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The content presented here is for informational or educational purposes only. These are just the authors' personal opinions and knowledge.
Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are based on the authors' lives and experiences and may be changed to protect personal information. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 

My journey through pain - 1. Chapter 1 - the beginning of fear

Hello all.

I come to you in humility, after years of not publishing anything on this wonderful site. I have been struck with depression, struck down hard. I have been in psychiatric treatment, and then left it when the side effects got too bad and I saw no improvement to my mental health. My life has changed, too, in many ways. I have dealt with the blows, one by one, but this last one threatens to make me crumble - and I don't want to. So I come back to writing, wiser, older, afraid. These will be my notes and thoughts as I deal with what I go through - and maybe, just maybe, my way out of the darkness too. I will tell it like it is, writing non-fiction for the first time in my life, and the subject will be me. I know I cannot ask you to read this, but just in case you do, I thank you already.

 

Let's go.

 

My marriage ended very badly. Fists-badly. I moved away with my dog and the things I could carry on my back after the night when it all went to hell, moved back with my mother, who has kindly received her wreck of a son in her outstretched arms. At first I thought I could tough it out on my own, but soon the flashbacks started coming. The horrible words hurled in anger between my ex-husband and me. The escalation. The fear, the powerlessness. And I have begun to experience panic attacks, slowly at first, then more and more as days have turned into weeks. I wake up in the middle of the night, a cornered animal, wanting to scream from how bad it feels. Last night I couldn't sleep more than a couple fitful hours. I fear tonight, fear the terrible panic, but at the same time I want to fight, I want to regain my inner peace. It feels as though my mind has gotten stuck in a vicious cycle of fear and panic that feeds on itself. My panic attacks come during the day, too. They make me feel hot and cold at the same time. In those moments, I know something bad is going to happen to me, is happening, and I have no defense. It is terrifying. I now know true horror, true hopelessness.

But this journal right here, this is my way to fight. I apologize in advance for it not being a story like the ones I was known for here in GA, and I'm not even sure it's okay for me to publish these most intimate thoughts like this, but it somehow helps. And, with your leave, I would like to keep on recording. Maybe I'll write tonight at 3 am in the throes of panic. Maybe I'll write some other time. I'm not sure, but this is my first step.

thank you all- peace out.
Copyright © 2018 albertnothlit; All Rights Reserved.
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The content presented here is for informational or educational purposes only. These are just the authors' personal opinions and knowledge.
Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are based on the authors' lives and experiences and may be changed to protect personal information. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 
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You are not alone.   You are in pain.   Writing is an excellent outlet.  I encourage you to share this pain through writing with the community here in hopes that we can life part of your burden.  Remember that no feeling lasts forever and that things WILL improve.  Its just going to suck painfully for a long time until it does.  Peace, Brother.

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I understand part of what you're going through.  I've been in a similar situation in my past.  I survived and so can you. :hug:

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We all go through some very emotional times in our lives, some of those times are fairly easy for us to handle and don't become a problem, unfortunately some are those times are not so easy and they hit us hard. I'm sorry that you are experiencing the latter, but encouraged that you recognise that and have found your outlet to help you handle it, it shows your strength. It still won't be easy, at least not at the start, but this is your beginning of your journey in learning how to move forward and improving your situation and your life, and things will improve and become easier in time. I wish you well and encourage you to continue to post, many of us will support you and your posts will help us to understand and give you that support. And please do not apologise for being human and having feelings.

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 It is good to see you back. I believe you have.chosen the right.path toward getting better by using the medium you know best. Understanding the whys of what you are experiencing is the first step to beating it. 

Edited by drpaladin
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Darling, you do what you need to do to stay afloat during these times, okay? ❤️ I know I'm just a random profile, but I do care. Stay strong!

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I've missed you around here and your stories. It breaks my heart to hear what you're going through. I hope writing this journal can help and I think you are brave to let us follow you in this. 

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Reading this, my heart was in my mouth for a myriad of reasons. It can be such a solitary journey at times, to defeat the darkness, but you are not alone, Albert. :heart: 

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Good talk goes a long way to helping get rid of hard things said. You keep up the good talk and we'll listen, and be there.

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Hey,I m suffering thru smth similar so sorry buy I will not be reading it.I had what I wud call chronic depression 5 years back n I suffered thru it for 2 years.Since den it passed to being depressed all tim n giving up on living in general.It is d same now,so yeah,I know no1 can get wht another person is going thru dan d person himself but believe it or not.I do.I suffer from panick attacks too though dey hv escalated over d years.M doing smth similar like u,I hv started writing abt in on a website.Living os damn difficult huh.U can do it,m trying too ,though idk how long I can keep it up coz m ready to throw d towel once n for all,remember u r not alone.life is a bitch but u r still breathing aren't u?no matter u want to or not,u r right?so dere is a reason for it even if we don't know what it is yet.well,I hope.tc

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It is non sense kind of,but shit ,m trying so yeah.u do it too.n if anything i wrote offended u somehow,sorry.

Edited by Caramel8
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Flashbacks and nightterrors - two of natures finest destructors.

I found writing was very helpful - multiple journals now.

I hope you find the same healing.  It's never been "fast enough" - but looking back, I guess it has helped.

Thank you for trusting enough to share.

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You are not alone , i feel deeply about this, if you need to yell, scream out, feel free im here to listen 24/7, i cannot take away your pain but i can support you and if you need talk to someone who will listen and never judge please message me.

 

John from England.

 

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