Drew Payne

Simon lay stretched out on the sofa, with his feet resting up on the armrest and his head and shoulders on the pile of cushions at the other end. His laptop was balanced on his lap and he was watching a YouTube video that Freddie had told him about. The YouTuber was Dante Mann, and Freddie had raved about how Simon should watch his videos. Dante Mann posted videos about his coming out stories, but they were far more interesting than him just endlessly talking into a webcam. He narrated his own v

Thanks for your feedback, again I blush but also it really helps my writing. I worry that what I want to say isn't coming across. I am also acutely aware that Simon is only sixteen and I need to give him a sixteen year old's view of life. I'm not sixteen and I need to keep remembering back to then to write this. There were so many films I could have chosen and they would have created so many different reactions but I'm so happy with the reactions here, as I've said, it gave me the chance to move Simon's character forward. I've been studying gay life in Britain in the 1950s, 1960s and 1970s. Yes, being gay was illegal but during the 60s there were many gay couples who still lived together. Also, in the 1960s many men shared a home together for economic or social reasons, and two men living together weren't automatically seen as a gay couple. I've just been reading about two gay men, and Drag Queens, who lived openly together as a couple in the East End of London during the Second World War. As Drag Queens, they regularly entertained people during bombing raids and were accepted and celebrated by their local community. History is another country but it's also a complicated country that doesn't always behave the way we think it should. The arm touching was a challenge to write, I wanted to make it realistic but not porn. I also wanted it as the opposite to how Simon was feeling about the film, to challenge him too. He isn't enjoying the film but he is enjoying the physical contact. I am so relieved that it all worked and you enjoyed it.

Oh. My. God (!!). You so understand my characters, I'm lost for words. My writing style is that I'm a planner. I like to work out who my characters are and where they are going before I start writing. I first write out the plan of a story before I start writing. Now the plan can change as I write, which this one certainly did (as I wrote this story the plan changed as the characters evolved, Simon's mum is a case in point), but the ending has always remained the same. I have spent a lot of time thinking about Simon and the other characters here, and I want them to behave realistically, as much as possible. This story is set over only four weeks, so it might seem that things are moving slowly but think about how things move in real life. What I have tried hard here to do is always remind myself that Simon is only sixteen and is only starting out on his gay life. He isn't sophisticated and worldly wise (I hate fiction were teenagers and children behave like little adults, the unnaturally wise child is such a cliché), he met his first boyfriend online and even then didn't he realise Max was interested in him at first. No spoilers but I don't want to set things up, earlier in a story, and then just ignore when I get to the end. Besides, the Vale Side Youth Group and Hades nightclub are far too good a chance to play around with the characters here and to write about who they are.

Thanks for your feedback, it does me so much good. I think I picked Brokeback Mountain because it was the first gay film that came into my head at the time of planning this story, but looking back it was a good choice. It is the type of film that would still being seen in Art House cinemas, especially as a matinee showing. The majority of other gay films can only been seen on DVD, once their cinema run is over, and I wanted the four of them to see the film together, in a cinema. It also gave me the chance to have Simon asserting himself, saying that he didn't enjoy the film, not simply agreeing with his friends because that's what he thinks they want to hear. Simon's reading of Brokeback Mountain is straightforward but he's only sixteen. When I re-watched the film, I tried to watch it through the eyes of a sixteen year old looking for positive gay role models, which the film certainly isn't. I could have gone into a lot about the homophobia in American culture driving so much of the film and its characters, but that would have been so wrong for Simon, he's just not at that level (I certainly wasn't at sixteen). The first gay film I saw was Victim, starring Dirk Bogarde, and I was about Simon's age and it was shown on late night television. It blow my mind, but for all the wrong reasons. I was scared that that was what was in store for me as a gay man. I have a special affection for Get Real. I saw the original production of the play it was adapted from, What's Wrong With Angry? It was such an angry and raw play, challenging institutional homophobia, with such a defiant ending. At the time, it was a theatrical breath of fresh air, and its lead who wasn't afraid of his sexuality. As for Simon and Jeff going off on a date together? But they're just good friends, well that's what Simon keeps telling himself, but what does he know? He thought his first boyfriend Max was being honest with him. My comments are a spoiler-free-zone, but I can give away one spoiler, I'm in the final phase of this story. There's only five more chapters left, and I hope people will like the ending, but we need to let Simon reach there himself.

As I said, I just picked Brokeback Mountain out of the air for this chapter. But before writing this I re-watched the film (I hadn't seen it in years) and I was struck by the very negative/tragic attitude to the lovers (I'm not saying homophobia but the story is a tragedy). I then filtered it through the eyes of a sixteen year old young man, who is desperate for positive gay role models (Simon). He's reacting to the negative nature of the lover's story. Brokeback Mountain doesn't have a happy ending, or much happiness for the gay lovers, and that is what Simon is reacting to. At this time in his life, he needs a positive portray of gay lovers, who get a happy ending. As Jeff suggests, maybe they should have gone to see Maurice (If anywhere is still showing it).

Thanks for your comment, I was worried that readers would get annoyed at me for Simon's response to this film. When I was planning this story, I just picked Brokeback Mountain out of the air when I was thinking of a film for them to see. I am glad I did though because it gave me the chance to show Simon stepping up in confidence in himself, saying he didn't enjoy the film, especially after Freddie had raved all about it, and with Simon looking up to Freddie. I have enjoyed developing Simon's character. I hadn’t thought about the anal sex scene in the film. Well, they must raise them tough in Texas.

Thanks, my goal in writing this is to try and show Simon developing his own gay-identity, and his friends are an important part of this. Another important part is how he reacts to homophobia. At the beginning of the story he blames himself when he's faced with homophobia, he blamed himself for his father's shitty reaction to his coming out. Now he's beginning to see it as something external, not his fault. When he overhears his mother's crass comment, wishing he was straight, he doesn't blame himself but wonders how she can say that when she's bisexual. He is tying himself up in knots but only because he doesn't know how to talk to her about it. Now this is a spoiler free zone, but I can promise that Simon and Jeff will not end up like the lovers in Brokeback Mountain. I couldn't write an ending so hopeless as that one, and I wrote a story were a man commits suicide at the end of it.

Thanks, your feedback does me so much good. I wanted this chapter to bring the four friends together, and to have Simon really involved with them, not just sitting on the side-lines. I always wanted this chapter to be Simon beginning to explore gay life, starting with a gay film with friends. And of course, Jeff holds Simon's hand to "comfort" him in the dark cinema (Large wink).

The cinema seat wasn’t very comfortable, but Simon found that if he pushed himself right back into it and didn’t slouch down then he was comfortable. He had thought the place being called The Fire Station was just a gimmick, but when the four of them had arrived he saw that it actually was an old fire station. A set of bright red, large double doors dominated the front of the building. They were obviously the doors that were once opened to let the fire engines leave the building. Now they were f

Thank you, that means a lot to me because I am a lot older than the characters here. The characters here are sixteen and seventeen and I wanted to try and capture their uncertainly and inexperience. Freddie is very confident but that is his way of him coping with everything, his parents aren't very supportive of him. Here I wanted to show that he's still only sixteen and his nerves and competitive side coming out (Boys told they have to be the best). We know Simon isn't that confident, but with his crush on Jeff I wanted to show exploring his new emotions and feelings. He's got a crush on another gay man (potentially an available guy) but one who's just a friend and not a boyfriend. This is all very new to him. And add to all that, Jeff is a really nice guy.

Thank you. I was worried there wasn't much "action" in this chapter. What I wanted to do, from the start of this story, was not have Simon hating himself for being gay (I write about that in other stories) but I did want him very aware of how homophobic the world around him is. I also wanted to make him sixteen and starting out on his gay life. He still doesn't know how to manage his emotions, or even how to be gay. He's got a crush on one of his new friends, the tall handsome one, but Jeff is such a "cool guy" that he just can't read him, though Simon isn't that good at reading people yet. This leaves him not knowing what to do next, so he returns to type and does nothing. As for the film. All I can say is I found writing the next chapter a challenge but I also enjoyed what I wanted to explore in it.

Thanks, I am so glad you get what I wanted to write about, it does me so much good. But please, please remember that Simon is only sixteen and very inexperienced. His first boyfriend was more than a little economic with the truth. He also doesn't know how to manage his emotions, as you say his upbringing "taught" him to keep everything to himself. Simon is going through that common experience of having a big crush on his handsome new friend, and where is the advice on managing that? (Is it cruel to say that I am enjoying writing this crush because I get to explore Simon's uncertainty).

Simon bit into his egg mayonnaise sandwich and the next moment was trying to stop the mayonnaise running out of the corner of his mouth. He pushed out his tongue and tried to quickly lick it away. Failing to catch most of it, he dabbed at his mouth with a paper napkin. Whilst selecting his lunch with Jeff this sandwich had been the only one to appeal to him. But it was turning out to be very messy to eat. The four of them were sat around one of the canteen’s tables. Freddie and Vee were almo

Of course you can. I have used it more than once in the past. I am rather proud of that reply because I thought it up on the spot, not on the tube train home hours later, and I've remembered it.

At some point I have to had write a positive story. I'm always getting accessed of writing depressing ones, and I'm not that innocent of that. I also wanted to subvert the Coming-Out-To-Family story a bit here. So I made the narrator working class and gave him created-family instead of a nuclear-family, the sister who really cared for him. I am fascinated by the relationships we make over the ones we're born into.

I once said to a colleague, who asked me if I'd found Jesus, "Oh my God, have you lost him again? That's just careless." She didn't laugh but other people did. We have a law here in Britain called The Equality Act, which says you can't deny goods and services to someone on their actual or perceived gender, race, physical ability, religion or sexuality. When it was passed into law, we had a lot of right-wing Christians screaming that it would make them second class citizens, and they were demanding their right to discriminate. The irony was that The Equality Act extended legal protections to LGBT+ people already enjoyed by religious people. I wrote this is response to that. Writing helps me in that way.

I grew up in that environment. I felt like dropping a great weight off my shoulders when I left it.

The inspiration for this story was a newspaper article, I read years ago, about the realities of working in a London Gay Brothel. And the thing that struck me was the boredom of it all. At the time too, there were a lot of gay porn stories about how "exciting" being a prostitute and working in a brothel was. I wanted the write about the reality here, but it isn't the only time I'd written about sex becoming boring. It fascinates me how that can happen.

But some people make the most stupid decisions and think they can get away with them.

As a student nurse, I did a placement on a Care of the Elderly ward, which was basically a dementia ward by any other name. I saw how Alzheimer's affected people so differently, some became real bastards while others slipped away into a gentle confusion. I now work as a District Nurse, providing nursing care in people's homes, and so many of my patients have dementia, and daily I am confronted by how cruel it is. Here I wanted to write about the changes it can cause in a person and how difficult it can be for their relatives.

Thanks for your comment. Over the years I've heard this argument from so many different parents, often ones who are not openly homophobic, that they don't want their child to be gay because they want their child to be happy. The worst time I heard it was actually from a lesbian mother about her own young son (!!). Rosie isn't homophobic, like her husband, but she still does have some of those nice middle-class prejudices and she hasn't coped well with what life has thrown at her. Yes, Simon didn't deserve to overheard this, but who does deserve to overheard things said about them? This is fiction and want to explore different things in it. Hope will Simon react to this? This isn't the open homophobia of his father, this is seeping prejudice of nice people. But as has been said so often, he isn’t alone now.

And don't forget Vee. Parents can say the stupidest of things, especially when they think their children aren't listening. Rosie isn't the most grounded of people, and she doesn't handle negative situations that well. Thanks for comments, its great the interest you take in my story.

Simon lay in his bed and tried to go back to sleep, but found he couldn’t. His bedside clock read eleven-twenty and he’d come to bed just after ten. He’d changed into his usual nightwear, an old t-shirt and boxer shorts, climbed into bed, and was soon asleep. He'd found this happening often lately. With everything going on in his life he was very tired when he went to bed each night. But that night he’d only slept for an hour or so before waking up, about five minutes earlier. All he could t

Thank you. As I've said before, I worry that this story could be soap opera(ish) in tone. I did base Simon on details I'd read about coming out, such as many men only start coming out after their first sexual relationship and that young gay men are trying to find online communities to aid them to come out. I took this as the premise for Simon, his first relationship ends at the beginning of the story and that he tried to find support online, via a dating app (which was stole straight from real life), but it was no substitute for real life friendships because it still left him very alone. But once I started writing these characters, after I'd worked out their backstories, so much more of their characters started coming out to me, like Niki having a horrible father, and I found I needed to add more and more about them, and write more and more. Saying all that, Simon has an embarrassing crush on one of his new friends.

Thank you for your comment. I love getting feedback. Writing does thrive on conflict, even with offstage characters, as Matthew is so often in this story. When I started writing this story, I didn't want to write the cliched coming out story, were the central character comes out and then everything else is fine, and all the homophobia is resolved. Coming out can be the catalyst for so much. With Simon it highlights the problems he has with his parents, and puts under pressure the fucked-up relationship his parents have. His mother hasn't even got a legal separation from her husband, though she left him two years ago. First hand, I have seen the harm such ridge and hard beliefs, such as the father here has, has on people, relationships and families. I've seen judgemental views tear apart relationships and people themselves. I grow-up in an Evangelical Christian environment and I saw how compassion and caring was thrown aside so people could keep to their believes. It still leaves an uncomfortable feeling in me. I have planned out this story, we're on the home stretch now. I don't like neat and tidy endings, just look at my other stories on GA, but I have planned a satisfactory ending - what I hope will be a satisfactory ending.