LittleBuddhaTW

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, VANCE!!! *Hugs & Kisses* Buddha

So, I've already shipped two big boxes of books back home, and I never thought sending them by surface mail would be so friggin' expensive. I had a third box to mail today, which was considerably heavier than the previous two (I have some massive dictionaries and reference books). It was a miracle that I even managed to get it to the post office without throwing out my back. And so I get there, and they tell me it's overweight (maximum weight is 30kg), and to go home and re-pack it into two separate boxes. I told them in no uncertain terms I was not lugging that thing back home and redoing it, and they'd better give me another box and let me do it right there ... I think they were surprised at how ... uhhh ... "forceful" the 'stupid foreigner' was able to speak to them in their own language (the Chinese and Taiwanese believe that all non-Chinese races are barbarians ... they'll *say* they don't, but they do ... they constantly go on and on about their '5,000 years of glorious civilization' ... bleh) ... well, actually languageS, since I used a few choice words in the local dialect (Taiwanese) to get my point across. So, I finally ended up shipping two boxes of books, both heavy as f***, and got a migraine from the whole experience. Not exactly a pleasant outing ... and I still have quite a few more boxes to ship, and it's getting expensive. Surface mail is supposed to be CHEAP, that's why you have to wait 50-60 days to get your package, but it's like US$70 per 20kg box. I'm sooo NOT happy right now. In other news, my M.A. thesis is DONE. All of the corrections have been made and it's all printed out. I just need to take it to the printer to make bound copies next week, then turn it in to the Chinese department and wait for them to call me and tell me when I need to take the oral exam. SOOTB Ch. 11 was posted, and yes, it was not a "happy" chapter. Kitty and I both knew that it would elicit a very emotional response, hence the reason we decided (well, Kitty decided, I just do whatever she tells me! lol) to post Ch. 12 shortly thereafter. So Ch. 12 will be posted on Saturday evening, so for everyone who's having a fit about the ending of Ch. 11, just RELAX, take a few breaths, and wait for Ch. 12 to come out. In other story news, I'm working on Ch. 15 now and it's coming along well. I think once I've gotten through Ch. 16, I might try writing another short story. And a big thank you to all of you who have stopped by my new discussion forum. It's really taken off, and I'm very pleased with it. The number of postings, replies, and hits have already surpassed a number of forums that have been here for a while, so that's been a really nice surprise. I never expected SOOTB to be so popular, and I've enjoyed all of the comments and the whole writing-editing-posting process. I'd never thought of writing fiction before, but I can now safely say that I've found a new hobby that I really enjoy. I just hope the next serial I decide to do can live up to SOOTB ... it'll be hard to do. Somehow Dom seems to do it, but I am certainly no Dom Luka. *sigh* Anyway, I need a stiff drink and a nap right now. It's been a rough day!

That's absolutely horrible news. My thoughts and prayers go out to Green and David for a speedy recovery, and to Chaz, who must be absolutely devastated.

Dan, how scandalous!!! He's only 15! :wacko:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KURTIE-POOH!!!!! And, as a special present for you ... ------------------------------ I was kind of surprised at getting an invite to perform at a birthday party, and I can't say that I was exactly thrilled, although getting paid to do it made the decision a little easier. The idea of a room full of rowdy teenagers wasn't really my idea of a good time, though. The parents had insisted that I play "Happy Birthday" for their son, Kurt, who was apparently turning sixteen. But I wasn't some performing clown, I was a real musician, dammit! So, of course, I would sing whatever the hell I damn well pleased. When I got to the small banquet hall that had been rented for the party, I was pleased to see that this kid's parents had acquiesed to my demands and rented a Roland RD-1000 digital piano, and it had already been hooked up to the amplifiers, and the microphone installed as well. It was positioned in the front of the room (or at least I took it to be the front), and a large "Happy Birthday, Kurt!" banner was hanging above it. People were already filing in and sitting down at the numerous round tables that were scattered around the room, so I figured I'd better go change into my "stage clothes" and get ready. I found a small room where I could get dressed, and put on the new outfit that Ryan had bought for me at the mall the previous week. It was an all-black suit, much nicer quality than my old one, and had a Medusa image made out of rhinestones on the back. I finished off my ensemble with a pair of plain black sunglasses. Just as I was stepping out of the changing room, the woman who had identified herself as "Kurt's mother" told me that it was time to go on, so she quickly led me back into the banquet room, where by now all the seats had been filled. She told me to wait at the side of the room until she made a little introduction, and then it would be time for me to go on. "Everyone, can I have your attention, please?" the woman said. "I'm so happy, and a little sad, too, that my baby boy is growing up so fast." The boy standing next to her, who I assumed to be Kurt, looked like he was about to die from embarrassment. Poor kid, I thought. But instead of being the jerk I expected him to be (I tended to think everyone was a jerk until they proved otherwise), he looked like one of the sweetest kids I'd ever seen. He had kind of curly blond hair, really big, beautiful eyes, and a very genuine smile. The blush was certainly cute, too. After giving Kurt a kiss on the cheek, his mom motioned for me to go over to the piano. As I sat down on the piano bench and adjusted the microphone, I suddenly decided that my previous choice of playing Elton John's "The Bitch is Back" wouldn't be so appropriate for someone who looked as sweet and innocent as Kurt. So, I made some quick adjustments to the digital piano to provide for some soft synthesized string sounds, and switched it into 'regular piano' mode. My choice was going to be Stevie Nicks' "Has Anyone Ever Written Anything For You." As I began to play the opening bars of the classic ballad, I made it a point to quickly lower my sunglasses and give Kurt a wink and a big smile -- I was always the consummate showman! Has anyone ever written anything for you In all your darkest hours Have you ever heard me sing Listen to me now You know I'd rather be alone Than be without you Don't you know Has anyone ever given anything to you In your darkest hours Did you ever give it back Well, I have I have given that to you If it's all I ever do This is your song And the rain comes down There's no pain and there's no doubt It was easy to say I believed in you everyday If not for me Then do it for the world Has anyone ever written anything for you In your darkest sorrow Did you ever hear me sing Listen to me now You know I'd rather be alone Than be without you Don't you know So, if not for me, then Do it for yourself If not for me then Do it for the world Poet...priest of nothing ... legend ... Poet...priest of nothing ... legend ... "Happy Birthday, Kurt," I said into the microphone as I played the final few chords. As the audience applauded politely, I got up quickly to leave. As I was leaving, however, I noticed a really attractive boy with kind of dark, curly hair walk over to Kurt and give him a hug, and a kiss on the cheek that seemed to linger just a bit too long. "Happy birthday, Kurt," I heard the boy say. "Thanks, Tom," Kurt said with his adorable smile. THE END ----------------------------- Happy Sweet Sixteen, Kurt! *Hugz* Buddha

D.C./Northern Virginia doesn't have gambling ... you could move there ... And I really like the name "Cody" for some reason ... you definitely need to go back to that restaurant, and BE AGGRESSIVE!!! BE AGGRESSIVE!! Work those hips, honey! You may be moving soon, but a little romp in the hay wouldn't hurt anything! Much love as always, Buddha

When first starting out, you usually go through the "hear-think-translate" phase, but after studying Chinese now for about eight years, and almost six of those years spent in China and Taiwan, I think in Chinese when I'm communicating in Chinese, and English when I'm communicating in English. When I speak Japanese, I still have to think about it and translate in my head, as well as with my rudimentary French. I find that I now dream more often in Chinese than I do in English, even when I'm dreaming about people who can't speak a lick of Chinese. What's fun, though, is when I go to holiday parties at a friend's house. He's also an American (like me), and is a professor of Chinese history at a university here (brilliant guy, Ph.D. in Asian studies from Harvard). He and I are usually the only two foreigners there, with the rest being Taiwanese ... so, to be fair to everyone else when we're conversing in a group, we speak to each other in Chinese ... now *that* is really weird for me ... speaking to another native English speaker in Chinese. Even when we're alone, and talking about Sinology, we speak half & half, since so many concepts and vocabulary are in Chinese, and it's just easier. If we're just talking about some cute guy we saw, of course it'll be in English! lol

What a combo, eh? So my graduate advisor gave back my thesis yesterday, and thankfully there weren't that many corrections to make, mostly just puncutation (English and Chinese use of commas is VERY different) and some word choice. She also didn't think I should leave an extra space between paragraphs. That was about it, though, and she said, "You shouldn't have any problem graduating." We spent about 30 minutes going through the corrections at McDonald's to make sure I could read all of her corrections (her handwriting is like chicken scratch), and that was that. She even asked me who I wanted to pick for the other two professors to sit on the review committee, and she agreed to both of them. I've already finished more than half of the corrections, and should be finished in another day or so. As for the itchy legs part, my lower legs are just covered with mosquito bites. Why in the hell do they only bite me there? It's absolutely killing me!!! grrrrr Yesterday, I took Shadow to the vet because he's got some kind of skin infection. The doctor gave him two shots and some ointment to put on the affected area. Shadow didn't seem to care about the shots, but he sure gives me a hard time when I have to put the ointment on him for some reason. I don't get it. I've also got my own discussion forum at GA now, called "LittleBuddhaTW's Stone Grotto" (again, this was Kitty's brilliant idea! ). If you're wondering what in the hell a "stone grotto" is, you can either look it up or ask me on the forum! hehe Anyway, I hope people will come and post. I like reading everyone's comments and interpretations, and look forward to seeing if/how readers' opinions of certain characters will change as the story moves on. I've finished writing Chs. 13 & 14, and Chs. 11 & 12 are almost finished. I'm hoping to have Ch. 11 posted by the end of the week, and Ch. 12 a few days later. I'm gonna try to get started on Ch. 15 today. Everything else with the move is going okay. I've got two boxes of books ready to take to the post office, maybe tomorrow if I can get my lazy butt going. The time seems to be moving by pretty quickly, and before I know it, I'll be back in the States and have all kinds of new stress to deal with it ... but I've learned a lot about stress management and patience living here for the past five years, so those lessons will come in handy. It'll be an adjustment to speak in English every day, too. The only time I really use English now is when I'm writing. I guess it'll be pretty weird. But I don't wanna lost any of my Chinese ability, so I need to make sure I get into a job where I can use it every day to make sure I maintain my level of fluency. Anyway, I hope everyone is having a good week so far. Wish me luck with my impending thesis exam (my professor is pressing me to do it earlier than I had originally planned, which is okay I guess), and come by the new discussion forum to say hi and all.

Not bad at all. I think it would be better though if you posted them all at once, or at least collected a bunch that are of the same theme, and posted them all together instead of one-by-one ... sometimes poetry tends to have a better effect that way, as you can see different sides (or different manifestations of the same side) of a poet-writer that way, rather than a bunch of individual, stand-alone poems. Also, by doing this, you allow yourself some time to go back and review/revise, and see if you can develop some continguity between poems, see if you can draw some kind of emotional thread through each of them.

The preparations for my move are coming along pretty well. I've managed to pitch some more junk and trash (since I'm such a pack rat), done some cleaning, and tomorrow I'll box up some books to take to the post office on Monday. I'll be sending them via sea, since it's a lot cheaper, and if I send them, they might even be waiting for me when I get home in July. Less than three months left to go now ... The mosquitoes are still invading full-force, as vicious as ever. I swear, they must be specially bred or something ... maybe genetically mutated from the pollution here or nuclear waste. They're wicked and relentless, and no amount of mosquito repelling incense seems to keep them at bay. My legs are totally covered with mosquito bites, and it's driving me insane! Chapter 10 of SOOTB has now been posted, and I was pretty pleased with how this chapter turned out, even though it went from intense feelings of joy to intense feelings of sadness at the end. But it provides a good lead in to Chapter 11 (which Kitty has already completed the first edit of). She's also started working on Chapter 12 and has "ordered" me to release the next two chapters closely together, so everyone who's been enjoying the story can look forward to that in about a week or so. I want to say a few words about Kitty. Over the past couple of months that we've been working together, I've gotten to know her as not only an editor, but a friend as well. And it's both an honor and a privilege to be able to call her that, my "friend." Not only does she give me excellent advice (and encouragement) on my writing, but also about various problems, situations, or decisions I've had to deal with in my life. She's proven to be a very wise and thoughtful person, and I always, always take her advice to heart. And without even knowing me in real life, or how my mind/personality works, she knows just how to say things in such a way that makes me listen. Being a Buddhist, I don't believe in "coincidence," and I feel that Kitty and I got together for a reason, and that has been for her to teach me. And I am very grateful for that. I get most of the credit for the stories, but Kitty deserves as much credit as I do. It's a team effort, and the stories wouldn't be nearly as good without her input, and I probably wouldn't be as confident as I am about making such large, life-altering decisions without the support and input she has given me. I can't think of anyway to repay her for everything she's done. So, Kitty, if you read this blog entry, all I can say to you is a big "THANK YOU." You have no idea how much you have done for me and inspired me, and not just in the editing of my stories. You're a phenomenal person, and an example of the kind of person I hope to be one day.

Chapter 3 of "Cameron" was very good. I'm hooked already! I'm curious now if your Sam is as hot as the "Sam" in "Shane" ... hehe Also, you seem to be a pretty cheerful, optimistic, happy guy ... how can you write stories that are so painful? Sure, they have happy endings, but they're on some pretty heavy topics. But it's the kind of thing I think people need to read. Suffering is a fact of life. Anyway, great job! *Hugz*

To a total sweetheart and a wonderful guy, HAPPY BIRTHDAY BENNY! Now you can drink legally in the States! lol *Hugz*

I think you're definitely doing the right thing. You called social services, and you have your mom to back you up if necessary, so you're all covered legally and with support if it turns out to be too much of a burden. I honestly don't see that Chaz has any reason to be upset about this, unless it's something else that he's upset about. *shrugs* But anyway, good luck ... you're doing a good thing, and good karma always comes around to those who show compassion to those in need. If more people did things like that, perhaps this crazy world we live in would be a better place. *Hugz*

I'm glad you enjoyed the story! I have to purchase three new carriers for my cats that are approved for being put on airplanes, meaning basically that they're more durable. They'll have a little water container inside, and I can refill it when I get them in San Francisco (that's where I have to go through customs). The lady at the pet store told me that there's room in the bottom of the carriers to put some litter, so hopefully they'll do their thing and cover it up so I don't have to deal with shit-covered kitties when I get back to the east coast ... but, I'm expecting they won't be able to hold it that long, and in that confined space will probably get a little "dirty" ... so I'll most likely have to give them a bath when I get home. I won't feed them the morning of the trip, though, so hopefully that will help. They should be able to go 24 hours without food as long as they have water. I'll try and plump them up a bit over the next couple months, too! lol

The mosquitoes are now out in full force, and they have invaded my apartment. I hate having to burn that awful-smelling mosquito repellant incense, but it's the only thing that seems to keep most of them at bay (somewhat). Those little plug-in kinds don't work ... at least not on Taiwanese mosquitoes, which I'm starting to think are some kind of super, genetically-altered mosquitoes. So anyway, my legs are like totally bitten up and itch like hell. Not fun. Yesterday, I bought my one-way airline ticket back to the States. It was actually cheaper than I expected, under US$1,000, plus about $100 per cat. The whole trip, including a stop in Nagoya, Japan, and San Francisco (where I have to change planes) will take about 24 hours. It won't be pleasant for either me or my cats. Hopefully I won't have to take such a long plane trip again for a long time. I've also been pitching more junk, and threw out a box full of books I don't need anymore. I'll probably fill up another garbage bag full of crap today, and next week actually start shipping a couple boxes back home. My goal is to go home with no more than I came over with, except for the cats (and a bunch of books). I also want to pick up some Chinese artwork before I go home, because I'll need some stuff to decorate my new apartment with. I may get some more books, too, because it's hard to find Chinese-language reading material in the States. There's a gay bookstore here in Taipei, and I'd like to go pick up a few gay novels, too. Kitty sent me the first edit of Chapter 10 of SOOTB last night, and I promptly made the corrections (and added a couple little bits) and sent it on back to her, so hopefully it will be ready for posting by this weekend. It's a pretty long chapter. I hope everyone will enjoy it. I'm getting closer to finishing Chapter 13 now that I've finished the rough draft of my chapter of "Service," although I haven't heard back from Dan yet about what he thinks.

Thanks, Adam. I hope, like Nicky, you will find your way through your angst and despair and realize that life really can be wonderful. It's more than just a story ... those kind of "experiences" do happen! *Hugz*

Nick, I agree that that was a bad law, even though the issue of marriage should be decided by the states (whether it's heterosexual or homosexual). What's bad about that law is not forcing other states to recognize the gay marriages from other states (a right which heterosexual couples enjoy). However, this is "only" a law, and it could be struck down by the Supreme Court ... although because of Bush's two recent appointees, that is now unlikely. Most people don't realize how important the Supreme Court is, and they will affect our future more so than any president or the Congress. *Hugz*

You really do have an inspiring outlook on life, Kevin ... a little too cheerful, but perhaps that is what we need more of in this crazy, cynical world we live in! I'm also confident that you'll do great ... and like Kitty said, when things do get tough, just keep on breathing ... she wasn't kidding! *Hugz*

OK, Nickolasjames, since you're obviously talking about our little political banter in the chatroom tonight, I went and found a few examples you were looking for, although I still think that if you are going to so vociferously defend the current administration in its stance on the "gay issue," you may want to be more willing to inform yourself of the 'facts' (as you say), rather than demanding that others do it. All it takes is a quick trip to Google to find a few relevant examples ... and these are just a sampling. There is already quite a significant paper trail which shows how the current administration has back-tracked on gay rights. 1) In 1995, Pres. Clinton issued an executive order stating that sexual orientation could not be used as a factor in issuing security clearances to government employees. This was a big step forward for homosexual federal employees. In late 2005, George Bush issued a new executive order, changing the prior one, and stating that for homosexuals, "security clearance cannot be denied solely on the basis of the sexual orientation of the individual." This means that sexual orientation CAN be a factor used to deny security clearance, although not the only one ... this leaves a lot of room for interpretation, and is a step backward. In the law, subtlety can have major consequences. 2) The new Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, John Roberts, wrote in several memos that he did NOT agree with the Supreme Court ruling in "Lawrence v. Texas," which decriminalized sodomy. (Source: Washington Post, August 26, 2005, Page A02) 3) New Associate Justice of the Supreme Court, Samuel Alito, while serving as an appellate judge in 2001, provided the ONLY dissenting opinion in the case "Saxe v. State," which regarded a school district policy that would prohibit harrassment against gay, lesbian, and bisexual students. Despite Judge Alito's assertion that the school district policy was unconstitutional, he did not win, and gay students were protected by law against harrassment because of their sexual orientation. The most worrisome issues are the two new Supreme Court justices and how they will rule on gay rights issues, as the Supreme Court is now tilted in favor of a socially conservative agenda. They will continue to influence our lives long after George Bush is gone from office. These men serve for LIFE and cannot be removed. Both of these men received strong recommendations from numerous anti-gay groups. Anyway, if that's not enough, Nick, you're welcome to go look around for more stuff. There is a long paper trail of court cases, declassified memos, etc. that show in black & white how the current administration's policy's towards gays has been bad. Would the Democrats do better? Maybe not, but they would most likely not erode previous rights that we have obtained like Bush has gone back and attempted to do (see example #1). If you still want to debate, that's up to you, but as for me, case closed. You are entitled to your opinion, and in the coming years, with a number of important gay rights issues already scheduled to come up before the "new" Supreme Court, we will see where the chips fall, so to speak.

Well, I posted my first short story, "Seeking Nirvana," and so far, the feedback has been kind of mixed. I didn't expect that many people would get the "deeper" philosophical meaning I was getting at, and since it's a subject not too many people are familiar with, I can't say I'm surprised that the number of responses hasn't come close to SOOTB. At any rate, two of the important things I was trying to get across were: 1) at all the points where Nicky thought he wasn't "getting it," he actually was. His frustration, his doing battle with his own mind, were an important step towards the final result, that being his "awakening" experience. 2) The issue of 'desire,' and what constitutes 'healthy' desire and 'unhealthy' desire, and the difference between learning to 'control' your desire (which is positive) as opposed to 'suppressing' desire (which is negative). Another issue that has come up, which I was a bit surprised at, is whether or not Buddhism actually is tolerant of homosexuality. Of course, there are some cultures in which Buddhism enjoys a strong popularity, but where homosexuality is looked down upon. Korea and China are two good examples. However, this tends to be for cultural reasons rather than issues with Buddhism itself. In Buddhist scriptures, there is virtually no mention of 'homosexuality.' One of the five major Buddhist precepts forbids one to engage in 'sexual misconduct.' Certainly, one could interpret that to include homosexuality, but when looked at at from the broader perspective of what Buddhism teaches, the main point being universal, unconditional compassion and loving-kindness, judging someone based on sexual orientation doesn't seem to fit. The vast majority of Buddhist scholars and clergy that I have spoken with (and there have been many over my 14 years of practice) all interpret that to mean sex that is non-consensual or in any other way causes intentional harm (physical or emotional) to the other party. I even had a very high-ranking Tibetan lama tell me once at a seminar I attended that he thought that homosexuals by proportion tended to have a higher level of 'spirituality' than others, and he thought it was too bad that he wasn't (re)born as a homosexual. I thought that was pretty cool. Anyway, in other news, today was a pretty busy day. After chatting online for a bit this morning, I went to run some errands, namely picking up my scholarship money for this month, going by the Chinese department office at school, going to the bank, and finally to the hospital to pick up my sleeping meds. Incompetence reigned supreme at the cashier's office where I had to wait forever to pick up my money. Fortunately at the other places, I just had to wait a while, which I've learned is easy to do when I have music to listen to and can drown out the high volume of noise that is always present here (remember, second most densely populated country on earth?) I was a little annoyed, though, to find out how much actually goes into getting my M.A. degree. I thought that all I had to do was turn in my application, a copy of my thesis, and then take the oral exam. Well, I thought wrong. I have to turn in the application and three bound copies of my thesis. Then, I take the oral exam in front of a thesis committee (my graduate advisor, and two other professors that she will hand pick). That's no big deal, as she wouldn't let me test yet if I couldn't pass. They will give me my grade right then and there, as well as comments for improvement, and I will know immediately whether or not I passed. However, that is NOT the end ... Next, I have to make whatever revisions they suggest (very quickly), then I have to take the final draft of my thesis and get three hardback copies made, and one soft-cover copy (which will be quite expensive). I turn one hardback copy into the Chinese department, then the other three to the university's library. I also have to forward an electronic copy of my thesis to the library. Once they have received all of that and it has been confirmed, and my thesis has been uploaded to the internet (at least two working days), then I have to go back to the Chinese department to get my final 'confirmation' of graduation. I then take that to the Office of Graduate Student Affairs where I can get my actual diploma (Chinese and English copies). And, I have only a few weeks to get all of this done, which will be happening in June, when I'm trying to get the last-minute preparations for my move taken care of. June will NOT be a fun month. Anyway, that's it for now. If you haven't had a chance to read "Seeking Nirvana," I hope you will. Hopefully, the next chapter of SOOTB will be out within a week or so. I'm also finishing up my chapter of "Service: Vampire Jarred 2" ... I'm about 2/3 finished so far. Then I'll send it off to Dan and Dom to go over and see if they want me to make any changes.

Too bad Jon's not gay ..........

That's great! But I still think we should find ways to do more promotion ... I belong to a discussion forum for expats (foreigners) living in Taiwan, and they have over 20,000 members ... that's a very select community, whereas there are TONS of people who enjoy reading gay fiction. We should be able to get a lot more members. How else can we go about recruiting? Any ideas?

I've been where you are before, Adam, and like Kitty, I've dealt with depression and anxiety on and off for a number of years. Just because you're mom's a psychiatrist, it doesn't mean she's the best one for YOU. Just like each anti-depressant has different side-effects, each therapist is different. You need to find one that is right for you, as well as a medication to get you stabilized. It took me several different medications before I found one that worked for me, and it can be frustrating, but there are so many out there now that you're bound to find one that fits you. I'm not sure which side-effects you're particularly not fond of, but what many males dislike is that some anti-depressants have certain sexual side-effects. If that's what you're referring to, then Wellbutrin and Effexor are two that do not have this particular side-effect. They are anti-depressants, but they are not in the same class as drugs like Prozac, Paxil, and Zoloft, which are the ones that most commonly have the sexual side-effects. Anyway, talk to your mom as soon as possible, and she might be able to recommend someone for you to go talk to. She should also understand that you need someone else, an outside, third-party to listen to you, rather than her. This is because it would be hard for her to separate the "mom" and the "doctor." As a trained and licensed psychiatrist, I'm sure she knows this. You might think you can handle things on your own, but you never know when things might get out of control, and we don't always think straight (no pun intended!) when we should. That being said, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I'm finishing up on my meds, because my doctor doesn't think I need them any more, and they have helped. I haven't been back to counseling in over a year either. Sure, I still go through periods of depression and feeling miserable, but I've learned how to deal with those on my own now, with help from counseling. You should never feel like you have to go it alone, because there is help out there for you. *Hugz*

The next time you chat with him online, you can "tease" him by complaining that he didn't live up to his promises about the hug and going over to your place. Maybe he had a bad morning or something else happened ... you never know. Don't jump to conclusions either way until you have the chance to talk with him. It's amazing what a little communication between friends can do ... you don't have to "out" yourself to him or tell him you have a crush on him, but you can tell him that the way he acted hurt you, or made you feel like you're his friend only when it's convenient for him, or something like that. And, in his mind, it's obviously okay for him to flirt with you (which is what he was doing -- how serious he was about it is debatable), so you should be able to playfully flirt with him, too. Give it a try ... nothing too serious, just a little teasing and flirting. You might be surprised. So, anyway, don't get depressed yet. The Apocolypse has not arrived! *Hugz*

At least take the hug ... hugs are good! Sounds like he's at least a pretty open and affectionate person, so even if he's not gay, he could very well be a safe person to come out to. Just play it by ear ... you know him better than any of us, you can see his body language and the way he looks at you, and stuff like that. Good luck, Adam!