Warrior1

I read it that first drafts are supposed to be the bare bone, and then you add all the details as you go in your second and third draft, but for me it's the opposite: I write as much (including all the descriptions) in my first draft. Then go on to edit the story, to make it more streamlined, correcting things etc.

Yeah I have my first draft, and now working on the second draft. So the earlier writings are there lol it's just that the final product mahy not have all the writings.

Initially I wanted to write a novel, which I soon realized is pretty futile (at this rate I'll take like 50 years to finish even the first draft, lol), so turned whatever I have written into a short story / novella. Anyway, that's not the point. Now that it's over, I'm editing it, and I see editing is just as much difficult and laborious a job as that of writing it. What I find the most difficult about editing isn't correcting grammar, moving a part here to there or even fixing plot problems etc: it is the very act of cutting the words I so laboriously wrote. When I read books, I don't like authors just filling pages upon pages with meaningless details and unnecessary scenes. I like books which are tightly paced and have been considerably edited, where all the ramblings and unimportant side stories or excessive descriptions are deleted to produce a coherent story. So with my own writing, too, I am trying to do the same. I am cutting so many lines here and there, that nearly 1/3 of my writing I feel has to go if I want to make it compact and tightly paced. But it's difficult. Each line took so much care and thinking and dedication to write. It pains me to think I will have to delete so many things, but really it's for the betterment of the story. The 'kill your darling' phrase was made up for a reason after all. So just wanted to know you writers' input. Does it bother you when you need to cut down many aspects of your writing? Not just in case of editing, sometimes when rewriting, like changing third person POV to first person, you will have to cut down others POV etc. So does it distress you to shorten your words -- words which we once so lovingly crafted onto the paper?

Fairytale romance: Just a Question of Love North Sea Texas Realistic: Out in the Dark Weekend Erotic: Free Fall

I literally lived through this story and fell in love with them.

I take Mirtazapine, which might be a milder antidepressant than the SSRIs. So my emotions, sex drive and overall personality is still intact, and now that I am on a lower dosage, I feel my emotions more strongly than before. At least my personality hasn't been permanently damaged.

I have been on very high antidepressant for a long time. My mental health deteriorated so much that it was unavoidable. The problem with these ‘happy pills’ is that, though they can safely curb your depression to a great extent, they can effectively turn you into a zombie. I literally lost my ability to feel any kind of deep emotions. Life became numb, with no ups and no downs. For a moment, I had to actually wonder if the emotion center of my brain actually got irreversibly damaged. Until, that is, I met you. I didn’t want to come to class, but when you sat beside me and my eyes fell upon your face, I was so glad I did. Something shook inside me. Not only did I feel the emotions I thought I’d lost, but I felt them more strongly than I’d ever felt before. It wasn’t just your perfectly sculpted face (though I am as shallow as any other gay man, so yes, your beautifully handsome face made the first impression on me). It was your cheerful mannerism, your friendly gestures, your kind attitude … and so much that can’t be explained in words (or things even I couldn’t figure out). When you smiled, your nose used to wrinkle in an adorable way – a sight that is etched on my mind. I can’t forget how you used to keep sit for me, or ask me to keep one for you. I can’t forget how you once went to the front of the class on our sir’s insistence that one of us has to sit at the front of the column, and you chose to sacrifice for me. I cried thinking of you that day, and I still get teary eyed when I see your faced in my Facebook. But then you slowly drifted apart. Was it my own fault? I started ‘hearting’ your photos on Facebook against my better judgement. You felt uneasy about my approach, I assume, and you started ignoring me. When we met, you were cordial, but not the same warm person you once were to me. And I understand. It was my fault. How can I be so flamboyant in my love? I treaded on your personal ground, I made you – presumably a straight man – uncomfortable in my overt expression of my love. I deactivated my Facebook a long, long time ago, and kept it that way longer than I’d expected. But some dormant feeling inside me wanted to see you. I just wanted to see your playful eyes and that radiant smile one last time. And what a cruel surprise did I get when I opened your profile! You got married, to a girl just as beautiful as you. Maybe some good did come out of it. I swear I will not stalk you anymore because I know you are already taken. Good bye my love. I hope you all the best in your new life. May your life not be like mine. I hope you found what you were looking for in her, and you have a blessed life ahead. That’s all that matters to me.

Despite coming from a deeply religious and conservative Muslim family, my parents have been very accepting and approving of my sexuality and future life. They are willing to send me abroad in a gay friendly country so that I can have a good life.

Reposting it from another gay forum I visit: I was born and raised up in Bangladesh, which is as homophobic and religious and conservative a country as you could hope. Now I'm moving out to Canada to study. Hopefully will try to do PR and settle there. Now my question is ... How gay friendly is Canada? Am I taking the right step? As per my research, Canada is quite gay friendly, it stands at number 3 after Sweden and England for lgbt rights issue. Though I understand it differs from cities to cities. I am going to Ottowa (in Ontario) - does anyone have any personal experience with it? Legal rights are all there , but more needed is social acceptance. Can I come out easily to anyone? What's the chance of finding a bar or bathhouse etc? Chance of finding a relationship? Can I eat out / hang out / stay in same flat with another man in public without fear of discrimination or bullying? Looking forward to the life I always wanted but never had. Thanks (please be positive -- even if the answers are negative, try to put it in a positive way).

At Swim, Two Boys by Jamie O Nail Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky The God of Small Things by Arundhati Roy Call be By your Name by Andre Aciman The Sands of Time by Sidney Sheldon Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix by J K Rowling

You have no idea how much this piece moved me. Maybe because it's a personal account that I feel so captivated by it. The endless parties and sex are delightfully exciting to read, but maybe there's something quite ... 'empty' about that life too which makes people eventually settle down. And thanks for the recommendation -- the book sounds like premise of TV movie The Normal Heart which I absolutely loved.

HPD

LOL, somehow GayAuthors do not update ones year. I am actually 22, but yeah, that's still young. Anyway, thanks Lisa.

JFalkon, I read some of your stories back in my teen days (around 2010), and sincerely loved them, especially the horror one. In fact, I have been searching for one your stories for a while, but I could neither remember your name, nor that story's name, so couldn't find. Now after seeing your post here, your name sorta resonated with me, as though I have heard about you or talked with you before. I entered your profile/story area and wow -- The Cleansing is what I have been searching for all these years, haha. Great Anyway on topic, it seems that while battling depression and suicidal thoughts is something a lot of you have experiences with, most of you don't have this 'Social Anxiety Disorder'. It's a real disorder, as difficult as that of depression, sometimes even worse. I could never accomplish anything in my life for excessive shyness. All my dreams of being a model, actor, published writer have gone to waste. Sighs. Anyway, I hope I can get over it someday.

Thank you everyone for responding. I will give a more detailed, and maybe even individual replies when I get time. For now: Cynus: "While I don't disagree that medications can be useful for people with depression, I don't believe they are useful for everyone. Medication was NOT the answer for me, personally. I hated it for the same reason I hate drugs and alcohol. it dulled my senses and made me unable to experience the world as fully as possible, which ended up increasing my depression in the long run." This. Initially I thought my antidepressant is a magic pill solving all my problems, but very soon I started seeing its negative sides too. I have been on Mirtazpine(Remeron) 15mg for about 5 years now, starting at 2 every night (30mg per day) to as low as 1/2 every two days (3.25 everyday). Whenever my doctor reduced my antidepressant, it made me less depressed (good side), but it also drained me out of all my emotions. I barely felt anything, I stopped laughing when a funny thing happened, I stopped crying even when a near one died, I stopped having crushes on cute boys and I think I even stopped being a good human being as my empathy level declined so much (which is so wrong, as I have always been a very sensitive and emotional person). And I sincerely felt that, despite the depression clouding my days, taking less of it helped me in regaining my emotions.. I'd rather feel the pain and sadness because those are part of your life, I don't want the antidepressants to make me a zombie. However, if one is too depressed to almost commit suicide, like me, those does help. So my doctor raised it to 1 every night again after a bad period. So there's two sides to antidepressants: they stop you from being depressed (a blessing, truly) but at the expense of numbing you and robbing you off all your emotions. I just hope no permanent damage took place. I would hate it if I seriously become the emotionless zombie. I'd rather commit suicide out of hopelessness than see my emotions being totally drained. Anyway, again thanks everyone.

This. I don't have any experienced, but I can't truly believe a one-night-stand can have the same emotional (and here I say emotional, not physical) impact as a committed relationship. HOWEVER, sometimes a relationship doesn't come so fast. You wait years after years and nothing happens. So, in such cases, if I get an opportunity to do it with someone I trust, would that be SO bad? I mean ... I would try to refrain myself from doing anything, however I may fail to resist my temptation, it's not always that easy. This is so, so sweet <3. I wish someone could love me that way too. LOL, toys and porn can meet the physical need, but one doesn't want a relationship for that reason, right.

Oh I wanted to ask people here and see what they respond. I also responded to my own question.

This gives me hope. Better to find it late but a lasting one, than to find early but that does not end well ... However, sometimes I feel desperate to have someone beside me, to touch someone, to kiss, to put my head on his shoulder, etc. I know being desperate would only worsen the situation, but I can't help it.

Depression: I've had depression from as early as seven. The symptoms were clear, only the concept of depression wasn't, not even to my doctors. My parents took me to various doctors, and unfortunately, they were not able to diagnose it immediately. It wasn't until I was about 13, when I started having these racing suicidal thoughts, that my parents took me to a psychiatrist, and he was finally able to diagnose my depression. I've had ups and downs definitely, but not major. It has been mostly consistent except for a good time last year. I've been visiting the same psychiatrist since I was about 13. Unfortunately, depression has turned me asocial, but it hasn't affected my relationships with my family members. I take an excessive amount of coffee to keep me calm and focus. But that's about it. Luckily never got addicted to any substance. If I wasn't living in such a damn conservative country and wasn't so anti-social, I might have had one night stands to feel a warm body to keep me calm ... but no, never got the chance. I am writing a novel ... but that has got more to do with expressing my thoughts and feelings, rather than being a way to treat my depression. Suicide: I often have suicidal thoughts, but I can't say I have seriously ever considered it. More like it would have been great if I could. Never attempted it, but often cut myself with razors and blades. I still have the scratches. Social anxiety disorder: Along with depression, I've been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, which is one of the least known anxiety disorders around the world. Could be because I've had a very isolated childhood, could be because I was bullied in school, I don't know why. But at one point, I couldn't even make an eye contact. I've never had very close friends -- except one. Don't know what life holds for me. Worst of all -- I have absolutely no idea if I will ever find a partner for myself.

On Depression: When were you diagnosed with it, and how long has it been that you have been suffering from it? Has it been something constant all throughout the years, or do you have ups and downs, good and bad period, etc? Do you have a psychiatrist/therapist/counselor to talk to about these things? Has it taken a toll on your relationships, including that with family, your significant other, friends, etc? Have you ever resorted to substance abuse to self-treat depression? Or sex? What else do you do that works as a therapy to this? Anything like writing, painting, any artistic expression to deal with this? On suicide: Do you have suicidal thoughts? How often do you have them? Have you ever attempted it? Cut body parts in frustration? Social anxiety disorder: Do you have social anxiety disorder? Do you have problems making friends, talking with people, making eye contacts? What about romantic relationships, do you have problems with maintaining -- or even starting -- those due to social ph

Umm ... thanks a lot, but this wasn't the interview I was looking for.

I think most of you know Shadowgod the author and poster here who used to be active here once, if not personally then through his stories: Living in Surreality and Dreams and Clipped Wings among many. I once read a interview of him, but I can't remember where. I can't find it anywhere. He talked about his characters, his motivation to write, the methods he uses, even his personal life... Can someone point out where I can get it?

I am 22, and still completely inexperienced, either way. Ugh, totally hate my life. Anyone I can share my grief (being a bit silly, it's NOT THAT big a deal) with?

^ What? Did you like it?

1. Out in the Dark -- 10/10 -- Stunningly shot, soulfully acted with an unforgettable ending. Essentially a love story dealing with the Israeli-Palestinian conflict in the background. And yes, the two leads are yummy looking, especially Nicholas Jacob. This is without doubt my favorite LGBT movie, and one of my favorite movies of all time. 2. The Matthew Shepard Story -- 10/10 -- Expresses the haunting story of the real life Matthew Shepard in haunting details. I can't imagine anyone who wouldn't get his eyes teary watching this. Shane Meier was more than adequate as Matthew, and Stockard Channing gives one of the greatest performances in any medium. Another all-time favorite of mine. 3. Brokeback Mountain -- 9/10 -- eh, no need for description. But I'd say I liked the short story better, and it was that which inspired me to give the movie a second chance (yeah the first time, I couldn't get past the first 20 minutes). 4. Prayer for Bobby -- 9/10 -- A mother's struggle for her son's 'problems' -- first with his sexuality, then finding justice, and then finally making peace with God. Sends a positive message, and is very well-acted and well-made. 5. Just a Question of Love -- 9/10 -- In terms of storyline or execution, I can't call it extraordinary or very good. But this film proves that you don't always need a skillfully-written, unique plot or complex dialogues to tell a good story. Sometimes cliched plot and predictability can work just as well. Maybe it was the chemistry between the leads and their acting that made the film feel so real and touched me on an emotional level. And Stephane !!! Guh, one of the most handsome men I've ever seen in my life. 6. Weekend -- 8.5/10 -- Sexy men and the sexy chemistry between them. Very realistic and life-like. The ending broke my heart. 7. North Sea Texas -- 8.5/10 -- Lush, gorgeous cinematography, and an unique look into the minds of children/teenagers and their growing period. A bitter-sweet ending, one that is both confusing as it's satisfying. 8. Free Fall -- 7.5/10 -- Highly erotic (the explicit scenes were, in my opinion, better than any porn or erotica I've seen). But I couldn't connect with the men on an emotional level. 9. Morgan -- 7.5/10 -- The chemistry made up for what could have been a mediocre film. Others I have seen are not really worth mentioning.