Jump to content

Demetz

Author
 View Profile  See their activity

  • Posts

    628

  • Joined

  • Last visited

 Content Type 

Blog Entries posted by Demetz

  1. Demetz

    A return to blogging

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    April 30, 2010
     
     
     
     
    I've just completed a good run. I always feel well afterward, if a bit parched since I don't have a water bottle. I'll be fixing that soon, hopefully. I've been meaning to work out more regularly and I've decided that today will mark day zero for that effort. My goal is to eventually do two miles in fifteen minutes, and twenty minutes of running total. Today I got maybe a mile and a half before the fifteen minute mark and my lower legs felt like they were burning, but I did meet my goal of at least doing a fifteen minute run today.
     
     
     
     
    My neighbor moved out and I inherited a bunch of furniture from her. Now my apartment almost feels like a home. It certainly looks more like one now when you first walk in. I still need to get myself a proper bed though. I'm tired of sleeping on a small mattress on the floor or the futon in the living room. Anyway, she gave me a love seat, a tv-stand, a couple of end tables, a box full of glasses, and some porch furniture
  2. Demetz

    New guy; new job?

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    So last night I had this guy come over. We go out to dinner at applebees for their 2 for 20 special and have nice and ranging conversation... then we go back to my place and for the next couple hours our hands are all over each other but we keep our pants on...
     
    Actually... I could give a very thorough and exciting description of all the foreplay that went on between us, but instead I'm going to skip all that and say that at about 2am I asked if he wanted to spend the night or head home... he wanted to spend the night so we dispensed with pants and snuggled up together - he slept happily in my arms and that was very nice... surprisingly I didn't really have trouble sleeping that way.
     
    Also, his neck is now covered in hickeys. Both sides of it, and there could have been more... so many more >_>
     
    He's a music major at the University of South Florida, he plays violin, and he is also studying to become an interpreter for the deaf. He comes off as a little shy and he blushes in this really cute way. So far, I like him
     
    This morning I cooked us some eggs for breakfast and I take a shower and get all dressed up for an interview I had this morning. Instead of me taking a bus to my interview we made out on my bed for an extra half hour or so. Turns out me in a suit and tie was huge turn on for him.
     
    Eventually I get to my interview and I make a very good impression and I get offered the job. Now I just have to decide if I want to take it... the newspaper ad said 6-800/wk for pay, which I could live off okay. Turns out they're basing that off expected sales commissions. I'd be working for something of a subcompany for ADT doing door to door sales for them. Apparently its a $225 commission for each sale I make. If I were to do even two a week I'd be much better off than I am now... and the lady who interviewed me was very imressed with me. She's convinced that I have a level of charm that will go very well with the job and apparently I look like someone people can trust. It would be a big decision for me to take this job because there's no guaranteed pay when its commissions based... but then I'm also eligible to go into the manager trainee position which does get a base pay.
     
    The operation of the business works something like this - the sales team meets at the offfice, everyone gets in a bus and we head off to the community we'll be selling in at around noon and we're back by around 8pm. I've got to think in 40 hours a week in door to door sales I'd have to come up with at least two a week (which would practically double my current pay)... but I still hesitate because of the lack of guarantee.... yet, i'm not making much working at the restaurant right now anyway.... gaaaaaah! You can see I'm torn on it.
     
    So...okay, here's the plan. I'm going to go ahead and accept the job with a couple conditions - I'd start out part time, just two or three days a week - the days I'm not already working at the restaurant. After seeing how it goes and if it goes well, I'll switch gears and work full time for the security company and work only a couple days a week at the restaurant, that way if things fall through I'll still have my job with the restaurant to fall back on.
     
    *plays with spreadsheet budget*
     
    Come to think of it....even 2 sales a week would mean i could afford my current standard of living plus a car. And the three sales a week they say is what their new employees normally make would give me a good 900/month extra.
     
    Here's to hoping this will be my big break!
  3. Demetz

    So much for stage two!

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    Haha, okay so maybe not yet but with last night....
     
    Well I'll start at the beginning. The beginning of yesterday, anyway. Yesterday was a Tuesday, my day off, so I had lots of free time and its also the day I do my best to find myself a date. During the day time I went out and took the Florida Criminal Justice Basic Abilities Test. While I was there I decided to go ahead and start the PASS process, which when complete will put me into the candidate pool for law enforcement agencies across all of Pinellas County (the county where I live) and I figured why not? My actual goal, though, is to get into the Hillsborough county sherrif's office. Hillsborough is on the otherside of Tampa bay and home to the city of Tampa, itself. The Hillsborough Sherriff's department offers to pay the way of trainees through the police academy and even pays them a wage on top of that... $17.63/hr. I have no doubt in my mind I would excel at the academy and graduate toward the top if not at the very top of my class. The academy lasts about six months and once through it there would be another month of on the job training and after that I would be a full Law Enforcement Deputy for the Hillsborough Sherrif's office - a position which comes with a $45,000/ year salary. Living as I am essentially in a state of poverty, you can imagine how much that job would mean to me.
     
    In any case, after I got home from doing something productive with my life it was time to try to do something fun. So I logged into adam4adam and as usual I wasn't really expecting a whole lot but maybe get someone to come over watch a movie, do the deed and be on with it. There was a guy who I had noticed a couple times before, very cute and with a profile that matched what I was looking for on most of the important points... versatile in bed, doesn't smoke, drinks socially but not often, doesn't do drugs... and he looked like he radiates hotness. Well I had talked with him a couple times before and tonight I asked if he would like to come over. He agreed and I cooked a pizza, timing it to be ready for him to be here. When he arrived I had an immediate attraction to him. As we talked and got to know each other a little better, that attraction just got stronger. I can't remember all the details exactly but I do remember him mentioning that he has had to move around quite a lot and he's not entirely thrilled about that instability. Apparently he also had a very bad relationship with someone who was very abusive, and at this point he's not really looking for a relationship but I got the feeling from him that if he found someone worth having a relationship with, he wouldn't hesitate once he was sure of the guy. After pizza we headed out to get some movies and wandered through a hollywood video. We talked a lot and I picked out four of them for $20 since I've been trying to expand my dvd collection. I was amazed by just how attracted I was to him... not just in a sexual sense either. I wanted to come up and give him a big hug and cuddle him right there in the video store but I knew it was still too soon. As I thought about it I began to realize... this wasn't someone I could only see being friends with. This was someone I could see possibly being boyfriends with. Not just an occasional hookup, but I could possibly have a sincere relationship with him. I resolved at that point not to burn myself by moving too quickly. We got back to my place and I got it all set up, made some popcorn and turned out the lights, and we cuddled up and watched the movie together... after a while we started kissing and holy gawd is he ever a good kisser! Just about everything he did fell right in line with in line with what my body likes and the one thing he did which wasn't on my normal list of 'lets do this' ... well, I could get used to it if he's into that, haha.
     
    The thing is... you have no idea how proud I was of myself and just what an accomplishment it was for me that we both kept our pants on. For a guy I was that attracted to, and who I really would like to have sex with... I decided I really would rather wait a few dates and get to know each other better so that when the time came it really would be an exchange not just of pleasure and fluid but also of emotion.
     
    He ended up having to leave, even though I could tell he didn't really want to, because he had to be up to go to work today... and in a way I was a little relieved because that meant not having to worry anymore if I could continue to resist the temptation to take off all our clothes, haha. His personality fits what I'm looking for, if our cuddle and hump-through-clothes session is anything to judge by his sexual pallate is right up my alley, and he is just so damn cute and cuddlable! I so very much want to see him again and from the messages we exchanged this morning online I think he feels the same.
     
    So yeah... i may not be ready to settle down with him just yet and we're definitely a ways off from that but I could see that possibility and I'm glad for it.
     
    He mentioned wanting to go to the beach... I have a feeling that will be our next date
  4. Demetz

    Evolving Identity

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    I just got done watching a movie called "Boy Culture" ... I enjoyed it even i don't care for all the hustling... still a few good points were made here and there. I ended up reflecting a bit on myself as I watched it and came across a scene where they're talking about the stages of being gay.
     
    In stage 1, you've just come out to yourself and you have this romantic idea of not being a slut and meeting another guy who is also not a slut and living happily ever after with him. My stage 1 lasted a little over a year or so and since then I've been transitioning to...
     
    Stage 2: Playtime. If a guy looks cute, can at least talk somewhat smoothly then its playtime. I'm dating around a bit, trying to meet new guys, so far i've had one MAJOR bust but we'll get to that later. The point is i'm on the gay market and while im no hustler for cash I do like good company and I'm a very affectionate guy in return for that. Eventually I'll be on my way to...
     
    Stage 3: When enough wild oats have been sewn and its time to look into getting really serious and settle down. However....
     
    I sincerely doubt I'll meet that guy for some time and in the meantime its time to make the most of stage 2. So far I've had one MAJOR bust... July 3 I have a guy over... I'd seen him before and been disappointed then because he had already 'finished' before i so much as had my pants down... to be fair i was giving him some....attention at the time, but still he finished and that was it... he put his clothes back on and left me to finish myself. I was disappointe and tired but willing to give him another shot because I thought he was probably just embarrassed at ... finishing so soon. Well he came over july 3rd we worked out a little showered, and made our way back to the bed and it was shortly after that I discovered despite ample opportunity to take care of such things while in the shower and had not bothered to clean himself properly downstairs. And he wanted me to rim him. Gross. I wouldn't do it and just kept pushing his ass out of my face every time he stuck it there. We get around to the part where im supposed to be in him and I was still a bit turned off but I wasn't going to just send him home because he'd probably just get lost again and i didn't want that on my conscience. So after stretching him appropriately I put on the condom and start doing my thing.... and he ... finishes, without bothering to warn me at all that he was even close so I was quite a ways off. There's ways to salvage that though, you know? I toss the condom clean myself off and maybe it was wrong of me? - I expected he would be the one to get me to orgasm that night. No-go. I ended up finishing myself off and I do not kid you at all when I say I would rather have used the condom in conjunction with a plastic grocery bag and my pillow instead for a more pleasurable, clean, and cuddlable evening. I did the gentlemanly thing though and at least cooked breakfast for him the next morning before closing the door on this dirty guy, who I will not be responding to ever again. Moral of this story: Look, I've bottomed before, I had the courtesy to make sure I was clean first inside and out and I made damn sure I was clean as could be if I was going to be rimmed. If whoever im with can't show me enough respect to make sure he's clean, i don't want to be with him.
     
    I do have better news though. On Tuesday I was talking with this 26 y/o Asian guy online... we ended up going out to see transformers 2 - loved the movie, btw. At first I wasn't sure if he was really into me at all... I brushed my leg up against his a little during the movie ... you know all that subtle unsubtlety that comes along with the earliest stages in finding out if a guy is into you... I wasn't getting much off him at that point though so I started thinking, 'well if nothing else, I've made a friend' ... he paid for my ticket too, which wasn't necessary but still very nice of him. After the movie I was a bit hungry so I asked him if he wanted to go somewhere to get something to eat, we ended up driving around all over the southern half of pinellas county looking for a place that was open late and settled in on an applebee's. He had a couple beers, I had a mudslide (damn are those ever delicious!) and he loosened up a bit as we got to know each other a bit better there. We went back to my place and kissed and cuddled for a while before I was treated to the BEST oral of my life. We actually ended up going back to his place since he has a bigger bed and after getting good and comfourtable, welll to keep this from getting too pornographic lets just say we got to it that night and the next morning and he was walking funny for the next couple days. I'm not really seeing hearts and roses there but a friend and cuddle/f**kbud? Definitely. The great thing is... he's a 26 year old professor of business at a major University, he's lived a bit, very intelligent and though he's not verry happy with his job he's got a job that pays pretty well which is more than i can say for myself. He's not an idiot, not desperately trying to force himself to fall in love, not a smoker (sorry those of you who do but thats a turn-off)... and he's CLEAN!
     
    And then there's last night... was talking to a guy a little bit... he just got laid off from his job, I wanted someone to give me a ride to the grocery store so my refrigerator wouldn't be so barren and he was willing to do that. We didn't actually get to the grocery shopping part and I wasn't feeling much chemistry there though so we watched a movie I gave him a hug and he went home. Maybe we'll hang out again at some point.
     
    My future line-up... wow it seems like there's a lot more guys in the area now! I could definitely see myself going out with the 26 y/o professor again. Lots of cute guys out there though, so we'll see what happens. I'm looking forward to exploring for a while but you never know... I might stumble onto the guy out there somewhere and when that happens I know I'll embrace that. In the meantime... why be alone and without companionship when there are so many opportunities out there to meet people?
  5. Demetz

    Happy News!

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    Okay, so two days ago I was breaking down in tears because it seemed like no matter what I did I could never get out of the rathole im currently living in. I got an extra shift permanently added to my schedule and im not a moron - i know how to live on a budget and what I can afford. With the extra shift each week I can afford my own place but it seemed like everywhere I went they wanted 3x rent as minimum monthly income. I was ready to give up... but yesterday I came across an ad in the paper... a 2 bedroom 1 bathroom duplex for 550 per month... water, sewage, trash, and lawncare all included in the rent. I called and talked to the lady doing the renting and scheduled a meeting with her for today.
     
    Today I went downtown and got myself a haircut. The guy cutting my hair was obviously gay, did a great job, and was fun to talk to - I gave him an 8 dollar tip on a 12 dollar haircut
     
    After that I went to subway to try out their five dollar footlong thing... I was once again disappointed because apparently when they say "chicken and bacon ranch sub" thats exactly what they mean... you a handful of small pieces of chicken, a couple of the thinnest cut slices of bacon imaginable, and some ranch squirted on it. So once again I am resolved that if ever I desire a sub, subway is the LAST place to go for one. I reccommend a Publix store - get the ultimate, white bread, mayo and spicy mustard on both sides of the bread, yellow american cheese, and load it up with pickles and olives - and remember to ask for Publix brand meat. You'll get much more value for your dollar.
     
    Anyway after my disappointing lunch at subway I took a bus back across to the other side of the city where my new place will be. I checked it out and I was quite happy with what I saw. The carpets looked a little old, but they were clean. The place was freshly painted. The kitchen was nice and clean and there was enough cabinet space to suit my needs. The refrigerator is big enough to suit me. TWO BEDROOMS! I can't believe I'm getting a place with two bedrooms for only 550/month!
     
    So here's the plan... tomorrow I bring in a money order for the move in cost and sign the lease. Not today, but this coming thursday I'll be moving all my stuff in. I'll be buying a new bed for one bedroom, where I'll also put in my dresser and I'll buy a nightstand to put in there too. The other room I'll put my current mattress and my weight set as well as my minifridge and a desk I'm going to buy. For the living room I'll be buying a couch, a coffee table, and a TV stand for my TV, although I won't be buying cable for a while.
     
    My lack of cable will also mean a lack of regular internet for a while so if you don't see me online much anymore - that's why. There's a McDonalds with wifi not too far away so I may head down there every now and then, but I won't be hooking up cable/internet until I know what my new expense/income ratio will be.
     
    I am sooo excited about this. There's a few basic things to measure a "successful" person... to me, these are having income to support having one's own place, a car, and the capacity to seek out a special someone. For quite a while now I've had none of these things. Now I'm going to at least have my own place, and that step toward being successful in my own eyes just makes me so happy.
  6. Demetz

    New Year's Bad News

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    So today I was told i have 30 days to leave my current residence. It seems my landlord has a friend moving here from out of state and as the other friend already living here has known my landlord longer i'm at the bottom of the totem pole and on my way out.
     
    Interesting how he didn't bother to inform me of this until AFTER I've paid him this month's rent, which had I known his plans, would have been paid to him weekly until i had a new place to stay.
     
     
     
    I am not happy about this.
  7. Demetz

    End of the year happiness

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    So a good friend flew down to spend new year's with me and so far we have had an excellent time. Yesterday we went to the beach and spent most of the day there, walked through the surf, shared an icecream cone, and watched the sunset. To make a great day even better, this girl took pictures of us together watching the sunset and e-mailed them to me. I'm so happy he came and really enjoying our time together.
     
     
     

  8. Demetz

    Sick of Being Stood UP

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    I'm not even going to bother anymore. Even when someone agrees to meet (rare enough, everybody's got some excuse) they don't actually show up.
     
    I'm not that bad looking. I like to think I have a decent personality, but nobody bothers to actually go out with me.
     
    So now I'm not bothering. Just going to do my own thing and quit caring.
  9. Demetz

    Did I shave my nuts for this?

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    A few days ago a cute guy i met online asked me out for a date for today. We were supposed to go to the beach. A few hours ago i send him a text message asking me when he wants to meet. The first answer I get back is "when do you want to f**K" and I thought "what the hell, you asked me on a date not to screw" so I messaged him back asking if that was all he was interested in. He responds that he was just checking to make sure thats not what I was interested in. Great... he thinks he has to be deceptive to get the truth - not a good start. He then informs me that he has a friend visiting him from orlando and that he's eating with him. I respond telling him to just let me know when he's ready to go.
     
    I follow that up by cleaning my room, taking a shower, going through the extra trouble to shave my nuts cause I mean come on who wants to grab a set of hair balls when they reach down there? So when i'm done cleaning myself up and making sure my room and the kitchen are all presentable i send him a message asking if we'd be meeting soon since I wanted to get to the beach before it gets dark. Two hours later I have no response.
     
    Did I really shave my nuts for this?
  10. Demetz

    Bicycle Lights

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    Tonight was my last night at work. It was the last night i would ever have to make that three mile ride through near pitch-black dark. I was going to ride on the far side of SR 70 since the side i normally ride on is having some work done on it in some places.
     
    However, yesterday I learned that despite my mom's request to have the 22nd off was not just granted, it was also forgotten and she got scheduled anyway. What this means to me is I have to be up at 8:30 am on wednesday to get the uhaul truck so i can pack all my stuff and move. To accomplish this feat, i knew i was going to need help resetting my sleep cycle, so instead of just riding home on the nearside of the road I crossed it to go into the grocery store and purchase some over the counter sleeping pills. Seems like a fair plan right? I certainly thought so.
     
    So I leave the store, get back on my bike and head back home on the far side of the road. The thing is, it is on this stretch of road between the grocery store and the main street through my neighborhood that there is no light to speak of save that from passing cars. The side walk also bends around these huge power poles. It was as i was coming around such a pole that it happened.
     
    I had about a half a second to realize what was going to happen and just enough time to call out "Oh Shit!" - the same as the other guy did, before the two of us collided. A couple minutes later, both of us a little shocked at our sudden collision and recovering from this most unfortunate surprise, we made our ways back up on to our legs and looked ourselves over. He mentioned his leg had been cut, but be damned if either of us could see to tell how badly. My hand took a bad hit but as i could still bend all my fingers well enough I knew nothing was broken or too out of place. I also had taken a hit to the jaw and now its so sore I can barely open my mouth without pain. My wrist is also very sore. I have applied a cold compress to the swelling/sore areas and hopefully it won't screw me up so bad that i can't start work on saturday after I move. Similarly, I'm hoping like mad that i can still bear to pack all my stuff into the moving truck.
     
    I'd like to point out that this could have all been avoided if that lying witch of a boss my mom has had not lied to her and scheduled her even though she had asked and been approved for having my moving day off, I would be perfectly healthy instead of bleeding from several laceration and it would not be questionable whether I can start work on saturday.
  12. Demetz

    Moving Out

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    For ages now I've wanted to move out but earlier this week I made the decision: I'm going to do it.
     
    Today I got a call back from someone whose ad I had responded to. He's 37, buying a house, and looking for a room mate. The house is a two bedroom, one bathroom home with big beautiful trees in the yard. We've set up a meeting saturday afternoon to meet and look at the place. He also mentioned he might drop by my restaurant friday evening.
     
    Its 500/month with utilities included.... more than i'd like but certainly not too bad.
     
    I'm looking forward to moving out of my parents house, thats for sure. One thing that's cool is he's fine with me having a guest over as long as they're not disrespectful.
  13. Demetz

    insomniac heart

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    You know that feeling you get when you're sleeping alone... and no matter how hard you try, you can't trick your arms into believing the pillow in your arms is who you dream it to be?
     
    Thats the feeling I've got tonight.
     
    Well... thats all i had to say.
  14. Demetz

    Unsteady

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    Ever get the feeling the world or the universe as it were is running against you?
     
    A year ago, I saw myself today being about to start my third semester of graduate school. Where am I instead?
     
    I'm in the smallest room of my parents' house. I have a crappy job that doesn't pay well enough for the bank to approve the loan I need to get a non-crappy car. This means I do not have the option to move out of my parents house. Why is that? Surely I could just get a crappy car without the loan right? Yeah, I could do that. But then I wouldn't have the money to move anyway. Not exactly a great trade off. My education? Seems to be on permanent hold. Never finished undergrad, that one stinking class I need is full and I may well end up not being able to take it this semester either.
     
    Course Correction time?
     
    I'm looking for a second job, hopefully that will result in enough proof of income to satisfy the bank. Of course, after I get the loan I'll almost certainly ditch that job immediately. Or keep it. Who knows? Maybe I'll actually like working 65 hours a week. I spent my childhood and teen years thinking/acting like I was an adult, I may as well spend my young adult years working like a dog at a rate to look like I'm 50 by the time I'm 30.
     
    Time well spent, right?
     
    Oh wait. That's right. No one to spend it with anyway.
     
    Options?
     
    All potentials live hundreds of miles away and/or are already smoking themselves to death. Maybe I'm just greedy but I'd like to have that extra couple decades with my partner.
     
    Wait a minute, thats right I'm planning to work myself into an early grave anyway, so no biggie if my non-existant partner keels over a decade or two early. I'll be right there next to him ready to rest in pieces. Like our non-existent relationship because I'll have worked away all the hours I could have been spending with him.
     
    Alternatives?
     
    Try to grab ahold of one of those potentials and push real fricken hard to make a relationship work. In fact I'd been thinking about doing just that. Allowing certain emotional attatchments to form up.... Then comes along a mind bogglingly big issue which in spite of all else would be a deal breaker.
     
    Choices? Uncertain.
     
    .
     
    .
     
    .
     
    Happiness? Species rare. Origins unknown. Prior theories concerning its acquisition and sustainability proven unsound.
     
    Recourse? The stoic: acceptable short term alternative to happiness - becomes unstable when utilitized for long periods of time.
     
    Long term solutions? Data not available at this time.
  15. Demetz

    Remix

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    So yesterday I get a call from Jeremy, apologizing again and wanting to hang out because he's bored and doesn't really have much to do. What a coincidence, I'm generally bored with nothing to do too. So, I agree to hang out and when he gives me a call after work I suggest we play a game of Axis and Allies - an exceedingly complex board game that can go on for hours and hours. I also suggest he ask Aaron to come over and play as well...
     
    It seems that between talking to Jeremy that afternoon and getting off from work, Aaron found out from somebody else that Jeremy was going to be hanging out with me and left an "I hope he makes you happy" note for Jeremy. This is an excellent face-palm moment. I have no intentions on Jeremy. Jeremy has not appeared to have any intentions on me. Last night was not about some kind of revenge-**** - it was about getting some social time and having some perfectly platonic fun. So at this point I insist he offer Aaron to come as well in an effort to avoid the pointless drama that comes from suspiciousness. Jeremy gave me a call before he headed over -he said Aaron was too tired to come so he'd be over on his own. I'm cool with that - if Aaron doesn't want to come Aaron doesn't have to.
     
    Jeremy and I have a pleasant night playing the game. A statistical miracle of the dice result in dooming the game to go on for many many rounds when Germany (me) failed to wipe out Russia for a quick win. We play a total of two rounds (this is a very, very long game) and we talk a bit.
     
    He seems to be ready to dump Aaron and move on with his life, but I can see and understand that he really loved Aaron and the whole thing has hurt him greatly. I tell him as far as I'm can tell - Aaron doesn't have a clue what he wants and until Aaron can figure that out and stick to it there's nothing Jeremy or I or any one else is going to be able to do for him.
     
    Frankly given the way Aaron has handled things I don't think I'd ever consider a relationship with him again. I might consider a friendship, but I don't think he and I really have all that much in common. Jeremy and I at least have this much in common: we like strategy based board games. We got through two rounds last night and who knows how many we'll get through the next time he comes over.
  16. Demetz
    Okay, So I've been had.
     
    I don't know what to think/believe when it comes to the veracity of Aaron's claims. I do know that I don't trust him. Amusingly enough I actually put more weight in the word of his possessive-obsessive ex at this point.
     
    It seems that Aaron had told him he would try to work things out with him. Hence the shock when he peaked through the window and saw Aaron jacking me off. Hence the emotional outburst a few minutes later. Hence the call I received from Jeremy a little bit ago asking me what's going on between me and Aaron and what Aaron's told me about what's going on between the two of them. A half hour later I got a call from Aaron "I'm sorry. I'm going to try to work things out with Jeremy. I didn't mean to send you any signals"
     
    To which I respond rather indignantly, unsubtly and probably none too pleasantly "Are you serious, you were giving me head the first night you were with me and you don't think that was a signal?"
     
    Seriously, this is the guy gave me his number, wanted to meet, wanted to get over his possessive ex etc. He told me he was over his ex, wanted to get away from him but had nowhere else to go, etc. Was making out with me in the back seat of his car on the first "date" and in the course of that started giving me oral - The same guy who, just last night, with his apparent non-ex showering in the next room, was all over me, reached into my pants and started jacking me off and got caught when his ex peaked through the window.
     
    Tonight though, he's going to work it out.
     
    They're both idiots. Jeremy should leave Aaron because at this point I'd say what Aaron was doing with me could be considered cheating. As for Aaron - whatever Jeremy's normal character is, since all I've heard about him is purely second-hand information... well frankly I don't have anything positive to say about Aaron at all right now.
     
    He wants to be friends with me. It will surprise me if he's got the balls to actually call tomorrow like he says he will.
     
    I sent a text message: Aaron, I apologize for my reaction, do what you need to do. When your heart is free perhaps then we can explore the possibility of a relationship. I will not be an affair.
     
    That last line is really for both of them (they share a phone and frankly I hope Jeremy reads it). I will not do anything physical at all with Aaron until I witness him telling Jeremy that its over. I don't know what (if anything) I'll be open to having with Aaron even if that does happen because frankly, Aaron has lied to Jeremy and cheated on him while he was one room away, and Aaron has definitely lied to me. That rather makes for an ill omen on any potential for a relationship.
  17. Demetz

    Unentrenching

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    A thunderous excursion at criminal velocity,
     
    Prompted by tormentuous raging pychopathy,
     
    Preceded all preference for bodily safety,
     
    For no latch remained locked within his fragile psyche...
     
     
     
     
     
     
    Crash.
  18. Demetz

    Friction Sex?

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    This is what Aaron asked of me last night..... essentially, lubing him up, lubing up my stomach, and then laying on me and sliding back and forth........ one problem though: I'm pretty hairy and that's not so comfortable.
     
    Anyway... this guy moved very fast and I think I've figured out why. His ex is also his roomate and apparently his ex's car is also his primary means of transportation. His ex is apparently extraordinarily controlling and a bit of a drama queen. The ex actually wanted to come with him for our "date" last night... which is not something that would be good for either of them. Aaron says he wants nothing to do with ex-Jeremy, Jeremy apparently still wants everything to do with Aaron... Aaron needs to get away and Jeremy needs to get over it.
     
    This seems to be where I start playing into this. I'm (apparently) to be Aaron's bounce back boy and I'm providing Aaron with a semblance of the comfort he desires. He's damn sure not ready to pursue a serious relationship with me, but does need to break free of the one he was in and I'm his ride out. If some intimate time in my caring arms helps Aaron to feel better, I'm okay with that.... but I do think he's moving way too fast with the sexual end of things. Of course... one of the side effects of getting needed tender comfort tends to be an elevation in sexual desire.... I'd just like to take the time to just hold each other for a while... I got a bit of a taste of that during a short-movie but I'm looking for more time than that.... which I think I could get if we could actually sleep together, but my parents are adamantly opposed to that going on in their house.
     
    Actually, I'm pretty sure what I'm most looking for, that intimate connection where you can be happy just to hold each other for hours at a time, can only be arrived at after a strong bond has already been formed. I suppose such a bond could still be formed between he and I, but I have a feeling he's more looking for a bit of respite from the dram his ex brings him and since we're both more top-oriented we may not be especially sexually compatible anyway.
     
    As for me... even if this may not be a long term thing, its nice to spend some intimate time with another guy again, even if its not that deeper intimacy I'm really looking for.
  19. Demetz

    A new guy, Aaron

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    A few days ago I was at work and this cute guy sitting at the counter gave me his number, last night (my first night off) I gave him a call and he came over... we went to a little park and hung out for a bit, then headed back to my place and had a couple drinks. As I was walking to his car we kissed...
     
    I was taken a bit by surprise at his kissing style. How to describe it.... well, it was a lot more... aggressive than what I was used to, and quite a bit, um.... sloppier. But, as we continued the more "sloppy" aspect of the kiss turned into neck kissing, which just drove up the intensity level immensely. We ended up in the back seat of his car, where the making out continued... eventually he asked if he could unbutton my pants "May I...?" .... like I could say no in a situation like that!? He surprised me again when he started giving me oral... I hadn't quite expected that and I was a little uncomfortable since neither of us had been tested and we barely knew each other, but I still reciprocated when he asked....
     
    The boy was delightful... I'm looking forward to having a chance to cuddle up with him and watch a movie or something. I'm sure we'll end up doing more than cuddling... but still, it was awesome being able to hold him in my arms, even if it was only for a short while.
  20. Demetz

    2 years old

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    Its been a little over 2 years since I came out to myself. I hardly even remember what it was like thinking I was anything other than gay. My rebirth as a gay man 2 years ago resulted in a great deal of personal growth and changes, many good but the occasional one a bit more painful to go through.... life before being openly gay is now more of a distant memory, almost as though it happened to somebody else.
     
    In some senses, it did happen to someone else. The me before I came out was radically different, consumed by a stoic quest to survive. What I was surviving for or why I didn't know. Physically relieving myself of the scientific definition of life was never within my interest, but I freely say that at that time in my life, I was not living. I had no joy. I really didn't have much in the way of sorrow either. I did have my struggle though, to remain stoic in the face of misery. Over time though, enduring that misery ceased to be my main concern, and ending it mattered more. There were three aspects to finding a way about ending that misery. The first was spiritual in nature... I struggled with the age old conundrum of religion and all its blather vs science and logic and its cold explanation of the meaning of life being to reproduce and wink out of existence. Adopting Islam was one rocky road and eventually the areas where I was reinterpreting Islam to suit me because the more official form of Islam seemed like blather just made adherence to the religion pointless. That occupied my time for about 2 years, and while it was an interesting little foray into the religious, I'm well and glad to have it behind me.
     
    There were two very personal problems that Islam could not solve for me. First, it couldn't make me not-gay. Second, it couldn't take away the haunting from my past. It was two years ago this month that I finally did find a means of dealing with these problems. In dealing with being gay... I came out to myself, joined this site and the community, and met my first boyfriend. It was through him that I was able to deal with the events from my past with haunted me, and for that I will be forever grateful to him. Even if we didn't end up together forever, I owe him a huge debt of gratitude for the way he helped me.
     
    The differences in my personality from before this time two years ago and where I am now are substantial. I'm much more at ease socially. I no longer seem or feel dark and brooding. I have the capacity to be happy! I can feel more than being miserable. Coming out is in all honesty one of the best things that ever happened to me. I'm glad I did it, and can't imagine ever living my life otherwise.
     
    Cheers to two more gay years!
  21. Demetz

    I hate banks

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    Okay, so I go to get a brand new car.... new for me anyway; Its a Red 2002 Chrysler Sebring 4 door sedan with only 29,000 miles on it... leather interior, brand new tires... suffice it to say, this car is awesome.
     
    Thing is, it would cost me about 10,000 between cost of the car itself, taxes, tags and other nonsense. Well, thats what my credit union is there for, right? WRONG. At first they tell me they can only do 9,000 so we work it out with the dealer so that i can have 45 days to come up with the extra thousand. Then they demand to see my paystub.... and the only one i had was from several weeks ago when I was new and not making much... so the bank calls me back and says they can only finance 7,000 of the car. There is no way I can come up with 3,000 in 45 days, so that was the end of that. It was annoying, but i can sorta understand why they did it.
     
    What really pissed me off was when I called wachovia who denied me for the loan based not on my income per se, but based upon a number they pulled out of their ass called my debt to income ratio, which they claim is at 63%. How do they get to 63% ? By pretending I have more debt than I do. I paid off two of my credit cards and the other two are at around half the limit and they calculated as though I had my credit cards maxed out. Whats more, they counted my student computer loan as though it was on a credit card instead of an installment account, which they aren't supposed to do.
     
    Thank you wachovia and you can go screw yourselves, you've lost my business for... ever.
     
    See, I don't hold grudges often, but I do hold them against places that I believe treated me unfairly.
     
    In other financial news, I'm making somewhere over 300 a week with my tips. I could today pay off all my credit cards, and in two weeks pay off half my student computer loan. Which I intend to do. I won't forget that USF Federal Credit Union denied me for a loan when I have a clear history of paying them on time and more than what they ask for... I'll step it up a notch and deprive them of the interest they would have gotten. Instead of making the last payment on the loan in December of this year as I'd planned, which would earn them some hundred dollars additional interest, I'll be making it in August, and paying the substantial portion of the loan at the end of this month.
     
    I've been checking through my credit report, and apparently if i just make payments on time for the next 3 months (there is no missed payment on my record) then I'll get a 28 point boost because of that. Its also estimated that paying off my cards will mean another 20 point boost. I'd really rather not wait 3 months to get my damned car though
  22. Demetz

    days of... huh?

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    Okay, so monday, i go out with my friend and her fiance. We saw vantage point.... I loved it. President Ashton... has a nice ring to it, lol.
     
    After the movie we went to dinner at Chilis.... I love their Nachos and they have this tasty fruity drink that goes 2 for 1.
     
    After dinner we went driving... didn't really care where we were going... drove all the way to the end of university parkway, then turned around and went the other direction towards the airport. It was during this time that I amused myself poking my friend in the side and making her squeak. In turn, she made a game out of attempting and failling to grab me by the crotch. We were headed to the airfield on the idea that we could watch the planes come in late at night... we looked around and saw the coppers all about and decided maybe this was not a good place to be.
     
    Eventually we ended up parked in the back of a Publix parking lot. Thats where the windows started getting foggy.
     
    You see, my friend liked the idea of seeing her fiance with another guy. Well its been a while, so I figured... why not? I was in the back seat while she was... erhm... playing with him... I started by just rubbing his shoulders and eventually she told him to join me in the back seat... it was there I made my fatal error.
     
    You see, earlier in the night his nose had been running a bit. I, like my friend, assumed it was from allergies... but when I siezed his lips, I unknowingly siezed his cold!
     
    The next day was okay, but the day after i woke up with a sore throat. I thought nothing of it really, but by the end of work that day I was at a whisper - not good since I work as a server in a restaurant. It was later that night it suddenly occurred to me that I contracted this sore throat only a couple days after being "with" my friend's fiance. I soon remembered that many stds can infect any mucus membrane they come into contact with... The thought that my friend's fiance could have just given my throat gonorrhea was not pleasant at all!
     
    I stayed up as late as I could that night. I had asked Dwayne to send me some pictures of Alex, and to call me afterward. He told me he'd be on sometime after 12:30 and would call after sending the pictures... I only managed to stay up till 1:05 before rolling over and passing out. I found out the next morning he came online only 3 minutes later. It was that morning I had to be up early to get to the doctor's office before too much of a line formed. Well it turned out that morning was special and the doctor's office didn't actually open for 3 and a half hours after their normal working hours. A little after 1 I finally saw a doctor... who promptly informed me that despite my very sore throat I was not sick enough to merit treatment and that it was probably viral and the fact that it came shortly after giving oral was probably just a coincidence. I received no treatment, not even a prescription... instead she told me to buy some over the counter claritin or zyrtec to take care of my sinuses. They don't work by the way
     
    So I managed to end up missing several days of work... I look like hell and sound like it too. I do feel a bit better now, but I can't work as a server if I appear sickly-like.
     
    If anything, this whole experience should serve as a sign that borrowing another person's significant other, even when asked to do so, is not a good idea. I caught a cold this time around. I'd rather not catch anything worse
     
    Oh, and I wrote a bit for Liberty Island, and a few pages of Nathan and David part 2. I haven't really decided posting order, but I think I'll keep writing on everything, and post only for one story at a time, and the occasional teaser so you have some idea of what I'm working on. That way, new postings will come more regularly than they have as time goes on.
  23. Demetz

    Old wounds mostly healed

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    http://www.gayauthors.org/efiction/viewsto...&chapter=11
     
    I wrote this several months ago, but at that time I could not quite bring myself to actually post it among the other poems I have written for Silven... however, as time has passed, and much of the pain has eased, I think it may be suitable after all. Its not the happiest poem, it certainly took a lot out of me, though at that time it was more reflecting pain already present... even in pain though, and perhaps its just the survivalist in me, I still chose even then to end it with some words of hope, even if at the time they felt very hollow. Although I'm not yet really ready to commit myself fully to another person, I can at least see that I will be, when the time comes. From an artistic point of view, in depicting the way relationships that start out strong can sometimes fall... I think this may be one of my "best" poems to date.
  24. Demetz

    Hiatus.

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    Addendum
     
    I find myself falling more and more into an emotional wreck. When that happens, I'm going to go offline so as not to do/say things to push people away.
  25. Demetz

    Letting go of old loves

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    There is something that must be done before one can move on from a broken up relationship, and that is to let go. It has bothered me that now more than a month after Dwayne and I broke up, I still think about him everyday... still play through conversations in my head... I need to stop that, but to do so, I needed to understand why I was still doing it. What I came up with as an answer is that although the relationship was broken up, I was still holding on to something... it wasn't hope of getting back together... after a point, it wasn't even that things could have been different and him and me make it together. What I was holding onto, and needed to let go of, was anger and resentment. Examining the things which made me angry and resentful... taking the time to consider what happened as objectively as I could, I can see no reason to hold onto that anger. There is a different way to look at things, and that is to take the good times, the happy times and value them for what they were, not for what they could not be. In doing this, I think I can move on. There was something left though, something I felt I had to do...
     
     
    With that, hopefully I will finally find peace.
×
×
  • Create New...