Conflagration

I hate airplanes. I mean they are boring, you always end up where you started, and the flight attendants are always complete bitches. Seriously, I hate airplanes. These thoughts and many more went through my head as I got off the 5-hour flight from California. I mean, seriously, 5 hours to go across the country. What is this world coming to? “Flight 17 to Charles De Gaulle Airport in Paris will be leaving in 30 minutes please go to Gate...blah blah blah...” sounded a nasally voice over t

Changes always hurt, but when he moves from the sun capital of the world to the "Garden State," Michael discovers there's a brighter side to all things dark.

I'm not entirely sure why, but until now, I had decided to drop off the radar (in terms of this site). I was going through a really bad time in my life, which I hope I never have to repeat. I think I've learned from my mistakes--and yata yata. It always perplexed me that I never really got that close with anyone through this site. I'm sure it was due to preoccupation/lack of effort on my part, but yeah...I guess I'm going to try again. Hope everyone (who I knew briefly) is doing well, Adam

Jonathan has abandoned me. After a week of not talking, I emailed him this: ---------------------------------------------- I always wondered what I would say to my best friend when I graduated high school. I mean I figured, maybe I could somehow turn it into a happy thing

People always say, "Don't worry, things will get better...blah blah blah." What these people don't understand is the future is just that the future. Not predictable, not controlable (although I've tried).... Lately, my depression is getting worse. Jonathan has purposely not talked to me in three days--even though he had plenty of opportunities today and I txted him and KNOW for a fact that he has his cell phone, because I saw him with it today. The Situation with Max just gets worse. Yesterday, he told me that I'm obtrusive and annoying all the time when I "barge into conversations and disrepect obvious manners." This is on top of me watching him hug his girlfriend today. I'm losing grasp on any friendships I've had...ever. And people say look to the future.... What a joke......

Hey- Thanks for all the comments guys, I really appriciate it. Max and the girl he likes are getting closer...I have to say, its hard, when I see them together to just pull back and get out of earshot so I'm not being intrusive. \ Today, the girl he likes, who I thought was angry at me, talked to me, (we used to be pretty good friends before Jon pretty much took the friendship), and thought that I would be really pissed at her. I really want him to be happy, but its hell watching them flirt from a distance. In addition, Jon is being an ass lately. I asked him to read something that wouldn't have taken more than fifteen minutes, but he refused (I know for a fact he wasn't busy at the time). Then he blocked me, and refuses to admit that he did. Finally, my AP Computer Science (AB) Exam is tomorrow....wish me luck. -Adam

Sigh, lessee.... A long time ago, Max told me (I was the first to know) about the girl that he likes. As time passed, he explained that he was trying to push it down and not deal with it. I, however, was sitting on the side-lines in a little bit of an awkward position--listening to my crush talk about his crush, on a girl. So time passes, I get closer to Max, a little bit ago, we went to the mall with friends, and i sat alone next to him in the movie theater. Basically, this, and spending time with Max, cemented my crush. Poetically, and with the luck that seems to be unique to me, I am now spending my time trying to get him to get over his fear of being rejected in the long run, and ask her out. Why? Because she likes him. How do I know this? She told Jon, who told Max. At least I can take comfort in knowing that I did the right thing. I feel like complete crap--because even if Max doesn't ask her out, I am now positive that I never even had a chance. But, I put Max's happiness above my own. How ironic: [12:43:49 AM] Max: its just a nice feeling [12:43:56 AM] Max: what you've gone out after someone [12:44:03 AM] Max: who looks like a pretty bleak prospect [12:44:15 AM] Max: nd u successfully "get" them [12:44:27 AM] Max: to a point where u can make the decision [12:44:34 AM] AP Conflagrant: yes, and its also hell when they get farther out of ur reach lol

We think im OCD too. heheheh Thanks for reading--adam

Tonight was awesome. This AIM conversation explains why: [10:23:33 PM] AP Conflagrant: um well alexa, alicia, and me went to the mall (and we werent sure of max was coming) [10:23:39 PM] AP Conflagrant: so we ate dinner and had fun [10:23:40 PM] AP Conflagrant: then [10:23:44 PM] AP Conflagrant: max came [10:23:52 PM] AP Conflagrant: we went to starbucks [10:24:00 PM] AP Conflagrant: and then we got to the movie late [10:24:06 PM] AP Conflagrant: so ther were only pairs of seats [10:24:20 PM] AP Conflagrant: i sat next ot max [10:24:27 PM] AP Conflagrant: then alicia went with alexa [10:24:39 PM] AP Conflagrant: and max and i walked around the mall a lil till his dad got ther [10:24:56 PM] Julia: very cool [10:25:00 PM] Julia: what did you go see? [10:25:07 PM] AP Conflagrant: benchwarmers. ------- So yeah, it was lotsa fun. Alicia (a new friend), Jon, and me are going again tomorrow In other news, my friends and I think I'm bipolar, lol. I never really thought about it before....It makes sense though. The conclusion I have come to is that its not important .

Ive managed to piss Max off TWICE in the span of 10 hours....

I feel better than I have in a really long time....maybe ever Life is really going well, i knew certain things in my life were good (like the degree of acceptance towards my sexuality), but it seems everything is going in my favor now. Tomorrow, I am going to Max's house. Today was a little weird, because he didn't get home until like 10:45, so I didn't know whether I was going or not. Happily, it turned out in my favor. One of my friends, who I've been talking to more lately, seems to have a lot (I mean A LOT) in common with me, so that's kind of awesome . Jon's still being a good friend. I know my parents care more than ever; best of all I emotionally know it, not just mentally. I'm not quite stable, because my emotions vary with how things with Max are going, but when I was upset, I had multiple people to talk to.....this has (before the last like week) never happened in my life. I got a few of my friend's cellphone numbers, which for me was a big feat, because I rarely ever used my cellphone. I got my iPod today, and am listening to it as I type this, just to get a feel for it. I can honestly say....that I am happy on top of the world-adam (Listening to "Wings of a Butterfly"-HIM)

I'm starting therapy monday

Now its just a matter of keeping the happy (I started my anti-depressant today)!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK, today was...interesting. First, my parents found a thing I had written a little while back about depression and suicide--lets just say it was vivid. Apparently, my dad found it and faxed it to my mom, and they both came down early because they were worried. Long story short--they had an "intervention." Everything went well though. More importantly, I came out to Max today Seriously, I thought I had gotten good reactions before, but his is by far the best. So he (ironically) asked me who I liked and we had a long conversation, where I wouldn't tell him, but I felt bad, because he had previously told me. So I told him that I'm gay: [08:15:01 PM] AP Conflagrant: ok...i got sumthing to tell u...which shouldnt do anything...but i kinda have to tell u now....um....im gay [08:15:22 PM] AP Conflagrant: well? [08:15:36 PM] Max: well wut [08:15:46 PM] AP Conflagrant: well....reaction.... [08:15:50 PM] Max: ummm [08:15:52 PM] Max: none? lol [08:15:56 PM] AP Conflagrant: heheh [08:16:03 PM] Max: shud i have one? lol [08:16:10 PM] AP Conflagrant: well i didnt no how u were g2 react, but nothing? [08:16:14 PM] AP Conflagrant: thats a new one [08:16:20 PM] Max: iono not much phases me [08:16:27 PM] AP Conflagrant: like i no u arent homophobic and crap [08:16:28 PM] AP Conflagrant: but like [08:16:34 PM] AP Conflagrant: u nvr no how ppl will react [08:16:38 PM] Max: hmm thats true So anyway, he was really good about it, and then I was assertive and: [08:23:48 PM] AP Conflagrant: would u wanna hear which guys i think are hot [08:23:49 PM] AP Conflagrant: hehe [08:23:55 PM] AP Conflagrant: it would amuse me [08:23:57 PM] AP Conflagrant: but like [08:24:07 PM] Max: iono sure [08:24:09 PM] Max: i wudnt mind lol [08:24:11 PM] AP Conflagrant: heheh [08:24:13 PM] AP Conflagrant: ur weird [08:24:17 PM] Max: interesting conversation [08:24:18 PM] Max: vertainly [08:24:20 PM] Max: certainlly [08:25:00 PM] AP Conflagrant: wat this one? [08:25:10 PM] Max: well i mean it would make interesting convo [08:25:13 PM] Max: if you brought that up [08:25:13 PM] AP Conflagrant: oh [08:25:15 PM] AP Conflagrant: yea [08:25:16 PM] AP Conflagrant: prolly [08:25:20 PM] AP Conflagrant: dun think i wanna tho [08:25:26 PM] Max: lol [08:25:44 PM] Max: iono like .... i think its kinda .... cool [08:25:53 PM] AP Conflagrant: wat being gay? [08:25:55 PM] AP Conflagrant: hehe [08:25:55 PM] Max: i mean like you like guys, girls like guys [08:26:03 PM] Max: so its like ... [08:26:08 PM] AP Conflagrant: yes that would make sense [08:26:08 PM] Max: more ppl giving good advice [08:26:13 PM] AP Conflagrant: hehehehe [08:26:20 PM] Max: iono seems that way anyway [08:26:25 PM] Max: that like .. the really ... guy-ish guys [08:26:28 PM] Max: suck at it lol [08:26:42 PM] AP Conflagrant: suck at wat? [08:26:54 PM] Max: advice on the topic of .... [08:27:12 PM] Max: more-than-friendly relationships ...... [08:34:46 PM] AP Conflagrant: i hope everyone is gay [08:34:59 PM] Max: lol [08:35:00 PM] AP Conflagrant: including u [08:35:01 PM] AP Conflagrant: hehe [08:35:06 PM] AP Conflagrant: i no ur not tho [08:35:10 PM] Max: haha how u kno? [08:35:12 PM] AP Conflagrant: well [08:35:13 PM] AP Conflagrant: i dont [08:35:14 PM] AP Conflagrant: r u? [08:35:15 PM] AP Conflagrant: hehe [08:35:20 PM] Max: i dont believe i am [08:35:23 PM] AP Conflagrant: hahah [08:35:35 PM] AP Conflagrant: interesting way of putting it [08:35:36 PM] AP Conflagrant: ... [08:35:38 PM] Max: lol [08:35:52 PM] AP Conflagrant: have u ever had an interest in another guy? [08:35:52 PM] AP Conflagrant: lol [08:36:10 PM] Max: hmmm [08:36:30 PM] Max: i think possibly, but it was like in a companionship way [08:36:43 PM] Max: like ... we match so well its like we're fckin family [08:36:45 PM] AP Conflagrant: sumone at school. or person i dunno [08:36:47 PM] AP Conflagrant: hehe [08:36:51 PM] Max: out o school [08:37:02 PM] AP Conflagrant: mm [08:37:03 PM] Max: we called him my lil brother tho And then, it got even better: I asked if he wanted to hang out on thursday (we have off) and he said sure and were making plans tomorrow. I even made a joke about him being gay later in the conversation. REALLY happy-adam

heheh--eh its not too bad, i dont really have the common, "i want my best friend" syndrome (thank god) and thanks Kevin oh--and LittleBuddha--i liked ur new story

Hi y'all-thanks for wishing me a happy birthday Jon slept over from sat to just nowish when my dad and I brought him home. Materialistically-I got an iPod, a new fan, a pen (its a thing between my parents and me-milestone=pen), and iPod accessories Mentally-My dad has realized he's been kinda distant and is attempting to fix that (I came out to him--apparently he "thought" he was gay when he was my age--so i had a helluva time explaining that one Overall, considering that I've been woefully depressed lately, today was nice Thanks for reading, content-adam

Kitty, she already knows that I am depressed, I told her yesterday. I tend to not keep things from her. She reacted exactly how you described and I figured she would. Honestly, for me, the support and guidance is something I need from friends, becuase that is part of where the depression comes from. Thanks for caring . About the therepists and the anti-depressants, my mom has offered both (and both of us are aware of the mom-doctor thing, which in my case helps, believe it or not). It's mostly my stubborness. I just don't want to take them--and it's not the dependancy fear that a lot of people have, I just don't want to take them. Maybe it's pride? I'm not sure. Interestingly enough, there are two newer ways to deal with depression-that don't involve pills. There is a new patch, but my mom is reluctant to use it, because she hasn't tried it yet and also, there is a surgery, and follow up called VNS (vegal nerve stimulation), which is actually quite intereting . In regards to the end of the depression, I know it exists, I just can't seem to get there. Thanks for caring, adam

Your well on your way to becoming that therapist/psychiatrist/psycologist/etc. um see the thing is, I have a very unique situation: my mom is a psychiatrist, so I know a lot of what could be said to me and second, I've been on anti-depressants before: heheh, um im just going to say it wasn't a very pleasant experience (yes, I am aware that each one has different side-effects in each person). -adam

Hey y'all, thanks for all the comments, but I've got to explain things a little better.... First off, Max is not gay...I am literally 99% positive Second, I am not the type of person who just goes up to someone and hugs them, in fact, I have very little contact with other people in general, so just going up to him to hug him would have been a very bad idea. Currently, I am content with (hopefully) becoming really good friends with Max. Now the bad part, for the last (give or take) 7 years, I have had constant depression. For much of this time, I have also been suicidal. Now, when I say suicidal, I mean thinking about suicide, not actually going through with it. Let me explain...my mom means a lot to me, and her happiness is at the top of my list. Killing myself would devastate her, and thus break this goal. That being said, I still don't want to live. In the past, when I had these thoughts, nobody was there to listen. Tonight, when I had a major breakdown, I actually had people there to listen and help. That being said, I still don't want to continue my life. This past week, my depression has been its worst ever, I have every symptom that's possible (excluding conflicting ones) including: lack of energy, lack of appetite, lack of attention, headaches, nausea, etc. The ironic thing is that although I am gay, it is not the major reason that I am suicidal. Oh, and my birthday is Sunday--not one of my friends has brought it up, even though I mentioned it about 20 times in school today (and many more in the rest of the week). I close with a poem: There comes a time in all their lives Their thoughts, their days, all undescribed There comes a time for sins forgiven and conscience away from minds driven There comes a time for action taken away from those who are forsaken There comes a time when all consumes the inner darkness fully blooms There comes a time in all their lives Of Death willing myself to live-adam

I am officially comparing life to a yo-yo. (not that I didn't already know this analogy is a good one) I talked to Max again tonight and have now lost all hope that he's gay (he was talking to me about his crush, who is a girl at our school--this was a little bit awkward, but I think I did okay). I will now be content if we just become really good friends, which I hope we do. Oh, I almost forgot---check out these two links: (1) the word of the day yesterday: http://dictionary.reference.com/wordofthed...2006/04/05.html (2) Banning of brokeback (which I still haven't seen ): http://today.reuters.com/news/newsarticle....S-BROKEBACK.xml slightly less confused-adam

Today was not fun...... Max didn't mention anything about the conversation yesterday, thus giving me no hug . He also didn't "make plans" to come over like he said he would, nor did I get to talk to him at lunch, because he played chess (which I watched). I also almost (might have) gotten my first two demerits today (I am one of those people to whom that kind of thing really matters) for talking in class....one of which was to Max. My depression came back full swing and I did almost nothing tonight because of it. life sucks- adam

just kinda based on today (which wasn't much fun) I think I was right in assuming that he was completely kidding .

Hey guys!! So a bunch has happened since my last blog entry--and most of it has to do with my crush Yesterday (he kids around a lot) he was telling me on AIM (and I quote) [09:11:31 PM] Max: u r funnie man [09:11:38 PM] AP Conflagrant: um ok? [09:11:54 PM] Max: hehe [09:12:03 PM] AP Conflagrant: hehe to u too? [09:12:21 PM] Max: =D [09:12:26 PM] Max: i lub yuu [09:13:52 PM] AP Conflagrant: um...ok [09:14:05 PM] Max: COOL [09:14:14 PM] AP Conflagrant: cool? [09:14:19 PM] Max: adam if you dont give me a hug tomorrow [09:14:27 PM] Max: i;m gonna fcking bash your face in with a desk [09:14:46 PM] Max: then pull the scissors out of my backpack and cut your arteries out [09:15:12 PM] Max: when i'll take my fcking 20 lb backpack [09:15:20 PM] Max: and beat you continuously to a bloody pulo [09:15:20 PM] AP Conflagrant: mine weighs more [09:15:21 PM] AP Conflagrant: hehe [09:15:22 PM] Max: pulp* [09:15:27 PM] Max: well then thats even better [09:15:30 PM] Max: i'll use yours [09:15:32 PM] Max: GOT IT? [09:15:33 PM] AP Conflagrant: hhahaah [09:15:45 PM] Max: dude i'm not fckin kidding [09:16:05 PM] Max: i dont joke around with shit like this [09:16:13 PM] Max: okay well mayb i do So I'm really confused right now, because I had been asking questions to test whether he is gay and they all failed Last night, the conversation that we had was one of the longest that I have ever had with him, because usually he makes it really short. Also, we have a short break coming up and he wants to come over . Under normal circumstances that's like nothing, but when you go to private school, it doesn't happen much (at least to me ). He also asked my opinon on something, and told me that his day really sucked (but he wouldn't tell me why ) I'm really confused right now, I think he was kidding, but it gave me false hope again, and since before yesterday I was sort of trying to bury the crush, I'm not sure if this was good or not. I really want that hug too very confused- adam

hehehe, my parents are actually very good about this kinda thing , I was actually skeptical about staying home and they were like: Are you tired? Dp you have tests?--Your staying home! Thanks. I'm working on chapter two heheheh-I've asked my fair share of silly questions--just ask Jon the website of the organization that runs it is: http://www.glsen.org/cgi-bin/iowa/all/news/record/1920.html I'm not entirely sure that under normal circumstances I could go a day without speaking (I actually tried it once in a period and it was crazy ), but for THIS cause, I think I can do it . -Adam

Another short entry because I have hebrew school in like 5 minutes . First off, I didn't go to school today, because I've been getting progressively more tired and more tired and today (after going to sleep at 7 PM the night before), I was still exhausted and DEFINITELY not in the condition to take a test and two quizzes. It was a nice day off-sleep sleep sleep About 10 minutes ago, one of my friends in GSA imed me today and asked if I was going to participate in the day of silence (this particular friend knows I'm gay). I decided that I would do it, because there's no sense in NOT doing it I got Jon to do it too As always, the first chapter of my story is still up: http://adam.obproject.com (or at eFiction) -Adam