My journey through pain - 4. Chapter 4 - Too much at once

I won’t command you to “Have a Happy Birthday” (any more than I would demand someone “Have a nice day!”) but I will wish that you do/did/will have one. 

Your writing is not TMI. It’s real and honest. And totally familiar. It’s unfortunate that your psychiatrist couldn’t find a combination of meds that could at least take the edge off of the “pain” without unbearable side effects. It’s also not that surprising. It took my health care providers and me decades to come up with a combination that works for me. As I’m sure you’ve experienced but others reading this might not know, antidepressants and accompanying adjunct therapies aren’t happy pills. They don’t make you happy. The best they can do is keep the low times from being as deep as they might otherwise be, giving one the ability to either build up some psychic reserves or at least keep those reserves from being drained as quickly. Unfortunately, they all come with side effects. Most aren’t life threatening but are very annoying like the inability to achieve orgasm (period, nope not happening, almost...almost...fuck! It’s gone) or sweating if you do nearly anything. The most powerful ones have the worst side effects like uncontrollable tremors or feeling completely spaced out all the time. 

I do hope your therapist is able to help you with the very hard work of taking control of your brain and retraining it to stop automatically sending you to places that are both unpleasant and untrue. That’s what I’m still working on but it’s quite difficult especially when outside events ambush me and drain all the reserves I’ve  managed to horde.

I look forward to the day when you post that you’ve recovered enough that you enjoy writing fiction again. I remember when I used to check this site literally every day to see if you’d posted anything new. You have a great ability to suck me into your writing, making me care about your characters and enabling me to suspend disbelief. That’s something that most of the writers on this site can’t do for a cynical old curmudgeon like me. 

Thank you so much, guys. Today was especially hard for me because it's supposed to be a happy day, you know? I'm scared of having a panic attack in the night. But I'll try to sleep a bit.

17 minutes ago, albertnothlit said:

Thank you so much, guys. Today was especially hard for me because it's supposed to be a happy day, you know? I'm scared of having a panic attack in the night. But I'll try to sleep a bit.

What will be will be, dear.  Remember what you said the other day about just letting the fear go through you instead of fighting it?  Don't be afraid and ignore all the lies your fears try to whisper in your ears.  

At least, you are able to stare those thieves in the night straight in the eye. This means you can identify them and eventually deal with them. Or let them pass you by. 

Yeah. I'm trying hard to remember, to face the fear and let it pass. It's damn hard, but you know what? I'm still here. And I'm not going anywhere.

Drpaladin is right. Meds cover up things. They don't cure them. Talking will cure more than any pills will.Talking and sharing. Every time you share things that scare you or worry you they get a  little lighter. So keep doing what you are doing!!!! 

Thank you, Drpaladin, and BooRadley. I know this to be true as well, having been through both experiences, with and without meds. I'm trying very hard to fight this with all I've got. If some medication is needed, so be it - but I won't use it as a crutch.

Happy Belated Birthday.

Congratulations on the present you gave yourself this day.