Comicality
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Sunday - Ok, so what do I really do with this...'feeling' right now? Huh? Because it's not going away, and it doesn't really serve a purpose of any kind, so it's just kinda sitting in my gut like a lump of wet cement. I mean, what the hell am I DOING here? I guess it's easy to figure out that I had my little 'talk' with Brandon on the phone today. I think I should be happy about it...but I'm not really. So you would think that means that it was bad news...but it wasn't really. But...like
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Saturday - I don't know how to feel right now....but it's kinda weird, you know? It's like..there are these really rare occasions in our lives that sorta feel like they're supposed to have this deep symbolic meaning or something....but the more you try to believe, the harder it is to actually fall for the trick. I don't know, maybe it's just the fact that it seems too easy. Or maybe too quick. Or maybe I just can't immerse myself deeply enough in the illusion to really be comfortable wit
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Friday - This is all wrong. Why do I suddenly feel as though I've been stabbed in the back here by 'Mr. Sweetie Face'??? Ok, listen to this... I saw Brandon this morning, right? Which is always a good thing, because it makes me feel all giddy and soft inside. Especially when the 'weasel' isn't around. So he's kinda stressing over some homework that he didn't get a chance to finish last night, and I'm just...I'm trying to use the few months that I've got to make him smile. Just ONCE
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Thursday - You know, I hate to say it, but maybe Joanna's got the right idea with this whole 'patience' thing. Seriously...I saw Brandon today, and he actually smiled at me. Like...a real smile! I don't think I've seen that pretty pretty smile of his for WEEKS now! Not like I did today! And...oh my gosh...it was like falling in love with him for the first time all over again! My heart started beating fast, my palms got all sweaty and gross, and my legs got so damn weak that it was hard t
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Wednesday - As much as I was hoping to drill this strategy of Joanna's right into Brandon's heart day after day until I got what I wanted...I just didn't have the heart to do it today. Now that I think about it...Brandon actually paid me a compliment yesterday. He said that he misjudged me. He said that I could come by and visit any time I wanted. And I should have totally taken advantage of that invitation today. But....I didn't. Sighhhh... See, I was coming from first period this
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Tuesday - Okaaaay...so did I really make any progress today? Or was that all some kind of illusion made up by my mixed up mind and desperate mind? I'm willing to bet that it was the latter. Either way, Operation 'Keep Stevie's Grimy Hands Off Of My Pretty Boy' is now officially underway. Sighhh...GOD, I hope Joanna was right about this! Sam asked me a really weird question today. He was like, "So...if you and Brandon get back together, are you and me gonna be able to keep hanging ou
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Monday - I feel like I have the ultimate infestation of cooties right now. Ugh! Okaaaaay...so here goes. I went to school today, really giving Joanna's little 'talk' some serious thought. And giving the idea of bashing Stevie's head in with a baseball bat from the gym some serious thought too. Only one of them is going to bring me any kind of peace of mind (And the other one was Joanna's idea!) But...if there's even a slight chance that it'll win Brandon's heart back...it was w
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Sunday - There's something about revealing a deep dark secret that's both liberating and terrifying at the same time. You almost feel like letting out a sigh of relief, but you're afraid someone will hear ya if you do, you know? Then...there's the big deflated feeling you get when you reveal a secret that isn't much of a secret at all. Then things get kinda...'twisted' and...wait, I'm not making any sense right now... Let me try this again... I felt really bad about yesterday.
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Saturday - Ok, you know what? If Jimmy LaPlane wants to be an asshole, then FINE! I was just trying to fucking HELP him out, and he's too damn stubborn to even TALK to me! So last night, right before going to bed, I wrote Jimmy an email to tell him to talk to me this morning. I made SURE to tell him, "Call me as SOON as you wake up!" I remember him saying that he was going to meet AJ today and that they were gonna do it over at his house. He was making a BIG mistake! I was TRYING to save
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Friday - You know, I was kinda looking for some sort of....'help' with this screwed up situation of mine with Brandon, mostly out of desperation. But, funny thing...I actually got some from the strangest place today. I mean...well, let me try to put my thoughts in order about it all so this will make sense later. See, I saw Sam early this morning, and he was seriously reaching his limit as far as letting me have my 'space' was concerned. He just couldn't stand it any more, and he approac
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Thursday - Well, it's official. Jimmy LaPlane will probably never talk to me ever again. I saw him in the hall today by his locker, and kind of expected a dirty look, or a total snub when I walked by. But he actually stopped me and said, "You know, you have a lotta fucking nerve, doing what you did to me last night! I KNOW what you're doing! I don't appreciate you talking shit about my boyfriend, and I DON'T appreciate you playing this stupid little game with me, either!" I'm like, "WHAT
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Wednesday - So I did it today....sorta. I spilled the beans on AJ. I talked to Jimmy tonight, and I told him that he was no good and that he was asking for trouble getting mixed up with a boy like that. Of course...I told him all of this 'online' in a private chat sorta thing...but I DID tell him though! He was going on and on about how wonderful 'Alex' is and how much fun he has with him and how the sex with him this weekend is going to be soooo HOT! And I had to stop him. AJ is go
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Tuesday - I think I've just been...like...'challenged'! You know what I mean? Of COURSE you don't! You're just a book! But...yeah...it happened! I SWEAR...it really happened! Ok, before I get into all of that shit, let me say this...I have been a REALLY good boy today! I mean, I was thinking of doing something extremely rotten today in school...and I was able to restrain myself. I don't know why though. I guess my conscience got the best of me. See....I saw Brandon and Stevie t
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Monday - Well....I guess that today is a pretty good example of things working out for the worst. You know, sometimes...when you mess up...you don't get to take it back. And you don't get to fix it. And that's an open invitation for the next person to just...'slide right in', you know? To make a long story short, I got to share a few civil words with Brandon today. Well, 'civil' probably isn't the right word. It's more like he tolerated me long enough to let me know that he was moving on
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Sunday - ACCKKK!!! This was NOT a good day! It even started with a 'squish'! Arrgh! Damn Lee and his sexy...EVERYTHING...!!! I'm a bit ashamed to say that I entertained a nice little fantasy about me and him last night while I was asleep. Thank GOD I didn't spend the night at his house! Otherwise I would have been walking around all day in soaked boxers, trying to find a believable way to explain to Lee why he had a giant sticky wet spot on his sheets! I can't WAIT until I'm old eno
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Saturday - You know, sometimes it's funny to find out who your angels are. It's weird, and it's wild, but sometimes those people show up just when you need them most. I guess it's all a part of the divine plan that's gotten me this far, huh? I'm talking about Bobby Jinette, believe it or not. I was actually kinda bothered by the fact that he called this afternoon. A least I was at first. It was mostly because I had my head full of all these conflicting emotions and weirdness surroun
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Friday - I just got off the phone with Lee, which always puts me in a good mood. Especially when he's anxious to see me. Hehehe, God, I can't believe that I'm still blushing over a phone call! I really can't understand why my crush on Lee is sooooo strong sometimes. I mean, we're just friends, and I'm cool with that. It's not like I'm head over heels in 'love' with him or anything. I just....sighhh...sometimes I can just hear his voice, and think about the cute little sparkle in his eyes, and
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Thursday - 'Stevie'.... That's the son of a bitch's name! 'Stevie'! The one who seems to be so cuddly and cute with Brandon all of a sudden. So now I know what to shout out when I need him to turn around so I can deliver a direct shot to his face with my FIST! Pretty little emo boy, moving in on somebody who's not even three weeks out of a relationship. Fuck him! God...I can't believe how much I HATE seeing that kid smile! Some people just try to be all cute and sweet no matter WHAT
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Wednesday - Shit..... You know just when I was under the impression that I could still successfully hide thing from my very best friend in the world...he reminds me just how hopelessly 'open' I am to him in every possible way. It's like, I went down to eat lunch with him and Joanna today, and they were actually able to keep their hands off of each other long enough for it to be tolerable. (I'm sorry...but I don't think I'm ever going to reach a point where the two of them being all
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Tuesday - NO!!! NO NO NO NO NO NO *NO*!!!!! NOTHING about today went right! NOTHING about today was even sane! This is wrong! It's ALL wrong! These things are not supposed to happen to me! They're not supposed to happen to ANYBODY!!! Ok, first...before I even get into the possible destruction of my life...let me just say that the more I try to find a way to get Brandon to forgive me, the more I continue to fuck it up even worse! And I'm not even TRYING to screw up, it's just...it's
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Monday - You know, there's something so outrageously wrong with seeing someone that you used to spend time with...spending time with someone else. I mean, it's like a weird 'jump' in the reel of your own personal movie, where you just feel like you missed something. And that's what bothered me most today...when I saw Brandon hanging out with two other boys in the cafeteria. With the big secret out, and a better understanding for Sam's relationship, it felt a lot more normal to hang out w
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Sunday - It was a MAJOR relief to see Sam today!!! You have no fucking IDEA how SCARED I was that everything was all over and done with! I was terrified! I even woke up this morning with a sickening tremble in my stomach. You know...after all that time I spent angry at Sam, punishing him and cursing at him and avoiding him in the hallways...a part of me always knew that he was still 'around', you know? Like...deep down, I knew that there was a chance for things to get patched up eventually, e
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Saturday - There's something wrong. I just KNOW there is. I tried calling Sam twice this morning, and he didn't pick up the phone. And I know he and Joanna didn't go to the mall today, because Lee already told me that she had a dentist appointment today to get her teeth cleaned. So there's no way that they're spending time together today. And unless Sam has something specific to do, he always just kinda lounges around the house all day. I've been friends with him to know his habits, and
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Friday - I'm....I'm still shaking.... I feel...kinda squishy and sick inside right now, and it's hard to even keep my hand still for long enough to write this entry. But...I did it. I can't believe that I actually did it. And the bad thing is...I don't know whether or not I've made things better and more honest...just royally screwed my life up forever. There's no really easy way to say it. But as long as I'm writing it down, I might as well tell it all, and mark this Friday as
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Thursday - FREEDOM!!! Unbelievable, undeniable, downright BEAUTIFUL...FREEDOM!!!! Today was officially the LAST day of my punishment, and I swear...just waking up to see the sunshine and hear the birds singing sweetly outside of my window was like a gift from God today! I could watch TV again, play video games, talk to my friends online, hang out after school....the oppressive veil of teenage misery has been lifted, and I was free to be 'me' again! It was such a huge weight off of m
