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Found 11 results

  1. It is done. They were able to place my Boy's headstone yesterday. C's sis sent me an email at almost midnight last night that I didn't see until lunch today. It looks good. It feels.... relief? I had really wanted / needed it to be installed before his birthday on Monday, and was afraid they weren't going to be able to do it because of the weather. His sis was wanting it done before his birthday as well. If the state doesn't wash away, I'll go down on Monday for his birthday, and be able to look at it first hand. 💔
  2. Finally realized that I'm going to have to finish painting the loft the same way I started: playing songs of love and loss, grieving for my boy, and loosing myself in the painting. It's the only way the loft can get done and -- more importantly -- I think it's one of the things that has to be closed for me to let him go. Though I should have left Rebecca Ferguson's version of "I'll Count the Days" off the playlist. 😭 The other is for his headstone to finally be installed. Sent an email to the friend I'd been talking to. A couple of weeks ago she said it would a week or two before the 3rd one [since they F*d the first two] would be ready; then FOUR to SIX WEEKS before it got installed. I'm still hoping it's there in time for his birthday on Memorial Day. Finished the first coat and stopping for lunch, pain Rx (storms moving in), and a Xanax (because I'm not so stupid as to not realize I need one).
  3. A "thank you" card from C's sister showed up in the mail today, to thank me for paying off the headstone. First time I've heard from her directly -- my other interactions have been with a mutual friend of C and his sis. Was nice to finally hear from her directly, but sad to know that she's still having a really really hard time with his passing. I know there are moments for me where a memory will catch me blindsided and rip my heart to pieces again, but for her it seems like that's still a constant state of being. 💔
  4. L gave me the number to the Memorial place that C's sis had used. She'd put down a down-payment on the headstone, but wasn't sure how she was going to pay for the rest of it. It's been such a busy week, I hadn't had time to call them until lunch today. Thay had to call his sis to get her verbal OK before talking to me (which I expected) and I paid off what was left on the headstone; was about what I was expecting. It was something I felt like I had to do for my Boy. I didn't expect the emotions that took a hold of me. Doing this was such a final thing - the period at the end of a painful sentence. And in the afternoon mail was the pamphlet from his funeral, and a DVD with a copy of the recording they took of his funeral. I think it will be awhile before I can watch that. Most days are better. I can look back and think of him and the time we did have together and smile, but.... I know there will always be that "but" -- those moments that sneak up on you from nowhere.
  5. Had my second counseling session yesterday. Honestly not sure how effective they are. Things are, ever so very slowly, getting better. Getting easier to think of the good times and the memories without hyperventilating or collapsing into a pile of tears. Doesn't look that professional when it happens at work. Biggest hurdles for me are still the guilt of not having told him that I loved him -- even though I know he knew I did, and I know he felt the same way about me; and letting go of the idealized version of our next date, which would have been so very soon, when we had so many firsts planned. The feeling of having waited too long for those things -- even though I know that if I had pushed him too fast he would have bolted and ran. He was so afraid of being hurt again. A special place in hells for someone who hurts someone else that badly. Still odd random things that will trigger a wave of pain and grief. I love you my baby - you will always be your daddy's boy. 💗
  6. Got an email this evening from a mutual friend of C and his sister. His sis isn't doing that well dealing with the loss; neither am I to be honest. C was a very private person, with everyone it seems, so I spent the last hour trying to decide how much to say and what I shouldn't. I did say that he was a man I loved dearly, that we had been dating off and on the the last several years, and that he was someone I saw a future with. I included the last selfie he sent me (G-rated) and the pic of the flowers I took after I put them on his grave, along with the pic he sent me when we first started dating - a time that seems like it was yesterday, even though it was so many years ago.
  7. Spoke with someone at work I'm close with, who had known about my relationship with C, and told her what had happened. She offered to get in touch with his sister ("M") on Facebook -- as I don't have a Facebook account (or Instagram, or twitter, or....). She got a response. M did see the flowers I had left for C when I visited his grave, which makes me... well, not "happy" but pleased? They're waiting on a response from the VA on the headstone, and hope to hear back soon, though with the gov. shutdown I think that's optimistic. Work friend just introduced me as someone who cared about him deeply, not as the man he'd been dating; she did pass on my private email address (with my permission), so I hope M does contact me at some point. She hasn't been doing well -- they were extremely close. It sounded from t he conversation that I was correct in thinking that she didn't know who I was. He was a very private person, and I don't think he talked to his family that much about his private life. He was out, but I know there was some baggage there from when he was younger that -- for him at least -- made things more complicated. So it doesn't surprise me that he would be short on details of his dating life. This is the financial side of me, but I've also wondered in the last few days if she realized how much his Alberto Vargas print collection was worth. A winter storm moved in on Thursday, which started Wed. night. Had the automatic though, "I should send C a txt telling him to drive home safe" -- then the moment of sharp pain when I realized I couldn't do that. I know I mourn not just the loss of a friend, and a man I cared for very much; but the loss of my dreams for our future, my hopes of how things would work out, my longing for our first "private time" that was supposed to be next month.... Some of those hopes/dreams may never have materialized, but the loss is still there. The potential that is no longer. 💔
  8. Finally switching out some light fixtures in my loft, which means once that is done I can start to repaint, replacing the hideous colors that were there when I moved in. So this afternoon I cranked up the music (hopefully not enough to bother the neighbors), started some prep-work, and did a couple of test patches. I'm a twisted individual who actually finds painting a room to be relaxing; and though some may have found my song choices to be a an odd choice for relief from grief, the music and work was calming. Some of the songs I listened to, if you want a glimpse of my current head-space: Candi Stanton: He Called Me Baby One eskimO: Kandi George Michael: A Different Corner; Waiting For That Day / You Can't Always Get What You Want Moby: When It's Cold I'd Like to Die [lyrics are depressing, but letting the melody wash over you is odly comforting; he's also called it one of the best songs he's ever written] Jimmy Sommrville: For a Friend [this one did make me cry, but in a way that was releasing; a goodbye through music] Rebecca Ferguson: Nothing's Real but Love; Teach Me How to be Loved Sophie B. Hawkins: Did We Not Choose Each Other I should have done this earlier; I'll need to do it again.
  9. My friend S had me call the cemetery yesterday, to check to see if C's family had ordered a headstone yet, or if they needed more cash -- those things are expensive. The cemetery sent a letter to his father, but I think they have the wrong address (they sent it within this state but last I knew, from not too many month's ago, his father lived one state over); but you'd think they would have confirmed the address they have on file??? They'll send another letter (to the same, possibly incorrect, address) saying that there is an anonymous person willing to assist with the funds needed for the headstone. S said I should just call his sister. I don't think she understands why I can't do that -- not now at least. I know - at least I think I know - the most likely reason why she didn't call me, but...... it still hurts that she didn't. And due to living with depression my entire life, there's this little voice whispering in the back of my mind that says maybe she didn't call because in spite of everything we talked about and everything we said through txt, C really didn't feel about me the way I think, the way I know, he did. We didn't discuss his family much. I'd have to hunt up her number online, but I could find her if I tried. A final reason is when we visited his grave, there was nothing there -- no other flowers, nothing; just bare dirt. It hurt so much to see that. I had expected to have to have found at least one small group of artificial flowers at least. I just don't think I could talk to C's sis without either breaking down or loosing my temper - or doing both. I hate feeling like an outsider intruding into "their business" That was at 3pm. Off and on throughout the rest of last night I had waves of crushing grief slam into me. Grief I haven't felt since the night I found his obit online. Surprised my blood pressure is still stable. Going to stop typing now. There seems to be water falling from my eyes.
  10. Visit to the cemetery went well, I think. It started to rain lightly as I was putting the flowers on his grave, which seemed somehow appropriate. It's only been a month so he has no headstone yet. I need to try and call the funeral home next week and see if they will tell me if the family has enough $ to cover the cost. I know I could just find his sis' number online, but I'm reluctant to do that for reasons I can't quite explain even to myself. Started grief counseling last night. Not sure how well that's going to go, but will give it a try. I have 6 free appointments through my work benefits. Logically, I know what I need to be doing; emotionally.... it's not so easy to actually do. Especially this morning. Trying to focus on our good times together, like our last date -- which the first time we kissed. Sitting in his car with my coat in my lap; had a sweet kiss & told him that he was so handsome. His doubt started to surface, so I took his hand and placed it on my lap under my coat; told him he could feel for himself that I meant what I said, and wasn't just saying it to be nice. His reaction to that, and his response, will always make me smile (no, I won't share what he said). For only being 70 miles apart, it was surprisingly difficult to get together (joked at one point the Universe was trying to keep us apart) but I will always treasure the few times we did have. Told mom I won't be up for long this Christmas: up Monday morning, coming home Tuesday afternoon. Just too soon for a happy joyous holiday celebration. And if my brother says something I'll have to keep myself from hurting him. Thank all of you for your expressions of support.
  11. Billy Martin

    Silence

    It's been five days since her passing and I have yet to have a heavy cry. I know it's in me, but for some reason I'm holding it back. Everywhere I look I see something that remains me of her. Some memory of the past. I keep expecting to hear her voice or see her walking down the hall. But all there is is silence. The house seems so empty now, even when dad is here. Friends stop by, but there's little comfort in their visits. I miss my mom and best friend.
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