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Demetz

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  1. Demetz

    A Mach 3 Bath

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    I Have to say that a person can never fully comprehend the sheer amount of surface area there is to the human body... until they attempt to shave it. I just spent three hours in the tub and went through three razors... and I'm still not finished. Got m upper arms, shoulders, chest, stomach, what I could reach on my butt, and my my legs north of my knees. On the agenda tomorrow: what I can reach of my back and my lower legs. Day three comes the touch ups and hopefully day four onward will just be maintenance.
     
    There are some interesting things you notice when spending so long shaving in the tub....
    1) After I had shaved the upper portion of my chest the tub had filled up enough that I slipped down into it and since the water was as yet not too clouded by the run off from shaving gel, it was very cool seeing the contrast between the shaved area and the the hair lower on my stomach. Shaving these parts under the water, I could see the hair fly up before the razor... watching this was a very interesting experience, taking the time to take it all in. I watched this thing that is my body in the same way as I gaze at the incredible skylines I'm so often privileged to see. I also thought the same word of description that I use with those scenes, beautiful.
     
    I know this sounds ridiculous and to the passing observer it would seem like no big deal, but I was watching myself in a way I haven't before. It felt good. I feel good about myself physically. That is something I didn't feel much when growing up, in fact, I didn't feel good about the way I looked ... ever, really from childhood on up through mid teens. As a late teen I felt better, but this is really the first time I've looked at my nude form and thought good about myself.
     
    2) Shaving the hair off really does show off the muscle. Damn I'm sexy!
     
    3) I knew this before, but there's nothing quite like shaving to make it absolutely clear, legs are BIG! It took me longer to do just the upper part of each leg than it did to do my upper arms, shoulders, chest, and stomach. Was also interesting contoring my figure to see the back of my thighs so I could do a better job and... for the first time I layed there admiring my own curves.
     
    For most of this, I have Silven to thank, I would never feel so good about myself... emotionally, physically, totally... if not for his love. I love you Silven ... was so difficult when I got up and looked in the mirror not to yell for my brother to get the camera...
     
    Well.. I suppose it isn't fair to say this much and not give you a picture of what I looked like before... So ask Silven! He'll know which one I'm talking about
  2. Demetz

    Dad Chat Part 2

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    So a couple days ago I was talking to my dad and the conversation led to him asking me if I'd ever been molested or raped. I froze for a second and looked down, my head in my hand. There's no saying "no" after that happens. So after a second I looked up at him, then away, closed my eyes and nodded.
     
    I have to give my dad a lot of credit for how he handled the rest of that conversation. I suppose I should have known he would not freak out. There were questions, of course, as there had to be. Who did it, when... I told him what I knew, what time references I could remember. He asked if there were others, "adults?" and mentioned a couple. I told him there were no others as far as I know, remembering the words and relating them to him "There are only two ways to answer when asked if you were you molested/raped as a child: 'yes' and 'I don't know'" He said he wished I had said something earlier. In a way, I wish I had too. I denied myself his support, the support of anyone until just over a month and a half ago. I was just about to type "I don't know yet rather I regret that aspect of the decision though, I still think I did the right thing by protecting my family" but that's not true. I do regret the decision to keep it inside because resulted in my being less a part of the very family I was trying to protect. I said there were other boys, around my age, that what happened with them was just innocent exploration. He asked if I was sure that it wasn't innocent with that first boy, given that he was young too.
     
    Now, some explanation of that question, his time referencing was a bit 'off' too. When I told him who it was he knew who I was talking about, but it was at least fifteen years ago, and he was in the Navy and gone a lot, so he would have only seen the kid a couple times. He said the kid had been baby-sat by mom a couple years... I had only remembered a couple times which up until he said that I assumed had gone over the course of a month, though I'm starting to remember more, even as I'm writing this the memories are surfacing up from around thos events... one of sitting on the floor and being told the boy was coming back and not being too happy about it, what happened hadn't happened at that time, but I distinctly remember thinking the guy was a jerk for being mean to me and wishing he wasn't coming back. You see it wasn't a year-round thing, it was over the summer.... remembering more now, parents talking about him and his sister coming for the summer...
     
    Anyway, I think Dad had a mental image of the boy from when he was younger than when what happened to me happened. But as I related to him what I had for time referencing, knowing I would have had to have been five or four... pretty sure now that I was only four since I don't remember the boy who later became my best friend having moved in at that time... So yeah... it happened before I had even been enrolled in kindergarden, and I remember on the way to being enrolled, mom said that he'd already graduated from the school I'd be going to. That puts him in middle school when he did what he did. Elementary school lasted through 6th grade at the time... that places him at around twelve or thirteen when it happened.
     
    Someone at that age does not innocently have sex with a four year old, something we (dad and I) both agreed on. He [the boy] took full advantage of the fact that I was too young to understand, full advantage of the fact that at that age a little kid would do just about anything to make a big kid pleased with him. Not so sure about this next one, but I'm pretty sure he also took full advantage of the fact that I knew he could beat the crap out of me if he wanted to. He wasn't violent that I recall... in fact, when it happened I remember thinking something to the effect of "wow, he's being nice to me, I think I like him after all..." ... I could not have more badly mistaken what was going on.
     
    And of course Dad asked if maybe it was this event that happened then that made me attracted to guys now. While I can't say for certain what the answer is, I did tell him my thoughts on that, about how I'm fairly sure its what's actually held me back from accepting that I'm attracted to guys.
     
    We talked some more about my attraction to other guys... he doesn't "understand" it per se, doesn't see what could be at all attractive about it. I guess that's a good thing considering if he could understand in terms of being able to relate to it that probably would cause problems with his relationship with my mom.
     
    He suggests that I go out and have sex with women to be sure >_<
     
    I love Silven though, and to have sex with some woman just to find out what it feels like... I don't think I really care for the idea. On one hand I'm kind of curious, but I'm completely devoted to Silven. He's the one I want and even if it were just "meaningless" sex to find out what it feels like, I would feel wrong because Silven is the one I want. I couldn't explain that to him... not ready to tell him about Silven yet, not until Silven has moved to Florida and we've known each other in person for a while.
     
    Dad wasn't the only one with questions once we got to this part of the conversation. It was hard to preface things with hypotheticals, but I did. I asked "if I turn out to be with a guy, will that be a problem for you?" His answer remained "I'd rather see you with a woman, but its your decision, we're not going to throw you out or anything" he took it one step further and answered a question I had before I'd even asked it "and YES you can bring him over for Christmas!"
     
    I love my Dad.
     
    Edit, need to add some more here:
     
    I did a lot of cutting my family out of my life when I was growing up. Talking to my dad like I have over the last couple weeks... I know I wasn't much of a son while I was growing up and I can't go back and be his son as a child, in effect, I took my childhood from more than myself, I took it from him too. After this talk... I'm going to try to make things right between him and me. I can't be his son as a kid again, but I can be his son as an adult. So... I'm going to have more talks with him about me, let him get to know me better as an adult... can't possibly say everything that needs to be said in one talk, but I will be talking to him more.
  3. Demetz
    I spent a lot of my life hiding from myself, in more ways than one. Psychologists say that the mind and body each develop certain defense mechanisms to make it through the stresses in our lives. As with all things with me, this is rather complicated.
     
    It seems as though the defense mechanisms I developed were in place for so long that I fear now they have grown to become and are more a part of me than what they were defending. I don't understand the how and why of it, my only explanation is that they were in place so long that "real" me ended up shoved so far deep inside that there are now several aspects of me, each with a different take on a given situation, arguing with each other over what is right, what is the right thing to do, what I've felt, rather or not I should have felt it, and even rather I had any right to feel it. None of them are distinct entities, I'm not cracking up into multiple personalities, but one thing is certain - I'm not nearly in as good emotional shape as I thought I was. There's part of me that wants to jump in, embrace the good fortune that I have found over the course of the past month, but there's also the part that says "hold on there, Demetz, you're setting yourself up to get hurt, and this is what you need to do to stop that from happening..." I've listened to that part of me for so long, and while its often kept me from getting hurt, its also kept me from being happy....
     
    Don't get let yourself get emotionally involved, don't let yourself get attached, that's how you keep yourself from getting hurt.... You're getting too close, back away; push them away if you have to, that's what will be best for them and for you because if you get too close they'll be hurt too, so back away.
     
    These thoughts have gone through my head in every romantic relationship I've had, and every relationship I've even thought of having. But while it kept me from getting hurt in one way, I've ended up hurting myself in the long run, much more than any one break up could have lead to. I wouldn't let myself close enough to someone to chance feeling sad in or about the relationship - this had the side effect of me not getting close enough to really be happy in one either. That's something I'm trying to change.
     
    There is another part of me too, different from the defensive part, different from the part of me that longs for happiness. A part that sometimes wants to just cry. More than any of the others... that is the part of me I know the least about, and hate the most in myself.
     
    The thing about feeling is, as should be self-evident, you just do it. Letting myself feel again... Its different. The stoic will is something I kept up, not even knowing why, really, for so long. Having a reason why is different. But I find in having a reason to want life... I don't want to carry over the stoic mentality to it. Its not an unwanted burden to struggle through... its life, and what problems come with it I want to meet head on instead of pretending they don't exist.
     
    The emotional mess I effectively hid from myself, and probably still am to a certain extent... was dealt with on a daily basis in several ways, which over the years became so familiar that they became... normal. A constant feeling of stoically carrying on in spite of all the crap is one of those defense mechanisms. Its one I want to get rid of. The problems and the joys that are in my life and coming into my life, I want to embrace them, not categorize them as I have so much else - as just more burdens to wade through.
     
    There is a lot of happiness from my relationship with Silven, but there is also a lot of stress. Much of it comes from me, worrying about the future... something I haven't ever done much of before because I never really expected to have much of a future. No... no, thats wrong. I expected to have a future, I just didn't care because I expected it to be much the same as the past. My future now is something I never expected, both in terms of what's possible to be in it, and the fact that I really do care, really have an emotional investment in it.
     
    I worry a lot about that future. Much of my worry stems from my fears about our child and the possibility that Heidi will attempt to keep it from us. I want to raise this baby with Silven. It is sooner than I expected it to happen, but I do want this child... our child. I know it would be difficult, figuring out how to raise the child here, but I love Silven, and raising a baby with him isn't something I fear, but something I cherish the thought of. What I do fear, however, is what will happen if we, or he, does not get custody. If Heidi insists on keeping the baby for herself, and then the courts side with her and she ends up keeping the baby that way... I'm afraid for the baby, how it will be raised, torn between its mother and two fathers. I'm also afraid for me and Silven. I don't want Silven to have to choose between living with me or living with his baby, but with me going to USF for the next two years and Heidi being in PA, if she gets the baby, that's where it would be, and that's where I think Silven should be, too.
     
    If it came down to it... I would rather he choose to live with the baby than with me. I would still do whatever I could to be in his life, and whatever I could to be a positive influence on the baby... I would move there when I finished my degree... but the two year gap during that time, and all that could happen up there, or down here... I fear we'd grow apart, and that when I did move up there I'd end up being a destructive force in all our lives. I don't know that it would happen like that... don't even know yet that it will happen at all, but I fear it.
     
    A good friend told me last night that I'm worrying too much, that I can't do anything about these problems right now and should just let myself be happy, dealing wth the problems when they actually come instead of trying to deal with problems now that may not even come up at all. At the time I told him that the problems would come up eventually, and I wanted to be emotionally prepared for them when they did, that to do that I had to go through this. He's right, though. Its a cross that bridge when you get there situation... Its just hard, when you can see the bridge coming and don't know what's on the other side.
     
    All I can do, for now, is hope that she decides to give us the child no matter how much I fear she won't and what will happen if she doesn't... I have to push that fear aside and grab on to the hope. The fear will still be there, but I will do my best not to dwell in it. Neither will I let myself fall back into the stoic's mentality. I won't let myself treat this new relationship... this new life, like I treated the old one. I will let myself feel, the good and the bad, and I will live this life without shoving it all away.
     
    That's enough introspection for one entry... thanks for reading, friends... I'm sorry this is as disorganized as it is, and hope it wasn't too hard to follow.
  4. Demetz

    Feeling a bit better today

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    As always seems to happen with me, when I get to feeling bad I can feel good again by sleeping it off.
     
    In other news... pics of me seem to have come into popular demand, so here's a good one... of me sliding off the face of the planet. Enjoy!
     

  5. Demetz

    Losing my head

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    This entry gets rather personal and it covers less than cheery subject matter. I wrote this last night, feeling as miserable as could be...
     
    I am losing my god damned head tonight. It didn
  6. Demetz

    Church; Poem

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    Last night at around midnight my mom knocked on my door and asked me to go to church with her, saying I should get some sleep so I could wake up early enough if I wanted to go. I am not a very religious person, and there are things about Christianity that will probably keep me from ever becoming a devout Christian, and while I really would rather not have gone, she didn't ask me as a matter of normal routine. My mom is not exactly the most religious person either; she goes to church when she needs it, and I know she feels uncomfortable going alone. So, I put aside my own lack of comfort with a church setting and today I went with her. I know what its like needing a spiritual outlet, and if my being there helps her, then I can stoically stick it out. That's what I tell myself anyway.
     
    In truth I don't really mind the bible study portion of church. I haven't really grown up in a strongly Christian house, and my knowledge of the Bible is sorely lacking. There are those who say that the Bible is simply fiction and not worth studying... rather it is fictitious or not I'm always up for an intellectual analysis of philosophy and the Bible is packed with it. Of course, my "its debatable" approach doesn't always go over well with those who believe it to be God's word in printed paper form.
     
    Its interesting how you can learn things from people's facial expressions. The Bible study session focused on honesty and being honest with other people about who we are, what sorts of problems we struggle with and so forth. It was general consensus that pride and an unwillingness to take the risk of exposing oneself, becoming vulnerable to other people when we could far more easily up a facade and live with that. I took the message of that seesion to be that we were supposed to be more open. Brother McDaniel, who led the session, then went on to talk about not making judgements on other people, about how part of why people fear becoming open is the judgments that get passed upon them. As an example he said "Hypothetically, what if I had come in here and told you all that I struggle with pornography? Would you look at me the same? Would you still have as much respect for me?" Looking around I could tell that for many people the answer was no to both. Looking back I can see that I was working on a different level than the ones he was trying to reach out to. Too bad I didn't realize that at the time. I said "I'd have a great deal more respect for you, and feel much more able to open up and talk to you if you could do that." Looking around... the others there did not agree with me. Looking at Brother Mc Daniel, I was pretty sure he was suprised at my response. He asked how many people look at porn, pausing for an answer, I said what I'm sure everyone thought, "everyone does, its universal."
     
    Looking at the other guys I could tell I was right, but they seemed much more guilty or embarrassed about it than me. A copule of girls looked embarrassed, several looked disgusted ... rather or not it was honest disgust I'm not sure. Later on he mentioned that he had bought some software to put on his computers to block internet pornography and things like that but still didn't feel sure about it with his kids. I said he's right, we find ways to get around just about any kind of blocking software there is, the obvious implication being that I've looked at porn, as if they hadn't figured it out already.
     
    All that talk about honesty and being open doesn't seem to work so well with people who have been taught to be ashamed of themselves first and seek help last. Rather or not that gets taught intentionally, it happens. Its like with parents who inadvertantly teach their kids to lie. "Did you steal the cookie" in a tone of voice that tells a child if they say yes they'll be in trouble has the double effect of telling them that if they say no they shouldn't be. Similarly, "This is the way you should act morally" has the effect of adding on "or else you are a bad person" even if that is not taught directly. Combined with the social pressures of "you don't want to be a bad person because bad people go to hell," or in the case of this church which seems less brimstone based "you don't want to be that way because it leaves you further from god" it has the added effect of "and then you won't be part of our group, but an exile with no place with us" As with the child and the cookie, it breeds dishonesty, but while the parent can very quickly identify the lie with the cookie thieving child, in our personal lives there is only ourselves, and we can safely build our walls and be dishonest, with others if not ourselves. So what's the problem? Why can't everyone keep their true selves a secret to the world and deal with each other as though every one were a saint?
     
    The answer is complex and for the purposes of putting my thoughts here its going to be pretty disorganized.
     
    There are a number of problems with a world of this form of dishonesty. Like it or not, we are all human. We all have our problems, our mistakes, and our tragedies. Everyone has a murky past. When we find ourselves in a position where we are expected to keep these things to ourselves, we internalize them in a way that is not healthy. When we live in a world where everyone is expected to believe and behave a certain way and we step outside of that set of approved behavior we isolate ourselves. We draw apart from the community and fall into ourselves, more and more, especially if we do not agree that the behaviors in question are morally wrong. We end up wrapped in ourselves, while still trying to keep up the facade of being up to the same standards we think everyone else is following.
     
    This is not healthy either for the community or the individuals. The walls get built up high and even if they are built exceedingly well, eventually they come crashing down upon their builders. The community in turn is forced to react as though shocked when it happens to someone, but in reality the collapse of one person's walls just weakens everyone else's and people end up in an internal panic. Some patch their's up quick with little difficulty, others scramble to patch irreparable damge, for some that damage is just enough to set off a long decline, for others the collapse of the first person's walls destroys their own. The mess it makes of a community is not good. The hell it puts people through is not good.
     
    There should be enough openess in a community that people can share their problems without having to fear other people's scorn. In terms of a church oriented community, people's first concerns should be getting help and helping others, not what judgments others will have against them. They should be able to let God handle judgment when that time comes and be able let it go at that. Unfortunately, it seems all too often morality is held not a principle of virtues to be striven toward if never fully reached, but as vice on people's hearts or bludgeon in the hands of the less scrupulous so-called moral crusaders.
     
    Enough of that though. I finished writing a story I've been working on. I'll probably take a day or two to tweak it here and there. I also made my first submission to the e-fiction archives. I wrote the poem a few years ago back when I was busy not paying attention in French class, hope you guys like it.
     
    http://www.gayauthors.org/eficiton/viewsto...1cd480c90a84b1e
  7. Demetz

    First time blogger here

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    This is my first entry here (as though you couldn't tell). Basically I intend to use this space as somewhat of a journal, so I guess I'll start with what's happened since I woke up today.
     
    Had breakfast with the family today for the first time in a long time. That's when they sprung a surprise family BBQ party on me for today, which meant lots of cleaning up to do. I vaccumed out the pool and cleaned out the pool filter (I can't believe how quickly that thing gets clogged up!). The chlorine is still pretty high from a couple days ago, but other than wait there's really not much I can do about that. When I finished off the pool I started on my next project, not really relevant to the BBQ, but definitely something that needed to be done, I pulled out the ion air filters for our Air conditioning unit to clean them out. For those of you who don't know what that means, it involves removing two heavy, metal, cells ~ 2' x 3' and dipping them up and down over and over again in scalding hot water, using dish soap to get them clean. The insides of things are filled with flat sheets of metal and thin wires that get charged up and pull dust out of the air system when on, but for cleaning purposes they might as well be filled with row after row of razor blades so you have to really careful when carring them around. I've done it a couple times before, so no cuts for me this time around.
     
    About the time I finished cleaning and rinsing those, Mom came back from shopping... with all the wrong stuff. After about ten minutes of arguing we finally settled on going back out to get the stuff we needed. Our family... we argue about things that don't need to be argued about instead of explaining what it is that is really the problem. For example, bringing home the wrong things is easy enough to fix by going out and getting the right stuff.
     
    I did something pretty out of charcter for me, and actually told my dad what I was thinking about this. That got him to explain what really bothered him, he wanted this party to be like the ones he had when he was a kid which meant getting the same stuff he had as a kid, and had told her as much. When she brought home other things instead of going to a different store to get what he wanted he felt like she was just dismissing him. For her part, she didn't see what the big deal was. But after they talked a bit on the way to the store she figured it out and apologized.
     
    I can say this much for my family and my parents, we don't always communicate very well, but we don't stay angry for long. I'm very lucky to have them. In spite of all the arguments they've had over the years my father never once lifted a hand to my mom, and they're still together after more than twenty years of marriage... something of an anomaly both to the country and to our extended family.
     
    I got a chance to talk to another Muslim apostate today. I suppose I should explain what I mean by that first. I converted to Islam in the summer of 2004. I had read much of the Qur'an and was surprised at just how many principles I shared with Islam. I had spent about a year defending Islam from those who attacked it, eventually I asked myself, "you keep defending this religion as fervently as though it were your own, what's stopping you?"
     
    Right now you're probably thinking "Duh, we're at war with people who kill we Americans as part of their religious duties." It was in studying Islam that I came to understand those people are not following their religion at all, but using it as a tool to their own political ends. The Qur'an is the highest religious authority in Islam, and within it is something I had never expected to find as part of any religion. 2:256 There shall be no compulsion in religion. It through me quite a bit off balance when I first read that. Like most Americans I knew almost nothing about Islam. What I did know of Islamic history was limited to its military expansion (of course none of the textbooks seemed to find it important to explain what brought about each of the wars of expansion, but that's a rant for another time). To see, right there in the most Holy text of Islam words announcing religious freedom where I though no religion could ever do such a thing, blew my mind. Reading in other parts where it was stated that people were to be judged not merely on what faith they professed on death, but by their deeds in life regardless of which religion they followed sealed it for me: Islam was a different kind of religion. Those who used it to justify murder were ignorant themselves or playing on the ignorance of others. This is what I once wholeheartedly believed.
     
    However, as time went on I began to discover the other side of Islam, the side which is not believed to be the direct word of God, as the Qur'an is considered to be, but is nonetheless allowed by many scholars and religious leaders to supercede what is written in the Qur'an. The hadith. I have not studied the hadith in depth, nor am I likely to at any point in the future. Most of my knowledge of the hadith comes from where I've seen them cited in fatwas (religious edicts issued by Muslim scholars, although in the West they are known more for their use by fundamentalists to issue death warrants). In the hadith it is written that one who changes his religion must be put to death. This was such a departure from what I had read in the Qur'an that I felt certain that this must have come from one of the dubious hadith, that it must have been forged or altered, but according to Islamic standards (they have somewhat of a rating system for which hadith are most authentic) the collection in which that was written was perfectly preserved (something I still dispute, given that it was transmitted orally before written, but I digress). How to explain this incongruity between the Qur'an's declaration of religious freedom and the hadith's cold warrant of death for apostasy? This occupied my mind for some time. I talked with a traditionalist who was fairly familiar with the hadith and scholarly opinoins regarding them. It seems that apostasy is punishable by death, but only under certain circumstances. There must be absolutely no doubt that the person in question has in fact left the religion. There must be absolutely no doubt as to that person's sanity. That person must be offered the chance to return to Islam. If they refuse they must be offered exile. Finally, only a Caliph or a Caliph's representative my order an execution. Moderates and traditionalist scholars would therefore argue that apostasy is not punnishable by death since there is no caliph to issue such an order. This, my traditionalist friend said, means that I shouldn't worry about that.
     
    However, part of Islam and part of believing in Islam is believing that Islam will eventually be the dominant religion in every country of the world. For such a thing to occur a Caliphate would be established. To believe in Islam would be to believe that this should happen. I could not bring myself to believe that the coming to power of a caliph who could (and would be obligated to) order the execution of apostates would be a good thing. It is in fact the opposite of something I believe very deeply, that everyone must have the freedom to explore religions, or not, as they choose. Realizing this was the first major impasse between me and Islam, and is one of the primary reasons why I am not a Muslim today.
     
    The other reason I do no longer consider myself Muslim is that Islam, like the other two Abrahamic faiths, does not look well upon any form of homosexuality. Some Muslims rationalize that this is merely because homosexual acts would be tantamount to adultery, which is an extreme sin to Islam do to the effect adultery has on a family. The Qur'an condemns homosexuality in its several tellings of the story of Lot, however, of the several versions of the story, IIRC, only one mentions the crimes of rape and robbery that are often cited as the real reason for God's vengeance being unleashed. This means that as far as the Qur'an is concerned, the homosexuality alone was enough. I do not, can not, and will not believe that a loving God could be so cold. Although no punishment is prescribed by the Qur'an for homosexuality specifically, and nor do the sayings of the Prophet Muhammad ever mention it, it was decided in the time of the companions of the Prophet (after his death) that homosexuality should be punished with death. This sentiment is common even now throughout much of the Muslim world. Even if I set aside the hadith and focused solely on the Qur'an as a guide, homosexuality is still condemned by Islam, and in such away that even were there no hadith, belief that gays will bring about some form of apocalypse would still become prevalent, and where that happens so will the rejection and persecution. Even setting aside my own sexuality, I have no wish to be a part of a religion that would do that to people who have done nothing wrong.
     
    As of April 25, 2006 I finalized my decision to leave Islam. I felt obligated to inform the small online community I was a part of of my decision and to explain to them why I had made it. Those who knew me there were very kind about it and did not get angry. They were saddened, tried to convince me to change my mind, but it was already made up and was not going to change. Two of those who didn't know me reacted with as much spite and malice as you would expect to come from Bin Laden himself. There was one person who knew me and with whom I had had several major arguments with... he is still somewhat of an enigma to me. He was not spiteful of my leaving, if anything he was probably happy because with me gone there is no longer anyone to challenge him on his more ridiculous viewpoints. I am now greeted by him with "Hi Kuffar," meaning "hi disbeliever," intended to be a slur. I've quit responding to him.
     
    So... where was I before this lovely little tangent? Oh yeah, I got the chance to chat with another apostate today. Unlike me, she was "born" into Islam. She actually left before I joined. It was very hard for her, but living in the United States rather than Afghanistan (where her family is from) has helped her a lot. Her experience with Islam was decidedly more negative than my own. Where I had the luxury of studying and exploring it as I pleased she grew up with it and is not at all fond of that fact. She tells me that she can't believe I ever was a Muslim, that I was too nice and too open minded for that. In a way, she's right, but I hold no ill will toward those who live as Muslims. When they uphold what I consider to be the most important teachings of the Qur'an - to always be courteous of those around you, to never become aggressive, to be willing to consider forgiving those who have wronged you at times, and to be willing to inform others about Islam but never force it on them - those people are good and decent people with whom I hold no quarrel. I hope she recognizes eventually that people who follow Islam are not necessarily always the kind who feel the need to take morality into their own hands and beat other people with it.
     
    Well, that concludes my first entry, hope it wasn't too boring of a read.
  8. Demetz
    Okay, I admit, its been ages sinces I've posted a new chapter of... anything >__<
     
    However, I do have a new chapter of Nathan and David on the way, it just needs a bit of editing to polish it offf... the problem is... If you've talked with me before, you've always heard it referred to as the final part of Nathan and David.
     
    This is no longer the case as I now have some insidious, explosive, boiling hot plans for our boys and their honeymoon.
     
    In any case, be on the lookout for some action from these two soon.
  9. Demetz

    Posessive-Obsessive Exes

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    Last night... what a trip.
     
    I get a call from Aaron who I hadn't heard from in two weeks apologizing about not calling because he'd not had any access to a phone and the bitch of a roomate who does have a phone refused to let him use it.
     
    He says that he and a bunch of friends, including his ex, are going to be meeting at a park to hang out for a while and he invites me to come along. So I do - this is about 10pm.
    By around midnight the other friends have all left and its just me, Jeremy and Aaron. Jeremy seems to have behaved himself through that part of the night so I invited them both over to my place to hang out. Jeremy behaves himself just fine as far as i'm concerned, though I can tell that Aaron is as annoyed as can be that he's there. We go swimming, enjoy the relatively warm water, have what I think is a decent time. After a while Aaron gets cold and wants to get out of the pool, so we do. I offer to let him use my shower so he can experience hot water for the first time in a month (his roomates took the bill money and spent it on other stuff). So Aaron goes off into the shower. Its at this point that Jeremy decides he needs to go to the bathroom and instead of going to the other one that I pointed out to him he goes into the one where Aaron's already taking a shower.
     
    WHY HALLO THAR INVASION OF PRIVACY
    I wish Aaron had locked the door....
     
    Anyway, Jeremy comes back a bit later, mentions that he'd wanted to join Aaron in the shower, at which point I told him that would have been a bad idea in a pretty low tone. Apparently he didn't f**king get it. When Aaron got out of the shower for him to go take one, Aaron and I go to my room and make out for a few minutes till jeremy is done. When he's dressed he knocks on the door, i get up and open it, its obvious aaron and i had been doing something on my bed what with no tv or anything on, For a minute and a half we all manage to play it cool. I ask if they want to stick around and watch a movie or something, Aaron says he's hungry and kinda tired and wants to go home.
     
    I'm fine with that, wish them well, ... and its at this point Jeremy goes into jealous-possessive-ex mode and says
     
    "Well why don't we just have a three-some its obvious you guys were just going at it"
     
    Me:
     
    Aaron:
     
    Me thinks: GTFO of my house!
     
    Me says: Uh, I don't think so
     
    Aaron says: We need to go
     
    Me says: Yep
     
     
    Jeremy heads out the front door, Aaron apologizes for him as he's putting his shoes back on. We moved to kiss and the door opens again jeremy enters and says "I don't mean to impose its just Aaron lied to me" then turns around and heads back to the car.
     
    Impose? Thats an interesting way to say "I'm sorry for presuming you would be willing to f**K me at all, sorry for presuming you would be willing to f**K us both, and sorry for being a general jackass. Most of all I'm sorry for being a complete cock-tard and insisting on hurting myself by refusing to let go of someone who really has no interest in me anymore."
     
    All you morons who haven't figured out that your live-in boyfriend is now your ex: Cut the creepy shit and
     
    Get a life
  10. Demetz

    Finances; Writing

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    So yesterday I got a nasty note from the university wanting me to pay $975 I didn't think I'd have to pay for another couple months... but even so, I should be able to pay that off and be almost completely out of credit card debt by the end of the month. It just means I won't have the cash on hand I thought I'd have to pay down my computer loan. By the end of next month I'll have the cards paid off completely and a hefty amount of cash in hand to buy a car the first week of June... when I'll finally have a full year's credit history and not have to put up with so much whining from the banks about how "risky" I am because they have only 10 or 11 months credit history instead of 12 .
     
    .
    .
    .
     
    In other news I've finally started writing for Webs chapter 3. I want to get as much of it completed in the next couple days (since I have them off) as possible. I'm also taking another look at some law books, one on international law, the other on constitutional law... just trying to keep my memories of such things fresh for when I go back to college in the fall.
  11. Demetz
    Okay, so... after some clearing up by the administration as to what constitutes porn in their eyes, i will soon be posting Nathan and David part 2, not quite on the schedule i had hoped, but probably within a week. Liberty Island will remain behind the scenes and a chapter of Webs should be on its way by some time in the middle weeks of the month. Sorry about all the confusion.
     
    Also, while you're here, I updated the story tracker to give a summary for the month of march. Hopefully at some point I'll figure an easier way to do that than with paint >_<
  12. Demetz

    Changing Plans

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    Okay, first on the agenda today: my job. I'm not especially happy working at the restaurant. If a table comes in and can't figure out what the hell they want until the next table is in too, its like having double-duty. Top that up with having to put together all their salads myself and fetch countless little things for them that don't come with the meal and only some items go through the computer, but most don't so I have to remember when to punch stuff through....
     
    Ugh.
     
    I'm told breakfast is easier.... no salads to fetch, and people don't dick around so much. They come in hungry, know what they want to drink/eat, and want to get out quickly. Really though, I don't think I'd be especially happy with that either.
     
    Also, I love kids, but loathe them as customers. A party of six sounds like *wahoo! the tips'll be rolling in!* until you learn that four of them are kids and will be ordering items at about 3 dollars each. And parents? Give your kids some damned dessert! Yes, they'll be bouncing around in the car, and then probably at home too, but its only fair if you're ordering them meals at half cost to make up for that by letting them feast upon our delicious Reeses Sundae.
     
    Did I mention our hostess is a complete airhead? Beyond utterly sucking at her job, and some of our more... tempestuous servers are known to make her cry, she's also generally a moron. Last night in her perky airhead voice she was all excited about the theater. I told her she should go ahead and get the student membership and how much it would save her. I have a feeling she's one of those people who even though working, has just about everything handed to her.
     
    "I don't go there enough, hehe!"
     
    Idiot.
     
    You know how long it takes to make up the cost of a 20 dollar student membership? It goes like this: she buys the membership for herself, uses the free ticket for her friend and gets 2.75 off her own ticket. That's 10.50 in savings right there. She goes in and gets herself a free popcorn with the coupon that comes with the membership: another 3.50 in savings. Later, she gets the free refill of her popcorn thats only for members... another 3.50 in savings. That's 17.50 in savings her membership has got her in ONE NIGHT. Assuming she didn't buy any drink, she would only ever need to go ONCE in the next YEAR to make up the last 2.50 of the membership cost.
     
    But she doesn't go enough "Hehe!" Idiot.
     
    Anyway... at this point I'm renewing a job search. I plan to stay at the restaurant just long enough for the insurance to kick in, then go to a dentist, which I haven't done in years, and go to the eye doctor so I can get my vision checked and a new set of contacts. I'm down to one contact that works, the other literally causes my eye to bleed... and its just that contact thats the problem, I tried one with a much weaker prescription and my eye handled it fine... the prescription was just too weak. I'm left eye dominant so I still see almost perfectly normally, my peripheral vision on the right side is just a little blurrier. Thing is, peripheral vision is never perfectly clear anyway so I hardly notice any difference at all.
     
    So its looking like I'll be at the restaurant for only another three weeks or so. I'm sending out my resume to a load of places and applying to a bunch of jobs now. Anything full time for 9/hr or greater would result in me bringing in more money anyway.
     
    In other news, my dad finally asked me why he hadn't seen my bachelor's degree yet. Apparently the fact that I hadn't used it in the past three months to get a job had already been enough of a disappointment that it seemed almost a relief to him that I didn't have it yet and that was why I wasn't using it. I assured him I was going to finish the degree, that I was only waiting on the course to be offered again in the fall.
     
    I've also joined the newsletter team. I have it in mind to try to get every new piece in e-fiction reviewed in e-fiction, to help aspiring authors get noticed and spread the word about their stories to those who don't typically use the e-fiction feature on the site. I don't know yet how successful I will be in this endeavour, and I'll probably need some help since a lot of stories do get posted there.
     
    Change of plans with my writing: I had intended to release part 2 of Nathan and David in the first week of April, but its recently come to my attention that porn is not desired at GA. Now to be fair, the definition going here is the writing of a "story" that features nothing but sex. No plot. Just sex. Well, those of you who have read Nathan and David part 1 know full well the explicitness of the sexual content therein. I give backstory yes, and its purpose isn't so much to be a jerk off story (though I don't mind if you do that ) the idea was to show two loving partners and how they sexually interact. Loving Partners being the key terms here that I think set the story apart from the pure XXX variety of porn. Its not sleezy; its not random; its not degrading; ..... but it is sexually explicit and the explicitness of that sexual content may cause some to place this into a pornographic category.
     
    Frankly, I consider it to be more along the lines of art than porn, and those I've talked to about it have agreed, but I'm not sure where the lines are drawn here so I'm not going to post it until after things have calmed down a bit and I've had a chance to talk with one of the site administrators about it.
     
    What does this mean for my readers? Well, it means you'll be getting a deeper look into the world of Liberty Island than you thought you were. I had not planned to release any more chapters of this story until after at least the first part of Webs was posted, but as I don't have Webs chapter 3 ready and Nathan and David are on hold until I can chat with and administrator about it, I'll be releasing Liberty Island chapter One (you may already have seen the prologue), in a couple days. I've already completed the first round of editing on it, so as not to cause my editor's eyes to go X_X ... and once they've got it back to me and I've made the final adjustments, it will be posted with due speed.
  13. Demetz

    New Content Block

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    For my own amusement, I started keeping track of how many new reads and reviews I was getting for each of my stories as well as keeping track of how many new chapters are being put out on a week to week basis... this helps me track how popular stories are in the present, rather than just how many times they have ever been read. My good friend TL The Writing Tiger mentioned that would be an excellent thing to add to a blog... and so I tried to do just that... the thing is, it wouldn't all fit into a custom content block, so I had to cut it down some. Until I can figure out a way to display all the information, for now it shows the stories; how many new chapters they have and how many total; how many new reads they've received over the past week and how many total; and what their average rating is. I'll be updating this on a week to week basis...
  14. Demetz

    A conclusion reached

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    I've made a few philosophical decisions about how I'm going to live my life from now on, based on certain experiences, and grand disappointments that I've had.
     
    First I'd like to say I won't be giving up on love itself, as I'd been pondering doing just yesterday. That's still just not the kind of life I want to live.
     
    What I am doing though, as a matter of preserving my own personal dignity and self-respect, is throwing aside a certain path I was traveling too often. I will no longer be pursuing the wishy-washy. If I and someone want to be together they better be willing to commit to doing so and I will never again be the one making all the sacrifices, emotional or financial. If someone is serious I want to hear more than distant promises, and I want to know that they're serious which means they're willing to discuss making it happen not just leaving it to "um, well maybe." I will not waste my time, or my heart pursuing relationships with those who are not willing to put their hearts on the line too.
     
    So what does all that mean?
     
    Well, concerning my ex, it means that if he decides he wants to be with me, he's going to have to pursue me to get me... I won't spend the next year or more pining for him... I'm not going to put my heart in a time box while waiting for him to decide what he wants to do. We seem to be doing okay as friends, I don't think I'm going to push for any more than that with him... if, someday, he and I get together, it will have to be from him deciding thats what he wants and 'proposing' so to speak that we get together again. My heart may or may not be open to doing so if/when he decides to do that, but he knows there is at least the possibility. Its up to him whether he decides that its worth it.
     
    There is another whom I've felt somewhat spurned by as of late, though I don't really hold it against him, once I push away the emotions that come with disappointment and think about things from his perspective. Similar as with my ex though, if when it is feasible, he wants to pursue a relationship with me... he's going to have to let me know with no uncertainty that that's what he wants to do. He's urged me to pursue relationships with others at least until that feasibility arises. I will(though my prospects are pretty slim ). I won't be doing it out of spite, thought there is some sadness and disappointment in it... Its just ... there's no point in locking my heart in a time box for someone not even sure if he would want to be in a relationship with me. I don't hold that against him, its a perfectly reasonable position for him to take... So is mine.
     
    I got a small surprise last night... Alex contacted me and asked me if I'd put any thought to moving up to Tampa (he's the guy who lives about 50 miles away, too far for him to travel regularly). I told him it would depend a lot on my income between now and the summer, but that it may end up more viable for me to commute instead of move to Tampa if I end up well set living here. I've calculated it out... I need to have a full time job at 10 dollars an hour to afford to live on my own, whether thats in tampa or where I am now. I think I can pull in that much working as a server in a restaurant pretty easily, but finding a job can always be a pain... I'd have to find a job in tampa for at least 10/hr full time before I could move.
  15. Demetz

    Okay, so its been a while...

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    A general update on things....
     
    Gavin and I are friends, and not more. His low sex drive and disinterest in the romantic did not make him a good match for me for a boyfriend... we're still friends though. I actually just got him a job working at the same theater I'm working at.
     
    Oh yeah, I got a job working at a theater. The pay sucks, but I do like the job and the people I work with.
     
    I'm looking at a job elsewhere, if I can go to work as a waiter in a restaurant around here, I think I could bring in around 500 a week in income... which would be enough to pay off most of my credit cards in about two months, then get a car and move out, with nothing but student loans to deal with. That's what my general goal is - pay off my credit cards and move out.
     
    Long range goals are entirely fluid. I could do a lot of things, I've had a few ideas.... after getting my degree I think I'll work as a teacher and go to law school part time. That would mean about 5 years to get a Juris Doctorate and start down a career as a filthy rich lawyer.
     
    Oh, and I started dating again. I met a guy named Alex, online. He's pretty cute, and very affectionate, and seems to have a fair sex drive... which all match up well with me. He says he's looking for a boyfriend and a long term relationship... if he's serious about that then it works well for me. If not then... plenty of other guys to see.
     
    We actually had our first date two nights ago. He met me at my door, I let him inside the house and gave him a short tour... then we went out to a park for a walk and stopped at my favorite place in the neighborhood, next to the lake with a great view of a couple small islands teeming with birds... though they were all hiding that day. We kissed there, made out for a little bit, and sort of cuddled a lot. After that we went back to my house... we got waylayed by my mom and talked to her for a while before going to see the movie "Charlie Wilson's War" at the theater I work at.
     
    It was surprisingly funny, but also rather anticlimactic. It can basically be summed up as "We want money!" ... "Yeah, and?".... "We need it, damn it, just look at the human suffering!" .... "Oh, shit, you really do need it." ... "Hey boss, they need money" ... "lol, no." ... "seriously, they really need it, just look" ... "whoa... okay, here ya go" ... *gets money and arms, shoots down russian aircraft* ... "Russians are leaving, yay! Can we have money to build a school?" ... "lol, no, we done there, let afghanistan handle afghanistan problems" ..... It seemed lacking in much of the way of drama, often more like they ran a storyboard by the audience than a movie.
     
    Anyway, we did like the movie and after it we went for a little walk around the very small shopping area that constitutes the neighborhood's commerce district. Again I played tour guide but not for very long because there really wasn't all that much to see and Alex was getting cold. We got back in his car and he drove me home... I invited him inside. Inside, we made our way to my bedroom and what followed was an increasingly passionate makeout session that ended up with both of us naked before I heard my mom come home... we got dressed, acted like all was 'normal' and we were about to watch a movie on my laptop. After talking with my mom a bit Alex and I went back behind my closed door and picked up where we left off... with things getting more and more steamy... right up until I couldn't find my condoms >_< I wouldn't continue without them, no matter how horny I was, so we settled for non-anal fun and before we were dun, both of us had reached release.
     
    After cleaning up a bit we realized it was getting late and Alex needed to go home, I walked him to his car and kissed him one last time before he left.
     
    Tonight I talked with him a bit and asked if he'd like to go out again tomorrow... he's not sure, because he has to work tomorrow, but we'll see. I don't know whether things will get as steamy as our last date, but I DID find my condoms... precisely where I left them. In fact, the morning after the date, my eyes snapped open as i remembered exactly where they were....
     
    Anyway, enough juicy details for one blog, see y'all later.
  16. Demetz

    Constitution v Law

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    In seeking to find out information concerning the legal status of an immigrant to the united states who marries someone of the same sex in Massachusetts, I came across this section of the US legal code which rather perplexed me....
     
  17. Demetz

    Reflecting on a turbulent past

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    I wrote this poem some time ago, and I'm posting it again now, with some extra stanzas. It tells my story pretty well I think.
     
    I was walking across a rope bridge
    Behind me, my life without you
    Before me, the day I move in with you
    Below me, no rivine, nor rushing stream
    Below me lay a vastly wide river
    Moving warm and slow
    To nowhere I'd rather go
    Than the other side.
     
    You were standing on the other side
    When I saw you disappear,
    And a moment of confusion crossed my mind
    When you returned, axe in hand
    And with one swift movement
    You cut cleanly through the ropey rail
    And I picked up my pace.
     
    You turned to cut through the other rail
    As I shouted "Wait, please, don't!"
    And my balance in our relationship
    Was lost with your next stroke.
     
    Calling on my deepest will,
    I continued forward faster still
    I could not understand why
    You had done what you did
    But I knew I loved you still.
     
    And you ran out to me
    And held my hand
    I thought to guide me across
    It made so little sense
    What you had done
    But your love again I felt
     
    Until once more I was surprised
    As you shoved me over...
    Or at least you tried.
    I clung to that path and pulled myself up
    As you turned back around to view your work
    Again, on the other side.
     
    And still I walked that path.
    Striving ever to be with you again
    You Called out to me
    "What are you waiting for"
    And I steadied myself
    Sensing briefly the love
    I could no longer be sure of
    And Continued along the path.
     
    Till once again,
    with a malicious grin
    Out came the axe from hell
    Severing another tie
     
    With terror in my eyes
    Betrayal rocking my heart
    No path remained, only a thin line
    I grabbed ahold of that line
    And held on for dear life
    Though it would be so easy to just let go
    The warm waters of a calm river of life
    That seems never to lead to you
    Threaten only my heart
    A heart already wounded
    But a stubborn heart, unwilling to lose
    I could not give up the dream of being with you.
     
    I begged you "Please!" Hoping you would understand
    Begging you not to take my last guide away.
    And as though you could not hear
    As though you did not know
    As if it all was completely sane
    The axe of hell struck once again.
     
    And even in those comforting waters
    Leading everywhere but where I wanted
    I swam on in your direction
    And like a fool to you I shouted
    "Throw out the preserver"
    And to it you did go.
    You picked it up, examined it
    And chucked it just for show.
    My heart lept and clenched
    within the space of five beats
    As that little ring flew up,
    and landed out of reach.
     
    Sadness coursing through my veins
    I called out to you again
    Not knowing just how far I'd have to swim
    I hoped you'd come yourself
    Meet me halfway.
    You smiled at me and laughed out loud
    As the river met the bay.
     
    I swim on in shark infested waters
    I know not love
    I know not hope
    My heart has lost its way
    In an ever wider bay.
     
    I find it wider but not deeper.
    My feet even touch the bottom.
    I could go anywhere from here
    Only the sharks here to beware.
    But in my heart I do not care.
    Without my Love it does not matter
     
    Light turns to dark,
    and all around there's not a sound
    only the light flutter
    of so many other ways to go
    On my back, I look at the stars
    So beautiful and oh so far
    And I exit the bay, into an ocean of tears.
     
    I am no longer alone. You are here now.
    But you can not see me.
    You can not hear me
    You rendered me invisible,
    My vocal cords inaudible
    And together like this
    We will never reach the shore.
     
    That is why you have to go
    Its why I must move on, you know.
    But, forever locked inside my soul
    Will be the dream of reaching our goal
     
    What could have been, had you only seen,
    had you only listened,
    had you, like I, never given up on our dream
    I believe it will haunt me forever
     
    But as you swim beyond my sight
    A new day dawns, and on shines the morning light
    Someday, someone, maybe, will love me
    The way I have always needed to be
     
    I will not drown in this ocean of sorrows
    Not so long as there is still tomorrow
    I will swim, I will seek, and I will dream new dreams
    Out there, somewhere, someone is still waiting for me.
    In an Ocean of tears, an ocean of love
    With such depths below, and the vast heavens above
    I do not yet know just where he is
    But so long as I have love to give
    I will search on, and on,
    Until at last I have him in my arms.
  18. Demetz

    One exam left!

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    So yesterday I took two exams, one in Management of information resources in the public sector, and the other in Contemporary political philosophy.
     
    I'm not sure how I did on the first one, but I'm not especially concerned either. I would have to get below a fifty in order to not get an A in that class. As for Contemporary Political Philosophy... that one I gambled on a bit, and my gamble worked great.
     
    You see, we were told that 6 questions would be on the exam, 3 in each of two sections. We were told we had to answer three, at least one from each section. Logically, if I knew four very well then I'd be guaranteed to do well on the exam. I didn't know four very well. I didn't even know one very well. So I gambled, studying three in hopes that I'd absorb enough information in two days to answer those three questions thoroughly. I'd be guaranteed that two of them would be in sections I could answer them from. The third would have a fifty/fifty chance. Well... it worked out and I'm pretty sure I aced the exam. I probably didn't get a 100, this is one of those professors (like most, it seems) who is extremely reluctant to give someone 100% credit, but I'm pretty sure I at least got an A.
     
    My next exam comes tomorrow, where I get to write an essay about how reorganizing the planet such that nations are all replaced by theocratic communities and the united nations is just as weak as ever but also the only place where secularity exists is a terrible horrible no good very bad idea.
     
    You know, its one thing for a book titled as a religion's social contract to espouse such ideas, but I'm extremely disappointed that a book entitled "The Liberal Conscience" would ever promote such a thing.
  19. Demetz

    Islam and homosexuality

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    As many of you may already be aware, I am an ex-Muslim apostate. I converted to Islam in the summer of 2004, deserted it in late spring 2006. Among various other issues for my departure from that religion is the Islamic stance on homosexuality. I inquired about it on Islamonline.net, having been previously referred to that site as a legitimate site for the discussion of Islam.
     
    This was my post:
     
     
  20. Demetz
    As for the decision to run... I'd probably do what I'm sure plenty of politicians do and get the family together, talk with them about it, and after hearing their concerns make the decision from there. I think the only person who would hold an absolute veto in my mind is my boyfriend... maybe our son as well, but I would stilll want input from everyone.
     
    As noble as it might sound to refuse to even acknowledge the inevitable slander... I know me well enough to know that I couldn't go on day after day and year after year pretending it wasn't there. At the same time I know my sexuality should be among the least important issues in this hypothetical campaign/career. I think I'd give them a week, maybe two to work their malice, keeping track of every accusation and form a response to counter it. My response would come in one short commercial-length video/sound clip wherein I denounce the deplorable tactics and give a brief explanation of reality, and another half-hour to an hour interview explaining in detail those parts of my life I feel comfortable disclosing... maybe another, unstructured interview where the interviewer is given freedom to ask any question he or she pleases, and from that point forward focus only on the issues that should be important. With the commercial length clip there to remind people that the fundies are lying slanderous bastards and the two interviews to explain that in depth, I don't think doing any more with the subject would be to my gain.
     
    An afterthought... The commercial-length clip, the two interviews, and a running track of the slander and my response to it could also be kept on a website so that as new slander comes out it could be responded to without major public appearances to give their slander more attention.
  21. Demetz

    Standardized testing... yawn

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    So Yesterday after I got out of class I noticed a flyer about a lecture to be held regarding "The hundred Languages of Children." Well, being only a few weeks away from co-fatherdom I decided I'd drop in on that lecture, thinking it was going to be about children... what with the topic being the hundred languages of children.... as you can probably tell, for the most part it had very little to do with children. It was mildly interesting to down right sleep inducing to watch Mr. Pence talk about his work with aboriginals to form an education system they would be happy with, but considering for the most part it had very little to do with the topic at hand I was none too pleased. Then I looked at the program and saw it was to be two hours long. I was very displeased but too polite to walk out right then and there. Eventually the speaker wrapped his way back around to the topic, about how children should be allowed to be children, enjoying the wondrous surroundings and so forth... something it hardly takes however many decades of study this man put into it to realize.
     
    Then came the question and answer period and the first question I cringed... immediately reminded of how childish an adult can be... in fact... adults seem quite worse than children could ever hope to be at times. After this long wonderfully boring lecture the only thing that was on this questioner's mind was how horrible it is to accomodate statewide standardized testing in the classroom. What an ass to bring this up in a lecture where it was not even vaguely touched on and had nothing to do with the man's work nor the work mentioned by the other two speakers.
     
    What's going to follow is my counterrant to all the teachers in this state raving about standardized testing.
     
    I was raised in the Virginia Beach City Public School system, where I was faced with standardized testing nearly from the beginning. As early as third grade I was filling out bubble sheets (though these were graded by hand), in fourth grade i took the Iowa test, in fifth I took stanford 9, which popped up again here and there over the years. Took the STAR reading/rithmatic tests, all these were assessment tests which IIRC had no affect on me passing or not, but had me numb to the concept of standardized testing by the time I reached the SOLs that did. For those unfamiliar with SOL meaning anything besides shit outta luck, The SOLs were standards of learning tests designed to make sure that students weren't getting free rides through their classes. They were all multiple choice tests on which a student could take as much time as he or she pleased to remember whatever info was being requested. These tests were for all non-elective classes except English, Which meant for history, math, and science classes you were greeted with an SOL at the end. I tooko IIRC three of these in middle school for high school courses I'd taken then, and both years I attended Virginia high schools. Had I not moved I'd also have taken the literacy passport test, which as with all the others I was equally unconcerned about and which the teachers showed only a vague concern for.
     
    What I noticed in moving to Florida is the huge difference in attitude about standardized testing. In VA, the teachers took an approach to it as if the test were just in the normal flow of things, that it ought really not concern them too much because it only tested material which they were supposed to be teaching anyway. They absolutely did not ever project their fear onto the students, even though some showed a vague annoyance, they were confident in themselves and their students and with that attitude the students at the schools I attended were likewise confident. In Florida the atmosphere is entirely different. Teachers are angry, frustrated, and often project the fear of failure onto students who likewise get anxious about the testing. They seemed and as I'm finding now four years after moving to florida, still seem to expect their students to fail. Now... I didn't come in at the lower levels of the florida education spectrum, so I can't speak to the actual difficulty of the tests which younger students dealt with, but at the high school level there is one standardized test, the Florida Comprehensive Assessment Test or FCAT.
     
    This test was not really that difficult and could be taken twice a year until passed. I came in with zero preparation for it, in fact with counter preparation from having come from a state with different standards and a different approach to learning as well as what should be learened, took it, passed with ease and was highly confused at the views others were taking on it. The FCAT isn't a monster. It tests a students ability to read and write... using questions the likes of which I'd seen since at least the third grade, questions like "what's the main idea of this paragraph." When it came to the math end, I was at a disadvantage because apparently fl puts considerably more focus on geometry... but they also supplied all the necessary formulas so knowing algebra this was not too much of a problem. The other thing they put more focus on was pencil to paper math... for years at that point, anything that could be done on the calculator had been done on the calculator, so it took a few minutes to get readjusted to that which I considered to be archaic mentality.
     
    If I an outsider could come in and pass this test with no preparation and no worry... why are those who had been preparing for it for years as worried as they are? The answer, I believe, lies in the attitudes of those who are supposed to be preparing them. I find it highly unprofessional of those teachers to handle things the way they have. Their worry about the test should never have been projected onto the students, worry should never have been hinted at by the teachers. Their job is to teach, and to create an environment where learning is to occur. All the pretty pictures, posters, and sheets of colored paper in the world won't do a damned bit of good if they hold an attitude of failure when it comes to the essential part of their work. Confidence in the students' abilities should always be projected, even with those who are struggling it is the confident will of a teacher to work with that student, to show that student that someone believes in him or her and will work with that student because they know that student can achieve the goals set. Instead what I saw was whining about having to teach to a test, about how learning shouldn't have anything to do with apparently knowing the material, and, frankly, stupid things being brought up. "What if the student just has a bad day when they have to take the test?" - answer... they'll have ample opportunity to retake the test then.
     
    What I find most disturbing about the FCAT has nothing at all to do with the actual test. Rather, I find it diturbing that so many teachers believe their students would fail. I find it more disturbing that they would show that belief to the students. I find it more disturbing still that so many teachers would be so unprofessional about it as to discuss their hatred for the tests openly and at length with the students when they should be easing the students' worries. Students have enough to deal with when it comes to their own anxiety about tests, they don't need their teachers' anxiety too.
     
    ~Deme
  22. Demetz

    Crazies

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    So yesterday I was going to class and in front of the building stood two crazies. One had tied a cross to himself from which hung a sign. One side said "Turn or burn" the other said something to the effect of "Jesus: your savior or judge?" Perhaps I'm mistaken but it appears that last one is a bit contradictory and the former rather counterproductive. Regardless, their rantings, ravings, and random insults to passing students was quite amusing - as were the cops who showed up when they were drawing a crowd.
     
    Especially amusing parts:
     
    +Christian students telling him he was an embarrassment and his subsequent raving
    +One of them put on a sign and looked at one of the students and just started talking to them... "Hello, how are you, my name is ----. How are you today. You have poor manners. You should work on your personality because your's sucks"
     
    I went on to class, dropped off my stuff, came back and watched. Definitely worth it.
     
    In other news... my first exam I got a 30/30 on... which means I'm guaranteed about 40% of my grade for the class now. Whats left is the second exam and a research paper, each also worth 30 points each.
     
    My second exam I got a 79.5 on... which came out to a B+ by his grading scale. There are a few people who need to be on their knees for the professor in that class. The exam was out of 100 points... someone got a 35... for which they received a C. I'll say that again... a 35% got this person a C. Wow. I can see curving grades a bit but this guy was basically given credit for 40% more knowledge than he had.
     
    I won't know the grade on my third exam for a couple weeks yet, and my fourth doesn't take place until the coming Tuesday. My American Foreign Policy professor is a douchebag. He gave us a huge exam review, but fifty five of the questions on the exam will have nothing at all to do with it. In addition to those questions are 16 matching and two essays. All of this he expects us to finish in about 75 minutes. The essays alone will probably take that long. Mind you now, the time limit is not because the class has to leave after that time... its a three hour class. What-an-ass.
     
     
    ~Dem
  23. Demetz

    Been a couple weeks

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    Yesterday I realized again just how much I love Silven. Just the thought that it might not be until December that I see him had me upset...
     
    I suppose in a way its a good thing that I'd get upset at the idea of not seeing him sooner...
     
    Anyway... I was pretty annoyed with myself last night, I got home too late to talk to him, he'd already gone to work. And now this morning my Internet connection was cut off, so I couldn't get on until seven... I guess he's asleep now... hopefully sleeping peacefully and not worried about me.
     
    Last night was pretty hard... I thought it was just extra energy from what I ate, but it wasn't that. I missed Silven and even though I couldn't have really done anything different I was still annoyed at myself for not getting home in time. I tried working out... tired out my muscles but not my mind. Within fifteen minutes of returning to livechat I was at it again.... ended up installing and playing (read: doing a lot of losing) chessmasters...
     
    Well, I woke up this morning, found my internet connection broken, couldn't fix it becuase the router's in my dad's office, which is in his room and waking him up to get on the internet is not something he'd take too well. Went for a quick run, got back to find him awake and reset the router... but Silven's not on...
     
    Think I'll go eat breakfast now...
  24. Demetz

    Encouraging Conversation

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    I had a very encouraging conversation with my Dad this morning... glad I got to sleep early enough last night to see him before he left.
     
    We started out talking about politics... both of us are very disappointed in the available candidates. He mentioned McCain... I said I felt betrayed by his recent pandering to the religious right, that I thought it was a big mistake on his part since those are precsisely the people who hate him and the people who liked him are the kind who don't care much for the political end of the religious arena, basically describing myself here. We talked about that for a few minutes before I mentioned that McCain wasn't the only supposedly socially liberal Republican I felt had been betraying himself, that Arnold Scwarzenegger who once struck me as precisely the kind of socially liberal republican that was desperately needed in the party had thrown aside those principles, vetoing a bill legalizing gay marriage.
     
    I talk with my dad about politics a lot, this type of conversation was very normal for us. What we talked about next though has me feeling much better about my future relationship with him. Basically, we both agree that the state has no right to dictate who marries whom among consenting adults, that no state ought have the right to abrogate a marriage merely because the couple have crossed into their borders... he said he would raise a huge fit if someone tried to tell him he were no longer married to my mom just because he had crossed a state line.... He said he though it wasn't "right" in the natural sense, since their inability to reproduce by normal means would mean that they would die out, but I pointed out that Gays have been around since at least as early as the ancient Greeks, and he followed that up with an example of his own where something that shouldn't (in terms of natural selection) be a part of the gene pool was still around. I said that I could accept an opinion that it is outside the normal natural order of things, given that the sex drive is normally a matter of producing children, but that in terms of contributing to the continuation of the species, there's always adoption. He agreed.
     
    I love my dad. He's worked hard all his life to provide me with a good life that he never had, because of this he was away for much of my early childhood, and later when he retired from the Navy he was often busy even at home, studying this or that Computer programming book... We don't talk much about ourselves, but we love to talk about things... history, politics, religion.... I am so lucky to have my father.
     
    I'm not ready to "come out" to him yet, it will be a few years before I can do that. I want to get myself established in my relationship with Silven, and financially fully independent first, no longer because I fear my dad might cut me off, but because I want, when he first learns of what I am, for him to see me somewhere where he can be proud of me for it.
     
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     
    In other news, I wrote another poem. Silven, my love, this is for you.
     
    Love Found
     
  25. Demetz

    Morning musing

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    The first Thoughts as I wake up


    My last as I go to sleep

    The subject of my dreams

    The star of my fantasies

    If Ever before

    There was any doubt

    I am in love now

    This, I want to shout

     
     
    I wrote this within a few minutes of waking up this morning.
     
    Today will be a good day.
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