Drew Payne

Summer 1985 “I’m sorry, I didn’t know,” Lynne said and wrapped her arms around me in a hug. We were sat together in my parents’ kitchen, while my parents were in the living room, watching television. Lynne and I were members of the Young People’s Fellowship (YPF), which was the young people’s group at our Evangelical Anglian church. We were also friends. I really admired her singing voice, which was one of those voice’s that could claim the attention of a whole room with its purity and clarity. She admired my writing, which was strange and humbling. She was one of the handful of people then who encouraged me to write, which was so eye-opening to me. Lynne was and is beautiful but her beauty is more than skin deep and stays in the memory long after meeting her. She radiates a confident sexuality which is so attractive to others, and yet she is so oblivious to it herself. In the YPF, there were so many young men who were attracted to her, some even claimed to be in love with her, and yet Lynne barely saw this. I, though, was fascinated. These young men projected so much onto her, one even claiming that God had sent her to be his wife, but none of them seemed interested in Lynne as a person, none of them looked further than Lynne’s attractiveness. To me, she was a wonderful friend with an amazing intellect and a warm personality. That summer Lynne was eighteen, preparing to go to university that autumn, I was nineteen and struggling to deal with my sexuality, and failing, believing that the only choice I had was celibacy because I was an Evangelical Christian. I had also started my first job and had fallen into a hopeless, unrequited and very secret love for a male colleague. I can’t remember why she called on me but that’s the least important part of the evening. For some reason Lynne asked to see one of the poems I’d written, one about loneliness. So I showed it to her, in the notepad I used to write my poems in. My poems were very teenage poems. They were high on emotional content and low on style and format. I simply copied the styles of poets I liked, not understanding the form or style and struggling with rhyming couplets. My poems were much more of a way to explore and vent my emotional life, to try and make sense of my emotions and the things I was living through. Lynne read that poem, nodding to herself, and, to my horror, turned over the page and started reading the next poem. After she finished that one, she read the next and the next one. She must have read a dozen of those poems. To my horror, she read poems were I expressed my struggles with my sexuality and my unrequited love (crush?), poems that talked about my love for him. I didn’t use the gender neutral “you” because I never intended anyone to read them. But Lynne was reading them (!!). I couldn’t just snatch the note pad out of her hand, so I just sat there and watched her read them. Though the expression that graced her face wasn’t disgust, it was realisation. After she’d finished reading, she put the notepad down on the kitchen table, said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know,” and gave me a big hug. Then we talked. I tried to explain to her my therapy that it was the “act” of homosexuality, not the desire, that was the sin, and if I could remain “pure” then God would be “happy” with me. I was still in the thrall of the True Freedom Trust. I must have sounded crazy but Lynne didn’t act negatively, but she did ask me an important question. She asked me what I really wanted. Quietly I answered, I wanted a boyfriend. I didn’t know what form that relationship could take, especially with my believes then, but I wanted a relationship, someone to love. She was the first person I admitted to that I wanted to love someone, to love another man, and she didn’t condemn me for it, she simply accepted it. Her acceptance meant so much to me and was so eye opening. There were people who didn’t hate and condemn me just for being gay, and maybe wanting to love another man wasn’t so wrong. Her acceptance wasn’t a light bulb moment, I didn’t suddenly realise it was okay to be gay, but it stayed in the back of my mind, it held out the hope that I could be accepted. All these years later, I am still in contact with Lynne, though we live at almost opposite ends of the country. She is one of the few people I remained in contact from that time. So many people, back then, who called me their friend, quickly dropped me when they found out that I’m gay, not Lynne. Many, many years later, Lynne sang at my wedding. She sang a marvellous version of O Tell Me the Truth About Love by WH Auden. Her beautiful and clear voice filled the registry office, being the perfect ending to our marriage ceremony. She was one of the four people I dedicated my first book to, she was one of the people who encouragement kept me writing. There are some people, through their simple acts of kindness and love, that leave a deep impact upon our lives, Lynne was one of those people for me. Drew Postscript: In the previous essays in this series I’ve used pseudonyms for the people mentioned. This essay is different because I’ve used Lynne’s real name, with her permission. I want this essay to stand as a tribute to this wonderful person. Find the next story in this series here

@Luke Past thanks for the wonderful feedback but please STOP READING MY MIND!! I am finishing off the next chapter at the moment, and, yes, it is set in the present day. I don't want to say any more than that. Thanks for the encouragement.

Liam and Ed are two damaged souls but their love for each other is a positive thing. Liam killed another boy because he made the wrong decision, but he had no one in his life to advise him and care for him. The saddest thing is that he has only found those important relationships because he killed another boy. He'd have never met Ed if they both hadn't been sent to this hospital. Mark, who has a very parental relationship with him, is his former solicitor from his murder trial. Aiden, who is caring for his mental health, is a paid professional whom Liam would never have met if he hadn't been sentenced to Nurton Cross. Liam is growing and maturing, but the irony of how he was able to... Well, is uncomfortable.

The nurses know about Liam and Ed. Pearl calls them "Jonathan and David". Aiden has had, a rather embarrassing, talk with Liam about sex. If they were breaking important rules then Janet, the Ward Manager, would put a stop to it and she hasn't. His relationship with Ed is so important to him and the nurses can see that. They have discussed it in their weekly Ward Round.

It’s 1970s North London. Middle class and conservative accountant Edward is married to Helen, but he is also having an affair with Binny. But single mother Binny is tired of being the other woman and wants a social life with Edward, a part of one anyway, more than just occasional meals in restaurants were Edward is sure no one will recognise him. To this end Binny wants to host a dinner party for Edward and his friends George and Muriel Simpson. The two couples duly sit down for their dinner party, at Binny’s home, though she managed to arrange for the children to be elsewhere that night, but Edward has to leave by ten-thirty, so his wife doesn’t suspect. But Binny’s friend Alma gate crashes the party, because she’s having man trouble. Then four people barrage into the house, three young men with guns and a young woman with a pram. This isn’t a thriller but instead its Bainbridge’s dark take upon middle-class married life and adultery. In her world adultery isn’t unfaithful and disguising, it is sordid, complicated and very messy. This book is populated with unhappy people living dull and damp lives. No one here is happy, even the criminals holding these people hostages are sad and rather useless. No one here is near living a fulfilled life. Bainbridge captures so well the dull grey life of North London in the 1970s, with Binny’s house more than a little neglected. She also captures these people’s dull and rather sad lives. Being held hostage isn’t exciting or dangerous for these people, it just makes their lives more complicated. Bainbridge is at her best here with her understanding of these people. They are not heroes or anti-heroes; they are people who lives are passing them by. Even when their lives are in danger, it is their unfulfilled existences that come to the front. When one of the women is raped, by one of their captures, she doesn’t feel violated or victimised, she just feels it’s her bad luck. The ending of this novel is sudden and strange but it also feels strangely right. This is a fine example of Bainbridge’s dark but accurate view of life, and an antidote to the Saccharin sweet view of the seventies, we all too often get now. Life wasn’t always better in flares. Find it here on Amazon

Mark stood up from the table he was sat at and waved across the room at Liam. Mark was wearing the green shirt he’d so often worn before, though he seemed to have had his hair cut since Liam last saw him. His curly hair wasn’t as thick as last time he was there - it lay over his head only one curl deep. Liam walked between the tables in the Visitors Room, heading towards Mark. The place was surprisingly full - more than half the tables were occupied. Usually, only a handful of them were occ

Liam really needed to realise this. It's a hard lesson to learn, that your parent is a crap one, but his mother's lack of caring and love lead to Liam's actions. It's another way to show that he isn't a "cold-hearted killer", just a boy who made a bad decision.

Liam sat down next to Ed on the sofa, in the Common Room, that evening. He’d spent an hour finally finishing off an essay for Mrs Williams. He just couldn’t get into it and kept restarting it and restarting it. Finally, he just wrote it, just got it down on paper. It was crap, not his best work, but Mrs Williams would know what to do with it. As he sank back into the sofa, Ed said: “Everyone wants to watch that Celebrity Love on the Beach shit,” Ed’s voice dripping with disappointment.

But Liam is growing up and maturing, and he is living in a very supportive environment. I wanted to show that here. Also, it gave me the chance to revisit his awful mother and show someone with no insight, who can't change their behaviour.

It's nearly three years since he's seen his mother and Liam has had some really good quality care and therapy since then. This is also a unique chance for Liam, to see his mother when he wasn't there, i.e. strutting her stuff on a reality dating show. The last time he saw his mother, Liam barely had a relationship with anyone else. Now he has a therapeutic relationship with Aiden and Janet, a good friendship with Mark and a very close and caring relationship with Ed. These people have changed his life, and he isn't the same person he was when he killed Rhys Clarke. Many, many years ago, a very heavily pregnant friend of mine went to a wedding with her family. She was the only person in her group who couldn't drink. She watched the antics of her drunken mother and was horrified. She saw how badly behaved her mother was and was horrified. That story has stuck with me ever since, I've used it in another story, I thought it would work so well here, Liam gets to see how badly behaved his mother is when he isn't there.

Liam sat on the sofa, in the Common Room with his book on his lap. Like this, he could just look down at his book, quietly read it, and no one would notice him doing so. It was a Tuesday evening, so there was little chance of anything on the television there that would interest him. He glanced down at his book and began to read the first paragraph on the left-hand page. “It’s starting now,” Ed said, as his elbow nudged Liam in his side. “What is?” Liam looked up from his book and at th

A small time Dublin thief (we’re never told his name) suddenly finds himself out of his depth. Used to stealing cash and jewels, which he can easily fence and sell on, he now finds that the paintings he stole, from a country house, are a Rembrandt, a Gainborough and two Guardis. How does he sell them, for a good profit, without alerting the police? And the police are becoming more and more interested in him because his alcoholic mother has been loose-lipped around her new friend. This story was originally included in Toibin’s collection Mothers and Sons. In June, 2006, Picador published it as part of their Picador Shots, pocket-sized books containing one story. The premise of this story is interesting, a criminal falls into a personal existential angst because he has stolen paintings he can’t easily sell, and is facing trusting people he doesn’t know. Unfortunately, the excursion of this story just fades away. Toibin spends a lot of time on the thief’s past. At first this is interesting, but when so much space is given over to it, it means we get so little on thief’s present day life. Why is his falling apart? We have little discussion of that, so little time is given to thief’s current relationship with his mother and we’re not even told thief’s wife’s name. What is most disappointing, is the ending. This story doesn’t end as much as it just fades out with an unexpected event, running opposite to the story’s narrative. It felt as Toibin hit his word limit and had to hastily bring this story to an end. The ending was so disappointing that it left a sour taste in my mouth. I wanted to like this story but was disappointed by its poor ending and the way Toibin did not explore his interesting premise. Maybe other stories in Mothers and Sons are better, but I hope this one wasn’t the best. Find it here on Amazon

I know there are good people who are religious. I know good Christians, good Muslims, good Jews; but I am torn because I also know the harm religions do to people, the hate they foster and the pain they cause. My series of blogs is about how I overcame the harm done to me, in the name of Evangelical Christianity, just because I'm gay. The problem for me is how deeply religions abuse their power and encourage hate, and I don't know how we stop them from doing this. It's far more complicated than saying ban them all. These are just some of the examples of these abuses: Salman Rushdie: Losing an eye upsets me every day BBC confronts man who abused boy in secretive Christian church The Gay Pastor, The Conservative Megachurch And The Fight Ripping Apart A Suburb Gay vicar who couldn’t marry in his own church says policy looks ‘ridiculous’ and ‘primitive’ Life after shunning: what I faced after coming out as a queer Jehovah’s witness Catholic priest says sorry for KKK cross burning on black couple's lawn The Woman in the Wall: Ruth Wilson drama examines Magdalene Laundries Church of England facing LGBTQ+ ‘safeguarding’ crisis due to internal homophobia Jayne Ozanne resigns from General Synod over its ‘callous disregard’ for LGBTQ+ people What do we do about this?

Eve was framed! They blamed black people for not being white. They blamed disabled people for not being able-bodied. They blamed poor people for not being rich. Evangelical Christianity seems to worship straight, white men. It is certainly geared up to give them power. It makes me so uncomfortable.

But if there weren't any gays, then Evangelical Christians would have to invent us, because who else would they blame when people ignore them?

So many religions talk a lot about love and yet there are so many people who experienced the opposite from them. Power corrupts, and making people fearful keeps you in power. It's all so distasteful, damages the vulnerable and shits all over those genuine people trying to follow that religion.

Wow, I wish I'd met religious leaders as open-minded as the ones you did. As a child, I remember people telling me that "every word" of the bible is true and that it was a sin to question it. Yes, I questioned stoning a woman to death for being raped in a city and not crying out for help, I question how a man can live in a fish's stomach for three days, and I really question the poor translation of the verses that have been used to condemn LGBT people. I also wish I'd had your religious education, not the Christian indoctrination I received. But, unfortunately, we can't go back in time and change what happened, what we can do is speak out and hope to influence modern education.

I like the comparison of good people in religion. Here you have good people working within a religion so why can't the rest of the religion reflect them? It's a way to hold up a mirror to a religion's faults and failings. I know several good people who are also Anglicans. I compare them to the leadership of the Church of England. Those people are good, welcoming and non-judgmental, yet the leadership is the opposite. The leadership promote homophobia, fail to deal with any of the failings of their church, fail to move their church forward to make it relevant to our society. This church has a history of covering up abuse, an unforgivable crime. This church is the opposite of these good people. I know why these people stay but I am disgusted by how their church's leadership betrays them. As human beings, we do seem to have a need to believe in something, and many people get comfort from their beliefs, but it the way religions have abused and used their position in society, that is so wrong, the naked grabbing for power. The harm, pain and suffering they have caused, wheeling their power, is unforgivable. So much hate comes out of religion and it is unforgivable. It's the old saying, "No one fought a war for the right not to believe in God." If we could abolish organised religion, and just allow people to believe in peace, maybe our world could improve. I know the man who groped me justified what he did, he probably saw it as him offering me comfort, but what he did was plain wrong and no justification will change that. It was abuse. I've heard several abusers, over the years, justify their actions, use their religion to do so, and I never believed a word of it. Abuse is wrong, no matter how screwed up you are.

I feel very uncomfortable about religious education in schools. My religious education at school was just indoctrination into Christianity, I learnt nothing about any other religion. If religion has to be taught in schools it should be taught critically, encourage children to ask questions, and teach it as part of other subjects, such as history or geography. History, how religion played a part in historical societies. You can't teach the Tudors with teaching about religion and its effects on their society. Geography, how can you look at another country without examining how religion affects that society, or how being a non-religious society works. And "intelligent design" ISN'T a scientific subject!

Those people were worse than evil, they were stupid. They didn't once question how harmful their actions were. I'm now writing about what happened when I did leave. It was so eye-opening to realise how much I was lied to.

I don't know if I'd go that far. I know a lot of religious (Christian) people and they are wonderful and very good people. But religion does seem to attract evil and/or corrupt people. The lack of transparency and accountability in many religions, especially in Evangelical Christianity, enables these people to flourish. HM, here, at the time believed what he was doing was "right", but much later, when the claims of sexual abuse carried out by another True Freedom Trust councillor came out, HM denied that True Freedom Trust did any harm. HM has now retired from TFT and claims gay Christians can have romantic and sexual relationships (!!).

At the time it was called “The Trial of the Century,” though many people have forgotten it now, and others question that title. There have been higher-profile trials since then, but Simpson’s trial did deliver shocks and forced questions about the American justice system. On 12 June 1994, Nicole Brown Simpson, Simpson’s ex-wife, and her friend, Ron Goldman, were brutally stabbed to death on the doorstep of her home. A mountain of evidence pointed to Simpson as their killer but, over a year later, he was found not guilty of their murders. How did this happen? Jeffrey Toobin is a writer and former lawyer, and at the time, wrote frequently about the Simpson trial. His book chronicles the events from Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman’s tragic murders through to Simpson being found guilty for them, at his second trial. Toobin has a very critical view of what happened, and he is very analytical. He provides the backgrounds to all the main players in this story, using this to outline that person’s personality and several of their flaws. Toobin’s critical view isn’t biased, he sees faults and failings in both Simpson’s prosecution and defence lawyers. The majority of this book is taken up with Simpson’s murder trial, it was over a year long. Toobin analyses the defence and prosecution strategies, finding both lacking, and the judges behaviour. He also looks at the witnesses and the ups and downs of the trial. All through this, he doesn’t hide away from the mountain of evidence that showed Simpson’s guilt. Toobin doesn’t write about the trial in isolation, he also writes about the wider environment in Los Angles, at the time, and what was happening within the jury. When Simpson’s not guilty verdict is reached, in the criminal trial, there is no surprise. Toobin has laid out the evidence of how this occurred. But Toobin does not stop there. He also covers Simpson’s second trial, the civil trial were he was sued for wrongful death by Nicole Brown Simpson’s and Ron Goldman’s families, and how he lost that trial. This is a fascinating and insightful read. Toobin has researched his subject, in great depth, but he has also analysed that research and is critical of his findings. All this gives the reader so much understanding of what was happening and why it happened. There is no shock, when the reader reaches the verdict in Simpson’s criminal trial, because Toobin has laid out what was happening and why it was happening. Simpson’s trial might not have been “The Trial of the Century,” but the fallout from it was shocking. This book doesn’t just explain how that happened but why it did. It is also written in an easy, readable style. It is well worth the time it takes to read. Find it here on Amazon

I stand by my criticism that Goodbye to Berlin was dishonest, that Isherwood “straight washed” so much of this narrative. I’m not alone in that criticism. Isherwood wrote Christopher and His Kind to tell the real story of what happened to him in Berlin, to counteract the self-censorship of Goodbye to Berlin. Goodbye to Berlin isn’t Christopher and His Kind. They are two very different books. My review and criticism is of the former. I still stand by my biggest criticism of this book is that, for the majority of its text, it ignores the political situation playing out in Berlin, at this time. Isherwood did say, many times, that when he first went to Berlin he wasn’t a political animal, but could he have missed the rise of the Nazi party? This wasn’t like the change of a Prime Minister or President, this was a very big and loud political sea change. Even someone as apolitical as Isherwood says he was then could not have failed to see what was happening and experience the change in the culture of the city and Germany as a whole. This isn’t just my opinion; it is based on reading an awful lot about this time. Even if he had still straight washed his story (which he didn’t do very well), Isherwood had the chance here to tell a story about what really happened in Berlin at this time, how the rise of Nazism took hold and affected the people living there. He was a first-hand witness to it. But Goodbye to Berlin misses this on so many levels. I was so disappointed in it. This is my personal review of this book, but I didn’t set out to just give my opinion, I wanted to justify that opinion by referring back to the book. It is no good just saying, “I didn’t like this book.” I need to say and show why I felt that, and justify my stance. Which I hope I did. I do find it very strange that you relate almost all your criticism of my review back to the TV movie Christopher and His Kind when my review is of the book Goodbye to Berlin.

I am working to a theme here, I won't give it away, and I do know where this story will end. Yes, they are two very damaged souls, but is that all there is to them?

Thank you. I've thought about and worked out a lot about Liam and Ed's relationship. I want to show them navigating their way around their relationship, they are only 15 and 14. They are both very damaged souls, look what Ed did to survive at school, but they also care about each other.