way down my writing schedule.

@Parker Owens, thanks for your feedback. Well the weekend will be here soon(ish) and all will be revealed. Somehow I doubt Simon will ever be a pick-up artist like Freddie, but he will grow up, given time. I have been thinking were these characters could go after the end of this story, and I do know that Rosie (Simon's mother) is unaware of the damage her selfishness is causing. Her past behaviour shows that. Right now, I just need to finish the next chapter.

@JeffreyL, thanks for such great feedback. Yes, Simon is naive and that gets in the way and plays into his insecurities. He will grow out of it, but unfortunately not during the time scale of this story. I know what is happening inside each character's head, I have to because I have to know how they will react but I can't discuss it here because I have promised my comments to be spoiler free, and the other characters' thoughts and motivations are too close to spoilers. I really have painted myself into a corner with this. Simon got deeply hurt by Max and his keeping silent about his feeling for Jeff is a defence strategy. He's also certain that Jeff only sees him as a friend. It took him enough to tell Freddie about his father's behaviour. Telling Freddie about his feelings for Jeff is way, way too personal for him yet. He's told no one else about how he feels.

@JeffreyL, oh yes the coming weekend will be fun, but the next chapter is the LGBT youth group and that's eye opening for Simon in different ways. I just need to get it written, and Covid-19 is getting in the way of that, at the moment.

@Danners, thanks for your feedback and with such an imagination. Running into your shitty ex, while with your current infatuation/hopefully new boyfriend and friends, in a gay club is a wonderful idea but for another story (which my mind is already writing) but not for Simon. I think he'd run a mile if he saw Max at Hades, or at least hide behind Jeff, Vee and Freddie the whole night. Not a good look. Also, I don't think Max is out enough to go to a gay club. He’s more than a bit of a closet case. Niki has probably need very caring/maternal for most of her adult life, she is a very good social worker. But having Simon in her life has brought her parenting side to the fore. I also let her say all those things I feel and believe. I often do this in my writing, give one character my views and opinions. This chapter was intended to do one thing, explain why Vee doesn't go to the LGBT youth group later that night, but it did give me the chance to write another scene with those four characters chatting again. Sometimes in stories we need these scenes bridging between action/emotional scenes.

@chris191070 , thanks for your feedback. When I end writing this story, the thing I'm going to miss most is writing these scenes. These four characters spark off each other in such a non-threatening way. They're so young and are talking without any malice or hidden meaning. It's such a simple enjoyment to write them. Simon still doesn't know his way around people. He's getting better at it but he's no expert, yet.

“Eighty percent! Eighty percent! Eighty percent!” Freddie chanted in reply to Jeff’s question. The four of them were sat around one the canteen tables eating their lunch. Vee and Freddie seemed to be glowing with confidence and energy, especially Freddie. He’d almost goaded Jeff into asking what mark they had received for their presentation the previous day, before Jeff finally had asked. Then Freddie had blurted out his answer, with Vee smiling alongside him. “Highest mark in our class.

I know I keep repeating it, but I do so for myself as I write these chapters, Simon is only sixteen. Yes he has the hormonal sex drive of a sixteen year old but also, like so many sixteen years olds, he is socially awkward and does not have the social skills to find himself a sex partner. I know there's a cliché in so much writing, to have a confident and sexually in control teenager, but I don't like it. So many sixteen year olds are not the confident and can be so socially awkward, on many different levels. I was like that at sixteen, and when I worked on an Adolescent Unit, I observed that so often in the teenagers I looked after. I took that for the bases of Simon's character. Simon's character isn't confident enough that he'd ask out Jeff. For so much of his life he has been hiding away how he feels and what he wants. He is only just learning to begin to express his needs and feelings. He did have a relationship with Max, but it was Max who initiated everything. He approached Simon on the dating app, he chatted up Simon, he arranged for them to meet and he initiated sex. Simon just sat back and let Max take the lead. Yes, Simon must be horny by now but he still just doesn't have the character to express his needs, not around sex (He keeps telling Freddie he doesn’t want a boyfriend, which isn’t true). He has also convinced himself that Jeff just wants to be his friend and the most he can expect from Jeff is friendship. Therefore there is no way he is going to make a pass at Jeff or ask for a boyfriend relationship from Jeff because he has convicted himself that Jeff will reject that request. This is kind of a defence strategy by Simon but he's been hurt a lot, so I don't blame him. I've lived with these people for six months plus, and boy have they got into my head. I took a very conscious decision. When I started this story, not to write any sex scenes in this story. The characters can discuss sex but no descriptions of them at it. I decided this because I’m writing about teenagers and writing them sex scenes would feel awkward and very inappropriate, me being a long way away from being a teenager.

Thanks for your feedback. I know I keep saying that Simon is only sixteen but only three weeks ago (from when this chapter is set) he was sitting on a cold bench and waiting for a boyfriend who had stood him up. And he didn't realise he'd been stood up, even faced with his boyfriend's silence. He has come a long way in a short time, give him chance to realise that he isn't a wallflower, though that may take him longer. But my big theme in this story is how important friends are when we come out. Simon has come a long way after he'd made gay friends.

Thanks for your comment. It does me so much to read how much people are getting involved in this story. My comments are a spoiler-free-zone but I've never said Simon and Jeff won't get together, but neither have I said they will. I have said that Simon has a huge crush on Jeff and is telling himself that they are only just good friends. Please remember that Simon is still sixteen and still very naive. I'm not sixteen and I'm really the puppet master of this story, I know what is going through Simon's mind and I also know what's going through Jeff's mind too. Just wait and see, there's only five chapters left to this story. Freddie, Vee and Jeff are the friends I wish I'd had at sixteen. Freddie is based on someone I met when I was coming out, and Vee seemed the perfect best friend/side kick for him. Jeff is based on someone I knew years ago who was GORGIOUS but was also a really nice and friendly guy, and a great friend (No, I didn't have a crush on him. I am so much more of a control freak than Simon ever is). One of the important themes I wanted to write about here is the importance of friendships to help us come out. At the beginning of the story Simon starts to come out on his own and finds it so hard, its only after he makes gay friends does things become much easier. I'm so happy you feel the four friends work so well together, I've worked hard on their friendships (I've worked out so much about them). The character of Dante Mann has really caught my imagination. I just created him as someone making interesting YouTube videos, I quickly grow tired of all those people posting videos of themselves just talking into a camera and talking about their own "wisdom" or shear lack of any. Hence Dante Mann. But I have been thinking about him lately and I'm developing a story about him. I just need time to write it (!!). It does me so much good to read that you are enjoying this story and that you want a certain ending for the characters here, but all I've allowed myself to say is... wait and see.

Thanks for your feedback. In this chapter, I wanted to give Simon the chance to discuss what he'd overheard his mother saying with someone else. Obviously he couldn't discuss it with Niki, but he couldn't really discuss it with Freddie. Freddie's parents are still hoping that, somewhere deep down inside him, that Freddie will turn out straight (!!). Jeff was the ideal person to have this conversation with, he’s already out to his father. I have also been enjoying writing Simon and Jeff's conversations. Plus, I haven't read many stories were central characters have to spend a dull evening at home, and God knows I lived through many of them as a teenager.

Simon lay stretched out on the sofa, with his feet resting up on the armrest and his head and shoulders on the pile of cushions at the other end. His laptop was balanced on his lap and he was watching a YouTube video that Freddie had told him about. The YouTuber was Dante Mann, and Freddie had raved about how Simon should watch his videos. Dante Mann posted videos about his coming out stories, but they were far more interesting than him just endlessly talking into a webcam. He narrated his own v

Thanks for your feedback, again I blush but also it really helps my writing. I worry that what I want to say isn't coming across. I am also acutely aware that Simon is only sixteen and I need to give him a sixteen year old's view of life. I'm not sixteen and I need to keep remembering back to then to write this. There were so many films I could have chosen and they would have created so many different reactions but I'm so happy with the reactions here, as I've said, it gave me the chance to move Simon's character forward. I've been studying gay life in Britain in the 1950s, 1960s and 1970s. Yes, being gay was illegal but during the 60s there were many gay couples who still lived together. Also, in the 1960s many men shared a home together for economic or social reasons, and two men living together weren't automatically seen as a gay couple. I've just been reading about two gay men, and Drag Queens, who lived openly together as a couple in the East End of London during the Second World War. As Drag Queens, they regularly entertained people during bombing raids and were accepted and celebrated by their local community. History is another country but it's also a complicated country that doesn't always behave the way we think it should. The arm touching was a challenge to write, I wanted to make it realistic but not porn. I also wanted it as the opposite to how Simon was feeling about the film, to challenge him too. He isn't enjoying the film but he is enjoying the physical contact. I am so relieved that it all worked and you enjoyed it.

Oh. My. God (!!). You so understand my characters, I'm lost for words. My writing style is that I'm a planner. I like to work out who my characters are and where they are going before I start writing. I first write out the plan of a story before I start writing. Now the plan can change as I write, which this one certainly did (as I wrote this story the plan changed as the characters evolved, Simon's mum is a case in point), but the ending has always remained the same. I have spent a lot of time thinking about Simon and the other characters here, and I want them to behave realistically, as much as possible. This story is set over only four weeks, so it might seem that things are moving slowly but think about how things move in real life. What I have tried hard here to do is always remind myself that Simon is only sixteen and is only starting out on his gay life. He isn't sophisticated and worldly wise (I hate fiction were teenagers and children behave like little adults, the unnaturally wise child is such a cliché), he met his first boyfriend online and even then didn't he realise Max was interested in him at first. No spoilers but I don't want to set things up, earlier in a story, and then just ignore when I get to the end. Besides, the Vale Side Youth Group and Hades nightclub are far too good a chance to play around with the characters here and to write about who they are.

Thanks for your feedback, it does me so much good. I think I picked Brokeback Mountain because it was the first gay film that came into my head at the time of planning this story, but looking back it was a good choice. It is the type of film that would still being seen in Art House cinemas, especially as a matinee showing. The majority of other gay films can only been seen on DVD, once their cinema run is over, and I wanted the four of them to see the film together, in a cinema. It also gave me the chance to have Simon asserting himself, saying that he didn't enjoy the film, not simply agreeing with his friends because that's what he thinks they want to hear. Simon's reading of Brokeback Mountain is straightforward but he's only sixteen. When I re-watched the film, I tried to watch it through the eyes of a sixteen year old looking for positive gay role models, which the film certainly isn't. I could have gone into a lot about the homophobia in American culture driving so much of the film and its characters, but that would have been so wrong for Simon, he's just not at that level (I certainly wasn't at sixteen). The first gay film I saw was Victim, starring Dirk Bogarde, and I was about Simon's age and it was shown on late night television. It blow my mind, but for all the wrong reasons. I was scared that that was what was in store for me as a gay man. I have a special affection for Get Real. I saw the original production of the play it was adapted from, What's Wrong With Angry? It was such an angry and raw play, challenging institutional homophobia, with such a defiant ending. At the time, it was a theatrical breath of fresh air, and its lead who wasn't afraid of his sexuality. As for Simon and Jeff going off on a date together? But they're just good friends, well that's what Simon keeps telling himself, but what does he know? He thought his first boyfriend Max was being honest with him. My comments are a spoiler-free-zone, but I can give away one spoiler, I'm in the final phase of this story. There's only five more chapters left, and I hope people will like the ending, but we need to let Simon reach there himself.

As I said, I just picked Brokeback Mountain out of the air for this chapter. But before writing this I re-watched the film (I hadn't seen it in years) and I was struck by the very negative/tragic attitude to the lovers (I'm not saying homophobia but the story is a tragedy). I then filtered it through the eyes of a sixteen year old young man, who is desperate for positive gay role models (Simon). He's reacting to the negative nature of the lover's story. Brokeback Mountain doesn't have a happy ending, or much happiness for the gay lovers, and that is what Simon is reacting to. At this time in his life, he needs a positive portray of gay lovers, who get a happy ending. As Jeff suggests, maybe they should have gone to see Maurice (If anywhere is still showing it).

Thanks for your comment, I was worried that readers would get annoyed at me for Simon's response to this film. When I was planning this story, I just picked Brokeback Mountain out of the air when I was thinking of a film for them to see. I am glad I did though because it gave me the chance to show Simon stepping up in confidence in himself, saying he didn't enjoy the film, especially after Freddie had raved all about it, and with Simon looking up to Freddie. I have enjoyed developing Simon's character. I hadn’t thought about the anal sex scene in the film. Well, they must raise them tough in Texas.